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Noticing the date on the calander caused me to recognize that ten (10) years ago on June 16, 2003, I took a step that forever changed my life. I had weight loss surgery (RNY) and lost 180 pounds. No more diabetes - no more sleep apnea were just a few of the healthy side effects. It has been a roller coaster of mostly highs, but some lows too, but I would do it all over again cause it has been a learning experience that has given me the life I have now!  I have managed to stay within 20-25 pounds of my lowest weight after WLS since my last 'revision'.  

I went for a RNY to DS revision on August 15th of this year.  I had regained about 70 pounds of 180 pounds lost eight years ago with my RNY and had an enlarged stoma so I was always feeling hungry and was grazing too much.

I had the DS revision lap (which turned out to be part of the problem) on 8/15 -- all seemed to go well, and I was released on 8/19.  Within one day, I was spitting up black dark stuff and getting pains in my chest and back.  Called the Dr early on Sunday (he had left on vacation but his partner called me back) and was told to come to the ER -- but being 3 hours away from where I had surgery, that wasn't happening -- I was in no shape, so after discussing with surgeon's partner - I went to the closest hospital that did have a small bariatric program.  Was told to request a chest x-ray, abdominal CAT scan, and blood work.

Chest x-ray showed pneumonia in my left lung, blood work showed drastically low hemoglobin, and abdominal CAT scan couldn't be read clearly, but they thought it showed a possible blockage in my newly reformed stomach.  ER docs spoke to my surgeon's partner, they decided to admit me, but make arrangements to transfer me back to NYC hospital the next day.  I was given blood, put on antibiotics, fluids, etc.

Well - trying to get a NJ Shore hospital, a NYC hospital, an insurance company and an ambulance service to agree turned out to be like asking for peace in the Middle East -- it ain't easy!  I ended up not getting transferred till Tuesday night -- and I was progressively getting worse -- the black stuff coming up was getting darker and happening more and more. 

At NYC hospital, all sorts of tests performed including the same ones done in NJ -- Wednesday, I'm told that they are rushing me back into surgery -- that they think there is a blockage in my stomach but won't know what they are dealing with until they get in there, and that they are going to have to cut me open --- so much for choosing lap surgery! That was 8/24.

Woke up in the ICU and was told that my 'stomach had died' -- had turned black and necrotic -- and that they had to remove it entirely (gastrectomy).  They connected my esophagus directly to the jejunum of my small intestine and inserted a feeding tube.  Said the only thing that kept the infection from spreading throughout my body and killing me was that a sack had formed around the stomach keeping the infection intact -- they said that was unusual, but had no further explanation for the sack.  (I choose to believe that my angel (my first husband, Chuck who passed in 2004) was taking care of me!) 

Further examination of the removed stomach in pathology showed that the arteries on the left side of my stomach were damaged and not functioning, and the surgeon speculated that it appeared that had happened eight years ago when I had my original RNY -- he had never seen that before and was at a loss to explain how or why that might happen.  There was nothing to mention it in my original RNY surgical report.  In any case, he explained that when he reformed the stomach in the DS revision and removed the right part of the stomach to create the 'sleeve' he was effectively removing the arteries on the right side -- which was not a problem in theory cause there were enough arteries on the left side, but doing the surgery lap -- he had not been able to see the damage on the left side.  In any case, the revision ended up removing all sources of oxygen and blood flow to the stomach which is why it 'died.' 

I had a filter inserted in my groin to prevent blood clots.  I remained in ICU and seemed to be healing, when spontaneously on 9/2 my blood pressure bottomed out and I had severe pain -- they rushed me back to the OR.  I again woke up in ICU to be told that when they opened me up again, they found old blood and infection which needed to be cleaned up and out, but could not find any active source of the bleeding.

Again I remained in ICU -- weak, sad, removed from my support system three hours away, etc.  On 9/9 one of my daughter's friends was visiting me, and according to her, one minute I was asking her to hold my hand, the next I was unconscious and blood was coming out of my mouth and belly.  She immediately got a Dr and I was rushed back into the OR -- again woke up in ICU and was told that for some reason my spleen ruptured and had to be removed (splenectomy).  The spleen is not located anywhere near the surgery site internally, so again the Dr was at a loss as to what caused the rupture - but speculated that the old blood and infection they found in the last surgery may have come from the spleen and migrated to the site where the intestines were joined.....

Again in ICU when on 9/13 -- again my blood pressure bottomed out -- waking up in ICU was told that we had a repeat of the situation on 9/2 -- they found old blood and infection which needed to be cleaned up, but could not find any source of active bleeding.

Six weeks in hospital -- five weeks in ICU -- five surgeries in six weeks -- they all took their toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally.  Gene was told in each of the last three surgeries that he should come to the hospital, and that I might not make it through the night!  I started suffering from what I am told is ICU psychosis -- I was having panic attacks, waking up pulling tubes out of my nose and chest -- it was definitely hell.

I was released from hospital on 9/30 and went home to being on a feeding tube for 12 hours per day -- not being able to walk, extremely weak, etc.  I was able to get small amounts of fluid down, jello and yogurt, but not much else.  I also had three openings in my belly that were not healing and had to be cleaned and packed daily. 

During October and November, I had physical therapy 3x weekly to get my strength back.  Once I started being able to get in at least 2-3 protein drinks daily, I insisted that the feeding tube be removed -- I hated it and being tied to that pump!  I returned to work on Dec 1st so I wouldn't lose my job.

Today, I am eating very small amounts every 2-3 hours, consisting of protein and low fiber.  It must be very moist --  I have lost 45 pounds from the time I entered the hospital, and have really not lost any more within the last few weeks.  I am grateful to be alive and still be here for Gene, children, family and friends!

While I would still like to lose another 30-40 pounds, it is not so important to me any longer.  I am still a believer in WLS for those that have done their research and know what to expect, but once again, there is always the chance that something you don't expect can happen!

I am currently at 225-230 pounds - gaining about 15 pounds per year, and desperate not to let all that I've already done go to waste -- started researching revisions.  Checked out BOB - dismissed rather quickly.  Checked out DS -- realized that was my last shot!

Met with Dr Greenbaum in NJ early this year -- he said I hadn't gained enough weight back, and that he was cutting back on revisions.  Met with Dr Roslin couple of months ago, provided him with all copies of past surgical reports, endoscopy and blood work, and he agreed to take me on. 

JOY -- (not for long) -- Come to find out that my medical insurance with small firm employer that I have been with for last two years has a Bariatric Exclusion against any surgery, as well as complications from past bariatric surgeries!  Tried several things to get around it, including getting on my husband's plan, which although they cover bariatric surgery -- is an HMO and does not have ANY out-of-network benefits.  Dr Roslin's office tried to see if they could get an exemption --  NO GO -- which means I am SELF-PAY!  OUCH>>>>>>

Decided I'm worth it -- and will take out money from retirement IRA that matures in December -- in the meantime, it's going on credit cards......Definately scared that any complications, however minor, could financially devastate me -- Total cost will be approximately $39K.  Hospital charge just went up another $1,500, plus a new NYS tax of $3,500 within last three week.  Oh well, guess I'm a gambler, but asking for prayers and good thoughts anyway!

Met with Dr Roslin yesterday for my final consult -- surgery scheduled for August 15th -- Here's how I understand the procedure, but many of you will probably be able to enlighten me further.  He will reconstruct my stomache into sleeve from unused part left behind from RNY (piecing portion of pouch in) - and reinstate my pyloric valve.  He will then do traditional DS -- he mentioned lenghs of 125m for one, and 150m for other (although I'm not clear on which is which).  He said that there will be three connections/reconnections involved.

He briefly mentioned a type of DS being done in Spain with the intestined looped, that is a bit easier to do, with less connections, that he had done only once, but was very optimistic about, but gave me the choice.  I had read about this on this site, but when he mentioned it, he said my body language spoke volumns and he would do the traditional DS instead.

