Joeyzgirl

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I can now say that a breakup does cause weight loss and now I want to change my username and can't. Joeyzgirl is no more and while that's ok because he was abusive and mean, he has already moved on and I am sitting here crying all the time. The jerk wouldn't let me go, he was texting her and calling her and even though I had moved out he was still texting me and calling me babe and honey and telling me he loved me. I don't doubt that, we both love each other because of Brooklyn and 4 years of life together. But he wouldn't leave me alone, I finally told him Tuesday that he CANNOT text me anymore, that I can't do this, so instead of two weeks of being broken up, it feels like only days. I am trying not to check my phone constantly, even though he has respected my wishes so far.
I have had so much happen lately, and I know they say God will never give you more than you can handle, but with the death of my dad, then my grandma, moving back into my moms and then my sister breaking up with her boyfriend and following me, it seems like the change I hate so much is just bombarding me. I have a trailer that still needs to be fixed up, but I don't want to put any more money in it if I am not going to want to live in it. All I see when I go in there are his ideas and the work he did on it. It hurts me so bad. But sometimes I think what I miss is my Dish with DVR and me and Brooklyn's little habits and my computer with DSL and all that great stuff. At my mom's I am limited to one room again and just feel stifled. Its a decision I need to make soon.
Its just so frustrating to think about them together and like my sister said if I was a fly on the wall its probably nothing, not romantic at all, especially with her kids there all the time. SIGH

Thanks for all the encourragement this last month (I don't think I spelled that right). Time is passing and there is a lot going on. I still grieve my dad but not everyday like I was at first. THere is so much on my mind and it makes it hard to concentrate on myself.
I lost 8 lbs. this week and I am stoked about that. We are moving again so last time we did I lost a bunch all at once, so another big weight loss may be coming my way. Its a good move, out to the family land, although the trailer is a fixer upper and I am a little worried about that, it is livable and much cheaper.
Other than that things are moving along pretty normal. found out about a support group in my area and I would really like to try to make it. I think it will really help me stay on track and its just a good thing to connect with others like me, face to face, not just online.
My BF is working again after being fired. I am so upset at him about that, he swears it wasn't his fault, that the guy picked the fight and that he didn't fight back, but they sided with the other guy. I want to trust him, but i know his temper, but I also know how much he loved that job too, I don't think he would have sacrificed losing it. The job he has now is temporary and sort of top secret, so until June things will be ok but we have to keep the applications going.
The messed up thing is he was trying to get into trucking school and we couldn't afford it, and if the state had waited 2 more days to release him, he would have been able to draw unemployment and the state would have had to pay for the school. What do you want to bet they knew that when they picked the dates they did? Oh well its over and done with now but its sort of like a break-up, you feel bitter and resentful over it all the same.
Anywho, I better get back to work. Things are crazy here as usual. My walking buddy is gone, her husband had surgery, so for two more weeks I have to push myself to walk and that isn't working so far. But I am motivated and today is a new day and this is a new week.
Until next time...

Its been 5 days since my dad died. Five long days since we lifted him up to see if he was ok and I saw my dad in a way I never wanted to see him. My dad had heart disease and diabetes from a lifetime of smoking, drinking, and being overweight. Well after he got out of the military he put on the weight. He was one of my biggest supporters of this surgery, he wanted me to be healthy so I didn't have to go through the pain he was going through.
We thought we'd have him forever, he had already lived 6 years longer than he was supposed to. Every week he would ask me how much I had lost, how I was doing. Why didn't I sit and talk longer? Why didn't I hug him more, tell him i loved him more, pay more attention to him?
I miss him so much, my heart is breaking, it has given me new resolve to take this weight off and at the same time I am wanting to eat more and more, food was always my comfort and  I am fighting it hand and foot, but the feelings are there all the same.
This is my first death experience when it comes to a close family member. When my boyfriend's mom was murdered it was hard, but not like this, I was more hurt for him than myself.
I want to leave with these words, I can't write anything else right now, don't take anyone forgranted. Tell them EVERYDAY!!! that you love them. Never believe that they will be there tomorrow to say everything you need to say.
I titled this the way I did because when I fell apart at the funeral was when I saw my dad's watch was still ticking, he was gone but his watch still showed the time passing.

