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Hi all,

 

Today is my three year anniversary of my Roux RNY surgery.  Here are the specs:

44 years old

5’5 (AND a HALF!-you know how important that half is!)

Highest weight: 383

Surgery Day: 359

Today: 150

I have uploaded my before and after pictures at the bottom

I have been maintaining a loss of about 230 lbs for well over a year now. My average weight slide is about 5 lbs (give or take the time of month).

From first seeing a doctor and stating that I wanted to have WLS to my surgery day-it took me just over 2 years for insurance approval. I was one of the folks that were stuck with the 12 month supervised diet failure. Yes! They used the word fail as a prerequisite. Nice, right? If you end up being in this space, use the time to LEARN!!

I had been SMO since I was about 19 years old. I was an average, muscular type-girl for my teen years. I loved to dance and swim. I probably averaged in the 140’s as a teen.

 I left home at 17 and by the time I had my 19^th birthday (which was one month after my son was born)-I weighed about 300 lbs. From that point I gained and lost many times. Finally-about 15 years ago, my weight spiked up and stayed and started getting scarier by the year.

I raised my son as a SMO (Super Morbidly Obese) mom. Many of you will know how this often works. I made sure he got to where he was going and got him what he needed-but hid out from any social functions. It was a mix of not wanting to humiliate my boy and my own shame of not wanting to be seen. The few times I did show up for Patrick’s special functions-I got stares. I was VERY large-quite bottom heavy and people did stare. Patrick would get very protective and it put him in a tough place.

The day came where I actually sat Patrick down and said “Look honey, I know I am really big. It is not your job to protect me and it isn’t your job to worry about all of this. I know it’s hard for you-and I am so sorry”.  He cried and begged me to lose weight and that he would help me. Of course-I was just not ready yet. I had a few more years left of isolation and self loathing to go.

 

I watched my boy graduate sitting half on and half off a metal folding chair-which was slowly bending under my weight. I eventually ended up standing over on the sidelines to finish watching his ceremony-as my empty weirdly bent chair sat there for all to see.

I functioned well in the work world. I was the girl that was very positive and spent crazy hours at work. The truth was-I didn’t have anywhere else to be really. If anyone needed anything-I was there to help. When I left that company after working there for ten years I had about 16 awards of recognition. If you could see me now and hear my tone-it would be like I was telling you a spooky ghost story! LOL! It was NOT normal and it wasn’t healthy. Really.

I missed family trips, my sister’s wedding and countless other get-togethers because I was ashamed to be seen. I can’t tell you how many times I put my son on a plane or sent him off with a relative to go on vacation-because I knew I wouldn’t be able to.

The truth is when I look at my before pictures-I am reminded of how I was so sure I would never survive. I was so afraid that I had ruined myself with the weight-that I would never be able to have a good/normal life.

I felt lots of shame and self-loathing regarding my weight as well.

I remember lying in bed at night and feeling my heart beating in my head. I could actually hear the blood moving around-trying to circulate through my massive and exhausted body. Many times I wondered if I would wake in the morning, sometimes I thought it wouldn’t be too horrible if I didn’t.

When I finally started going through the WLS process-I was VERY ready. If someone would have told me to throw myself in the street naked-I think I would have! I was just-ready.

WLS had been suggested to me in years previously, but I had an eating disorder and my Aunt Barbara died of the same type I had. I was a compulsive overeating bulimic. Yes-you can be both. I knew if I didn’t get my mind around my issue that WLS would not save me and could very well kill me. I knew that WLS would NOT be the answer to all and that there was something much deeper than my weight that was screaming out for help. I spent about 5 years as an intentional pre-step to having WLS. My personal therapist actually wrote the most beautiful letter for my surgeon and insurance company. She stated that never before had she agreed with WLS-until now. She stated that after working with me, she believed that some people were indeed cut out for such a huge change and that she felt secure that I would obtain help and support at every step of the way-which I did and still do.

This is not a journey to be taken alone. You will see me say this constantly. The last place to be left all alone without backup-is my HEAD! LOL!

