Michelle_2975

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So tomorrow I start.
I am really happy that I am going to be doing this. I have gotten all that I think I may need for the next couple of days. I think the only thing that I may miss is my Timmie's coffee. Obviously I am not happy that I have put on a couple pounds but I think it has given me the motivation to get back on track. I think that I am fat now but I don't want to become the fat pig that I was. I do not want to go back to people treating me like shit or less than human because of my weight. Working the midnight shift sure gives me time to think about stuff. I am tired of not being able to fit into regular sized clothes. It does bother me that I can't go into any store and buy their largest size. I did have a weight goal for myself but my biggest goal was to fit into clothes from all stores not just select ones. Clothes from the Garage and Le Chateau still seem so tiny to me. I want to be able to wear the tiny clothes even if it is their largest size. Not necessarily from those stores but from all store. I really did think post-surgery would be easier. I read up on so much and everything before I went for it, thought I knew it all. Hahahah! They warn you about the mind factor towards this procedure and how it could affect you. I thought I had it all figured out. And then I am living it and I know that everyones journey is different but I didn't realize it would be so challenging.  What I am going to try to do is have a better attitude about everything weight related including body image. Last summer after loosing so much I thought that I was the bomb :) not so much now. I have to get those good feelings back. I really have to look at my accomplishments and take pride and rejoyce in them rather than looking at how I feel I have failed. My little weight gain will only be a fail if I don't do something about it. The past couple of days I have had a few food funerals. Ate pizza and oreo cookie desert today. It was good but not as good as I thought it would be or as good as I remember them being. Especially the pizza and I love pizza. I am happy that it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. It makes me feel like I am not missing as much as I think I am. Anyways I can always have wrap veggie pizza when I start to eat bariatrically normal again.  I am also going to make up meals in advance again so that I can just open up the freezer and pull something out rather than having to wait to make something and snacking while waiting for my food to be ready. Mini meatloaves and crustless quiches here we come. I have really taken a liking to eggs. Eat them almost everyday. I buy those egg whites in the milk cartons. Also mushrooms. Yummy, egg with mushroom and red peppers. Healthy protein. I am so happy that I have a couple days off to get my shit together :)

Till  tomorrow
Peace out!

I am so happy that I feel better today. Yesterday was rough! One day at a time. I am still going to do the 5dpt. I can't wait!

Well I suck, or at least that is how I feel. I can't believe that I have gained some weight. I am so upset with myself. I was always scared right from the beginning that I wasn't going to be a long term success with this :(  I don't understand why I can't get on the program and stay on it. Why does it have to be such a struggle? Why couldn't I be the person that has bad dumping? I know that I wasn't loosing any weight and I told myself as long as I can maintain this loss I am okay. Well I have put on 4lbs and my work pants don't fit anymore. HA! I went to go and get them hemmed and I couldn't get the button done up. Granted it was a tight fit to begin with but.... Joke is on me.  I can't believe what a difference 4 pounds can make. Before at 270lbs a couple of pounds didn't make any difference. This time the extra weight has kicked me out of being over weight to being obese. My doctor is willing to fight for me to get plastics but even he said that I have to loose 20 more pounds. Well that number is now up to 24, let's just make it an even 25lbs. I have to lose 25lbs. Why is it so hard? It seems me that if I can lose (almost thanks to my weight gain) 100lbs I can lose the last 25 that I want. I went for some counseling but felt that I was being judged. I have been to counseling before so I know that it wasn't me but how the lady did her job. I do not like it when what I am talking about doesn't seem important enough to discuss. She was too caught up in my smoking habits to look at the reasons why I use food as a crutch.  I didn't want to tell her that I smoked nor that I drank but she wanted to know and like I thought Judgment!

