katierandolph1211
This blog will be a bit different
Feb 22, 2024
Since this is a blog for me. I choose to write what is on my heart. Today is a struggle. It is a struggle not in the way you think. I am struggling beacause I feel like everyone is doing what I should be. Everyone I know is in a realtionship. I am sooo single. I want to be married. I want to find my person. I want someone fun to travel with. I am hoping with time that it will happen. I am the only cousin not married. Pretty much all my friends are married. One is getting married this summer ( 2nd time) and one is getting married in october. While I am happy for them, I am so jealous. I have always wanted to be married. Get engaged, have a wedding, be a wife. I want that so bad. Right now in my life I feel like it is not going to happen. I do pray all the time. I want to find that special man. I am a good person. I know that I would make a great life with them. I feel like I have really narrowed down my pool. I say that because I am a single mom. Not a lot of men want to date someone with a child. I do not have anything to do with his father. So the baby daddy drama is not there. My friend ( the one getting married in october) she and I had a falling out 7 yrs ago. We started back in talking. She is best friends with another girl. We had a falling out too. They of course are best friends. I am trying to have a realtionship with the one. I just feel so left out. She is of course beautiful ( always has been) she found her person. Everyone loves her.
My other friend that is getting married. She is beautiful too. Fit, great mom. Found her person too. She and I are neighbors. She is amazing. I wish I was like her. I feel like I am just stuck. I know alot of my problem is my confidence. I really do not have any. When I am feeling good about myself, once I look in the mirror. I see my "shelf butt" I have had this "Shelf butt" for a long time. I did not know it was that bad until my friend pointed it out to me. I am now so self aware of it. I just want it gone. I want to be flat back there. The struggle is rough. Getting this surgery happend because of a picture I saw of myself. I HATE that picture. I did not think I looked that big. YIKES. It is horrible. I guess in my head I thought I was smaller then what I am. Joke is on me. That is the problem. Sometimes I think I am a joke. IF a guy looks at me. I am thinking omg he thinks I am sooo fat and ugly. Why would he want me? Any complement that I get. I just feel like they are joking. I just feel like if I date anyone, or if anyone likes me, it is just a joke. They are being mean. I feel like they can do better. This is what is wrong with me. I am nervous to put myself out there.
Even though I have lost 45 pounds I still have soo much more to go. You know I tried on some jeans. And they STILL DO NOT FIT!!!! What the heck. I am feeling just like a failure. I want to wear jeans but I dont want to at the same time. I wear the same clothes. My black sweat pants that are probally too big. I am trying to hide myself. I am hoping I give myself some grace. I have back on sooo much food, it is not funny. I am just ready for the weight to fall off. Granted, it has not been two months. But I am ready to feel like myself. And I am ready to be happy and be okay with taking Pictures. Until then. I keep going.
Katie