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Well, my upcoming surgery has gone from a combo hernia repair/ extended tummy tuck to include removal of my adrenal gland and large adrenal tumor that was discovered.  Can we say nervous!  I'm trying to focus on the positive - having a flat stomach for the first time in my life and not carrying this albatross of skin around my waist.  (Surgeon says it's only 5 lbs. of skin, but she's gotta be lying!)  I've been holding at 129 lbs. for almost a month - not the six months stability they like to see, but this hernia has been killing me the past six months and I really want it all done at the same time, since they're having to re-open my RNY abdominal incision to fix the hernia.  Keeping busy and keeping thinking positive thoughts........

I waited awhile to post this,because it's all so new - I've not only hit, but have went below what I thought would be my goal weight!  Now at 131 lbs., I've spent all of my adult life, an average of 150 plus lbs. above this weight - maybe weighed this in 6th grade.  I guess what they say about life begins at 50 is true - as I'll be 50 in one week!

Never give up ~

Anne
SW:  316
CW:  131

Well, had to see my PCP today and was thrilled to see the number on the scale: 144 lbs.!  That makes a loss of 172 lbs.  Pretty scary to contemplate exactly what I looked like prior, as I am only 5"1 1/2.  Though short stature, I wouldn't call my bone structure petite.  I thought I could just keep on doing what I'm doing and see where I end up before I even consider plastic surgery.

Due to having had abdominal pain and a tennis ball/baseball sized growth moving in and out of my upper stomach for several weeks becoming more and more uncomfortable, I thought I'd get it checked out.  I was pretty sure it was a hernia and it was confirmed to be one.  It's right on the open RNY incision line, center, below the breast bone.  She's referring me on to a surgeon, but the wheels have started turning in my head.  I've read often about people having plastics the same time as a hernia repair.  I've got more than a dozen years of documentation from docs seeing and treating my skin rashes and have been using a prescription steriod cream for years, so no doubt would have to pay some $$, but maybe not as much having them done at the same time.  I'd better be a quick read too, because I'm not all that familiar with all the procedures.  Actually, since I had a hip replacement this year, I am maxed out on all approved covered charges. Also, many a rheumatology visit trying to get my fibro pain under control,once again - not there yet.  Great  year, huh? 

The ugly is that from what I've read, docs don't like to do plastics until the body has settled for some time - six months, year?  It's fair to say I'm probably close to being done losing, but haven't stablized for any length of time.  I don't know if I  can just wait out the discomfort of the hernia until the middle of next year.  Probably not, considering eating and drinking can be really uncomfortable, not to mention, if this thing strangulates while waiting, the chance for me to make a decision will be lost.

What to do?

Happy to report I was able to get off the 160 on the scale.  I waited about 2 wks to weigh and found my current weight at 152 pounds, for a total loss of 164 pounds.  I can hardly believe it.  Co-workers have started in on the " you don't need to lose anymore" song, but they have no idea what my body looks like unclothed!  It's hard to know what my goal weight will be, as I've never been thin, and probably haven't weighed 150 since middle school.  I figure the extra skin has to account for 15 lbs., though, as I have so much abdominal skin, not to mention thighs and arms.  I am extremely happy and greatful to have been able to accomplish this, but thought I would look not so flabby all over.  I've heard said - melted candle - I can relate!

On the exercise front, I've had a harder time this month, as seem to be in the middle of a major fibro flare with so much fatigue and pain.  I'm getting a work up by my rheum to see if it's med related.  It's so hard to want to go swim laps, but so many times I have had to take a nap instead. Trying to keep positive, though, and do what I need to do for myself without the guilt.

Just celebrated my five year surgiversary - even with my past struggles, I have lost 156 pounds, am consistent with good food choices and exercise.  Not sure of what goal will be - have so much extra skin now and seem to be stuck at 160.  I eat about 1000 -1100 cals a day and exercise about 4 hours a week. Maybe I'll have to pick up the pace, I guess, to lose more.  I'm having so much fun fitting into smaller clothes - size 10-12 pants, which I can't believe.  I can't ever remember being in that size - elementary maybe?