I'm 11 lbs. from my next goal, which is TWOTERVILLE!!! Even when I knew I wanted the surgery I still didn't feel this was possible. 
I am in a mens 46 waist jeans and I feel so great about that. I bought a pair of jeans from American Eagle, in the store!, no less, and I am done catalog shopping.
I am floored to weigh 310 lbs and it has fueled me to just keep going. My weight loss right now bounces back and forth between 2-3 lbs. I like to weigh every week, but that doesn't always happen, when I weighed two weeks apart I lost 5 lbs. both times, and this time one week apart I lost 3 lbs. Three lbs. a week is a great loss and I am really happy with it.
Joe's job is going really well, but we are still pretty much broke all the time. We are not good at budgeting money and unfortunately we like to spend, spend, spend. However its nice to be able to spend money without worrying over much about getting the bills paid, but I have got to get a handle on it.
Otherwise things are going pretty smoothly. Brooklyn is now 2 years old and we are going through a little of the terrible two's. She used to love going to daycare but now she is very clingy and we have some issues in the morning. I hope that as she gets used to the changes going on at her daycare, she gets dropped off in a different room, that she will get better, if not oh well, we will have rough mornings. :)
That's about it for now, just charging on toward my goal, trying to exercise more and keep that weight moving off.

Doing pretty well so far. Yesterday evening was the hardest and at work around lunchtime. I am amazed at how being back on all liquids is making me crave foods I am allowed to have again. I think this is going to be really good for me. I am very excited for my soft stage tomorrow, it feels like starting over again. It is testing me for sure. I am glad to be able to do this though and if I make it i will have an even bigger sense of accomplishment.
I bought new clothes at walmart. Most people hate walmart clothes but I am so excited to not have to special order everything I wear. I am down to a 48 men's jean and that is amazing to me. I just got 54's just before Christmas. I may not be losing pounds but I am losing inches, I just wish I would have started measuring in the beginning, but can't change that now.
Brooklyn's birthday is the 13th, I can't believe she will be 2 years old. She was following me around yesterday saying DUH! DUH Mama! One of the many things I have taught her. She is starting to talk more and I love the interactions I can have with her now.
We spent the tax refund on clothes and furniture and hope to be getting her something great for her birthday too. I bought a washing machine as well, a much needed addition to our family. :) While in the furniture store Brooklyn put her blankie down and we left it there. They were closed on Sunday and Sunday evening Brook came to me and said "Mama, blankie." It broke my heart. I got it back yesterday though and she was so happy.
If I had any advice to offer anyone who is considering surgery it would be to not get caught up in the drama of it all. Make a decision, whatever is best for you, and go for it. No matter which surgery you choose, which dr. (as long as its a good one), or even if you choose to do it without surgery, just go for it, take your life back. I am not even close to my goal but I already feel ten times better about myself. This is the best decision I have ever made. I am so grateful to God that I haven't had the complications that others have had, but even with them I would know that this choice was the right one for me. I never want to be pushing 500 lbs. and wondering how people can stand to look at me ever again. I never want to be walking through a store or work and wonder if the whispering I am hearing is about me. I never want to hear a kid say, that woman is big and fat, and feel like someone just punctured my heart. I am through with all of that. I never want to worry that I will not be able to keep up with my daughter or that she is ashamed of her mama's looks so she doesn't bring friends over. I am so grateful that I was able to do this  before Brooklyn was old enough to realize what was happening. All she will know is healthy eating and a healthy momma.
Well that's all for now. If anyone ever has a question and needs advice, a friend, or anything, just message me. I am not on here a lot but I will try to check this at least every other day. Until next time, Amanda.

