Cheryl H.

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This is starting to get to me!  For the past 3 days, like clockwork, I start feeling feverish and nauseous this time of day.  My temp is always low grade, like 99.8 ish.  I'm doing the breathing thingie and I'm getting my liquids in but here comes the icky feelings again.  Weird is I kinda feel hungry but not for anything I have here at the house ready to eat.  I'm wanting to drink water or crystal lite or juice but I want to drink larger amounts than I am supposed to be taking in so I stick with my little medicine cup and 15 minute increments.

I hope this is going to get better.............

My sister left this morning to go back to her life and now I am here, alone.  I am happy that I don't have a lot going on.  Being a teacher, I have this break until August something er another...I think around the 17th.  I am so grateful that I can shower!  I can change the bandages on my lovely bruised belly.  I can walk to the end of the street and back without being too exhausted.  I am learning about the capacity of my new tummy.  I did get sick and vomit once because I drank too much water at one time.  I figured out the the anti-nausea meds were giving me a horrible headache and taking pain meds for the headache was making me nauseous so I don't take either.  These staple sites are itchy! I poop out quickly and even sitting here blogging has made me ready for a nap.  I am alone but not lonely.  I will be ok!

I had a rough day after surgery!  I'm not gonna lie because it was HARD!  My blood sugar went thru the roof and was up in the 300s.  Normal ranges for me is 90-130 tops. I blew up so much from the gas that it impacted my ability to breathe and that scared me to pieces!  I was bleeding from my wound sites reminding me of Carrie or Psycho shower scene.  Finally someone got smart and gave me some ativan to calm my butt out and things got better from there.

I feel like I have a bit of a fever and I've been battling a headache for two days.  I am still struggling with breathing but I think the gas is starting to disapate. 

AND forget grinding my pills because I gag on it!  Dunno what I am going to do about that!

I don't know why I am so tired.  I am draggin' tail!

I feel a bit overwhelmed and wonder if that's part of it.  One of my students and his aunt were in a car wreak yesterday and even though they are both going to be fine, he's having to stay in the hospital for observation.  He is autistic and non-verbal so he can't tell them where it hurts or how bad it hurts.  Something that keeps him calm and occupied is an iPad so I took mine up there for him to use.  It just broke my heart to see him all bruised up and upset about being at the hospital.  I truly care very deeply for this child and I have a great relationship with his parents.  I will be his teacher for another year as I teach both 5th and 6th grade.  

If you are a person that prays, please say a little prayer for William.....

Ok, my surgery is Thursday.  I've been really good on my pre-op diet but didn't lose as much as I was thinking I would.  I tried to have the LapBand almost 2 years ago but my liver was too soft and kept breaking on the doc so I woke up over 2 hrs later with nothing!  I was devastated!  Now that same fear is creeping up on me about it happening again and a bad case of "what if's?"  I really want this and I really need this because I want to be healthy and live to enjoy my "golden years" and eventual grandbabies and find my soulmate and get off this gain-lose-gain-lose-GAIN merry-go-round once and for all!  I read about struggles and trials and worry that I can't do it.  Heck, I'm just worrying!  Peek inside my head: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

Am I doing the right thing?  

Have I chosen the best WLS for me?  I mean, if I am struggling THIS hard with the pre-op diet, sticking to it is so hard!  If I could stick to ANY diet, I wouldn't be here!!!!!  I'm mad, irritated........pretty bitchy actually!  Thank GOD I live alone with my sweet dachshunds because I would bite anyone's head off around me at times.

RNT, DS, bipass v my selected surgery, VSG......I have 120 lbs to lose AND KEEP OFF!  I've read posts from fellow WLS patients that lose only 30 lbs then GAIN IT BACK!  That's where I've been many many times after diets that I don't stick with and gain back plus some.  

I'm here to change my lifestyle, not just diet.  I pray that this WLS will be the tool to my success and a new, healthy life for as long as God will bless me.  

I'm stressed.  

I'm nervous.

Yeah, I'm getting scared for the first time in this journey and I'm having second thoughts.

I want to be successful but my track record doesn't support it.

God I am so tired of sweet on sweet on sweet!  One week from today will be the eve of my LONG awaited surgery and I don't think this time can pass fast enough! 

