Communication of Why's

Oct 25, 2011

     This is a long word and even longer for me to totally comprehend ,I think!! I still find my mind saying" don't upset the cart"," Why say that? " "what will they think of me if I say it wrong?" I have such a difficult time talking and telling you how I really think, feel my wants and desires, my dislikes WHY?????? I know a lot of it is ME inside not feeling comfortable with voicing my thoughts and desires, not wanting to be or appear selfish. I am trying to learn to be Selfish and feel bad doing so even today. People always say they understand and go do for whatever you need then I still feel guilty - another BIG WHY??? I want the voices to stop inside and let me communicate with others around me without fear or going to far and being off the chain obnoxious.
       Closing in to being me and I feel like I need to hide- well this is what got me taking care of everyone and putting my self last and least on the chain of priorities. I need to derail the RUNAWAY chain. I am able and willing to do more and need my boyfriend to push with me,  not have me pulling him along. I Love him to pieces and yet to tell him" he tries to please me too much with food gifts and wine dates",  he questions if I still love him. I am a BAD Communicator!!! I just try to explain my life has gotten so far from the food/ wine  being a treat/ reward to end my day . My family had 2 yrs to get this, I guess I have to give him time to understand , yet feel that to go through it all over is draining.  
     Why( for the last item today ) can I blog here and ell y'all thoughts and feelings so openly and concise when a real person can only get a few misguided attempts at words from me.? I know it is to space and the unknown here- at home they are flesh and blood and the voices cry to not offend or say something wrong- back to my need to learn the Communications of Why!!!

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