katierandolph1211

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Yikes it has been a whle since I have updated. Not a lot has been going on. I just am keeping on the journey. This is hard and it is frustrating, but also I have a sense of accomplishment. It is hard because I just still want to eat, and I cannot eat as much as I was used too. It is hard because you come out of this surgery still FAT. You have to lose all the weight. It is hard. It is frustrating because I do not see the weight loss. Others do, which is great. But it takes me a while to see it. My clothes still fit the same. I have not bought any new clothes, because I am nervous smaller sizes will not fit. UGH. I am just so ready to really see the change. I will be honest. I really thought I did not look as big as I was. Holy cow. I was huge. I know my family cared, I know they tried to help me. I really didnt think I was that BIG. Yikes. No wonder people did not come up to me. I was a cow.  I just keep looking at that damn photo. This photo was taken 2 days before my surgery. I will never go back. I do not have the choice. I want to healthy. I want to do stuff. I want to ride rides with my son, I want to buy cute clothes. I want my mom to buy me clothes. I want to wear a Large/ medium shirt. I am disguested by that photo. It is awful. I know I have accomplished so much in less then 3 months. I hate that photo. I HATE IT. I have lost 54 pounds and I feel good. i have so much more weight to lose. It is a journey. I have so much to be thankful for. I just feel so bad for getting this bad. I am doing the best that I can. I will not give up. I know this weight did not come on in days and months. I just wish it would fall off faster. I beyond embrassed that I looked like that. I am mortifed that I was that big. I will change. I am changing. I will never go back. 

Well this week has been good. I am still working out. Riding my bike. I walk my dog. I did some weights. It did feel good. I am happy to report that I have lost another pound. I know I need to lose soo much more. It just takes time. I know that. I am over being a fat woman. Some non scale. I can bend over easier. Yay. it doesnt hurt so much. Thank goodness for that. I feel like I can eat everything. i have not had dumping problems. Yessss. I just can not eat as much. Which is what I needed. I am feeling good. No loud food nosies. That has been a blessing. I am feeling like a normal person. I am just so happy about that. I am not where I want to be I want to be under 300 pounds. I am trying and not giving up. I have to push the thoughts of I dont want to work out. I try not to eat after 7pm. That is helping too. I am having an ok realtionship with food. 

Oh in april I am trying speed dating. That should be interesting 

Since this is a blog for me. I choose to write what is on my heart. Today is a struggle. It is a struggle not in the way you think. I am struggling beacause I feel like everyone is doing what I should be. Everyone I know is in a realtionship. I am sooo single. I want to be married. I want to find my person. I want someone fun to travel with. I am hoping with time that it will happen. I am the only cousin not married. Pretty much all my friends are married. One is getting married this summer ( 2nd time) and one is getting married in october. While I am happy for them, I am so jealous. I have always wanted to be married. Get engaged, have a wedding, be a wife. I want that so bad. Right now in my life I feel like it is not going to happen. I do pray all the time. I want to find that special man. I am a good person. I know that I would make a great life with them. I feel like I have really narrowed down my pool. I say that because I am a single mom. Not a lot of men want to date someone with a child. I do not have anything to do with his father. So the baby daddy drama is not there. My friend ( the one getting married in october) she and I had a falling out 7 yrs ago. We started back in talking. She is best friends with another girl. We had a falling out too. They of course are best friends. I am trying to have a realtionship with the one. I just feel so left out. She is of course beautiful ( always has been) she found her person. Everyone loves her. 

