Jessica M.
So mad at him!
May 09, 2011
I'm 7 months out from my surgery and I have lost 80 lbs. I am incrediably proud of myself...till now!!!!I have been doing everything to prevent ny complications. I do feel I could eat better and have lost more weight by now but it is what it is and all I can doit be better. Thats something that I need to dig deep inside me again and do. I will... I need so much support. I need someone to talk to and someone to work out with. Here is my issue. Other then needing to find my strength again. I am purly upset and my husband.
John has been wanting 4 children and I keep telling him I am fine with the 3 we have. He didnt like that answer and now im knocked up. I tried everything to prevent being pregnant and I do feel he totally sabatoged me. Dont get me wrong, babies are a blessing and I will ALL my children. I didnt want this though. I was happy where I was. I was finally finding myself. This pregnancy sets me back. I am already craving things I shouldnt be eating and being pregnant makes the instense need for it. I dont think im strong enough to do this.
I cant even begin to tell how horrible it makes me feel too. I half to be watched all the time. The other day I litterally almost dropped myself and my son down the stairs because I went so weak so fast. It also makes my lungs and everything weak. I cant catch my breathe to breath. I need to sit asap and keep telling myself to take deep breathes and it finally works.
I am so upset about this. I have no one to talk to about it. Its summer and I wanted to buy a new swim suite and feel skinnier in it. I wanted to ride roller coasters because I am thin enough to not feel like I wont fit or break the ride. I wanted to swim with the dolphins.
I will love my child so please dont think that I am horriable person. I am excited to hold them and to create another bond and to do everything I can to make them have an amazing life.
I finally found me!!!! Now im stopped dead in my tracks, eating, exercize, the new me is all stopped again. Possible going back to who I was. I am terrified, weak, alone and not prepared, ready or happy as I should be.
I have a million mixed feelings between happy and sad. I'm alone damn it!!