Here are the things I would like to share with you:

1.       It doesn’t matter if you are pre-surgery or ten years post surgery-you have something to offer someone. I have often learned some of the most valuable lessons from someone who had yet to have their surgery. Share-someone needs to hear from you.

2.       There is no “there”. WLS is not a race to get ‘done’. There really isn’t a finish line, none I have found.

3.       No one has all the answers. If they tell you they do-run the other way quickly (and politely, lol!)

4.       Your doctor, surgeon, therapist, nutritionist are not GOD, they are humans. They will know some things and other things they may NOT know about. It is up to YOU to do your research. I don’t mean only before surgery-but through your life. No one is going to care as much about you or understand your body like you do. Read, research and ask questions. This is not the 1950’s and we have no excuses for ignorance where our health is concerned. Be your own BEST advocate.

5.       Losing your weight and becoming just as obsessed about NOT eating is not a win. If you find your life is no longer about losing weight but is now about NOT gaining weight-you are not in much of a better place than when you started. Get help. There is more to life-I promise you

6.       You will face challenges again. Regardless of your choice in WLS-there will be challenges. The restriction you feel today may not always be there. Sure-you can keep revising and revising-but at some point you are going to have to take the actions it takes to maintain.

7.       Sometimes being “normal” can be scary. For some of us- (read that as ME) normalcy is a scary prospect. I came to find out that I was much more scared of living than dying. Make sure you have as many tools (information, support, friends) as you can get your hands on.

8.       You can do it even if it is hard. Yes. It’s true. I found that I can still measure my food as I am screaming about the injustices of my day. Amazingly enough-I CAN still walk on my treadmill whilst crying hysterically because I am tired and frustrated. I can still get my labs done and log my food each day-even when life is not easy that day. If there is one lesson I think is keeping me alive and healthy-it is this one.

9.       Write down your food!! Yes. How many times do we see a post on the message board saying “I am gaining weight and I do not know why!? HELP!”-if you write down your food-I promise you will have the answer very soon. Writing your food down is boring and non glamorous-just FYI. However-it’s sort of like taking my supplements-it’s not up for discussion in my head.

10.   Any step that you didn’t take yesterday that you manage today is a win. If you are on your treadmill for 1 min longer than yesterday, you win. If you log your food down when you hadn’t before-you win. Success is for sure not won in one big motion. It’s in the little steps. It’s in the moment you get on that treadmill crying. It’s in that moment when you decide to measure your food-even though you “know” the right portion. It’s in that moment that you take the time to share something you are going through with the next person. The journey is in the footsteps. That is as close to “there” as you will ever get.

 

That’s all I got. I don’t have anything very glamorous to say  or to add to this. The steps to getting our life back are often NOT very sexy. It’s messy and some days it’s nearly too much to do. But-running up the stairs because you can, realizing that you are in a huge room full of people and are you just sort of “blending in” and jumping into a pair of pants that are worn out and frayed on the BOTTOMS because you wore them so much (as opposed to them being worn out on the inner thighs-you KNOW what I mean!) -now THAT is not only sexy, that’s HOT!

I will continue my work of venturing out into the world and making my isolation less. I still deal with that today. It's not all the way gone. There are times where I have to really work hard to get 'out there' and be seen. It is slowly dawning on me that I am just fine. I am OK and I am not hideous. It's all good.

If you read this far-you rule the school and I appreciate it!

Once again I am going to thank OH for being around and for the people that post here-I owe you too much to pay back. You are here in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. You were here when I had an anxiety attack because I didn’t recognize my new body. You were here for me the night before my surgery and for all the days and years after. To the people who take time from their own lives to write to me and share their story-I love you for that. I love to hear from others and it will never get old for me.

So I will close for now-since I wrote you a book.

I will go upstairs and have a bubble bath (in a tub I can fit in!) I will put on my favorite jeans (frayed on the bottom and all)I will slip on my favorite pair of boots-which are also starting to get worn on the bottom from WALKING! And I will skip down the stairs (that part is just because I can!) and I will go into this day. When I stop in the middle of some store today and take a look around-I will be filled with gratitude that I get the chance to just be human-just like everyone else today. Now that-that is totally SEXY!!