So, I have ordered my vitamins and some protein drinks -- let my job know that I will be out for three weeks (that's all I can take off reasonably), and will make the surgeon and hospital pre-payments next week.  The balance will be billed to me after the surgery.

I'll be getting myself to the hospital day of surgery by bus from the Jersey Shore -- day of dismissal, I'm hoping my sister or a friend can pick me up to drive me home.

I'll take any well wishes, hints, tips, etc -- I've read the DS Facts and other info you guys routinely give to pre-ops and newbies -- Thanks guys.

I am currently 54 yrs old.  I had RNY June 2003 with a starting weight of 340 -- lost 180-187 lbs in 18 months by December 2004 -- no complications, no dumping -- thought I had finally beat this weight thing that had haunted me for years!  Spent 2005 going through various recontructive plastic surgeries -- LBL, eyes and neck, boobs, arms, thighs (twice).  I was able to get insurance coverage for my LBL, but paid out of pocket for the balance (approximately $30K) thru loans, etc.  My weight seemed to stabilize at 160, and though my own goal lwas 150, I was happy at that weight.

I remarried in June 2006 -- managed to keep weight off with minimum bounceback thru the end of that year, but it was definately getting harder, being able to eat more and no longer having ANY restriction.  By October of 2007, I knew something was wrong and I went for an endoscopy that showed that I had an enlarged stoma as well as an enlarged pouch - that the food was just moving right thru me.  At that time, the 'devious' STOMOPHYX revison surgeon was widely being discussed, and despite insurance denial, I decided to have it done with Dr Shawn Garber.  It was like taking $9,000 and throwing it in the trash.  At the time of the Stomophyx I was up to 197 lbs.  Now I am at 230 lbs!!!!!  BMI is borderline 38-40......

Being fair, I have to say that during this time of weight gain, my exercise regime severely dropped off due to foot surgery, knee replacement and just plain old "lack of"!  All the old head demons came back -- the ones that say -- I know I shouldn't have that, but I'm hungry -- of course much of that head hunger is emotions coming from various issues that life throws at us all -- add to that no restriction, never feeling full due to pouch and stoma enlargement and you all get the picture.

Currently, I recently saw Dr Roslin about a revison to DS -- having realized that it is my last shot at conquering this weight issue.  He reviewed all my past surgical reports -- RNY and Stomophyx as well as the endoscopy.  He confirms that I am a candidate for a revision to DS and that he would take me on as a patient.  Relief!!!!!  Whooo not so fast.

I now find out that my current medical insurance (Cigna) (with different employer than in 2003)has a WLS exclusion against all bariatric surgury including revisions or complications from bariatric surgery.  No way around it.

Dr Roslin quotes me self-pay fees of approximately $33,000 for surgery -- ($10K for him, $18K for hospital, and various other misc of $5K).  Now I don't have that kind of money floating around, but I did clear up all my old loans and credit card bills in the last two years, and could put those fees on various credit cards and then early next year, take a withdrawal from a retirement account that will be due for a rollover.  I believe that I could avoid the 10% penalty in taxes due to medical bills creating a hardship that will qualify under tax rules, etc.

My questions are:

1.  How much weight could I plan on losing with the DS over the next year, with my current weight of 230, as a revision?

2.  Is the $33,000 cost worth it -- realizing this is strictly a personal opinion question?

3.  Due to WLS exclusion in current medical insurance any possible 'complications' from revion would also not be covered -- is the risk worth it?

4.  I have a four hour commute to work each day with no toilet access -- two hours each way -- would the change in bowel movements and gas be horrific?

5.  Lastly, how long would I have to take off from work for recovery -- my job does not continue salary during times of disability, etc.....except for minimum state mandated payout....

I need to make a decision fairly quickly -- any and all opinions, comments and experiences welcomed!

1/5/04 - I BENT OVER! Just had to share. I bowl regularly in a league on Sunday nights -- well, last night as I stood up to bowl, I noticed that my shoelace was untied. Without thinking, I just bent over from the waist and tied them. In the next instant, I realized how strange and unusual that felt. 114 pounds ago, I would have had to return to the seats, put my leg up on the seat besides me, bend my leg towards me to tie the shoe. I never could have bent over or even squatted down to my shoe! How silly to get excited over this simple task, but I was -- I then bowled a good game of 186 to celebrate even more -- I was thrilled!

1/15/04 -- OK, I'm supposed to leave for AMOS get together in Vegas today, but with all this snow, I hope my flight takes off and there are no problems. I'm down to 219 this week (117 pounds gone) and wearing a size 16W easily. Will post again when I get back.

1/21/04 -- Back from Vegas -- it was great fun and although the AMOS group was smaller than expected, everyone (Lee Anne, Tony, Andrea, Deanna) was very easy to get along with and amicable. Highlights of my trip in order -- not having to ask for a seatbelt extension on the plane; not having to raise the armrest so I wouldn't be squished; having the seat tray be able to extend all the way down flat without laying on my chest, belly or thighs!; dinner at a Hawaiian Fusion food restaurant (sea bass was delicious); spending Friday morning hiking Red Rock Canyon with my sister-in-law, Eileen (and getting to know her much better); shopping at outlet mall and actually able to buy good leather belts that fit; meeting Lee Anne, Tony and Andrea; riding the New York, New York roller coaster without worrying if I was going to fit; going to the Cirque du Soleil show "O"; being able to walk almost the entire "Strip" on Saturday; drinking with Eileen and Carmel (my niece) and me dancing Saturday night.

I didn't lose too much money; enjoyed a show, and the company -- while not a blast, it was generally both a very relaxing, but invigorating weekend getaway. I'm proud of myself for going alone, even with the guilt of leaving Chuck behind. Our son, Jeff took good care of him while I was gone. Only negative is that I gained 2 pounds while I was away, and have to get that off fast!

2/1/04 - I'm down 122 pounds to 214 -- my next mini-goal is to break 200. When I do, you'll hear me scream clear across the country! Initially, breaking 200 was my only goal, but now I would like to get down to between 155-170. I think it is realistic and doable, though the weight loss has considerably slowed, it is still coming off.

I have a wedding to go to in March, so I decided to start looking for a dress -- bought a size 16 yesterday in Macy's (Misses department, not Women's!) -- a black lacy off-the-shoulder thing with 3/4 sleeves and an asymetrical hem. I feel so sexy in it that I went to Victoria's Secret (first time ever) and bought an appropriate black push-up (non-boulder-holder strapped) bra to wear with the dress. Not the most comfortable thing in the world, but it does the trick! Now I just have to find a pair of strappy high heels to wear with it. Though I have lots of dressy black shoes, they are all low heels, and my DH says I have to get high heels to do it justice! Hopefully, I won't get a nosebleed up there and tip over!!! LOL

The only thing that got me down while I was shopping is that most dressy dresses seem to be sleeveless, and the hanging skin on my arms and back make that impossible! While before I would have been satisfied with fitting in a size 16, I'm getting greedy -- now I want it to be a 12 -- and able to wear something sleeveless -- is it asking too much?

2/16/04 -- Down to 209. It is now exactly 8 months since my Lap RNY in June and time for my monthly update. Things to be grateful for since WLS and losing 127 pounds:
· No longer having Type II diabetes
· No longer having weight-based asthma
· No longer having sleep apnea, and actually being able to sleep and wake rested
· Having energy to spare!
· Having my cholesterol drop over 100 points
· Being within spitting distance of breaking the 200-pound mark – somewhere I haven’t been for over 25 years!
· The thrill of shopping for clothes, and being almost able to wear “normal” sizes.
· Being able to cross my legs under my desk
· Being able to fit in a coach airline seat with no seatbelt extension or having to raise the armrest.
· Being able to walk easily without concern
· Being able to speak without panting and breathing heavy (unless I want to)!
· Feeling both physically and emotionally stronger to better able me to care for my DH who’s ill
· Wanting to ”strut” at times
· Being able to pass on my too big clothes to worthy people and causes without worrying if I’ll ever need them again
· Thankful for my local support group, and thankful for the AMOS friends I’ve made on this site.

