And on the first day.....

Dec 30, 2011

I'm one week a way from my consultation appointment (thur, jan 5) and I'm already feeling anxious. You should all know that I'm an extreme paranoid, everything worries me and I somehow always think the worst out of health situations. That is one of my concerns for after I have my surgery is if every little symptom I feel is going to make me think its something life threatening.

I was never like that before but approximately 7 years ago I lost a few persons that were very close to me back to back including my brother and a best friend, they all passed away at a young age and I think that traumatized me in a way to make me feel that life is extremely fragile (which it is) but maybe more so in my head.

So now I'm ready to get the weight loss process started but the idea of the surgery and complications has me a little frazzled. BUT on the other hand I am trying to keep myself leveled by thinking of how healthy I'm going to feel again, how I might possibly find myself again, I can go shopping with my girlfriends again and even look pretty AND SEXY again. It's so hard to look back and see the way I let myself go and how I lost the person I used to be. Although I always had a weight problem, when I was able to take a hold and work out and be healthy, I loved myself and never had self esteem issues, which I think is difficult for most women to say even skinny ones! lol

I can't wait to run around with my son and make him exercises (he's lazy lol), do outdoor activities with my husband. We used to always go kayaking and the last time we went (close to a year ago) they wouldn't let us rent a tandem kayak because I was too heavy and gave me one made to ride by 2 persons to use just by myself. I was with my best friend and my husband and of course was humiliated!! In my true 'Sheila' fashion I made jokes and shrugged it off but we have never gone kayaking again. So I have made a promise to myself that as soon as I lose enough weight I will be going to rent a one person kayak and taking a damn picture to post!! lol

For those of you that have been brave enough to friend me on this site you will see plenty of posts from me, I think writing down (typing), speaking about things that bother or scare you is important because it takes their power away some. When we leave thoughts in our heads to ourselves they can consume us and give the illusion of being worse than what they really are. I was happy to find this website where I can share my fears and know that I am not alone.

I'll keep you all (or myself) ongoingly posted and let's see what happens. I'm looking forward to 2012 and hope it's the year where I get my life back.

- Sheila

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