 

Thanks,

Peace,

Therese

Pictures:

Before:


Side Before:


I was SO ready at this point. Waving to the past


I love these pants. They are the pants from my before picture. I have been known to drag these around as a security blanket-and to remind me where I came from:


A few after pics. 




The "end" LOL!



 

Hi all,

I just wanted to share a picture of Hubby and I at our favorite Italian place this weekend. In the past-I would have NEVER allowed anyone to snap a pic. It's nice to have these memories now.

:)

Hi all,

I need to update a bit. I am going to enter one of my posts from the RNY forum. This post is about coming to terms with "seeing" yourself after surgery. There are SO many changes that we cannot possibly fathom before the surgery.

Post Date: 9/5/09 9:04 am
Hi all,

I am posting here-because I feel most comfortable here and this was my first home at OH.

I have held off on this post-because I didn't want to sound like an utter freak. That may still happen, though! LOL!

I got married and moved to the UK in January this year. Prior to that-I was part of a corporate downsize of a job I had for nearly a decade. From that point-I worked from home mainly for a large computer company.

Not one person in my family has seen me since I lost my weight. Weird, huh?

I was already the isolating type prior to my surgery-so I didn't have many (any?) close friends to mirror back the changes I was going through.

I know-I am rambling. Here is the thing..I do NOT know what I look like??? What size am I? I know my pants generally are an 8-10 USA size.

But yet-I have NO idea whatsoever how I look. Am I still a "larger" looking girl? Am I medium now? I do NOT know at all.

I think it makes a difference-to a degree, having friends around and being out in public more often.

I am certainly starting to branch out a bit now that I have been in England for awhile. However-I don't know anyone (including my hubby) that knew me three years ago.

Have any of you gone through this? Did you find a way to get a more accurate perception of your new body?

I believe there is a whole other realm not yet researched by the professionals regarding WLS. There is much in the way of pre-surgery training and education. There is NOT much in the way of post. The fact that it REALLY (most of the time) takes one to know one-has a big impact.

No doubt we are going to find out that we have some sort of emotional "Ghost Pains" due to the rapid change in body size and shape.

Right now-I would LOVE to have a group of girlfriends I could sit down with and say "Take your pants off and let me try them on"! LOLOL! Maybe I need to make hubby trace me on freezer paper! LOL! (the visual just made me actually laugh so hard my kittens ran from the room!)

I guess I will find my way through all of this-but I really had to just share it. Know what I mean??

Hope all are well and having a fabulous LONG weekend. I don't post much but read here EVERYDAY without fail!

Here are a couple of pictures of me now. I weigh 155. That means I weigh anywhere from 151 to 160 depending on what day of my CYCLE I am on!

I have quite a LARGE amount of loose skin on my lower half and my upper arms. Thank GOD for clothing!!

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I think it helps just to share it and write it down!

Peace,
T

Hello to all!

 

**Warning! This is very long. If you get bored easily-I suggest you RUN for your lives! I am going to ramble a bit-as it is how I best compose what I need to say! Thanks.

It’s time to post again. I have been thinking and thinking about how I wanted to write this post. I wanted to discuss post op life. I really wanted to talk about how we adjust. It also occurs to me that I think it would be a good project for me to start “interviewing” other post ops regarding their mental health and body image.

First-let me give you a quick overview of where I am today. I have lost 230 plus lbs via Roux-RNY on November 28^th, 2006. I feel a million times better as far as my ability to move and walk. It’s a miracle for me to MOVE indeed!


I moved from California USA to a small town in England very near to Scotland. I got married last November 3 and moved here in January.

In some ways I may be different than some of you in that I lost most of my weight outside the view of friends or family-as well as workmates.  This is important, because I think it may be a big part of why I am experiencing issues identifying with my new body.

