Shroomy

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 Finally my 3 week drought has lifted and the rain came down.  
I didn't change a whole lot last week except stayed away from the scale and made a conscience effort to drink more water.  I couldn't squeeze in more calories and I certainly couldn't squeeze in more protein, and I couldn't squeeze out more carbs.  So I have no idea what finally broke my stall, but whatever it was, I'm really grateful.
So I'm only 28.5 lbs from my goal of 165 and 1.5 lbs away from being a Century Club Member.  
I worry those last 28 lbs will be the hardest, but I will make it!!

 Monday morning weigh-in did not go as I hoped.  I'm experiencing the dreaded stall and it drives me crazy, but I'm not sure how in the heck to get out of it.  I take in more than 100 g of protein per day and I try very diligently to keep my carbs on a low scale.  I have noticed that my calories are floating around the 800 mark but as soon as I factor in my exercise, that drops quite a bit.  
But on a happy unexpected note:  I work at an appliance/electronics store where we sometimes receive shirts from our Supplier Reps.  In the 2 1/2 years I've worked there, not once did I ever get a shirt.  The sizes are always medium and large.  Even a mens XL would be way too tight and I'd look like sausage.  I always felt so left out.  Well today we received 2 really nice Broil King shirts, both in Large and I looked at them skeptically and thought there was no way it would fit.  But I took it home, and TA-DA it fits just fine!!!  In fact I'm wearing it while I'm writing this, lol.  I can't wait to wear it to work tomorrow!

2 weeks ago I was over the moon about hitting 197, and today I'm still there.  Needless to say my mood has taken quite the downward spiral.
UGH!!!
It's real difficult to stay positive and I find I'm beating myself up over everything.  I'm second guessing everything I do.  My exercise, my 100 or more grams of protein each day and my little to none calories.  I'm very conscience of my Carb count and even though I feel like snacking all evening long, I don't!
I look in the mirror and I find the reflection not very attractive at all.  My hair is still falling out and it's so thin.  My chin is all wrinkly(no longer a double, but this isn't much better) and my eyes have that sunken in gaunt look.
My mood swings are still raging.  And my memory is non-existent. 
I really don't like myself right now.  No, I do not have regrets about having surgery...that would be stupid, but I do regret some of the extreme hardships that this journey is taking me on.
I want to be a positive role model and I want to support others in this journey, but it's really difficult when I can't even support myself.
I hope to God this is just a stall, and not where I'm gonna end up.  I take my measurements on the 14th for my 7 month surgiversary, and I have a feeling not much has changed and that will just not help my mood and state of mind.
I seriously hope anyone reading this doesn't get too discouraged, but at least I can say I'm honest and I hate sugar coating stuff.
UGH!!!  Time to go to work...

 I got a super surprise this Monday weigh in.  5.5 lbs down in 1 week which means I'm at 197!!!  WOW!!!  Only 32 more lbs. until goal!
I would do a really big happy dance right about now, but I'm suffering from one heck of a head cold and I'm pretty sure my sinuses will explode from the pressure...ugh.
This really does come as a surprise since I haven't gotten on my elliptical since Thursday evening.  This cold has completely dragged me out with little to no energy and always a constant nagging fever and pain.  I'm hoping to get out and walk for at least 15 min or so today after work, I really do miss my exercise routine.  I would've never guessed that I would say that, lol!

