laDeelila

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I have been slacking on updating this profile. I really want to keep tabs for myself, but I have been so flippin busy!

So my stats and NSVs:

I am now at 218ish with a total loss of  a whopping 69 pounds!

I feel at odds about this. I still have like 50 to go but I feel like I can tell when I put on some clothes but I feel the same as I did when I was 287. Its a weird feeling. I do see it but I don't feel it. I call shenanegans!

I squished my ass in some stretchy size 16 jeans. Love it, however I have been trying to look good in skinny jeans..... not so hot. A few more months maybe.

It's funny, when I get complimented from the people I hardly ever see, it boosts my confidence. When I hear "you are disappearing every single day, I get annoyed! I'm like yea dude, tomorrow I may come to work invisible. I know, I'm an asshole and it's nice but you obviously can't tell I lost that half a pound since yesterday lol.

I like going to this small studio gym even though it is kind of a far drive. It's a small studio that you don't have to worry about all the big dumb weight machines and the hundred people on the tread mill. The one machine is a bike that sits in the corner to use while waiting for a class or private session. We use our bodies.. like boot camp style and sometimes a box or ropes. It's pretty intense! I ended up buddying up with my dietician who is super cool and my age so we bonded over some sweat and grunts from pushing to get in those last dive bomber push ups!

I have a new surgery coming up that I am not happy about, but I know I will be fine. They found a urethral diverticulum and need to have reconstructive surgery. I'm dreading this completely! It totally fucks up my summer plans......which on a good note.....

I finally got into a competitive Nursing school. I start in Summer and will graduate in 2015 as an RN-BSN. I'm so ready to be done!

Anyway that is the crazyface shit that has been going on along with a friends engagement surprise and being single wooo it's a wild ride!

Here is a pic or 2:

My beginning weight - 287

Surgery weight - 265

2 Months - 234

Total loss - 53 lbs

     I feel like I see it a little but not drastically. I have been losing steadily with about 2 lbs per week. I'll take it! I am beginning regular foods, however I stay with what I know. I haven't branched out too much due to a busy schedule. My pocket it bigger though! I save so much money eating the way I do. My only downfall is the dreaded exercise! I can not get motivated but I want to. I always had a problem with exercise. I randomly do it and at low intensity. I need a swift kick in the ass! I guess I have to break down and join the freakin gym Ugggh. I'm such a lazy baby about it!

Here is my 2nd month progress pic!

I am about five weeks out and lost a total of 19lbs since surgery and a total of 41lbs since my highest weight which was only a couple months ago. I had a bit of a stall last week, only losing about a half a pound. Most likely due to the evil monthly lady business. I'll probably be a stair step loser which is ok with me as long as it comes off!

My first NSV was getting ready for my first day back to work! I wear scrubs and about a year ago we were required to get uniformed scrubs. I bought a few then, but i grew out of them real fast. I bought big girl scrubs and have been wearing them up until surgery (tightly I might add).

I put them on and BAM! They dropped straight to the floor! I was shocked! Then went back in my old stash. Tried those bitches on and I was yet again surprised that they fit with plenty of room to spare! I had to tighten the draw stings. Still a little too baggy, but I'll have to sport the MCHammer scrubs until they fall off so I can head out to get new sizes.

It's wild to not notice or think you can't see any change until one specific little moment and the "oh shit" factor kicks in. Then all your hard work is rewarded and all the challenges are thought as well worth it! IT FEELS FLIPPIN AWESOME!

I look good and feel even better!

PICS TO COME AT 8 WEEKS!

A little about the depressing post......

     It's been a few weeks and it is still hard to think about the break up. I miss him very much, but it was the right thing for both of us and he agrees. We talked and went to the movies once because we both still want to be part of each other's lives some how. I feel like I lost part of my family. but things are getting better and I am focusing on me (as selfish as that is), school, and de-stressing my crazy work schedule!

I didn't want to be depressing, but this is part of my new life and directly involves the success of my journey and my self preservation. I really just wanted to get this down and read it over to see how awful it sounds!

It is the weekend and I have basicly done nothing but lay in bed and watch movies. I feel kind of lost right now and sad. Sad and lonely. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years a few weeks ago. We care immensely about each other but it wasn't working for a long time. We both just set our issues aside and nothing ever got resolved. We are not at the right crossroads to be with each other right now and I know I can't go back with him at this point because nothing will change. We still talk and I miss him so much. I miss the fact that I always had someone to talk to, to text for no reason, to sit around and watch movies with, to go do random things. We used to do those type of things, but not in the last few months. The problem is that we were good at going out to eat and having drinks. We were great at ordering in food and sitting around watching tv. However much I am going to miss that stuff, I can't do it anymore, physically and mentally. This weekend I am still out of work due to medical leave and I would call my friends but they all want to go out to the bar or sit and drink at their houses. It's just not want I need to do right now.  All of my friends have their own shit going on and now I'm single and missing the one person that I have been used to for two years.

Is it going to get better like everyone is telling me? People say I will be thin and more confident and meet new people... When does that crap happen and where?