My other friend that is getting married. She is beautiful too. Fit, great mom. Found her person too. She and I are neighbors. She is amazing. I wish I was like her. I feel like I am just stuck. I know alot of my problem is my confidence. I really do not have any. When I am feeling good about myself, once I look in the mirror. I see my "shelf butt" I have had this "Shelf butt" for a long time. I did not know it was that bad until my friend pointed it out to me. I am now so self aware of it. I just want it gone. I want to be flat back there. The struggle is rough. Getting this surgery happend because of a picture I saw of myself. I HATE that picture. I did not think I looked that big. YIKES. It is horrible. I guess in my head I thought I was smaller then what I am. Joke is on me. That is the problem. Sometimes I think I am a joke. IF a guy looks at me. I am thinking omg he thinks I am sooo fat and ugly. Why would he want me? Any complement that I get. I just feel like they are joking. I just feel like if I date anyone, or if anyone likes me, it is just a joke. They are being mean. I feel like they can do better. This is what is wrong with me. I am nervous to put myself out there. 

Even though I have lost 45 pounds I still have soo much more to go. You know I tried on some jeans. And they STILL DO NOT FIT!!!! What the heck. I am feeling just like a failure. I want to wear jeans but I dont want to at the same time. I wear the same clothes. My black sweat pants that are probally too big. I am trying to hide myself. I am hoping I give myself some grace. I have back on sooo much food, it is not funny. I am just ready for the weight to fall off. Granted, it has not been two months. But I am ready to feel like myself. And I am ready to be happy and be okay with taking Pictures. Until then. I keep going.

Katie 

I have been at a stall for 2 weeks. I lost 2 pounds though. I will take it. A loss is a loss. Thank goodness. I have been really good about my food. I can for sure feel when I get full. I have never had that before. That is so nice. That is what I wanted. Just to feel full. I feel like my food thoughts have become more quiet. Thank God for that. OMG though. Being a girl. The food noises are LOUD right before the "time of the month" Being a girl is so much fun. My cravings are alot.I just find something else to do. I might take up something. I should just go for a walk. I do not want to Jinx the weather. But it is being nice here in Colorado. That could change though. I am feeling lighter. Is that a thing? I feel my shirts are bigger. Is that just in my head? I am not sure. I am soooo ready to see some huge changes. I have been cleared to eat all the foods. I mean within reason. I do not eat fast food. I really do not want to. I have been listing to this lady on TIKTOK, that this surgery resets your hormones in the gut. Which maybe is true. And do not introduce the bad fast foods. Those have hormones that make you crave the foods more. My pouch is a new pouch. It has never had this food before. I dont want to introduce it. I had this surgery to change my realtionship with food. And by golly I am. I am not craving it. Normally. The period time.... that is a different story. But I just tell my brain to SHUT UP. 

I have talked to my friend and she and I are going out this summer. I want to go to the Grizzly Rose. It is a country bar out here in colorado. I want to dance and feel sooo good. I do not care if any men notice. Going out in confidence is so huge for me. I cannot wait to not wear sweat pants anymore. I mean I can wear jeans, but I just feel like I look huge in them. I don't like the way I look in them. I am looking forward to losing more. I am just not a patient person. I want this loss so bad. I know good things will come for me. I want to love myself again. I am a wonderful person. I am worthy of this. I am important too. I do matter. I am allowed to take up space. I am vauled. GOD loves me. This is something worth it. 

I also riding my bike 5 times a day. I might push it to 15 mins today. baby steps ya know. I know that I have to work out. I know they also say people trade one addiction for another. If that is the case.  I hope it is exercise lol. I mean I know that doesnt happen for all people, but I would be okay with that. 

Well until next week. I hope future Katie reads this a smiles because this is still the start of my journey. 

I have been given the green to try new foods. But this is rough. These last two weeks I have not lost anything. What the heck? I know stalls are normal. But I spent a lot of money, and I have dramatically cut what I have eaten. I feel so down about this. I will not give up. And I know this is part of the journey. I just have never felt this way about weight loss. I have so many hopes for the furture. I just want to feel worthy and excited to go shopping. I have started riding my stationary bike. 10 mintues a day monday through friday. Maybe I need to step it up. Add some weights? Maybe more cardio. I Do not know. It is just annoying. I want my body to lose and know that I am proud of it. What if this is the smallest I get? That is a fear. I ate some girl scout cookies. OMG SOO good. Did I have dumping? NOPE. Which was werid. I did not feel good eating them. I did make a pretty darn good pizza. With cauliflower pizza crust. It was pretty good. I just want to wear large clothes. Not the 4x that I do wear. 