I have found that with the little added weight I have been super bitchy. I just can't stand myself and have been taking it out on others. I am surprised over the years that my Homer hasn't left me. The past week or so I have also been forgetting to take my antidepressant at night. I asked Homer today to help me remember to take it. He thought that I have been. He said that it makes sense now why I have been so bitchy. I was sitting on my couch crying today trying to figure out why I have been feeling so shitty other than the weight gain and realized that I have been so tired at night that I haven't thought about taking it. I also have been working way too much for me. I am not a full time worker. It gets to me. Not that I am not physically able to but it gets to me emotionally. I get burnt out so quick. I can't wait until Sunday to be able to recharge emotionally as well as physically, although I know that the days will fly right by.

I do enjoy the met and greets but I get jealous when I see how much better everyone is doing. I feel like I am the only one that struggles with this. Everyone has been way more successful in the losing part. Some days I don't even feel like I should be sitting on the bench.

I have been getting really pissed off at Homer. He is off work. This will be the third week. He sits around and doesn't do anything constructive unless I yell. I can't stand the way he doesn't listen. I hate his selective hearing. If there isn't a problem with his ears there just might be after I box him in them. I swear to god next week if he brings shit food into the house I am going to leave him. He can have everything. I just told him that maybe next week when we see the specialist that they may give him a couple weeks of antibiotics and he may have to go back to work. He said that all he heard is that I want him to go back to work. I can't stand it. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I feel like the amount of support I get in my everyday life is zero. I can't even believe that I am venting on line about him. Boy do I like the anonymity here :)

I can't wait for my days off!!!!!

Well it is over, my 2 interviews. I have only heard the 1st one. It sounded better than I thought it would. I was such a bundle of nerves!!!  While doing the live interview on the radio I really thought that i was going to be sick. Could you imagine that, live radio and me puking, lol! That would have sucked. I wonder how they would have reacted.  I can't believe that I was able to tell my story or at least parts of it. It was exciting. When I first got my referral I wasn't sure if I wanted people to know. I guess there is no going back now. In a couple of months I am going to be doing a follow up with Gosia. For months I have been looking for a motivator to keep on the diet and loose more weight. I know that it doesn't seem long but I have ate well for the last 4 days. I stocked my fridge with fruits and veggies, I didn't buy granola bars and have scaled back my portions. I have also starting eating salad again. Mixed greens with raspberry dressing. I am going to start making my own dressings to further reduce my caloric intake. I am bound and determined to be lighter when I do that follow up interview. If she asks how much more weight I have lost I don't want to say that I have been successfully maintaining, I want to be able to say at least 15lbs.

I know people are assholes but I can't beleive how ignorant people are with

Been a bit since I've blogged. Blogged is such a funny word to me.  Can't believe that I actually got to go dancing twice last month. Both times with my fabulous cousin. She can be such a riot! I sure am enjoying the fact that I can dance pretty much all night. The only thing that gets in the way is the drinking . 

I have been doing better. I had a bout of insomnia and my doctor put me on some meds for it. They are a low dose anti-depressant. I like them. Not only am I sleeping better but my moods have gotten better. Forget those Happy Sense herbal pills that were doing nothing for me. There is only 1 kind of herb that I like.

I am going to be on CBC News Monday. It is to create awareness about the pilot project Manitoba has for its bariatric program. I wish I could see it before it goes on air. I hope that I don't look stupid on camera. I am trusting the girl to do a good job with mine and the other Michelle's stories. I am sure it will be great or at least I hope as I will have friends and family from home watching it too.

For the past couple of months I have been working for 4 days per week. This is the most that I have worked in a few years. I have been enjoying it.Before I would spend a lot of time on my couch. Before when I had conseutive dayss off I would just sit there with back pain or just be too tired to do much. Now it seems like every day I have off I am running some place.  I have been enjoying my time back at the hotel. The new manager is nie and it seems like the company is better to the employees than the other one. It almost seems like they actually care about the employees rather than just the botton line.