All I can say to those who have fallen off the track - Don't give up! 

Greatful for this past year, of being able to pick myself up, dust myself off, figure out what changes I needed to make immediately to turn myself around .  I had reached a point where I had gained half of my weight back  and knew I had two choices - give up totally or fight for my life.  I chose to fight and have had the willingness every day  this past year to do what I needed to do for myself.  It's been relatively easy once I "gave up" the battle with the food, though there have been a number of things I've had to deal with in my life that could have thrown me off course, but I didn't let them.  The latest being a hip replacement I had done a month ago - still in alot of pain, but am not using food to get through it.  I'm always so greatful for OH, both when I found the site six years ago and when I returned to it this past year.  It's a constant reminder of both the positive hearing/seeing successes, positive life changes and the pain of the illness.  Thank you, OH!

So long since I've posted.  Feeling pretty good with the place I'm in today, with my food and continuing weightloss - slow, but steady.  Since recommiting myself last spring, it's given me alot of time to reflect on why I gave up on myself after having lost 130 lbs. and had gained half of it back .  True, I loosened up on the food, ate too much of the wrong things, and stopped exercising, but also I knew I had to believe that I could truely succeed.  Beyond being thin, which I've never been in my life, I knew I had to find a place where I could be not constantly obsessed with food, fearful of food, guilty about what I ate, and all the other negative thoughts around food.  The first two years following surgery, I swore off sugar/refined carbohydrates.  The all or nothing mentality never has worked for me long term.  When I did finally eat sugar, I looked at myself as a failure and just kept on eating.  This past 10 months, I've been diligent about watching everything I put in my mouth.  I've allowed myself a few bites or small piece from my regular plan, usually not more than once a month.  What has worked, is that it is in the plan and a small amount.  I don't feel deprived, but more than anything is that I can feel satisfied with a taste.  It also feels good, though, at times to say to myself that I could have a taste, but that I choose not to.  I'm worth more than that piece of _______.  Not to mention, when I think about how many laps it takes to work off a 100 calories, it's just not worth it.  It's all such a mental game.

I'm heading into a total hip replacement in 2 weeks and am pretty nervous about the procedure and how long it will take for me to be able to get back to the gym, swimming, working, etc.  With fibro, recovery has always been a slower process in the past  following surgeries- just getting some pain relief has been near impossible.  Trying to take a deep breath and think positive.  The changes that I have made this past year have showed me how strong I am.

I just hit the 100 lb. mark and I'm so estatic!  It really has been better the second time around, following surgery.  I have learned what I need to do to continue on this path - cpap machine, fibro meds, exercise, good food choices, etc.  It is such a mental game, believing that this can work if I continue to do these things and not giving up on myself nor beating myself over the head for past mistakes.  I know that being thin wouldn't suddenly change my life, but since I've never been thin, I've found it hard to believe that it really could happen.  I've yo-yoed 100+ lbs. the past 30 years, never maintaining any amount of weight.  100 lbs. less and I'm not in as much pain today. I was told I had arthritis several months ago after having had alot of hip pain.  It was hard enough accepting the diagnosis, but I was glad in knowing that in continuing to lose the weight would reduce that pain.

July/2009 ~ I am 4 years out since my surgery and what a bumpy ride it has been.  The first two years following the surgery were the easiest, as I was continuing to follow the rules I had set for myself. I had reached a weightloss of 130 lbs. and found myself returning to old habits, i.e., quit exercising and quit being diligent about what I was putting in my mouth.  It was like I had forgotten everything I learned.  In March of this year I got honest with myself - saw that I had put some of the weight back on and knew I had a decision to make. I decided to go back to basics - exercise, protein first, make good food choices, and not eat foods that set me off wanting more.  It's been nice to see the lil pouch still works!