3/11/04 -- Is it for Real? I'm talking about the number on my scale. It is saying 199! I haven't seen that number 1 to start my weight in over 27 years!!!!!! Is it true? It means that I lost 5 pounds this week alone -- of course, the fact that I am home sick has contributed to the fact that I'm not eating normally the last couple of days, but will it be real tomorrow too? A total loss of 137 pounds to date -- Wow!

My husband's siblings are arriving tonight from California and Nevada respectively, as I am throwing a party this weekend to celebrate family and friends. For those of you that know that my wonderful DH of 27 years is terminally ill and only has a very short time left, the party is actually an excuse to get family and friends together to be with him one last time before he is too weak to socialize. Of course, I want everyone to have a good time and enjoy, but is it selfish to me to want to show off my new body too?

3/20/04 -- OK, I guess it wasn't for real after all! I weighed in at the Dr yesterday for my 9-month check up and again today at Curves to be measured and both scales said 203! I knew it was too good to be true -- to be under 200! I know it is only a number, but I so wanted it to be true. I think a lot had to do with the fact that I have been sick for the last two weeks and was unable to work, or excerise like I am used to doing. Although I was eating the same as always, the lack of exercise brought back a few pounds or didn't keep them off! So this month there was only a loss of 6 pounds, but I did manage to lose another 7.5 inches! So total pounds loss to date is 133 -- I will make it under 200 next month -- I promise!!!!!

4/20/04 -- It has been a whole month since I updated, and it has been a rough one. My husband has only been given 4-6 weeks left to live, before he loses his battle with Cancer. I am caring for him at home, and juggling work too, which is getting more and more difficult. Although I have continued to lose weight, it has been much more difficult and slower lately between stress eating, normal plateauing, and less exercise. I am now down to 196 pounds -- reaching my goal of being below 200, and a total loss of 140 pounds! I need to keep strong -- both for myself and my family during this time.

5/16/04 -- Another tough month -- I am nearing the end of my journey with my beloved husband -- he is deteriorating very quickly now, and it has become too hard for both me and my son to care for him at home. I realize that for the last few weeks of his life, I will have to put him into the hospital. Although I know this is not what he would have wanted, both my kids and I are exhausted both physically and emotionally, and are near our breaking point. The cancer has moved to his brain, and he is unable to communicate verbally or make much sense at all. I'm not sure that he can even understand what I am saying to him even though he is clearly awake, but unresponsive. It's almost as if my husband is already gone, even though his body is still here. I think it will be best in the long run, but I can't help but feel guilty about it. In any case, I will make the final decision later today. Keep us in your prayers -- we need it!

As for my weight, I have lost another 8 pounds for a total of 148 -- down to 188#s. However, I have definately resorted to all bad habits, stress eating the wrong things just to put something in my mouth! Have to get that under control again....
Also, my photo has been updated, although the mid-progress ones seem to have fallen off my profile!

5/18/04 -- Well, it happened at 8:55am this morning. My beloved husband, Chuck, of 27 years passed away this morning. Even though I knew it was coming within the next few weeks, it still hit me hard and as a surprise. Worst of all, I wasn't with him when the end came, which is something I wanted to do. In any case, I've been told that he went calmly in his sleep shortly after I checked on him this morning. He's finally out of pain -- it had gotten so bad at the end, that I am relieved that he is no longer suffering. But when I think about a life ahead without him, I get so sad and angry too -- we spent our entire relationship laughing -- he was always such a hoot to be around. In our entire marriage, we NEVER had a major fight - sure we bickered, but never about anything serious, and we never stayed angry for more than a couple of hours. I can't imagine not having him to laugh with! I loved him so....

5/24/04 -- Thank you for the multitude of e-mails and postings that I received from many of you expressing your sympathy, prayers and support on the death of my beloved husband, Chuck. They are all very much appreciated.

The service on Friday worked out well -- with Chuck and I being so unconventional, and Chuck being such an avid golfer, I thought it appropriate to lay him out in his golf clothes, complete with his cleats and his golf clubs nearby. It was what he would have wanted - being surrounded by his family and his golf clubs - the things most important to him!

Additionally, a DVD memorializing some of his life's special moments was made, and can be viewed online at www.mem.com. Just plug in his last name (Ryan) and select him from the list. If you wish to view it, choose Slide Show instead of Play Movie -- it's quicker.

He is being cremated today, with a burial of most of the cremains early next week at the VA cemetary with a military honors flag ceremony. The remaining ashes will be sprinkled at sea later this summer, while hosting a few drinks in Chuck's memory! Chuck loved a good party, and would have hated anything too morbid.

Unfortunately, everyone who visited me last week seemed to be concerned that I wasn't eating properly and fed me! I gained 3 pounds!

In any case, I know the next few months will be tough for me adjusting to life without him, but I thank you for your continued support and prayers. I am back to work today and trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one day at a time.

6/3/04 -- Hi guys -- I need an intervention from my fellow WLS'ers. Anybody care enough to give me a much needed kick in the ass!

As many of you know, my beloved DH, Chuck, passed away two weeks ago - and in my grief and trying to cope since then, I have fallen back into many of my old bad stress-eating habits -- munching throughout the day -- eating without thinking, eating too late in the night, etc., etc., etc..

With my one-year anniversary coming up fast, I had hoped to continue to lose weight -- but in the last three weeks, I've gained 3 pounds and been unable to take it off again -- keep going up and down on the same 3-4 pounds. I'm having a difficult time getting back on track.

Help me before I fall off the wagon completely -- I beg you!!!!

6/18/04 -- OK, my one-year re-birthday was two days ago and today was my check-up with the Dr. Bloodwork is all good -- a little high on the bad cholesterol, but overall cholesterol is under 200, so not terrible. My weight is holding steady at about 186 -- I have been up and down 5 pounds since Chuck (my beloved DH) died, getting as low as 185.5, then bouncing back up to 190. I had hoped to be at 175 by this time, but under the circumstances, I don't think I'm doing badly -- losing 150 pounds in one year! Definately couldn't have done that before WLS. I am eating more, averaging 1500-1800 calories a day -- too high. Need to get it down to between 1200-1500 again. Mostly stress eating in the evenings when I'm home alone. Also, I had been keeping my carbs below 75 before and now it's over 100 most days. Got to get that under control again. I haven't come this far just to sabotage myself.

6/21/04 -- I got a new short haircut on Saturday -- needed a change for many reasons. Haven't had short hair in over 20 years! So far, I like it and have gotten compliments. Looking forward to the NYC OH event on Saturday -- have made hotel reservations in the city so I don't have to commute and will get together with TT and hopefully meet other people too! Need the distractions!

6/28/04 -- Weekend was fine -- not enough people attended the NYC OH event and I was disappointed in that, but Tony and I hung out on Sunday and that was fun. Went to the Gay Pride parade (lots of men in g-strings!), saw two shows -- Little Shop of Horrors and Chicago. I was glad for the company and his friendship.

7/6/04 -- Finally, lost two more pounds and down to 184. Have been up and down with the same five pounds since the week after Chuck died. Am definately eating more calories and more carbs which has something to do with it. However, if I had an absolutely good day in the past, it would get me back on track. Now, a good day or two isn't enough and I have to work that much harder to stay on track.

7/19/04 -- It was a reflective weekend for me -- both good and bad, so I thought I would take this opportunity to try and put my thoughts down.