I went to the counselors and she tells me that I have Low Mood Disorder. Okay. She also talked about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I am happy that I went. She said that I got lucky with someone having canceled. Normally it takes a couple of weeks to get in to start to see someone. I am going to be seeing her again on Feb 3rd. A couple of things that I am going to be doing is upping certain supplements that I am taking.  It was suggest that I take 2,000iu of vitamin d, 1500ui (or mg's, I can never remember which one) of vit b12, a multi with at least 50mg of each b complex, omega 3 fish oil or in place of a capsule to eat salmon 3x per week, 35mins minimum/ day of aerobic exercise, and going for a tan. She also suggested a pill called Happy Sense. It is a 5-htp pill that naturally builds the amino acid tryptopan.  I t's suppose to Stops carbohydrate cravings, Enhances serotonin - our happy hormone, Improves mild depression, Reduces PMS symptoms, Aids restful sleep, Helps prevent anxiety, Reduces menopause stress, Provides fibromyalgia relief, Reduces panic attacks, Aids weight loss.

I hope that this pills helps. I am a little leery of it just because it is suppose to help with so much. If it is to give me that little lift that I need it will be worth it. It is suppose to be the natural alternative to Effexor. We shall see.

She seems okay. She is confident in her abilities with her job. She is honest in her assessment of me.  I will be going back to see her.

I posted the following on the forum page. I wanted to add it here too just for me.


Post Date: 1/23/12 11:09 am
Last Edit: 1/23/12 12:06 pm
Today I called Blue Cross to find out what my coverage would be for counseling.  I found out thate my employer offers free counseling. They transferred me to the intake worker and now I have an appointment at 4:00 today. They sure don't mess around. Fish or cut the bait. I guess I am fishing. I am nervous about this but happy. I feel good that I am going.

I wish everyone continued success.

Mich










 

It has been a year. A year of ups and downs.  A year of some great successes and some fall backs. The biggest hightlight of my year has to be my wedding. I have never been happier about something. Even the surgery and I am pretty happy htat I got my RNY.  I am disappointed with myself about how irresponsible I have been with my diet. I really have been fucking up. I hope that I can find the motivation to continue with this wonderful chance I have been given to get healthy.  I cant wait for winter to be over either. I am so happy to be home for a couple of days. I am feeling burnt out and tired all the time and I know it is from not taking all my vitamins.  I feel like I suck, lol.  Not much else to say.

I can't wait for Christmas this year! I have bought Homer some wicked cool gifts this year. He doesn't have a clue that I got him a tablet. He thinks that he is going to look for a good sale on boxing day to get one. Surprise, surprise, gosh I can't wait!
I am making Christmas dinner this year. I know I shouldn't be trying new things when I am having guest but too bad, lol! I can't see how a person can mess up green bean casserole but we will see :) Homer, lately, has been really liking sweet potato fries so I am going t o try making the sweet potatoes with marshmallows this year. I am hoping that I have bought everything because I do not want to have to do anymore shopping. I went out this morning and had no patiences at all! I am glad that I am done my shopping.

THE NEW YEAR!
I have decided to not beat myself up about my eating. It is almost a new year. I look back on this one and see how much I have accomplished and I should be proud of myself rather than hating on myself.  A new Year to make better eating decisions. I haven't really done any good grocery shopping lately. I have already started my shopping list for my next payday. No messing around, a new year and a new leaf. My goal next year is to loose another 40lbs. I lost 90lbs this year and I have my tool, I just have to use it. The honeymoon period is over with this surgery and now I realize that I have to work at it. I do not want to be fat!! I have come this far, too far to let myself slip back. So many people are proud of my weight loss, I don't think they know how easy it was to loose what I have. It seems like as soon as my wedding was over I have no motivation to loose. I will be happy to have a steady work schedule in the new year too. Time to go to the gym. I have had the membership since last May. I need to use it. Also, after work at the hotel I need to use the fitness room. I did once and that was it. If I could get into that habit. I will use their equipment 2x per week and my equipment at home 2x per week I should be okay in the exercise department. Next May when it is time to renew my membership I will not unless I really get into the group classes. I am also going  to look into classes at the city-ran local rec center. I figure it would be cheaper for me to get a punch pass and use that. Anything has to be better than what I am doing now. I am wasting my money by paying for a membership. I had really hoped to enjoy working out. What I have liked the best do far was the aquasize. I really need to start that again. Anyways big plans for the new year. I am going to my hometown this summer and I want to look smashing! I do not want to go back and look the same as everyone saw me this summer. AND... I really want to get my plastics done Jan 2013 and will not get it done at this weight, although Dr. Andrews said that I would loose 15-20lbs in excess skin. I really want the total body lift.