Because I isolated most of my life due to weight and self-esteem issues-I kept well away from others. Even the wonderful people in my life I tended to push away. This included family as well.  I came from a family who prized “beautiful people”. This caused me to feel intense pressure at an early age and as soon as I was old enough to leave home (I ran away at 17)-I bolted.  A year following that I gained 100 lbs! I was under so much pressure to be a pretty girl and to always be as perfect as I could be.


Well you can imagine how impossible that is and was for me. I was just a kid. I am just a person a human.  However-I didn’t see myself that way for most of my life. I viewed myself as damaged and ruined because of my weight and what I thought were my imperfections. Even though people were kind and I had many achievements-I suffered deeply. I always figured it was just luck or maybe a mistake that I did so well. Not too happy a feeling to have at the end of the day.

So-here I am living in the UK. Even my husband didn’t know me as a big girl. Not one person in my current nearby circle knew me then. And the people that do know me from way back-haven’t seen me now! LOL! Strange-isn’t it?

Soon after I made this huge move to England I experienced a serious phase of anxiety and depression. It really actually started ramping up about a year after my WLS-but I kept busy enough to mostly ignore it.

There came a day not too long ago where I could no longer ignore my feeling of aloneness and despair. I became very concerned about how grey everything seemed-how flat. I decided to find a therapist here and also to start on Wellbutrin. Sometimes we need to use every tool we can get our hands on. This was one of those times for sure!

I am currently trying to branch out in baby-steps. Maybe I will join a Pilates class. I just joined the local library. I have to laugh in writing this-because many see me as very outgoing. I have no problem sharing my life in blog or even in You Tube. I love sharing and being a support to others. The hard part is in the connecting, the allowing myself to be loved and to be a friend. I don’t know how many years it has been since I was in a group of girls having coffee and laughing. I have been terrified in being seen and in participating. I feel like it’s important that I share that. Maybe some will identify.

I feel like I am a kid with training wheels on still. This new body and this new life-are overwhelming at times. Yes-I am absolutely grateful for everything I have experienced. And yet-I have a long way to go. My goals are not huge. My goals are to one day pick up the phone and call a friend and go to coffee. One day I would like to feel comfortable in just hanging with the girls. I have longed for it-as well as been frightened to death of it. I have felt so different and so bad because I believed if anyone really knew me-they would hate me because I was so broken and imperfect. That has been my truth. My goal now is to make that my OLD truth.

In order to help my new therapist understand where I once was, I brought in my old size 34 jeans. I pulled them out of the bag and stood up to unfold them and show them to her.  She thanked me and told me that it was incredibly helpful for her to better understand. She said “I see a petite, lovely woman sitting in front of me. You do realize that we are about the same size, right”? I told her NO! And I really didn’t think we were even close at all. She nodded and said “Ok, we have a ways to go and that is OK-we will get there.”  She told me that even though I have felt desperately awful-it was all learned things. If I learned these things-in time I can unlearn them. That meant everything to me!! It gives me hope.

Being here on Obesity Help was my first real experience in reaching out and communicating in a real way with others-as well as my You Tube page. During some very tough times-I was here always..reading and learning. I have been given amazing support here and have had the privilege to offer support and experience to others as well.

I will continue to share my updates and my experiences, as well as read and share in yours as well!

To those that have offered support and kind words, thank you so very much. Sometimes we really aren’t aware of how much it can mean to another person-just giving that little bit of time.

Please feel free to PM me if you ever need an ear or someone to share with. I bet we all have more in common than not!

So-I have written a book! Plus-this therapy session was FREE! Thanks OH! LOL! I will post my most recent before/after pictures as well.

I would LOVE to hear your experiences. If you can relate-let's hear it! 

Here’s to starting over and to new beginnings. I am grateful I have the chance to begin again-every day.

Before:


After:

 

Peace,

Therese

 

Dear Diary...

Heh. Just kidding. But it is time to update again!!

First-a before and after at goal:



Next-WOW-it's been a busy couple of months!