I just spent about 2 hours going through my closet AGAIN!  This would be the third or fourth time I've done it.  I filled 2 huge garbage bags full of clothes all in sizes 2X and up.  There is not a whole lot left in my closet that have multiple X's.  Yay for me!  My closet was still packed pretty tight last night, and I was struggling to find something nice to wear that wasn't too big, I realized that I was hanging onto a lot more than I should be.  I always thought I would be so excited to get rid of all my 'fat' clothes, but in actuality it was really difficult to rid myself of them. 
I know why I was hanging onto them, mentally at least.  
"There is always a chance of failure and the dreaded re-gain!!"
As I was sorting through my clothes however, I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to fail, and that if re-gain did happen, then it's my own damn fault, and my punishment is having to spend money on 'fat' clothes.  I can't walk into anything but a Plus-Sized store still, but mentally I'm trying to prepare myself for never going in one again for myself. 
Last night I was wearing a size 18 jean that are way too comfortable, which probaly means they're getting too big and a blouse that was definitely too large and yet I received a number of compliments on how I looked.  One person even asked me what my goal weight was, and when I told her 165, she flipped out!  My negative thinking had me wondering if she thought my goal was too 'lofty'.  She then asked how far I was from goal and I told her 40 lbs. and then the poop hit the fan, lol.  She was completely blown away because she thought I was very close to my goal!!  Can you imagine???  I'm sitting at 205 right now and can practically taste 'onderland' and she thought I was already there!!
I know some people get upset about other's comments towards us 'heavies' but at this point in my transformation, I relish all the comments...the good and the bad.   Helps keep things in prospective for me. 
I just hope that my mind can my match closet.  Banish the FAT and accept the HEALTHY new me and the healthier new me that I'm becoming.

 Haven't been on the site much lately.  Between work, the Olympics and squeezing in my getting longer workout, there just hasn't been a lot of time.  Even as I write this, Canada is attempting to get Gold in curling, and even though I don't really understand the game, I understand Gold and what this means to my pride in my country.
My current workout is 25 minutes long with a 5 min. warm up and 3 min cool down and lots of sweating in between, and the whole time I have the Olympics on the TV and my favorite music playing.  Quite inspirational surprisingly enough, and watching Canada go for Gold really motivates me.  What will I do when I move my workout to 30 min. next week and no Olympics to inspire me???  Lol!
Had a really good shopping weekend in Grand Forks last week.  The first day of shopping was disappointing to say the least.  I was in Lane Bryant and nothing was fitting well.  I wasn't allowed to buy anything over a size 18 thanks to the rule set out by my wonderful sisters, and just wasn't enjoying it like I thought I would.  Nothing fit properly, and I wondered if I hadn't shopped too early post-op.  But yet nothing I had at home was staying on anymore, everything was falling off and looking terrible!  However Day 2 and 3 brought lots of luck and did a big boost to my self-esteem.  
I WAS SHOPPING IN THE NORMAL SECTION, AND STUFF WAS FITTING!!!!!!
First time in my life I have ever done that as far as I can remember, and even though I was picking up 18's & 16's, and Larges it was awesome to not be buying 26's and XXXL's.  I never dreamed this would happen.  
I suppose another shopping trip will have to occur before summer, otherwise I'll be rather warm in sweaters, and jeans.  
I have been donating all my 'fat' clothes to our local MCC Charity, and have gotten rid of at least 3 garbage bags full, and have about 5 grocery bags full waiting to go as well.  
Everything I bought was on clearance, thank goodness, and when these no longer fit, I will donate those as well.  To me, it's so worth it.  Every now and then, I get that thought at the back of my mind that maybe I should hang on to some clothes just in case....and then I give myself a little shake and tell myself I WILL NOT go back down that road again!  Easy to say at 5 1/2 months out I realize, but I have to keep positive.  
I'm going out this evening to listen to some really good Blues music and I plan on wearing my newly acquired purchases, including a Miracle bra from Victoria's Secret.  My first purchase ever from there and dang the 'twins' look awesome in it, lmao!!!...Maybe I'll have DH take a pic and post it later.