Friday was exactly 13 months since my RNY -- I started out at 336# and now weigh 180# -- a loss of 156# -- diabetes, sleep apnea, asthma and cholesterol all under control.

I have so much excess skin that I want to go the PS route; however, there are no rashes to document and I can't afford to self-pay, so I believe I will have to postpone this wish to complete my body for now.

Sunday was exactly 2 months since Chuck died -- I'm doing ok most of the time, but there are times when I lose it. I have been trying to keep real busy physically - Curves, walking, belly-dancing lessons and shopping! When I'm moving I feel the loss less. However, during nights and weekends during the quiet times it gets tough. And true to past history, those are the times I reach for food -- (it's true when they say our stomache is fixed, but our heads are not!). I find myself eating when I'm not hungry or snacking too much. Carbs are definately a problem, but lately I have been trying to reach for protein rather than carbs -- sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

My capacity for food has definately increased -- Although I try to keep my calorie count about 1500 per day and my carbs under 75, there definately are days when the carbs are over 150 and the calories are a bit over 2000 -- not a good sign. Even when eating cottage cheese, I have been known to be able to eat 12-16 ounces within a half hour. My Dr said my pouch should be between 8-10 ounces now, but I still think I can eat more than I should. I can usually finish a normal restaurant portion if I don't eat the appetizer and salad, etc. I fear that I will be one of those people who are initially successful, then gain all the weight back once several years post-op.

On the other hand, the loss of my spouse also means a signficant loss in income; I shouldn't be shopping -- however, being able to slip into a size 12 pants is so exciting and I have always been a clothes horse! I keep my individual price purchases within reason, but am definately buying too many things, which is going to hurt when the bills come in. Again, another sign of my compulsive behavior.

Most of my friends are couples, and they seem reluctant to continue to include me in couple-type events or what to say to me. What should I do to try and meet more singles, so I have friends to hang with during the lonely times?

8/4/04 -- Down to 177 pounds (total loss of 159# to date) as of today. Leaving tomorrow to fly to Norfolk to see Faith, and drive back to NJ with her so that we can sprinkle Chuck's ashes out-at-sea on Saturday. This will be the last official memorial-type service for him. I miss him so much!!!!

I'm getting a bit more agressive in trying to put myself "out there" - I so don't want to be spending so much time alone. That's when I munch out of control and feel sorry for myself. Want to meet new people, want to date again, not so much for a relationship, but for fun, to keep busy. At my age, how do I do that? Just pondering the mysteries of life!!!!

8/9/04 -- Saturday turned out to be a good day. Our goal was to sprinkle the last of Chuck's ashes at sea. My friends Dale and Amy graciously offered the use of their 35 foot boat. We left Ortley Beach about 3:30pm and sailed (beautiful weather) south into Barnegat Bay where we picked up my friend Rick (he had been out fishing with another friend) right out of the bay -- he jumped from one boat to the other. There was a total of 12 of us, including Faith, Jeff, Shannon, Ivan and my Dad. We then continued past the Barnegat lighthouse out into the ocean -- we went about 10 miles out into the open ocean. Dale wanted to go that far out so that we could get into the "shipping lanes" so Chuck could travel all the way to Bermuda! We raised a toast to Chuck, and said a few words in Chuck's memory and then I sprinkled the ashes into the Ocean, and everyone threw a flower in too. Then Faith used her pitching arm to toss the urn out as far as possible. It was a bittersweet time, but I really think Chuck would have enjoyed and appreciated the moment.

We then turned around and boated to Forked River where we docked at "Southwinds", a popular seafood restaurant -- we ate outside listening to a live jazz band (Chuck's favorite type of music). At nightfall, we got back in the boat for the return trip home, and got an extra treat since it turned out to be the night for the "Parade of Lights" - an annual event on the Forked River where about 40 boats decorated themselves with lights and different themes -- we got to pass each one close up and enjoyed it and cheered them all on. The best boat was one decorated as the van the "Mystery Machine" from Scooby Doo, complete with Scooby's head out of the top -- it actually looked like a van driving on water! We had the music blasting on the way back and some of us tried keeping our footing as we danced on deck -- everyone had a good time.

8/20/04 -- Still playing with the same three damn pounds -- go down to 175.5 and back up to 178 and down to 176 and up to 177 and on and on and on.

On another topic, yesterday they held an evacuation drill at my office building and I had to walk down from the 36th floor to the Concourse level (72 flights of stairs)! Well, not only did I make it in only ten minutes, but it proved to be no problem at all. I certainly couldn't have done that a year ago! Following the down the stairs trip, I walked another mile to PA to catch the bus to go home, then did a workout at Curves. Expected to be a bit sore this morning, but nothing! Like I had done nothing different or special. Wow - is this what it feels like to be normal?

8/26/04 -- I feel like I am whining and feeling sorry for myself today, but I am! I have been playing with the same three pounds up and down now for 5-6 weeks -- not a true plateau I know, but still frustrating just the same.

Also, feeling sorry for myself on the death of my DH - normal too, I know. Friday night I went to a club with my brother and sister-in-law and some of their friends - not people I usually hang with, but they were trying to "fill up my night." Well, I didn't realize that the band (which was very good) would only play 50's music -- something I usually like, but also something that my husband would have loved. We were the type that would be the first to hit the dance floor and the last to leave! In any case, watching all the couples dancing made me feel even more alone than I would have being home by myself, and I just lost it! Couldn't stop crying, got embarrassed - not one of my prouder moments!

Although this is only a week later, I found that I have been very bitter this week, add to that my frustrations with the weight and the fact that I have been unsuccessful in upping my exercise and reducing my calories (eating upwards of 1500 a day). I decided I needed a kick in the a$$ from my AMOS buddies -- give me some words of wisdom so I can refocus. Please?

9/5/04 -- I have been working so hard this past week to stay on track -- couple of slip-ups, but a good effort. I guess it paid off -- yesterday I got on the scale and saw 169.50!!!! Yeah - I broke 170, another mini-goal passed....Today I get to pack for my three-day trip to Atlantic City with a fellow WLS buddy. Going for a spa day and hopefully a winning spin at the slots!

9/13/04 -- FLASH NEWS!!!!! Well -- I have lost exactly half of my starting weight -- I have now lost 168 pounds and weigh 168 pounds. When I started this journey, I would have been satisfied getting down to 200, much less breaking it -- I feel awesome.

As hard as it has been, it has also been much easier than I expected it to be. So - to get to a weight of 150 is the next goal I hope to reach by the end of the year, and then plastics next year (saving my pennies!).

Thank you all my AMOS and WLS buddies (you know who you are!) - your support throughout this ride had helped me more than you can ever know!

9/20/04 -- Well, I have made a decision. I will be pursuing having plastic surgery with Dr. Capella in Ramsey, NJ -- I had consults with two other Drs also, but once I met Capella, I knew he was the one! Although he is not in my insurance plan, he is willing to submit my documentation from my PCP to the insurance and hope it works out -- if it doesn't work, I will bite the bullet and be self-pay -- I'll take out a second mortgage if necessary. I am tentatively scheduled for a Lower Body Lift in Hackensack Hospital on Monday, January 24th. I need to finalize everything by mid-November.

Also, as of yesterday, I was 165 -- only 15 more pounds to my personal goal of 150 (my docs goal is 155).

9/21/04 -- Weighed 163 this morning - 2 pounds in 2 days! Wow, that is like the beginning -- can I be going thru a new "wave" of weight loss? Won't that be great -- Perhaps I can get to goal faster than I thought....

10/16/04 -- It is my 16 month anniversary. Weight loss has significantly slowed down and I often find that during any given month, I can go up and down as much as 5 pounds or more. Feel "normal" though - whatever that means.