I want to be proud. I am going to put my scale in my sons bathroom and not look at until a week. Right now, I weigh myself everyday. I know that is not healthy. But I cannot help myself. I just feel Like I am failing. I feel like I am the only one that is going through this. I know that is not true. Most people that I know or have watched on Tiktok. Go through a stall at 3 months. Not 7 weeks. I am having a rough time. I guess I do not want to date. I am working on myself. I am eating well, exercising, and I am seeing a therapist. It is a lot. But I am worth it. I know that I am. I want my son to be proud of me. I want him to hug me and touch his fingers. 

I am just feeling some type of way. I feel sad that the one person I wish I could talk to about all of this is gone. My mom is going through a lot herself. She has been great with me during this journey. Like I said I just want to wear the pretty clothes. My friend is getting married in October. I want to find a cute dress. I want to enjoy myself at this wedding. There will be a guy there that has been not the nicest to me in the past and I just want to shock him with yeah I was a fat b**** but not now. I want to have that to shove in his face. YUP. 

That is where I am coming from. This hasnt been the easiest week. But I am here and I have to keep going. 

Katie 

How am I a month into this Journey? Holy cow... It is crazy. I am still doing it.Why am I crying over not losing weight this week?  I have included a keto tortilla lol. Yay. Just a different flavor is nice. This week I did not lose any weight. I am super bumbed. But I have started riding my stationary bike and doing a quick little work out. I have to tell myself we are doing it. I HATE working out. But I HATE the size I am at now. I have to change. I do HATE change. But this is for my health. UGH. I wish I didn't get this fat. I wish I didn't let my self go. I guess it is better starting this change at 36 then when I am older. I mean no offense to those that have gone through the change later in life. I just want to be married before I am 40 lol. What a week. At least the food noise is a little more quieter. Thank goodness. I just really have to push through. It is a challenge. But I know if I want something I go for it. I am 5 weeks post op. I just want to be losing so much weight it is not even funny. I feel like I have been given a gift and I do not want to blow it. This is a gift to finally get it right. To finally feel like I can be a woman. And not someone that hides. I want to get my spark back. But am I scared. Yes I am. Being the weight I am seems to be my comfort. 

I am watching a show. I just got into it. Called "This Is Us." I can relate to the character Kate. I guess because my name is Katie. Sometimes I go by Kate. The character in the show is overweight just like me.She has almost the same realtionship with my mom. I am sometimes not kind to my mom. And I also am jealous of my mom. SHE is Beautiful. My mom is way stronger than I am. She never seems to be afarid. ( Maybe my next blog will be about how I feel in relation to my mom)  Turns to food just like me. Has the same kind of issues. Her brother(s) in the show are more succesfull. My brother is AMAZING. I love and look up to him so much. I just know that he is way smarter then me. He has everything I want. He is married and has great friendship. I just want a great guy. I will admit I am jealous of my brother. I feel like he is Changing. I am staying the same. That is why I wanted this surgery. I want this change. But I am also scared of change. I am scared that I will lose the weight and nothing will have changed. I will discover that the person I have always been is who I truly am. Not saying I am a bad person. But what if I cannot find a decent man. I tend to attract the werridos. What if the dreams I have had, of the life I hope to have are nothing more then lies I have told myself. I know I need to learn to love myself. This is hard. 