The BIGGEST news I have is that HP has contacted me and asked me to come back as a contractor and work REMOTELY from the UK for them!! I could NOT believe this. I would like to say I felt really proud and stuff..but because I still deal with low self esteem from time to time-I considered calling my Mom to see if she put them up to this just to make me happy! LOLOL!

Seriously-I couldn't have asked for a better gift at this time and I know it will go a long way to help me focus back into other things besides MY own head. YAY!

I am at goal as I probably previously mentioned. I am now encountering the old "I don't recognize this BODY!" I am finding myself feeling sort of exposed and I have a harder time getting comfortable in this new skin.

Hey-if you are reading this and you have any good websites or books about getting comfortable in your skin, or if you can relate-PLEASE share!!!

I just spent the weekend in Wales with hubby. He is a musician and he had a gig to do. It was SO very gorgeous there and I loved each and every moment. Plus-it was the first time I got to see hubby perform with a crowd. I was dead proud of him!!!

So-that is it for now. I will write more later, as I have TONS I can share!

Hugs and as always..THANKS for being here with me!!
Peace,
T

Hi all!

Wow, where do I start? I have had a HUGE year already and it’s only February! I am over 2 years out with a 230 plus weight loss. I got married November 3^rd and moved to the UK January 11^th! If that isn’t some change-I don’t know what is.

I still come and read all the time, many times a day-I just haven’t done an update post in awhile. I follow your stories and progress-as you inspire me like you always have. 

So-here I am in England starting over-COMPLETELY! I am 43 and beginning again. I have a very kind husband and he has lived here his whole life. He is very supportive of my WLS and my happiness. As many of you have experienced-I stayed in some very unhealthy relationships for a long time-because I just thought that is all I deserved...or maybe I didn’t even CONSIDER looking for anything beyond “OK”.

I am slowly adjusting to my new life here and have been up and down with emotions. I have had some rip-roaring tears and some big moments of hope as well. I guess what I am realizing is that my life has been a string of beginning again. I think in reality that IS what life is about. I have always been one to color outside the lines and I suppose this is no different.

I have always been SO very independent and relied on my own power to get things done. I found it very scary in the past to depend on others-as it didn’t always turn out that great. I am learning that we ALL need to depend on each other and it actually will expand my ability to love and BE loved-to let people care about me.

I am currently looking for a job in a new country! LOL-what a trip! People here are REALLY very friendly and helpful. I will have to do a You Tube video about my grocery shopping expeditions as well! As you can guess-some things are different here. Like nutrition labels! Last week I asked a lady in the store about “flavored powders-sugar free, to add to my water”. God love her-she just BLINKED! She wanted to help me-but had NO idea what the heck I was talking about.  I am currently trying to study up on how to convert the nutrition labels for UK-not that easy. I think it’s probably just because I am math-deficient. LOL!

So-I have been able to maintain my weight-actually lost a couple of lbs-not on purpose. I got a bad cold and was rundown and a bit overwhelmed with emotion-eating was hard for a bit. I also had my FIRST true experience with dumping! LOL! No-I didn’t accidentally misread a label-I ate a piece of coffee cake because I “WANTED” it. Well-now I can say I know! I just want you to know that the COLD hard bathroom floor never FELT so good! I ended up making a pillow with the towel and fell asleep. My husband said “Miss T, you had a terrible case of toxic cake poisoning!” LOL! Yes-yes I DID! So-OK, noted, mass sugar doesn’t make sad turn to happy. I was just “checking”. LOL!

 

I just wanted to say Hi and let you know I am here. I wanted to also just share what’s going on-as isolation is NOT my friend.  I am scared and feeling a bit small. I am also hopeful and brave. So-here’s to starting over again-because I CAN!

Onward and Upward..as always.
Thanks to ALL of you who show up and tell the truth and care enough to share your journey here on OH-I adore you for it always. Thanks for keeping me company during my "new girl" phase.

Peace (oh..um..I mean CHEERS!)

Therese

A new pic of me in England.

Pictures at bottom:

Hi all!