10/20/04 -- I've had several dates in the last month. All "nice" guys-have gone out three or four times with each before I "move" on. With the exception of one, nobody that interests me enough to pursue. And, of course, the one I was interested in wasn't interested in me enough. Some things never change.

10/25/04 -- Met two new guys this weekend on "blind" dates. One interests me. However, he seems to have a weight phobia though - I didn't tell him about my WLS, but if I see him again, I definately will. Don't want to get interested if he can't handle it. After all, I may be smaller, but I'm still the same person I have always been!

11/8/04 -- Just returned from the OH DC get together. While the seminar itself was very disappointing, the opportunity to meet many people from the site, some of whom have been very supportive of me over the past year, was absolutely incredible! Old acquaintances renewed with Tony T and Tony G who I met in NY earlier this year. I also got to meet Monica, Val, Betty, Wendy, Charlie C, Suzie, Lynda M and Track who I've corresponded with in the past. Met some new people from one of the other OH special "community" boards, Gina, Kari, David, Rick, Di Nore, Kim and Leigh Ann. Went out Sat nite to a gay club and saw a "drag" show with Di Nore and Lynda M -- what a hoot!

11/21/04 -- Today is my birthday and I'm "younger" and skinnier than I have been in years and it feels soooo good! It has been a great birthday weekend so far - spent Friday with a couple of friends in Atlantic City having a spa day getting pampered -- actually left the casino up $110 too! That's unusual in itself. Saturday I went shopping and bought myself a bunch of size 8 new clothes - some really sexy tight pants and low cut tops - since I feel the need to "strut." Then last night, had dinner with about 10 friends, then went dancing with other friends, left about 1:30am and went to my new guy's house for the night. Spent this morning visiting my parents and will be going out again tonight! Just felt the need to share all these good feelings I'm having today!

12/1/04 -- I can't believe it is December already, and my 18-month "WLS honeymoon" is only two weeks away. I am still 9 pounds from my personal goal of 150 and 4 pounds from my Dr's goal of 155, and though I wish I were already at goal, all-in-all I am totally satisfied with my progress. I have lost a total of 177 pounds and 121 inches since June 2003! Incredible - I never would have believed it possible!

I am currently scheduled for a lower body lift with Dr. Joseph Capella for 1/24/05, and am also planning on pursuing a face lift, breast lift w/augmentation, brachiaplasty and medial thigh lift -- all of which I hope to get done during 2005. I probably won't use Cappella for all of those procedures simply because of the distance from my home to his office, but I do think he is the best PS to use for the LBL due to his experience with bariatric patients.

On a personal note, although I still miss Chuck, I started dating a couple of months ago and have met some nice guys. One, in particular, I have kept seeing and am currently pursuing a relationship with. It seems to be going well, but I am trying to take it one-day-at-a-time. He has been honest in the fact that my excess skin turns him off, but has been supportive of me in general and my plans for plastic surgery. I have told him that I am "a work in progress" and "worth the wait." We'll see. In the meantime, I'm having fun!

12/11/04 -- Had my 18 month check-up with my surgeon yesterday and she was very pleased with my progress - wants me to up my B-12 and protein a bit, but everything is within normal ranges on my bloodwork. I am now at 156 and although still a very short way from my "goal" - I have lost a total of 180 pounds in 18 months! She thinks that because I have never seriously plateaued for a very long time to date, that I may have another 6 months of losing small amounts of weight ahead of me. It would be nice if she were right, but even if I never lost another ounce, I would be satisfied!

12/17/04 -- Met with Dr Rosen today to book surgery for breast lift/augementation and brachioplasy for April 2005. Also discussed the possibility of doing eyes and face/neck lift in the time between my LBL with Dr Capella in January and the breast lift in April. He is willing to do it, but wants to break up the procedures into two separate ones to minimze the amount of time I am under anethesia and so that the procedures can be done in his office, rather than the hospital. I am willing and am waiting to hear back from his nurse to see how I can schedule this and what the actual prices will be. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this all falls within the price range that I have managed to save up for PS. I'm still waiting to hear back from Aetna about whether they are going to approve the abdomniplasty portion of my LBL.

12/20/04 -- Just back from a wondeful weekend in the Poconos (cabin w/fireplace on a lake) with my boyfriend (that sounds so weird at my age). We hadn't had the opportunity before this to spend so much uninterrupted time together and it was great. I really feel like we got much closer and are on the same page. I'm looking forward to our next "road trip."

3/15/03 - I am a 46-year old married lady for 25 years to a great guy. I have two grown children, a 24-year old son (still living at home) and a 21-year old daughter who is in the Navy aboard an aircraft carrier. My 3-year old grandson (my son's child) lives with us part-time. I am a native New Yorker from Brooklyn who has been living in New Jersey for the last ten years (Toms River, NJ)! Would love to hear from local WLS'ers in my area. I weigh 336 and am 5' 5". I still work in NYC and commute 2 hours in each direction every day!

6/11/03 - OK, everything is set and ready. Only five more days to go -- finished pre-op testing at the hospital and met Dr. Coppa, the second surgeon on the team. I liked him a lot -- much more personality that McMullen. He said that they will definately take out my gall bladder at the same time as the RNY as I already have gallstones. He thinks that my scar tissue from two cesearans and a hysterectomy may present a problem for LAP, and may need to switch to Open, but won't know for sure till he gets a look inside. Well - here's hoping for the best. I'll post again after surgery....

6/22/03 - Released from the hospital yesterday - they were able to do the surgery Lap -- have six holes -- I'm home, feeling a bit run down - will post more when I have more energy!


My beloved husband and me on our 25th Wedding Anniversary before Surgery

6/24/03 - First official weigh-in since surgery - 319 - That is 16 lbs gone forever in one week! Had my drain tube removed and given the thumbs up to drive if I don't take any pain medication. I really haven't been taking the pain pills except at night to sleep.

7/1/03 - down another 9 #s to 310. Got scolded today by nutritionist in Drs office for rushing the solid foods. Will go back to being a good girl!

7/7/03 - down another 4#s to 306. Having trouble getting all the water in - made a thoughtless mistake yesterday and lifted my 54# dog that got out of the yard -- hurting a bit today. Stupid!

7/15/03 - Had my official one month weigh-in at the Dr's office today -- weighed in at 301. That is a loss of 35#s in one month. Feels good.

7/25/03 - I have been fluctuating between 294 and 297 for the last week -- extremely frustrated. I have been eating less than 1000 calories per day. I do know that I haven't been getting in all my water and wonder if that alone can make the difference. I'm also eating some carbs (in the form of tortillas), but I didn't think it was enough to do damage. Three days ago, I starting exercising every day -- I'm determined to do that for at least one week and see if it helps get me jump started again. I did a bit better with water today - gonna keep trying, but I need to see some more progress again soon!

8/5/03 - Although I'm not due back to work till 8/18 (thanks Doc for granting me so much time off (9 weeks)), I went into the office yesterday from 7:30-4. Those in the office that care about me were very complimentary and said that my 47 pound weight loss was noticeable. I myself can't see it when I look in the mirror, but definately notice it in my clothes. Then I went and got a haircut and perm. By the time I got home at 8:30pm I was exhausted! Then today I got on the scale and had lost another pound -- Great ! Total loss to date 48 pounds -- Hooray!

8/16/03 - Today I am exactly two months post op and down 52.5 pounds (283.5). Although I would like it to be more, I am mostly satisfied. Monday, I return to work full-time and although part of me is looking forward to having something to focus on, the stress of the job along with the recent layoffs are making me dread it. The employee morale in the office is so depressing, and I've gotten a phone call from the office almost every day since I am out of the hospital - Oh well - life marches on! I joined Curves on 7/23 and have been exercising most every day -- something I'll miss when I go back to work and will have to cut down to three times a week.

