Jessica M.
Im Back <3
Jan 18, 2012
Hey Everyone,It's been a long time since I have been on here. I half to admit that I fell off the face of the earth because I was very upset in myself. I was embaressed and not willing to share because I didnt want to be looked at in a bad way. I was looking at myself in those ways.
10 months I got pregnant and now I am a mother of 4. I welcomed my new baby boy on Nov 30th..... He has been a pretty good baby so far. I'm a lucky woman to have 4 healthy, happy, easy babies. He was 6lbs 14 oz which is the smallest baby I have ever had. Mine were all 8.5lbs and up. The surgery causes you to have smaller babies, which was totally ok with me....lol
I am finding now that its really affecting me. I really want to share this for those who are looking to have a baby after surgery.
Durning my pregnancy I did really good with eating. I didnt want anything sweet at all. I had a little thing for carbs but I definately made sure to watch my intake for fear of gaining to much weight. My downfall with this all is that the doctors told me that I needed to not work out and I had to leave my schooling because I had went back to Culinary school and the labor is to demanding. I was only 6 months into my surgery when I got pregnant so the amount of food I was eatting was so little and baby needs 300 calories from you. I was eating just about that and that was it. In the 10 months that I was pregnant I literally watched 100 lbs just drop off of me. I didnt work for it. It tore me up everyday knowing that I wasnt working out and working on it. Even the 6 months after surgery before I got pregnant I was working out and tehn waking up the next morning 2-3 lbs lighter everyday. I watched this weight literally just melt off of me. Now im 14 months into surgery post op and im 183 lbs and I wish with eveyrhting in me that my belly was so much smaller then it is. I go to the gym almost everyday and watch what I eat but it isnt shrinking. I know I just had a baby so my belly is swollen. But im having a very hard time because im going to the gym and weight isnt just dropping off by the next morning. I am working so hard and im not seeing any results.
Getting pregnant and haveing the surgery didnt teach me to work for it like I was supposed to. Prior to pregnancy, like I said I was working out and the results were instant. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that getting pregnant I had to push my stomach past its limit on eating to give my baby what he needed to be healthy. 14 months in surgery I eat a little more then supposed to at this point and my system has severally slowed down. Im back to normal and that kills me. The surgery was so hard for me and I worked so hard to get it and I worked hard after. Getting pregnant ruined the weight loss for me.
Now, I feel like I wanna starve myself. Even if I drop dead. All I want is to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I want to buy a pair of pants and not have a jelly role hanging over it. My arms and legs are fine, I have some hanging skin because I wasnt able to weight lift and tighten up the skin as I lost weight but my belly is still big compared to my body. I look like I did when I was 5 months pregnant. My belly is still swollen and is the biggest part on my body. I feel like im working so hard and its not going away. I half to realize and im having a very hard time realizing that my body is back to normal so results arent going to happen over night. I am very discouraged and days I really want to just give up. BUT I WILL FOREVER REFUSE TO GO BACK TO THE OLD ME.
The other day I was bathing my little one and my husband came in and I was using the toilet as a chair while leaning in and bathing my baby and he bent over and grabbed under mylegs and lifted me straight up. I have never had my husband be able to lift me before. Its moments like that, that remind me I will never go back. What ever it take, I will never give those moments up for food. Its not worth it!!!!!
After having my son, I have never craved sweets so bad in my life. I had 4 children and was up to 300lbs and I can say with full confidence that I never eve experianced cravings the way I do now that I have had my son. I dont understand why at all. In the first 2 weeks after giving birth I gave into them .I couldnt avoid it. It would keep me awake at night and it was like my body was aching for it and my mouth wouldnt salivating and my brain wouldnt think about anything else. I couldnt handle it and I gave in everytime. I gained 5lbs because of it. I slowly started to ween myself off of it. Now I am doing os much better. I have my moments of weakness whcih completely mentally tears me up inside because I am so afraid of becoming fatter.
My point is that, I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go. I half to do this all over again with slower results. This is very very hard for me. I recommend, if you can, to wait till you have fully lost everything you are going to in your surgery process and you leanr how to be normal with your new life before you get pregnant because its so difficult, physically and mentally to do it before.....
I dont have any support or help in this. My husband still trys to offer me late night pie's and candies even after I have had many conversations with him about how I need him to not do that and support me. So I come on here and I write till everything on my mind is out so that I can deal better on a daily basis. I need help and this website is my outlet....... I hate being alone....
I am having a very very hard time with this!!!! :'o(