I'm 5 months out and I am feeling pretty good. I bought new jeans, mens 54 and they are already getting big, which I am not sad about at all. I have so far lost 127 lbs. since surgery and 150 since I started my journey. What a difference it makes. I was a little dissapointed that I only lost two lbs. this week, but truthfully I made myself realize that at least I didn't gain.
I am comtemplating a 5 day pouch test, just to get control back and remember, and its easy to forget, that food does not control me. I am in control.
I have my good days and bad days. It seems that with food I am obsessed with one thing, say egg drop soup, and i eat that until I completely burn myself out on it, then I move on. For a long time it was frozen mango pieces, thawed, and sprinkled with Truvia. But now I have them occassionally but not every evening. Head hunger is rearing its ugly head and if I don't head it off I will have very bad days. Like the day I decided to try some apple pucker mixed with orange pineapple juice and ate almost a whole bowl of little smokies covered in brown sugar. That was a horrible day for me and may have contributed to my loss of only two lbs. On the whole though I came out of that experience ready to face my real life again and get back on track. I didn't let it get me down too much and I am happy with that progress.
It seems like I am changing and some things I am happy about but others i am not. I stand up for myself more at home and sometimes at work. Things at work have been very hard lately. Coworkers causing problems for others and a supervisor I don't feel I can trust. But in other times of my life, i say HEY wait a second, don't I get to decide? Changes I don't like in myself is this new selfishness. While I know that I deserve time to myself as well, sometimes I am bad about pushing my daughter aside to get that time and I never wanted to be that way. Joe, my bf, is pretty selfish though. When he gets home from work he gets on the computer and stays there pretty much all evening. I do bedtime stuff for Brook and take care of the dog and cat, although he will get his own supper ready. Just once I would like for him to give Brook a bath so i can have just a minute to myself. I will leave that though because it is one area where I do need to speak up.
I think that's all i have for now. I am just waiting for my one on one meeting with the library chief, my boss's boss, so I can tell him my feelings about what's been going on here. I'm nervous and I want to eat so I did, a SF jello. Yay me!

I am sitting here post-op almost three months. I can't believe how great I have done and how many questions I still have. I have lost 87 lbs. since Aug. 14th and 110 lbs. since last november when I was diagnosed with diabetes. I am no longer diabetic and while my weight loss is sporadic i average between 4-7 lbs. a week lost.
I wanted to keep up with this blog but I just wasn't able to do it. I hope to do better in the future.
Let's see, the day of surgery I went in and although I was a little nervous it was managable. Before I knew it I was coming out of it and my family was in the hallway waving at me as I was carted to my new room. I was up and walking that evening, somehting everyone needs to push to do, and left by Saturday afternoon. Although I would have been better in the hospital one more day, a situation at home arose where that wasn't possible, and I wanted to see my munchkin so badly.
It was probably a week before I felt like I wasn't death warmed over, it wasn't that bad but I didn't have much energy. By my 2 week appt. with Dr. H I was feeling pretty good and had lost a good amount of weight. I went back to work at the beginning of week 3 and didn't have much problem except for some mid-afternoon blah moments.
Getting my protein and water in has been hard, there are days it doesnt happen, and others it does. I'm on coffee again which is a mini-disapointment for me but a lot better than some other things I have seen people are doing.
I get so frustrated about low-fat, no fat, no carb, no sugar, etc. I know its best to eat healthy, and I am trying to get that under control, but I can't see living the rest of my life restricting myself to the nines. You can't live that way. Yes I have discovered that I do not dump, not something I wanted to know, but my life is changing regardless. I don't have to finish what's on my plate, I am amazed at the ammount of food that people will eat, esp. at a party or buffet setting, and I don't even want to be the person who can't get out of a chair by herself ever again.
What amazes me is how open I can be now about my weight. Before surgery i didn't want anyone knowing or guessing anywhere close to what I really was. Now i will tell anyone that I started out at 473 lbs. lost 20 lbs. between Nov. 08 and Aug. 09 and the rest later, after surgery. I haven't had any complications so far and for that I thank God but I think even if I had complications this would still be the best decision I ever made.
Well hope to get on here again soon.