8/22/03 - Today I got measured at Curves for the first time since I joined. In the month since 7/23, I lost 11.5 pounds and 14.25 inches. Yes! Next update will be on 9/16 after I weigh in at my surgeon's for my 3-month follow-up.

9/1/03 - Although I hadn't meant to post till after my 3-month follow up, I got on the scale today and found that I had passed my next "mini-goal" of 275 and am now at 274. That is a total of 62 pounds in 11 weeks, an average of 5.6 pounds per week. I hope I can keep this pace up, but I know that is unrealistic.

9/25/03 - Just an update to say that I weighed 265 this morning - a total loss of 71 pounds since surgery. I also got measured at Curves for the 2nd time this week and have lost another 11 inches this month. I'm wearing a comfortable size 22 in pants and an 18/20 in tops! Yeah!

9/30/03 - I just need to vent a bit, and since I can't do it thru food anymore by stuffing myself, I thought I would use this forum. Although I've posted from time to time, I tend to be more of a lurker. Sorry if this is too long! Anyway, as for feeling sorry for myself -- I have been dealing for the last month with the knowledge that my husband is not going to beat the cancer he has been fighting since 1997! The Drs are now saying that anything over six months will be a "gift." Well-every day of the last 26 years with my wonderful DH has been a gift! I know in my head that I have to deal with this, but my heart isn't there. How do I deal with this? How do I be strong for him and my kids, and still keep myself together? I pursued WLS surgery earlier this year relentlessly in an effort to save my own life and ensure I had a future, knowing that after my DH was gone, I would be in no emotional shape to start this journey and fight for myself. This surgery has been a blessing and been unbelievely easy for me (one of the lucky ones), and although I have a long way to go yet, this journey so far has been a positive experience which I have focused on despite the other very negative things going on in my life. In the past, I've gotten support from some of the wonderful people I've worked with. Well, our little company was bought by a big bank, many of my colleagues were "made redundant" (what a term), and now this month, I have been transferred to a new location, reporting to a new boss and I am so unhappy here. I can't afford to sacrifice the salary and the benefits in view of my husband's illness to go looking for a new job (I'm the sole bread winner in the family now), and have to hang on for as long as possible. It's depressing! Now, for the first time in my WLS journey, I feel like I am starting to sabotage myself and the one positive thing happening in my life. For the last two nights, I have eaten almost a whole (large) chocolate muffin each night! Leftover from weekend guests. Too many calories, too many carbs - no dumping to police my actions! I'm not getting enough of my water in, starting to forget to take all my vitamins and eating too many carbs in general. Of course, my weight loss has slowed as a result. Once again, I am a smart intelligent woman! I know what I have to do, yet I can't seem to snap myself into appropriate action. This is, of course, the same way I gained all the weight in the first place!

10/6/03 - Another weight and clothes update. As of this morning I am 260, a total of 76 pounds gone. I also finished going thru both of my closets this weekend, and have weeded out what is entirely too big now! Have sent out a total of 21 boxes of clothes so far to charity and people from AMOS. Makes me feel good to help others. I now have to re-sort the remaining clothes by sizes rather than types so that I can wear the bigger stuff first -- maybe only once or twice more before they go off to another worthy owner! I still have to work hard to get enough water in, and remind myself to take all my vitamins and such. Am thinking about trying the Vista Vitamins so I only have to think about it twice a day - they're awfully expensive though, but I'm worth it!

10/16/03 - Just a quick update. I am exactly four months post op today -- weighed in at 256 this morning for a total of 80 pounds lost. Hoping to make it an even 100 by the end of the year, but they may be wishful thinking! Still having trouble getting in all my water - doing better with my vitamins and keeping the carb level low. Also doing better with the exercise - one positive (maybe) aspect of my new office location is that I have to walk a mile from Port Authority in NYC to get to it, so that makes two miles a day I'm walking, as well as my frequent (4x week) visits to Curves! It's official now - nothing that I wore prior to surgery fits. Everything has either been donated, given to others on their own WLS journey or trashed. For the first time that I can remember, you can see "space" between the clothes hanging in my closet. I have to curb the urge to fill it up!

10/17/03 - It's official - I've been in denial about it for two weeks now, but can't deny it anymore. I'm losing my hair! It's coming out in clumps when I wash it and every time I put a brush or comb thru my hair, I have to clean out a handful of hair. I know this is only temporary, but how long does it last? Will it get to bad you can see my scalp? Any helpful suggestions or reassurance is helpful. My husband teased me about it this morning - said it was only fair since he is losing his hair due to the chemotherapy he is going thru, that I should lose mine too! I teased back saying that mine would grow back on my head, but his would only grow back in his ears and nose, since there is not a whole lot on his head anyway! LOL.

11/1/03 - I had to post that I just passed my next mini-goal and have broken 250! I am now at 249 (87 pounds gone!).

11/3/03 - I can't help it, I'm happy today. Got on the scale this morning to find out that I lost 6 pounds this week! Bringing my total to 90 pounds lost since 6/16 - I am now 246. That means that my joining the Century Club is within spitting distance -- my goal will be to get there by my birthday on November 21st!

11/16/03 - Today I am exactly 5 months post-op and I have lost 97 pounds to 239! I want to make it 100 by Friday which is my 47th birthday! I'm going to work extra hard this week to keep those devil-delicious carbs away from my mouth and go to Curves a few extra times! I think joining the Century Club will be a wonderful birthday present.

11/20/03 - I started this part of my WLS journey in June with a BMI of 55.7 (Super Obese), gradually made my way to Morbidly Obese, and have now reached a BMI of 39.4 (Severely Obese). I have lost a total of 99½ pounds and am now weigh 236.5. I am only ½ pound of joining the Century Club – and when I do; I’m going to give myself a standing ovation! I started wearing a size 30/32 and am now down to a size 18! I haven’t been in a teen size since I myself was a teenager (and that was a long time ago)! Even when I was near a similar weight about ten years ago, I was in a larger size, which goes to show that all the walking and exercising at Curves I am doing is paying off with the loss of inches. Last time I measured I had lost a total of 50 plus inches, and I will be getting measured again this weekend, and expect that number to increase.

I follow the MB daily, and when I read about people’s struggles to get insurance approval, incredibly long waits for a surgery date, failure of getting support from their own families or post-op complications, I sometimes feel terribly guilty. Then, I realize just how incredibly lucky I am.

I researched WLS for several months, and armed with information I obtained from this website, I got all my documentation in order, got my medical testing done quickly, and was able to get insurance approval on the first try. I had my first surgeon consult on April 1 and had surgery on June 16th. After an initial struggle with my husband accepting my decision to go ahead with WLS, he came through with flying colors and has been a great support and is very proud of me. My parents, children, other family and even my colleagues have been nothing but supportive and encouraging. My co-workers call me “the incredible shrinking woman” and I love it! I have only heard one negative opinion on my decision, and it wasn’t worth a second thought!

The recovery from lap surgery was easier and less painful than either of my cesareans, and I don’t dump! I can eat pretty much anything I want, just smaller quantities. At first this scared me, because I was afraid I’d overdo, but I have managed to offset the days that I may have a few more carbs than I should by upping my protein the next day. Also, since I can have a taste of anything, I don’t feel deprived – I even managed to only eat one small mini-bar during Halloween week, and I didn’t miss the candy fix – that was a powerful feeling!

Finally, I want to thank you my Amos buddies – this board is an incredible support system, and I find I need my OH fix every day! I have been fortunate to get to know some wonderful people on this site, and hopefully will meet them in person one day (Las Vegas in January will accomplish some of that!).

Lastly, for those of you who know about my husband’s illness, thank you for your incredible support and prayers, and even a kick in the ass when I needed it! Ouch!