It's hard to believe that I've been on this road for 5 months plus.
I did my measurements this morning and I lost 6" last month and I guess that's pretty good?  I'm not sure if it is or not, lol.  I lost a total of 10.5 lbs. as well.  So in total 30.5" are gone from my morbidly obese body and 76 lbs. in total.  Tomorrow is actually my weigh in day, but i did it today to get the numbers, and unless a miracle happens overnight, I didn't lose a single lb. over the last week.  Kinda disappointing as I've been working out regularily on a daily basis for the last 2 weeks.
I know I'm not supposed to let these 'stalls' bother me,  but these mood swings I'm experiencing are getting the best of me.  There have been too many days when I've been really mad or really sad for no other reason than these blasted hormones.  I will speak to my Dr. next month when I see her for my 6 month check-up, but I would prefer to kick this without meds.
Anyway, I've lost an average of 15 lbs. per month and that seems so insignificant but if I continue on this trend of even 10 lbs. per month, in less than a year I will have reached my goal and beyond.  I seriously cannot imagine this feat occurring at this time.  I am so focused at getting in my elliptical everyday, and trying to maintain healthy protein levels that I can't afford to look that far ahead. 
I'm glad though that I chose to reflect on those numbers, if only for a moment, so that maybe this dream of being a healthy weight is more conceivable than previously thought.  Especially with my thoughts and feelings so overly dominated with the dreaded hormones.
I hope to post my 5 month pictures shortly, but unfortunately they are stored on my 'not cooperating' Mac Book.  Can't wait to see what the before and after pics will look like next to one another!

 My Monday morning weigh in tells me that I lost 3.5 lbs. last week which I'm pretty pleased about.  This brings me to 215.5.  So off in the short distance I can see the elusive 'ONDERLAND'.  I honestly cannot remember ever being under 200 lbs.  I was 218 for about 5 min in 1995 and then that went away.
I bought an elliptical last weekend.  A good one!  So I'm finally moving my butt and getting in some daily exercise.  So far I've pushed myself to go for 16 minutes and hope to increase it to 20 min by the end of this week.  Considering I felt like I was dying after 3 min of use, I guess I'm pleased.  I still have some issues with my knees aching, so I'm taking it slow.  I'm looking forward to Spring and some nicer walking weather.  And I'm very much looking forward to Aqua Fit this summer.  Exercise is starting to excite me again like it did before I got all these 'injuries'.  I was always very active before and always stayed in the 250 range, I can't imagine what it will be like to get to goal (maybe lower) and be able to maintain it with exercise and this wonderful tool I've been given.
I have used the elliptical every day since I got it, except for the day my Grandmother died last week Friday.  I just couldn't do it.  But my Grandmother lived to be 93 years old and was always very healthy, so I know I have some of those good genes in me somewhere, I just have to work what I got to find them.  

 I posted my before and after pic on my facebook last night.  Something I wasn't going to do, but yesterday was just so great that I had to keep riding that emotional high.  Needless to say, I was extremely overwhelmed with emotion at the reactions I received.  I just keep telling myself just how blessed I am and I'm one very lucky girl.
I see the difference in the picture, and it's amazing but when do I get to 'feel' the difference?  I haven't bought any clothes yet as I'm still wearing my 'old' clothing.  My hope is to be able to buy a smaller size when I go shopping in February.
I know I still have lots of work ahead of me until I'm no longer considered obese, but all the confirmation I have been receiving only makes me more determined.  
I couldn't have gotten this far without the constant support I receive from Meteebee, Diane, Christine, Herc, Tammylyne and so many more.  I only hope I can give back just as much and more and inspire others as they have inspired me.
Thank you!!

 So in 4 months I've managed to lose 66 lbs. and a total of 24.5 inches.  Not too bad for an 'old' gal like myself.  Lol!!
I'm pretty proud of this accomplishment and happy where I am but it still hasn't blown me away yet.  The lowest weight I've been since I was a teenager was 220 lbs. and I think once I hit that goal, this might seem more real.
I'm eating pretty normal and always put protein first.  I really miss bread, especially fluffy white.  I think I'd kill for a tuna sandwich.
Other than that, things are going as expected.  I still have this fear that the weight loss will stop one day soon and I'll never hit Onederland.  Wow, my birthday has made me feel a little melancholy this morning apparently...but I think failure will always be on the back of my mind.  As long as it stays there and doesn't start to rule my thinking, I should be ok.
Well, Happy Birthday to me.  I weigh 226 lbs today and hopefully on my 40th birthday, I'll be much smaller and have a greater positive attitude!