ginncat

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I really have been away a while , not to my benefit. I have let myself GO I guess- Once again putting the needs of others before mine. the last 2 years have been a CRAZY messed up life. Granted I value my Mom , and she has been through HELL these last 2 years from a bowel infection and multiple surgeries. I was scared she was not going to make it through everything. All this Drama and stress created the opportunity for old habits to return as I also had knee surgery and then a cancer scare with another surgery. Needless to say I have regained and am currently at an impasse as to the daily struggles. I realized today how far I have let my goals go to the wayside in order to be once again at everyone's beckoned call. Well NO MORE. I hereby reclaim ME!!!! Yes I have been doing some for myself along the last two years , but not enough. I let others detour my Path to my freedom from Obesity. I gave in and bought the bigger clothing again and stopped being active due to pain and the increased attentions. I find it hard to recommit to the JOURNEY - But I MUST. My value is not on weight loss, but to keep the Diabetes and Health issues away. If anyone has ideas for regaining momentum , .....

   I still think of My Parents Pranks- dropping us off for school on a teacher Holiday, Dishing out Cat food for dinner ( turned out we ate out). Dad was always playing some Joke. Kind of missing him a lot lately. Mom is still here and can support me . This April Fools just reminds me I have yet to do my taxes and am trying not to think of the up coming surgery date planned. I know the surgery is needed and yet I know enough as a RN to be worried about the other details my Doctor is playing down right now. How he told me it is a level up from what the GYN stated and then tells me not to worry it isn't cancer yet . I saw the lab results on the test stating cancerous changes , not precancerous. My head is swimming with way too many things and I think the Fear is a big STRESSOR that causes me to eat stuff I shouldn't. Hormones make me feel pregnant then the food gets thrown up ( yes it has happened after 3 years I can throw up small amounts ) like I was pregnant.

     SLEEP - is what I need and as Medications are not responding the same way as pre-surgery ME , it is so Hard to find relief. Will the post op pain be as bad as the knee surgery and the abdominal pain I have now? Well my Bed calls . I only hope it is going to  relax me .

    I took an important call to remind me of the power of memory with food. I ate a toasted PBJ, honey peanut butter links memories to Grandfather making laster and PB or butter toast and the toasted Peanut butter brings back how my Father loved Warm melted taosted sandwiches good memories can still be maintained and I did not over eat. If anyone feels the need for some thing I really recommend try a piece not the whole kit and kaboodle (OKAY some limit control) , enjoy the memory and go forward no guilt in have a positive thought attributed to food , once in a while .

remember FOOD is really not an ENEMY of State!! it is essentail to LIFE

Ginn

April 19th I will be undergoing a bilateral ovarian removal the Uterus was over 10 years ago, a little nervous as Pain meds deffinetly do different than pre wt-loss surgery. My Job requires lifting and carry of children and adults at times. Kids do not listen to "DO NOT kick the belly" . This year has been crazy with health Family thankfully not all mine but stressful just the same .

I am excited and scared to be honest- This I feel is my Quest in conquering FEAR held inside for so many years of my Life; Before weight loss my saying to the people,  as friends was "I know I will die young". Now I have a Life worth living for even with problems that come this direction; I will survive and be better for this situation. . Nothing in Life is Guaranteed- I know and accept this FACT OF LIFE.

i will expect to have a little time off maybe depending on doctor recommendations as I have to be FULLY capable of all my job requirements , not partial return. Weight and comfort craving call - I just need prayer in assistance to prevent  fall back feeding.

     Onward just a few steps more each time - slowly sneaking up on the problems of life.......I will Survive all this Craziness no Matter what. My Oncologist broke ties to one group and now I am waiting for them to get the computers back up to schedule surgery. I am also trying to figure out work issues with PTO/ETO , FMLA. I know things will be okay and I focus right now on one breath one second, one minute , ect at a time. I work in an ER so I can keep busy and keep occupied until I have  more Info .

     I wanted to thank you all for the Support that has poured out from my last blog. I wish well to all on this site.

 Ginn

 

     Alright, Dear Lord above, as I have repeated many times: Enough is Enough! I a glad through all 46 years I have been alive, despite the medical opinion in my childhood that said I would die young. I have not always been happy - you never ever promised the rainbow until the end as a sign of hope. I  have overcome many things with your love and help. I gained weight until my body revolted when I called out and was given help through Medical science with gastric bypass to assist me in losing the weight. So ,in all these years I have overcome many obstacles CORRECT?! Well you won't give me more than I can handle, RIGHT?! please answer this prayer , can we quit the game right now ?! You obviously have more Faith in ME than I do as this moment.

    As I sit and type I am remembering all I have gone through with your assistance and I owe you many Thank You's and apologize  for my own choices and actions. I did the yearly Health stuff this year and now I am going to fight against Cancer? You are kidding ,are you not? One thing that is a great fear is the great CANCER deal ,now it is being  tossed at me. So I ramble on as always when in fear, anxiety and outright FEAR of the unknown that  I have no control over- Thank you for giving me a Man in Stevie that will support me and assist me through the issues. BUT,,, Really have a little less faith in my ability- I need a crisis break.