   

• •  

In January of 2004, I started with Kaiser's bariatrics program here in Portland, Oregon. The first several months were spent working on the various steps before surgery would even be considered. I was sailing along - exercising, eating healthy, and had lost 50 lbs. by June, though still waiting for Kaiser's blessing for surgery. In July, someone close to me died and the bottom kind of fell out. I stopped exercising and doing the things I needed to do for myself. It's now Jan. 2005 and I've gained back most of the weight I had lost last year. I feel so defeated -

January 4th, 2005 - Back on track with the food and exercise, and trying not to beat myself over the head. (I'm so good at that!)

February 16th, 2005 - Down 25 pounds now, working my way thru Kaiser's program for surgery, which I hope to be in a few months. I joined Bally's last month and am in a routine with getting in the exercise - love it when those endorphins kick in! Added benefit has been for my two boys, as we're doing quite a bit of swimming too, can't wait to be more active with them as I get more weight off.

March 1st, 2005 - Down just over 30 lbs. now, it's getting a little easier to move my body. I'm now up to 45 minutes swimming laps (not counting all the times I have to stop and catch my breath!) and 35 minutes on the treadmill. I wish I could say pain-free, but fibro is always acting up, especially when I increase the activity. I will attend a fibro class thru Kaiser this month, which I hope to give me more tips on how to deal with it. I also meet with the dietician and social worker this month, and hope to be able to proceed with the next step. Hopefully, being able to meet a surgeon. We'll see......

May 9th, 2005 - Down 50 pounds, met with the surgeon today, and I HAVE A DATE! I didn't think I would ever be able to say those words. Lots to do in the next month to prepare.

June 9th-10th, 2005 - Last visit with surgeon and 2 days of pre-op classes,appts. Tired of talking about it - let's get the show on the road.

June 13th, 2005 - Today is the day, nervous, excited scared - At the final weigh in before surgery, I am down 60 pounds-Yeah!

June 19th, 2005 - Just got home from the hospital - yep, close to a week there. No major complications (had open), just extra swelling and inflammation which caused massive pain. After 5 days, they finally gave me an anti-inflammatory, Toradol, to reduce inflammation which turned me around, thou I guess not good for pouch. Don't know if having fibromyalgia has had something to do with this. A week later, and I still have to take the max prescribed of pain meds. Recovery seems slow going.

June 25th, 2005 - On the road to recovery, feeling better every day. I can already say I am so glad I did this for myself. As of today, I've lost 9 lbs. in the past 12 days since surgery, which makes it a total of 69 lbs. lost since January 2005

September 20th, 2005 - Three months out now and down a total of 90 lbs. I lost 60 lbs. pre-op this year plus 30 lbs. post-op. Just a little irritating - I'm losing the same 10 lbs. a month I was losing pre-op, no more, although my food intake is at about 700-800 cals and my exercise level is pretty consistent - swimming, treadmill, and exercise bike. I'm trying not to focus too much on the weight. Even though I still have alot to lose, I feel like I've had some success already. I don't know how many times over the years I've lost 75-100 lbs. only to quickly gain it back.

April 4th, 2006 - So long since I've last updated. I'm now down a total of 125 pounds and overall very grateful to be able to have had the surgery. At 9 months out, it's more and more apparent to me that this is just a tool and not a fix. Before surgery, I didn't eat only when I was hungry and didn't stop when I was feeling full. Surgery didn't change that to some extent. I still have to watch every bite that I put in my mouth and stop at what sometimes seems to be such a little amount to food. Head hunger, UGGH! The weightloss has slowed down further, to about 5 pounds a month, but I know that's not my main focus. To be consistent with healthy eating, exercise, vitamins, water is what I try to focus on.
 
Photos

July/2005-One month out from surgery, feeling better everyday!

March/2006-Down 125 lbs. - Clothes stacked behind me are all too big!

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