Highest weight: 383
Surgery day:     359
Today:              150

Two years ago today-I was waking up from Lap RNY surgery. I remember coming to-and thinking "Ok-you lived, now GET MOVING!". I remember hearing one of the nurses say, "Aw-would you look at her, she is already doing her feet circle exercises!"

As soon as I got to my room I was asking when I could get up and walk. When they finally allowed me to-I got up and walked. I refused to give up and walked all the way down the hall and back, crying. I repeated over and over again "I will NOT give up! I will NOT give up ever!" I was even shocked by the shear will I had to make this thing work.

Since then-I have done my best to follow the rules and focus on the goal. I have had my great days and my tough days. So many wow moments by now-I cannot list them all!

I was on crutches before my surgery-I was losing my ability to walk unassisted. My body was aching and my heart was broken. You all recall that feeling of being worn down and just nearly at the end? That was me.

Since then I have run up and down stairs in tears of joy and told absolute strangers things like "Hi! I just made it through that turn-style" and "Wow! My butt fits in this chair!"

Sure-some folks don't get it-but those that do have shared in my joy.

OH has been my place to come and talk about the things I have experienced. The good and the bad, the scary and the hopeful. There is no greater bond than those that have set foot on the same sinking ship together-only to find out they survived!

I survived.

If I have something to share-it would be to PLEASE always take responsibility for your knowledge of your surgery. The WLS community is constantly learning new things-and just because your surgeon told you two years ago that 1 chewable vitamin is "fine" does NOT mean it's true today. DO YOUR RESEARCH! Never forget that in the scheme of time-these surgeries are still very new. Ask questions, question authority at all times-your life and health will depend on this.

You also know this surgery is a TOOL. You have heard this and it still stands true. You CAN gain weight. You CAN hurt your body. Use your knowledge. DO NOT allow yourself ever to say "Well I didn't know". GO learn-go KNOW.

There are new doors to open and a new life to live.

Bottom line for me- I have finally found MORE of me, by allowing there to be less of me!

I just got married November 3rd-and in a couple of months I will move to UK for a brand new leg of this journey. Life is truly lived IN the present moment-in THESE steps you take today.

No regrets.

Peace and enjoy the journey!

Therese

Hi all!

Well-I am sneaking up on my two year surgiversary. Unbelievable! I have lost a total of OVER 220 lbs.

I can't begin to tell you how my life has changed. Everything is different. Just to MOVE and to WALK-those are the miracles in my life. They really are.

I don't have lots to say-but to remind myself and all of you-this journey should not be taken alone. We NEED each other. We need support and we need ALL the hope we can get our hands on.

Do NOT give up ever. If you are waiting for approval, if you are just starting out or if you are years into it-there is ALWAYS hope. Always hope.

Also-I GOT MARRIED! *Gasp*. I met my UK love and we married November 3rd. I plan to relocate there this year. Hey-if any of you are from the UK-want to drop me a line? Let's talk!! I need to make some new friends!

I am VERY happy and excited and scared too! Wow-how life changes!!!

Enclosed are my before and after and a picture of my beautiful Husband and I!

Thanks for listening to my ramble and always-I thank you for your support and kindness!
Peace,
T

Hey all!

Each time we do this-we have a great time sharing our pics. We ALL remember what it was like waiting for approval and looking at the before and afters OVER and OVER (I STILL love to look at them!). Many times those pictures inspired me and kept me going.

Even if you are only a month or two out-SHARE your pictures here! There is always someone out there who is going to relate to you and may need to hear your story!

Peace,
T

Hi all!

 

I got on the scale today and saw something that made me look twice!!! Seriously-I thought my body was done losing weight-since the scale has sort of "floated" around 160 for the past couple of months.

 I am 21 months out from surgery.

I decided to add some treadmill time and actually added a few more protein calories as well. And-that seems to have gotten things moving.

 

The day of surgery my weight was 359-so that means I have officially lost 200 lbs since my big day! 

 It has been worth everything-absolutely. My only regret (and you will hear this lots around here)-is that I didn't have the surgery sooner. 

 

I just wanted to share here-where I have received most of my support. As always-THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!

Peace,

Therese