Right now I am still not seeing anyone. Not even my best friend. I want to really shock people when they finally see me. But at this rate, It will be months. I do not know what I did wrong. I am just so dissapointed. I literally cried today. I have never cried over my weight. Because in the past when I had gained I knew why. I was eating. Duh. I would lose weight and think " yay I lost 2 pounds, lets celebrate" I would go out and get Chipolte. And EAT. Then I would gain, and yeah I would be dissapointed. Then I would eat. It was a vicious cycle. Now with the surgery. I paid for this out of pocket. I do not want to ruin this. I want to do well with this journey. This is so hard mentally. 

I am hoping this is just a hurdel. I will get through this. 

Katie 

I am adding something to this week. Maybe if I write this out it gets out of my brain. 

Food I WANT SOOOO BAD 

Chipolte with rice, chicken, pico, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, and lettuce. Top it off with green tobasco. 

Good piece of Bread. Thick like Panera. With butter and jelly 

Pizza. One with Gorganzola, Pepperoni, peperochni, mozzerlla cheese, and olive oil. OMG YUMM 

Steak- Teaxs Road house. When I find that lucky man, I will have him grill a good one. I want the house salad with ranch. And maybe a side of their rice. 

I want boneless wings. From Buffalo Wild wings for the Parm sauce. 

Cheese Sticks. Sonic 

Pasta. I just miss pasta. 

Chips and queso. and Salsa. 

Is this bad that I am missing these things? I had to get this out of my brain. I might add to this. Oh I will ad to this. 

Well I am 4 weeks post op. I am down 31 pounds. I feel that it is good. I wish it was more. I know I need to exercise. I just hate it. My clothes still fit. That is annoying. And I am struggling. Even with the 31 pound weightloss. What is wrong with me? I feel like I am the only person that has been given this gift and I somewhat hate it. I miss food. Ugh why can't I get over this mindset? It is annoying. Sorry that this is not starting out not so  positive. It is just so hard. Why did I have to have a problem with food? Had I just been normal what would my life be like? I would be married and I would be having fun. I would feel pretty and not over think about food. Man I hate feelng this way. I am trying to work on the mental part and being okay with me. I know I did not get this overweight over night. I know this is going to take time. A long time. I wish I did not have this problem. Why me? Why is food so damn good? I love all food. I am sorry this is not a happy Blog. I just have to get this out. I feel like a waste of space. I am deep into my 30's. Everyone in my family is married. I am the oldest cousin, and I am the single one. I have a lot to offer someone. I know a lot of this is because of my weight. That is why I cannot find a great guy. I am not too picky. I will not settle. I cannot. I know I have added a challenge while dating. I am a mom as well. I have an 8 yr old. I just work on taking care of him. I pray all the time that I find this great guy. Along this journey I am trying to like myself. I really want to find someone to love as well. 

I am still not wanting to see anyone until I really start to shed the weight. I know that might be normal to some. I just want my family to not know. If they cared they would reach out and ask how I am doing. My Goals with this surgery I guess I should talk about them. I am looking forward to wearing normal sized clothes. I want to walk into target, old navy, and pick stuff off the hangers. I want to be able to fit in chairs without them hurting mysides.I want to show myseldf that I am capable of this. I can overcome this. I overcame my debt and bought my house as a single mom. I quit a job I didn't think I would. I got a new job and I am doing that. I can do this too. It is just hard. I wish I had someone to confide in. Like my partner. I can reach out to my mom, but she does not understand. She is really being  a great supporter for sure. I am glad that I can call her. But it is not the same. I am grateful for this surgery. It does give me a full button. Now the mental game comes into play. I just want to be happy with me. I know others are proud. But this is HARD. 