I would be happy with rabbit food....some fruit, veggies and a bit of seasoning.  Something to CRUNCH and chew.....I'm ok with no meat during this time...heaven knows I chowed down my fair share and a few others shares as well leading up to this liquid diet!  When I did the HCG diet, I got days to 'gorge" prior to starting the diet so I semi did the same thing leading up to this.  I had my last meals at the buffet, my final beer, my mega nachos (MexFood is a serious weekness of mine!)and my last hurrah just eating everything and anything I wanted to eat.  Now, time to get serious!  As serious as I was about my "FINAL" and goodbyes, I am twice, no 100 times more serious about this lifestyle change. 

It's going to be a struggle but I'm reaching out to others, those that don't want to sabbotage me but see me successful and healthy! I've got a lot of highly embedded habits to break but I've changed my lifestyle choices, errrr, bad habits like smoking and drinking to excess with the application of the 12 step program and principles so I choose to apply those same steps and principles in changing my relationship with food...that love-hate relationship....I'm worth it and by God, I'm gonna suit up and show up!

I HATE LIQUID DIETS!!! 

That being said, it's getting a bit easier but not a lot.  I think my dr is really mean for assigning NOTHING but protein shakes!  OMG!  I want FOOD!   I just want something with a savory edge to it so when I get to my breaking point, maybe chicken broth will help?  I tried it a few days ago and I'm guessing I am just not THAT desperate yet?

I love my family and I live alone so I am so fortunate to not have to cook for anyone or prep meals for anyone but I did spend the evening at my sister's house with my neice and nephews.  She had a mastectomy last week so everyone is there helping her and supporting her.  I did cook for them.  Then I sat at the table while they ate.  I wanted food but I didn't have any.  Again, day in a day out, they ask me "Are you SURE you want to do this?"  Yeah, I am a DAMN good cook and I love food!  How do you suppose I got here?  I look at Graham Elliot, Master Chef, Michelin star and a fantastic palate........lost 150lbs with the same surgery I am having.  So if he can do it, why can't I?  Yes, I am sure!  I can do this!  I will do this!

Sigh......

I am not really a sweet eater.  I really prefer savory.  I can do this, I can do this....Really?  I HAVE to do this!  This is my last ditch effort to lose weight and establish a healthy lifestyle.  Redefine my relationship with food.  Learn to eat to live rather than live to eat.  For 42 years, since the age of about 11 or 12, I've had a love/hate relationship with food.  I'm tall and big boned. I can remember my mother going on a new diet all the time.  I remember hiding food, binging, gorging and when I wanted to puke, I couldn't so I bought laxitives.  I would get a sense of high about food then crash into lows and feelings of guilt when I gorged.  I started doing what I learned....a new diet, diet pills, fad diets and more.  I smoked so I wouldn't be hungry.  Then I got pregnant with my daughter, out of wedlock and married her dad.  I changed jobs which neccessitated a 3 month move away from my new baby and new husband.  I ate and ate and ate to make myself feel better or not feel?  Then I worked my new job, training and living in a new state with a new baby and a new husband.  And got pregnant again.  I had a baby boy and had to go back to train again at my job but this time, no move.  Oh yeah and we bought a house.  I wanted a divorce as I really didn't love my children's father.  He made me feel like I was nothing and not able to survive without him and when I did try to leave him, he used the kids against me, telling me I would be paying HIM child support and getting visitation because I couldn't survive without him.  I anestistized my feelings with food, took up smoking again and well, stuck it out with him until my kids were in college. Now divorced and living in a different state, different career and my own home, I realize I CAN do all the things he said I couldn't.  The only thing I can't seem to do is lose weight.  Which brings me to here and now....today, day 2......I CAN do this!

and eventually, surgery on July 24th!

I thought "I have to say good-bye to this food or that food"  and threw caution to the wind, eating everything and anything.  After 40+ years of failed diets and dieting mentality that early on led to bulemia, I thought that lack of restraint would be fun but I'm miserable!  I'm retaining fluid, having shortness of breath, and feel like I am 7 months pregnant because I cannot suck in my stomach any more.  My back hurts and I have zero energy.  I find myself actually looking forward to Thursday when I go on liquids.  That's just craaaaaazzy!

I am at my all time highest weight ever and at 53 years old, I am so very ready to turn this around.  I know it's not a majic pill or some easy fix but like Carny Wilson, I am ready to finally face this LOVE/HATE relationship with food and learn to eat to live, rather that live to eat.