SCARED

Nov 10, 2011

I feel so completely off track. I am literally scared to death that this is the beginning of me gaining everything back. When my mom first passed, I couldn't eat and lost 10 pounds in a week (as I previously posted). Now I want to eat constantly. It's a war. My emotional eating/binging ~vs~ my pouch. I've gotten to a point that I am eating every couple of hours when I'm not even hungry. I don't pay any attention to calories (high) or protein (too low). I eat until I'm full or feel sick. Then as soon as there is room I eat again. I'm very aware of what I'm doing. Sh*t I didn't deal with before surgery that I should have! I'm a binge eater. I remember when it started. It was 16 years ago, right after the birth of my first son. I would literally eat until I felt like I was going to throw up. Then I'd get even more depressed and cry, promising to stop. I, like alot of people out there, lied when asked if I have ever had an issue with binge eating. I would have said anything to get my surgery. Well, I need to deal with it NOW. I've been terrified to step on the scale (although my jeans are still getting looser). What happens if I can't beat this before the magic of the RNY wears off? What happens if I end up being 300+ pounds again??????? UGH! At least I'm aware of what's happening. My only saving graces are that 1) I can't eat sugar. After getting sick off canned fruit twice, I won't even attempt it. 2) I used to be a big drinker prior to surgery, especially when I was upset. Now one glass of wine makes me feel crappy enough that I don't want alcohol at all. I think I'm completely done with coffee also. I went from about 5 cups a day to 1. Now even that 1 cup is causing a hypoglycemic reaction.

It isn't only weight gain that I'm afraid of. I'm scared that I am going to physcially hurt myself. Cause irrepairable damage. Ulcers? Stretched pouch? Anything else??? I knew going into this that there were risks and I needed to really take care of myself. I remember to take my vitamins when I'm at work, which is only 4 days a week. 10 months out, I still don't take my Iron...... This is all so very real. The last week or so I have felt like sh*t daily. I've started getting a pain in my left side just under my rib. My pouch hurts off and on. I've felt really weak and blah. As I type, I have a pain on my right side, just under my ribs. Gall Bladder?? Awesome......

I know it's not too late to fix this. Turn it all around. Get back on track. First step is admitting the problem(s) right? 

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