My nerves are getting worse as each day passes. I have 17 days until surgery and only 4 more days until my liquid diet. its all becoming very real to me now. 
I know everyone has those certain people they want to prove their worth to. Someone who thinks they will fail this time too. I didn't really have a list like this until now.
First and only on my list so far is my supervisor. Its really sad but she thinks of me as grotesque. I know it isn't provable but I can tell by the way she looks at me and treats me. I'm not alone, which is good, she dislikes my co worker too. I can tell she thinks I will fail, that this is a waste of work time. Personally I can't wait to be away from here for awhile and I'm going to take off as much time as I can.
We have a complicated system around here. We have collection development which consists of two people who have the same supervisor as us, technical services. Technical services consists of two really cool people, 1 person who is fine, and then one horrid person who gets everything she wants because she whines and tattles like a 3 year old. Well our supervisor took collection development plus one to lunch. The plus one was the whiny brat from back here. It just seems inappropriate to me that she would take someone from tech services but not at least invite everyone. How odd that these three people are the only ones here that have our supervisor's cell phone number. The supervisor for the circ staff is awesome but she was accussed of playing favorites by my supervisor, even though she invites everyone when they plan lunches out or in. Sounds like someone was trying to point fingers so someone else would be the focus of management.  It has gotten really bad here, this just scrapes the surface. It is really hard to come to work when you know your supervisor is disgusted by you. I have nothing to prove to her, but she's on my list.
I guess it all really started for me when we had a meeting saying no cell phones, that people were spending too much time on their cell phones. She also said no visitors unless we were on lunch or break becuase it was distracting. This was after my bf and my daughter came to visit me for a few minutes. If they want it that way, fine, I understand and I will comply. But lo and behold everyone else's kids, including my supervisors, were still coming in and hanging around all day. I took it very personally. What was wrong with my daughter? That she was born out of wedlock? Then recently whiny brats phone has been going off 5-6 times a day. A comment was made and she ran to the supervisor and came back and told us, that she works hard and she's allowed to have phone calls. I guess the rest of us don't work hard? We are still not supposed to get personal phone calls, but the brat can get them all day long. The stories go on and on and on. It is ridiculous.
Otherwise I am just counting the days until I start my liquid diet. I have lost some weight, I sat in my camp chair last night and fit better than ever, I didn't feel like I was bending the frame. I didn't weigh this sunday because water weight from my time of the month.
I go for my pre op testing on Friday.

Wow!! I can't believe a month has passed since I was approved for surgery. I still don't feel any more prepared as in have everything I need ready, but I do feel prepared mentally. I know I can do this. I was looking at my white binder from Dr. H. and worrying as usual about eating and drinking after surgery and it just clicked. The first week after surgery doesn't scare me anymore and that is such a load off my mind.
I have been afraid to try and purchase different protein powders. I'm afraid my tastes will completely change and I'll be stuck with something I don't want and can't afford to get rid of.
I'm still confused about the vitamins and I would like to get started on them but it seems like everyone has a different opinion on what you should take.
I try to concentrate at work but I am so keyed up and ready for this surgery. I am nervous and happy at the same time.
We already made arrangements because my surgery falls during the State Fair and all Sedalia hotels are booked. I don't want to drive the two hours the morning of my surgery so we are staying at Whiteman Air Force Base the 13th and my family is staying there the 14th. That way I won't have to drive as far that morning. I'm the first operation of the day, I have to be there at 6:30.
I think this Friday we're going to go to Big Surf. Next year will be great I may actually be healthy enough to ride some of the rides and even though I will be saggy with extra skin I will still feel like i'm having more fun.
That's all I have for now except a quick top 5
Top 5 things I would rather go without than have the diet version:
5) Chocolate (Do they make a diet version)  :)
4) Any kind of cake
3)  Sugar   :)
2) Yogurt or pudding
1) Soda, I hate diet soda :P blech

Insurance finally approved me. I will be having surgery on Aug. 14th.  I have to be there at 6:30 am but I can handle that. Now I have to while away 59 days.  That sounds horribly hard but I know that others have done it. So I need to be patient and start yet another list. But before I do that I would like to say that I know its hard to be patient and wait for approval but its all you can do.
Things I'll focus on while awaiting sugery:
1) Food - as in what to eat and how to eat post surgery
2) Hobbies- gathering all items needed to help when my nasty horrible head hunger hits.
3) My house: Getting everything ready for post surgery when I won't have the energy to take care of the house.
4) Not panicking: While I'm ready to have this surgery I have moments of fear also.
and last but not least
5) Eating well and losing weight so that I can be healthy for surgery.