Also, when I realize how close I am to losing my DH of 27 years, in addition to being saddened, I also realize again how incredibly lucky I have been – to have this man in my life, as my partner, someone who has always made me feel loved and treasured and above all – someone whom to this day (even how sick he is) makes me LAUGH!

I guess I’ve posted this because I just feel so grateful today – for my life so far, my family and friends and to WLS for giving me a future to look forward to! Love and Hugs to all wherever you may be on your journey…….

11/21/03 - I DID IT -- Down 100 pounds as of this morning to 236! Whoopi!!!!

12/1/03 - I make it thru Thanksgiving dinner just fine -- had 21 guests, cooked all by myself, everything went great -- even managed to taste a bite of most things with no problem -- even lost a pound when I weighed in on Friday. But now my problems start -- the Thanksgiving leftovers are killing me -- my guests brought a huge box of Italian patries, and though I sent guests home with doggy bags, some remain. I don't dump, so I have had a cannoli (or two or three!). Can't throw them out cause the rest of my family is enjoying and don't want to deprive them. I've gained two pounds since Friday -- Ack! I'm getting back on the horse and the program today -- should be a bit easier since I'm back at work and out of reach of the leftovers!

12/12/03 - I had my 6 month follow up with the Dr today -- down to 231 -- she was very pleased with my progress and my bloodwork overall, but she wants me to up my protein and my iron, as well as work on minimizing the "bad fat." She also gave me a "goal weight" of 155 which is less than I thought it would be, but not unrealistic. I would be happy at 170, but we'll try for 155.

12/23/03 - Just an update -- down 111 pounds today, making my next mini-goal to break 225. Had to return several brand-new size 18 pants to the store this past weekend, as they just are a bit too baggy already. Was able to replace them in a size 16 which feels so good. I am able to buy "some" items (depending on make and cut) in the Misses size, rather than Plus size for the first time that I can remember.

Had to rush to hospital last Thursday evening when my DH was taken to the ER - after three blood transfusions and other tests, he was stabalized enough to be released last night so that he can be home for the holidays. Since it will be his last Christmas on Earth (I'm being realistic), I want to ensure that it is both a happy and memorable holiday for the entire family. Having my daughter home for two weeks on leave from the Navy is icing on the cake. My son is having a tough time with his own responsibilities lately, but he has been such a great help in taking care of his father during recent weeks, and stepped up to the plate in getting his Dad to the hospital and the proper care since I was so far away (at work 2 hrs away)when it was needed. Although I've told him, I hope he knows how much I love him and appreciate his help. Merry Christmas to all!

12/26/03 - My daughter who is away in the Navy wrote this poem for her Dad and I and presented it to us (framed) while she was home for Christmas. This is the kid who I thought ignored everything I said and couldn't wait to leave home! Obviously, I am very proud of her and I was bawling like a baby when I read it. I just wanted to share!

Best Friends -- By Faith Ryan

Friend is a word
That is commonly misused
I know the true meaning
Now that I am no longer confused

A friend is someone
Who will listen to you complain
Someone who will cheer you up
When you're feeling drained

A friend can tell when you're smiling
But truly hurting underneath
A friend will let you know
When you got food stuck in your teeth

When you're lost and confused
No one else is there but your friend
Even though yesterday
They were hurting and you weren't there for them

I wish I would've realized a lot sooner
How lucky I've always been
It's hard to voice emotion
So I bleed it through this pen

I hope that this poem
Will open up your eyes
To what's in my heart
Where my appreciation lies

I've always tried to conceal my feelings
Hiding behind a mask
But you could always see right through it
As if my disguise were made of glass

I love you Mom
And I love you Dad
As Jeff once said...
You're the best parents we've ever had

As friends come and go
Some memories good and some bad
I'll ALWAYS have two Best Friends
My Mom and My Dad!

Just contemplating that six years ago today, I had my RNY at a starting weight of 340.  Life sure had had its ups and downs since then in every single aspect.  Much more than I could ever had anticipated or been prepared for.

Down to a low of 153 after 20 months -- most PS done in 2005 - settled at a comfortable weight of 160-163 for a couple of years.  Remarried in June 2006 (3rd anniversary coming up). 

Started to gain weight due to grazing issues, stopping exercise due to laziness and knee pain - went back up to 215 by the end of 2008.  Started attending Weight Watcher meetings for accountability, and am now down to 190 with a goal of 160 by the end of the year.

Had knee replacement surgery three weeks ago and am looking forward to completing my recuperation so that I can get active and physcial again!
 

6/16/2008 - My 5-Year Surgiversary – Hurt and Angry!
OK – so today is the fifth anniversary of one of my life’s most momentous occasions – the day I had gastric bypass. This was the start of a roller coaster of life’s rides – incredible highs and depressing lows also.

However, today I’m feeling hurt, angry and frustrated. More than anything else, I’m angry at myself! I started this journey at 340 pounds on June 16, 2003, hit a low after 17 months at a weight of 156 – settled at 160. Although this was still ten pounds over my own personal goal, I felt and looked good. Now, here I am five years later, and I weigh just over 200 pounds again – feeling like a failure when I once thought I finally had this ‘fat’ think beat!

During that first 18 months, I really felt my pouch and thought that I was in touch with all that made this ‘tool’ work. I exercised at least four to five times per week and had a job I loved. I started a local WLS Support Group (OCWLS) that is still going strong five years later. I also buried my husband of 28 years, grieved and tried to move on, started researching my plastic surgery options, started dating and going out again, and ultimately met the man that would become my second husband! Wow – an awful lot of changes.

In the next 18 months, I completed all my plastics (lower body lift, breast lift and augmentation, medial thigh lift and face lifts). I was wearing a size 8/10, felt pretty for the first time in my life, and was living and loving life to the max. I planned my second wedding to the man that had nursed me through all my plastics, and had proved that he was a ‘keeper’ and was totally overjoyed that I had found love again – I felt like the luckiest woman in the world!

One thing that ‘the new guy’ never tried to hide from me was the fact that he had a ‘weight phobia’ – that he had never dated a heavy girl before, and we talked about this at length. I assured him that although I wished he felt differently – after all, my head and heart were the same as it was when I weighed over 300 pounds, I hadn’t gone through all that I had to gain the weight back again. I assured him that I felt that I could maintain my weight below 175 pounds for the rest of my life – and I truly believed it!

We married in June 2006 – and overall life has been full and good. We certainly have our issues, and marriage just seems a bit harder the second time around – probably because we are both ‘control freaks’ and are used to making the decisions. We have had to learn to share the wheel – and for the most part, we do real well.

So what went wrong – why have I gained 40+ pounds? I no longer ‘feel’ my pouch – my stoma has stretched – I graze entirely too much, especially at night – I stopped going to the gym and exercising on a consistent basis. I started drinking alcohol again – too many useless calories.

Now, I am intelligent – I know all these things and can’t seem to stop sabotaging myself. I have made numerous attempts to GET BACK ON TRACK – I’ve seen a psychologist (no insights there), I signed up, and went through Barbara Thompson’s Back on Track Program. I even scraped the money together (over $9,000) in order to have the experimental Stomophyx procedure to tighten my stoma back in October – well, I’m ten pounds heavier now, than when I had that procedure done!

I do well for a few days, then fall completely off the wagon – and start overeating. Now, I know that my weight gain bothers my husband – we’ve talked about it a few times, and overall he has been supportive of my efforts –

Well, yesterday he said he wanted to talk – that he was very upset with me. He said he married a beautiful, vibrant, sexy woman and though I was still all those things, every day it was obvious to him that I was still gaining more weight and that it really disturbed him. He asked if there were anything he could do to help me – well of course, there really isn’t – it’s something I have to do.

Why can’t I? Why have I become too lazy to go to the gym? Why do I just ignore that voice inside my head warning me, when I want to eat? Why?