Is this the hormones? Uggh this sucks... I can't move forward just yet and I can't go back to the life I use to have before him...I'm in limbo! I am sooooo not this person!

On a good note I am doing well on the soft diet so far. I am down 35lbs since the beginning of the pre-op diet.

     I haven't posted in some time, but I will catch you all up. I got the phone call to come in at five am.Yea 5AM. I called shenanegans on that one by the way! Everything went smoothly until I opened my eyes in the recovery room. All of a sudden I clammed up with nausea and I swear there was a full on  waterfall developing in my mouth. I was having sleeve spasms which was causing the nausea. For a few days and all through the swallow test I was heaving mouthfuls of saliva. Thankfully my bariatric team changed up my meds and all was perfect. Except for the crazy ass night nurse who made me drink water which was painful and went down like rocks. Still does at this point. Weird!  

     Nothing exciting happened the first week as I healed. I was sore but it was completely bearable other than sleeping on my back and feeling like a flipped over beetle trying to get up from my bed. I used all sorts of fancy moves in bed. I will remember them for another time lol.

     Week 2... the day? Number 1 on puree/soft phase. Started off with a cup of tea.  I feel pretentious now LOL; coffee tastes like shit now for some reason I loved it before the surgery! Anyway, I cooked myself my first scramby egg! I was so excited. It went down well as it was very mushy. About 2 hours later I headed off to school to drop off paperwork and had about a half of a protein shake. I thought I was going to die! Heading home and of course stuck in traffic I get hit with enormous spiking gas pain followed by the unbelievable need to pull over and shit by the side of the road! It was horrendous. Don't worry, I didn't but I sure a hell wasn't going to shit my pants in my car LOL! It subsided. Than about a minute later it came back! OH no! Get to a road with a gas station or anything McDonalds... I didn't care! Luckily traffic broke and I booked it home with no time to spare. Explosions and fireworks in the bathroom I tell ya! Not the good kind. I'm still traumatized and staying close to the toilet tonight! I think I will go back to full liquids for a bit.

These are my pre-op pics for reference later (I really write this for my benefit, but If a few people get anything from my blog it makes me happy)

Holy Holiday Shenanagans! Christmas 2012 will be here in 3 days! This year has gone by like lightning! So I have a few things to share this holiday season:

1) I tied for first at our ugly sweater Christmas party last week! I killed it in the MJ Thriller dance off tie breaker, but lost to second tie breaker singing some Aretha in front the crew - kereoke style. Well it was rigged I tell ya. The prize was a thong and some vodka....which neither I could use at this particular juncture in my life. So... I gave it up to the second best.  The one with man junk to wear it all night over his pants!

Here is the spectacle!

  I was being a sore loser!

Happy Holidays All! I am starting my new life this coming year!

So I am on day three of the pr-op diet.I drink six small shakes a day with high protein, lowlowlow carb and sugar. It has not been too bad just yet. Hopefully I am passed the light headaches and the bit of nausea I had at first. I just keep forgetting that I am on it and I wake up thinking I'm going to go down stairs and grab some breakfast. Preparing to eat is ingrained in me.I would love to be free of that habit!

I wonder what kind of creative skinny sweater I can muster up for next year! Should be an interesting double pic! LOL!

     With what I am going to look like and how I am going to feel. Will my life change so drastically that my family and friends can't keep up? Will I be able to keep up? I day dream of different scenarios that are kind of jumbled in my mind. I see a skinny version of me, but it doesn't seem to be me. This waiting game is torture! I know I have to be thinking way too much!

     Some goals that I am constantly thinking about and hoping for:

Finally stopping the constant over working and pushing limits to show that I can work as hard if not harder than anyone one else that is more fit than I am

Stopping the silent moaning and groaning after the hard days work and be relieved of pain

Changing the attitude that I know that I exude towards others that I think have things so much better than me

Loving myself first and not being afraid to share that love with my family and friends

Feeling I am worth a nice compliment

Dressing a little more feminine and setting aside the jeans and t-shirts of my grunge teenage years

Getting back into the hobbies I was once passionate about before all my focus went towards drowning in my weight.

Start my art projects rather than just saying I would like to

     These are only half the goals that have been bouncing around my brain, but not dissolved.

I also found an ultimate goal celebration (not including food which is a feat in of itself)

bombshellpinups.net

This is for me to get out of my head and to acquire some of the confidence and classic beauty that anyone should deserve.

Super Excited! Now back to worrying.

     Well Happy Thanksgiving if anyone reads this. I am most thankful for my loony family! I love sitting around the table making fun of my 70 year old Aunt for sucking down a case of Coors and only fumbling her words. We banter and crack jokes over a giant turkey and all the fixings that over flow the table. I love that I passed the torch of the serious pre Thanksgiving day hangover shakes to my 22 year old sister who slept on the couch until food was on the table.  It was a great day indeed. However, I may have over ate my last food horah and I am a little mad at myself for going off the deep end with the sweets. Again sugary shit is my trigger. Noted for future reference when craving.