I am doing this for my health. I want to keep living. I want to be around for my son. I am doing this for him too. I just want him to be proud of me. I want him to love me as his mom. I do not want him to be ashamed of me. His friends parents are just so beauitful. I am not. I have never thought of myself as pretty. I hope to get there one day. Feeling pretty. I do not want his friends saying "we don't want to hang out with you cause your mom is fat" kids can be mean. Are we not invited to some parties because of the way I look. The parents might not want to hang with me. I know one parent I dont talk to... it is because I feel yucky compared to her. I might come off as not nice. But that is not the case. I also just want peace in mylife. I want to be at peace with myself.  I want to love myself. Not turn heads cause I am fat. I want to turn heads because I shine with just being happy.Okay... and cause I look damn good. I do not know if I will ever feel this. Or will some guy find me good looking? I do not know. Are there goood men out there. Who knows. I am hopefull God will send me the right guy. YES I AM. Well here is to the next weight loss of the week. BLAH. I can do this. I have to do this. I am doing this. 

Katie 

Well I have made it to week 3. This has been interesting. I am proud of where I am at. It has been hard. Not psychically just mental. I am still craving the pizza I posted about in my last blog. This is such a mental game. It really is hard to get past it. I just push through. I am really proud of the motivation I have for myself. I have cookies for my son, I dont touch them. That is hard. I have not been through a drive through in over 3 weeks. Wow how amazing is that? I feel that is amazing for me for sure. I have not had Starbucks either. That is my gulity pleasure for sure. I am doing good though. I am losing weight and I am sticking to the diet. I am seeing a therapist. Which is good for me. I am trying to overcome my negative thoughts about myself. The look of disgust i have about my body. Wondering will anyone find me attractive? I do not really know. There is someone out there for me though. This journey for me is about overcoming my love of food. Having a healthy relationship with food. Loving myself again. Figuring out that I do deserve to be happy and have nice things. 

I was thinking about datiing once I am 70 pounds down. Which I am getting closer. I want to get under the 300 pound mark. Ugh just to write the number 300 is annoying. I should not be 300 pounds. I cannot do anything with this much weight. Do you know that I have to sit on my bed to get my socks on. It is annoying. I should not weigh this much. What have I done to my body? I at least will never be this big again. I know I have to give this Katie some grace. I have come a long way. But thinking about my sentence before. I was thinking about dating. But I just want to enjoy my new journey. I want to start loving myself. Being proud of who I am and where I have come from. I am ready to wear jeans again lol. So I do not think I want to put myself online. I am having something in my gut saying no not a good idea. I know that is my Granny Jo ( who passed away almost a year ago) giving me this feeling. I need to listen. 

I am offically on soft foods. OMG Chicken yuummm. I am happy to have it. I dont know if it is causing tummy issues. But I know I have been taking a lot of miralx. LOL. This is what is hard about this surgery. The BATHROOM. UGH. I dont like feeling over stuffed. And it is not fun. I am learning how to control my hunger or listen to it. I have done good. But like I said before getting out of my controlled enviorment is going to put me to the test. I can do it. If I keep busy I do not think about food. I have not been out of the house to test the theory lol. I really did not go to the stock show this year. Becasue I know I would want to eat something. But gosh food is so pricey. That is kind of the reason I did not go to the Stock Show. Also, I am just so not ready to be around such beautiful Women. I know that there will be a woman more beautiful then me. I know that. But when I am out in public I just think if I see a woman. That the men around and thinking that is what a woman should look like. Then they look at me, and think that is what a woman SHOULD NOT look like. That is the negative thoughts that go through my head. SEEE that is why I am talking to someone. 

Again this journey is new and I am only on week 3. It is hard. I have to just take it day by day. Be grateful that I was able to get this surgery. I am blessed beyond. I know that. It just takes time. I did not become this heavy in one day. SO I know it will take time and work. I am PROUD of me. I am PROUD of me. I am PROUD of me. I am going to overcome and ROCK the SHIT out of this opportunity of this WONDERFUL GIFT. I am going to get my spark back and get ready to enjoy summer. 