Today, is my Surgiversary and instead of celebrating, I am angry at myself for sabotaging the gift at a second chance that RNY gave me, and hurt that my weight gain matter s so much to my husband, and can’t help but question – Does He Really Love me?

OK – I’m whining, but I have finally hit a wall – finally admitted that I have fallen down, and can’t seem to get back up….

9/6/07 -- I have been avoiding this post for some time now. Despite my intentions stated above to get a handle on my weight regain -- I have failed and am now up to 195 pounds! I no longer get a feeling of restriction and while I still cannot eat huge quantities of food at one time, within a short time of eating, I am hungry again.

I have been reading about this new procedure "Stomophyx" (a non-surgical revision to gastric bypass) that was just approved by the FDA in May of this year. It is a done endoscopically, so there is no surgery, or cutting involved. The technique uses an instrument that reduces the size of the pouch and the stoma through inserting sutures or "clips" that gather (think drawstring bag) the stoma and pouch. Only 50 of these procedures have been done in the US since approved.

I went to see the only surgeon in the Northeast (Dr Shawn Garber) doing these revisions last week (he has done 20 of the 50), and he thinks I would be an ideal candidate for this. He believes I can lose between 30-45 pounds from this procedure, as it will give me back the restrictive feeling that I no longer get. Insurance, of course is not covering as it is considered "too experimental" -- total out of pocket cost would be $9,000 of which $3,500 is the surgeon fee, and the balance is hospital, OR and anesthesia.

After meeting with Dr Garber, I had an endoscopy done which measured the size of the pouch and the stoma. It indicated that although my pouch has stretched somewhat, it is not out of normal ranges, however, my stoma was initially made larger than most RNYs, and has stretched even more, allowing food to empty from my pouch quickly, causing me increased hunger.

I have scheduled myself for the Stomophyx procedure on October 23rd at Mercy Hospital in NY.

Here is a description of the Stomophyx procedure for those that are interested:

A pediatric size endoscope (through the mouth) has a teeny pincher type ending. Imagine that it does a "grab, pull in and fasten" type of motion. A row of this pleating (aka placating or quilting) is done at the Stoma (entrance to the lower intestine where the food leaves your pouch) and closes the stoma in considerably. This will hold the food in longer . A second higher row is done to the pouch which creates a much smaller pouch; described as about 2 oz by some. This of course would limit the amount that someone could eat. So, the results are: FULL faster - FULL longer!

The results have been pretty successful across the U.S. but there are of course no long term studies. Stomaphyx was only adopted in the U.S. by the FDA in the spring and earliest patients were around June. To date, there are only TWELVE certified Bariatric surgeons who are doing Stomaphyx. I'm sure many others will follow but I know the company (EndoGastricSolutions) is limiting the training so that it doesn't get out of control. They are trying to keep the level of excellence very high! You can go to their website to get the current list of certified surgeons. http://www.endogastricsolutions.com

The fasteners are not harmful at all to our bodies as they eventually may fall off. They work like staples or sutures and hold the tissues together until it heals in that fashion. Because it is a type of pleating, it will stretch a bit to allow for solids eventually but liquids are recommended for as long as 3 weeks post-op so that pressure doesn't undo the fasteners. Stretching is not expected to occur again because the tissue has somewhat lost it's elasticity from the original weight loss surgery.

11/14/07 -- I lost 8 pounds in the first week after Stomophyx and have not lost anymore as of yet -- primarily cause I'm still taking in too many calories daily. Although I'm not feeling enormous physical hunger, the head hunger is still rampant. Goes to show once again, that despite the mechanical breakdown in my tool, my main problem is "between the ears."

11/21/07 -- Today is my 51st birthday. I have lost only 9 pounds since my Stomophyx and it is not the easy "fix" that I thought it would be. However, I must remember that this is only a tool, and even when it is not easy, I must follow the rules of the pouch and it will still work. So, I'm trying again.

Happy New Year everyone!

1/24/06 -- Just a brief update to say that I am so glad that I went to the WLS Friends Virginia Snow Ball in Richmond this past weekend. It was an absolute blast! Renewed old friendships from Vegas, DC, and NJ get togethers and made lots of new ones too! Additionally, everyone looked so beautiful in their formal wear on Saturday night -- I especially felt pretty in my black sequined halter gown -- many even said I looked "hot" -- something I hadn't been called in quite awhile! I don't want to name names because I am sure to leave someone out, but please know my WLS friends -- you are a very special family to me. Thank you for letting me share your successes with you.

2/21/06 -- Just a brief update to say that I had my final plastics revision last week. The dog ear under my left arm and the extra skin on the inside of the left breast was taken care of. Very quick and easy surgery and I was on the way back home within two hours of climbing on the OR table! Dr Capella is the best -- no charge at all for the revision.

Now, I have to really buckle down and address the last 10 pounds and get back to the gym on a regular basis!

3/28/06 -- OK, I've been "talking" about getting back to basics, and buckling down for a year now -- had the excuse of my various plastics and not being able to exercise fully at various times in the last year. Well, I have to face facts. I've gained ten pounds back from my lowest weight this past year, despite the skin that has been removed! I am grazing much too much, eating too many carbs in general, and although I still log my daily food intake on Fitday, it exceeds 2000 calories more often than I would like to admit. I was staying upbeat about it, and was still able to drop five pounds from time to time when I had a few days of being "good." That has changed too -- I can be good for several days, and only see the scale move slightly -- often less than a pound - I'm getting depressed and feel myself sliding back into old bad habits. The question is WHY -- I KNOW what I have to do, I have a goal to work towards with my wedding less than three months away, but I am still sabotaging myself on a regular basis.

5/18/06 -- Today is two years since my beloved husband, Chuck, died. Went to the cemetary with our son to spend some time. Thank you Chuck. I know you are in heaven watching out for me - I will always need you in my life in some fashion - even if only in my memories - 28 years of very good ones with lots of laughter!

6/16/06 -- Today is my 3 year WLS Anniversary or re-birthday! So many changes in my life over these last three years -- most already documented here, so I wouldn't reiterate. Never did get that last 10-15 pounds off although my wedding to Gene is next week. I'm still fluctuating between 160 and 165 pounds, knowing that if I would just get back to exercising regularly and stay away from the white carbs, I could break the cycle. However, life is good, and even if I never lost another pound I am very happy with my weight loss and progress on this incredible journey. Now, the next chapter in my life is about to begin. Love and marriage the second time around! I am a very LUCKY woman -

7/10/06 - Wow - finally back to reality after my wedding and wonderful honeymoon. The wedding day went by so fast, and despite the sun not coming out for us, the rain held off for most of the day and we were still able to have the ceremony outside. Will post wedding pictures when I get the "official" ones from the photographer.

11/21/06 -- Today is my 50th Birthday! Half a Century Old -- but, Life is good!

12/4/06 -- A familiar story, but one I have to get under control. Here goes.....I had reached my own low of 153 back in March 2005, "bounced" to 156 within a week and "settled" between 157 and 162 for most of the rest of the year and into 2006. I figured my body had reached my set-point. Then, I remarried in June 2006, and between the stress, happiness, or whatever you want to call it, along with slacking off on the gym (stopping it altogether for almost six months), being able to eat more, grazing, etc., etc., etc., I have now regained weight and jumped to 179 last week! Some pants I had been wearing don't fit any longer, and others are just plain tighter!

I had promised myself that I would NEVER go beyond 175 for the rest of my life. I didn't work this hard to let it go down the drain. So, I started last Thursday trying to go back to the basics, and account for everything I ate, think about it a bit longer when I want something, and this morning found that I have hit the 175 mark! Which proves, that this tool is still working.

I just turned 50 two weeks ago, and I am commited to finally reaching my goal of 150 by summer! I have signed up at the gym and commited to working out with a personal trainer twice per week.