Today is 11 months post-op for me. I haven't lost anything since September. I know my journey isn't over, it shall continue!!!  For all the crap I eat, I still have to use a protein supplement or my protein intake suffers.I am looking forward to Christmas but once it is over I am looking forward to eating right, weighing my food, recording what I eat, exercising and getting rid of this left over excess weight! I can't wait to get some plastics done as well, then I can finally be without my spare tire. I used to call them love handles when they were small. After a few years it changed to the donut. As years went by and it got bigger I started calling it my spare tire. I can't wit to get rid of what some people affectionately call their muffin top. I just think it is gross and it sure does make my clothes fit funny. I can not shop for clothes that fit my shoulders, Just like before surgery, I shop to fit my mid-section. Chop, snip, cut, problem gone :)   Although, I have stopped buying 5x tops and now just get an extra large with most tops. I tried on a sweater that I wanted from Zellers and I thought that the XL was too small. I'm sure if I was to have bought it, it would stretch just that little bit that I would want it to, but I don't want to have to buy clothes that I have to stretch.

This year I had many expectations that I thought I would fulfill. I think that they were too high. There are somethings that I could be doing better and that it is my fault, ei. exercise, eating habits etc. I figured that I would be this new person kinda.  I did think that I would have more energy. I do not get as tired as I used to before surgery but I really thought that I would have more than I have. I really thought that I would have way more restriction than I do. Yes somethings make me feel uncomfortable but I really was hoping that I would have problems eating. The only problem that I have is eating too much, still. I can't believe how much I can eat. In the new year, like I've said, it is time to start weighing food again. I have only had 2 real dumping episodes. Once with a carrot muffin and once having mushroom soup with crackers. That surprised me. I have ate crackers and I have mushroom soup a lot. Mix together = dumping. Both times were horrible and I don't want to do it again but I wish that I would do it more often. I really thought when the willpower gave out, I would have this to keep me on the straight and narrow. At this point, I do not know if the skin under my chin is tightening up or filling out :(  I wish that I had someone to talk about this to. I feel like no one really understands. I feel like everyone is doing so much better than I am. Enough wallowing!!

Here is to a great 2012!!!  If anyone reads this I wish you a very merry Christmas. I am not religious, but please try to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season!

Peace out!

I do not know why I can't just get back ON TRACK AND STAY ON TRACK. Tomorrow once again I am going to try to get back on track. If I am not eating too much I am not eating enough. I wish that I could find a happy medium. My scale is reading 170-171 again. I feel like a pig most of the time. Some days I just cant stop eating. Some days I don't really eat at all. I do not have to go back to work until December 3rd, so
I AM going to get my shit together. I can't believe that I am wasting such a great opportunity. Since I have quit smoking it really has been hard. I am going to be cleaning out the kitchen tomorrow, I am going to bake some healthy snacks for when I Need a fix and going to make sure that I have many healthy options in the house. I don't really think that I have been eating too much (except for those PMS days) but I sure haven't been drinking enough. I do not feel dehydrated my pee is normal for me, but I probably only get in about 1300ml a day. Ibet if I could get that up I would drop more weight. tomorrow I am going to buy a sippy cup that holds 1500mm and I am going to make sure to drink one a day.

One a different note, today I bought a pair of junior skinny jeans from Stitches SIZE 9!!!!!!!!  Man I think I look hot in them. My ass actually looks small to me in them :)

Well, I ma tired and bitchy so I figure I should go to sleep. I worked midnights this weekend and I am quite fagged out.  Till next time.


Peace