Katie 

Happy Tuesday. I know I am a day ahead of when I posted the last blog. I want to post just weekly. I don't think I can post everyday. My everyday life is pretty much the same. So, yeah, I could post everyday. But that would get boring and repetitive. This week I was allowed pureed food. OMG the liquid only part of this journey was a bit rough. If you read my last blog you would understand. I love food. I think about food all the time. I still do. It is annoying. But it is something I have to work through. I am going to talk to a therapist here soon. But in the mean time I do pray to God. I do the Our Father and Hail Mary prayer. That has helped me so much when the "food nosies" are LOUD. I know God is louder. I like having refried beans. I used to not like them. But I have grown fond of them. It is definitely a blan part of this journey. I am not saying diet, because this is not a diet. It is a lifestyle change. I have to respect my body I am following this progam. But I will admit I am ready for some variety. I know my body is in shock right now. It is thinking OMG what have you done to me? Why did you cut me and re route our whole system? I am sorry old Stomach you were having waaaayyyyy too much fun. I had to cut you off. Literally LOL. I had no full button in my old way. I could eat and eat. I loved Chipolte. Wings, pizza, McDonalds. I would eat way more than one woman should, or for that matter one person. I do realize that I do have like a whole person to lose, along with the weight of like a young kid. It is sad and I am angry that I have let my self get this big. But I then again I am proud of ME for making this decision. It was not easy. It was not easy because I have had 4 surgeries before. Each one I was terrified that I would die. Yes, you could saw that I am dramatic. That is okay. I might be lol. 

I want to touch base on my food noises. This blog is for me. I want to jot this down so in a year from now the new Katie will look back at this a chuckle and sympathize and have compassion for the old Katie writting this. Man am I craving pizza. The pizza from Mici's to be exact. The Digirolomo. Yes even I cannot pronounce that. But it is sooo good. It has Olive oil, pepperoni silvers, pepperoncini, gorgonzola, and mozarella. Ummmmmm is your mouth watering? Mine is lol. I am craving a good steak. I think that is saying something about my body. It NEEEDDSS steak. I just want a really good one. I know I will only get 3 bites and I will be full. But those three bites will do my body and my mind and my mouth good. I also want Chipolte. I want that in the worse way too. That was my down fall in my "past" life. It is just so good. And yes I will die on that hill. I also still want that good piece of thick bread with butter and jam. I really think woman CRAVE the carbs. I think it is a curse that we have. UGGGHH. I mean I would love to have chips and salsa. Can't wait for that. I also want pasta. But that might come. But my first resturant will be a steak place for sure. I do not care. I literally hear the voices in my head. Just take a bite, you can eat that, you are just eating a smaller size. It is okay just try. Yup and that is LOUD. I sit there with it. It is annoying. So, like I said before I pray. 

I also know that I do not want to go back to my old habits. They are dangerous. Like I said I could eat.I try to slow down and take breaks like I was told to do. I drink water. But now that I am drinking water I like to flavor it. Ugggghhhh Did I create a monster? Maybe. But I sure as heck did not get to the weight I was by drinking surgar free water flavors lol. Speaking of drinking. I have not craved Dr. Pepper. Even while I am at work. That is where I crave it the most. I am doing good. My friend told me I should try it in a few months to see if I do like it still. Just cause she tried soda and she hated it. I know your taste buds change. I think I will pass on trying it. Like I said I do not want to go back to old habits. 

But being in my safe zone ( home and work) I can decide what I eat and what I have n my home. I am scared for when I go to someone's house. And they have food everywhere. In the past I would eat and eat and eat. I would graze and I could not stop. I had no self control. I want to have self control. How do you get that? Is it practice? lol. Kind of scared to go to my first party with yummy apps, ya know. By then though, I am hoping to be down so much weight that I won't even want to ruin my progress.And that I will have the tools to help me overcome that LOUD noise. Okay honestly that is Future Katie problem. I know present Katie just needs to take it day by day. 

Wrting this blog is really helpful to get my thoughts out. I will continue to give myself Grace and work on being kind to myself. Something I have not been to myself for a very very long time. 

Katie