I Thought I Was Strong And Confident...

Nov 06, 2009

Boy was I wrong.

I went to the OH conference meet n greet this evening.  I have to admit that I had to really talk myself into going.  I am a very shy person and it is more natural for me to be a hermit than to go out and be around people...especially people I don't know.  So I made the effort.  I got spiffed up and I went over there. 

When I arrived, fashionably late of course, there were already a lot of people there.  After grabbing a comforting glass of water to occupy my empty hands, I scanned the room.  I finally spotted the one person I felt I somewhat knew, whom I had met at the clothing exchange earlier but there was no room at her table.  So I proceeded all the way to the back of the room to a table with only 3 people.  I asked them if I could join them.  They said that all the seats were taken.  I scanned the room again and all of the tables were pretty much filled with people happily chatting one another up and nibbling on hors deuvres.

This is when panic started to set in.  What do I do now? 

I cannot tell you the great feeling of disappointment I felt.  I had thought that surely I would feel welcomed among these people...I thought I would feel like I belonged. But instead I felt very isolated in this room full of people, people whom I thought were just like me.  But were they? Where most of these people post-ops?  I have felt this way many, many times before.  Like the fat girl just trying to fit in but not really fitting in at all.  I thought surely, this would be one place I would not feel like that.

Wrong again.  Flashback to the many parties and nightclubs I have been to and felt so awckward and out-of-place.  I fled the room to the bathroom across the hall where I abandoned my comforting glass of water to exhale and use the toilet.  I languished in there longer than I would have normally, trying to decide if I was going to get back in there and try again or just go home.  Just going home won that mental battle. I exited the bathroom and out the front door.  I sat in my car wondering why I had even bothered and why wasn't I the "life of the party" kind of girl?

Is there a division between the pre-ops and the post-ops.  Or is it that once you lose your weight, you suddenly become one of the "others"...do you forget what it feels like back on the other side of thin.

And I don't know that that's a bad thing.  Maybe it is a good thing to no longer see yourself as a fat person and embrace your new normal sized life.  I certainly can't blame them.  What I was feeling was certainly not their fault.

It is just me and my insecurities and I look forward to not feeling that way ever again.  I look forward to losing this weight and feeling the confidence to go into a room full of people, by myself, and be completely at ease.

It will happen...one day.

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