     I am still about 5 weeks  away from surgery. I have been trying to kick a few bad habits, but I still have some work ahead of me! I am losing a little with just tracking and watching what I eat. By December 1st, I will be a little more strict and start eating protein first, veg, then carb as if I were post op. I also am going to try to plan out my meal times as best I can with the nutty schedule that I have as well as slowing down my meals and not drinking with them. Shit is difficult! More power to any of you who do it with out a conscious thought.

     My pre-op diet will be started on December 19th which will consist of 6 rtd shakes a day plus clear liquids while not going too much over 1000 calories. The shakes are a little different than what type of protein I can have after surgery so trying samples during that time will not be helpful. The ones I can have are slimfast, myoplex, special k, muscle milk lite etc. Most are a bit high in carb and way high in suger for post op. 6 doesnt sound too bad. I know I will get through because I want it bad enough. I figure if I can quit smoking after 15 years with no problems for this change, I can focus on discipline for 2 weeks......hopefully

     I am getting a bit antsy, as it is still too far away. I am also working practically everyday up until the day before surgery. I want to keep my mind on something else other than all of my family and friends enjoying themselves with tons of food and booze while I will be feasting on an awesome shake.

     In other news, I have had my psych eval which seemed to go well. I really talked my ass off. She was very thoughtful and seemed interested. I will see her again. my major issue as we discussed is time management.  I decided to right down different meal, sleep, work, and school time scenarios. Eh it might work. Or... it will be worked on!
      That's all for now, nothing too exciting.

READY TO GET STARTED!!!!!

Happy Halloween!

    I went to the Nut today for my overview of pre and post op diet. I like her a lot and don't mind her being part of my medical posse! I told her that I have this vision of myself walking down a crowded city street with what looks like my back up dancers or my own personal theme song except it's my medical posse cheering me on. If someone walked in the room during that conversation, their eyes would widen and walk right back out LOL. We were jumping around and swinging our arms to the tune of my visual. LOL! Now I just have to pin down my theme song.

     So anyway, we had a chat about what I will be doing with my eating and really it is not too far off of what I have researched the crap out of here. I'm kind of on OH overload right now. Time to take a research break, I got all I need to focus on keeping my weight inching down the scale until pre op. Which by the way is 5 shakes and clear liquids daily. I think I can get through it..........I know I can get through it!

     I did tell her she was a meanie for forbidding me chocolate. She felt bad as she should  LOL. Yes I have known for a long time that chocolate candy is my trigger food! I can honestly eat a whole bag of Hershey miniatures if I take the first bite. It is like my job to eat all the chocolate in the world (sometimes all at once lol) to save others from the evil of it's decadence. I'm being way over dramatic, but I am going to miss it terribly. That my friends is my addiction!

All in all, a nice day. Very refreshing after Sandy's destruction. I was working at the hospital all week and I am thankful that my family and friends are ok and that our area was not hit with all her force.We still have many families with black outs until next week, however. My thoughts are with the shore community and the people of NY who lost their homes at Sandy's hand.

 

  
      Well I am almost finished pretesting. It's interesting the comments that I get while waiting for the procedures. I work at the hospital where all the testing is located as well as the surgery and stay. AWKWARD!!! People are extra nice, but they have said things like "Are you sure that this is what is necessary?" and " Why don't you just eat smaller meals and exercise?" Well..... If we could do that, I wouldn't be sucking down this liquid chalk and you wouldn't be in the upper GI business! Others wished me luck and even though they didn't know me and never worked with me, they wanted me to stop in before i went to my unit to show them my success. It was very sweet.

     I'm not sure how I am going to feel about staying at the hospital where I work. I am pulled to all floors and I will know quite a few nurses and other employees. Good thing I am not going to try to hide it. Impossible. I just have nightmares about walking onto a unit and working along side the lucky nurse that has to pull my catheter or worse. DOUBLE AWKWARD!!!!

      This is my pretesting as of now:
Upper GI
abdominal ultrasound
chest Xray
sleep study x2
pulmonary breathing study
O2 saturation test
colonoscopy (not related but was having some chronic issues)
PCOS testing (only related to my history)
Echocardiogram


     Scheduled in the next month:
Psych evaluation
Nutritionist
Vascular lab venous duplex
Nurse Practitioners teaching class
pre-admission testing
surgeon consult
January 2nd Surgery Day!

Wow that seems like a crap ton of testing, but my surgeon is no joke!

     I just picked up my Cpap this morning. I was kind of being a jerk when I picked it up. The respiratory therapist was going over everything and I just kept pushing the subject of "do I really have to wear it every day?" shenanigans. She just laughed and apologized to me. All i wanted to do was stamp my feet and whine like a 4 year old " I don't wanna!" lol. We started trading wacky patient stories. We had a laugh and we're buddies now. It's a sunny mid afternoon here in Jersey and I have work tonight, it's time to set up the Darth Vader mask and drift off to pressurized air bliss. Goodnight all!