      BTW wear a heavy mm wet suit and water reflecting material- IT WAS WAY TO COLD!!! Somehow I had a black eye and never knew it I was so numb until my Mom pointed the area out today at lunch. great fun to be had though I am out of shape- I so need to get back into exercise soon  as I am loosing muscle and the bell is getting a pooch without even drinking alcohol recently; I have not been on frequently and thought I should share some insight to cold water whitewater rafting at this time of year.

     Next water trip is a Dive in Bonaire as my Mental get away to warmth . ! I have it paid for by working already and saving for expenses for meals and drinking . I so am a multitalented Woman and becoming more OUTSIDE my comfort BOX/ Egg where I have hidden all my thoughts and desires to  be Me- No longer am I thinking" What is it that they want me to answer?" asked for an  opinion or desires. I am learning what I want and need maybe separate realities , now I feel worthy of some wants a well.

     A big stressor ( my youngest child) seems to have learned some lessons and will be home shortly after much begging from her part. It is conditional , yet I feel my mind and inside tighten for war or other difficulties. Stress eating trigger that I pray won't send me into FAT LAND and illness again.

    Work is doing well- SORT OF- changing to new system computer programs after 13 yrs with old system , Hard time for all clinical staff  Slower processing of papers and all due to the learning Curve . This factor does not bother Me yet feel so overwhelmed at times. I have gained a support system despite not knowing them all they seem to know who I am so be it. I am liking the support fee;ling weird not blending  in the background anymore though.

   Good Night  and to all a goods night rest and wellness

 

    I am going to visit Ocoee TN again for the second whitewater rafting tip- this time with a boyfriend. Testing his stamina for future reference. I need someone capable to keep up as well as push myself. I have backed off on daily gym/ exercise, other than stairs and work walking I cannot continue along this pathway.
    . I am so looking forward to Saturday as a great Stress reliever. I have lost myself in tacking  care of everyone else before me. Damn It I am important and this stress reducer will be great. If Possible we will be riding the motorcycles through the lower mountain ( hills ) area and stay over night to relax with no family obligations for either one of US.  I feel this is a great need . Drinking and medications are only part of my solution . Dealing with stress is pushing me back to the sweets/ crunchy snacking. Sleeping pills lead me to talking to people ( which BTW I have no recollection of at all)  in home and eating whatever there is available. 
 Good night from my end of the crazy conversation-Sleep tight people things do get better but the By-Pas did not cure all my issues. It gave me the  power to take back me and get Healthy . Now I am retraining an old Dog ( only because do as they please anyway) new tricks on dealing with my crazy chaotic LIFE. I have learned to stand up and ask when I need help or acknowledge these needs to myself- a willingness to accept help as well. Peaceful start, not easy though at times, RELAX I think will be my word of the day Friday
.      WEIRD / UnusuaL SIDE EFFECT?
    P.S.S. Think about this when you get a blood-work check low potassium causes Constipation, fatigue . Never figured that as a cause. . Found out my Potassium  was 2.7 Norm ranges 3.5-5.0. if you have excessive vomiting / diarrhea you think of dropped potassium. I had neither. started with some leg cramps nothing like previous times when it was low ,so keep that in back of you mind if you have this issue.

    Boy time has flown by as I look and see my last post was in  April. I have been taking care of my Mother as she has been sick with Bowel issues and coming soon to a bowel resection. Needless to say, I have slipped and hang on by toenails . As I get more nervous and exhausted, I am getting more nervous and deleting myself from the care list. I have realized this issue and try to avoid repeating , although I have days it happens anyway.
    I posted last on dating issues. I am more relaxed in that area since I broke up with a controlling man and have since started dating someone that I really love being with and  treats me with the most utmost respect and admiration. He saw my before pictures and still cares. He helps me  keep things in perspective and lends a hand if needed. I also have relaxation time riding the back of his motorcycle or riding the one he has lent me to start out riding. I love the freedom of motorcycles ! I did take a saftey coarse from MSF ( I do know the dangers involved). My oldest daughter is scared ,so I do not let her know how often I ride. My other daughters are asking where I went - this is not the Mom they know. Speaking about the previous comment: I have completely changed as a person . I am so Thankful for the surgery!!!! I feel a freedom in Life I never felt before and thereby am learning to Identify ME , define ME, improve ME!!!! God did make me ,but I have flaws , some permenant. I am gathering all the things I need to do repairs and improvements
     . We all can fly with time or sit and watch time go by us daily . Change is good for the soul once you know how to Fly.

     Really there should be a site for the dating rules book- OH YEA- I forgot there are no longer rules it's a take and give what you want world now. I wish I had rules to play by that would guide me through the MENTAL CRAZIES of dating. OK they said to talk to a counselor for reentry and dealing with history issues. I am and now fell even more confused at times !! I guess because without rules I have to FEEL my way through. I always did what was expected and still felt empty and did not say or do anything to rock the BOAT- I want something REAL this time for ME ( not the make believe step-ford type)!!!!!
     I got a CD by Kelly Clarkston( STRONGER) Nice music but the song calling to me most often is Darkside........can we really be accepted until we take someone there and they STAY? He saw my OLD pics and still likes me, no overly weird reactions to my diet style.Even after seeing me in a bathing suit with the ugly spots showing he has stayed . now to accept myself enough-          GOAL for the present LIKE MYSELF and explore ME.