Feeling like a huge fat failure...

I had surgery in March 2011 and I went from 292 and I think my lowest was about 180. Over the last year or so I've gotten all the way back up to 220 and I just feel horrible. I feel horrible about myself and my clothes don't fit and I am just a mess. I know what I need to do but I am so addicted to food still and it is just so hard. Over the last year I've been focusing on going back to school and now I am doing my student teaching in an Elementary School. I feel like it is so stressful and so much work and I never make time for the gym and I eat to make me feel better. I am feeling so discouraged and I would just love some support and tips. I can eat absolutely anything and I can eat huge quantities of food at a time. I know that I need to get back on track but I would love to hear from others. 

I'm sorry you are still struggling.  I know people have suggested it before, but it feel obligated to say it again.  I think the best thing you can do is to seek out a counselor who can help you with the emotional/psychological part of this journey.  You have struggled with food issues almost from the very beginning, and it makes me sad to see that you are still struggling.  A counselor can give you the behavioral and psychological help you need AND provide all sorts of support and encouragement.

I know how easy it is to just grab anything handy to eat -- and to not pay much attention to how much you are eating -- when you are busy and stressed out, but controlling both of those things is crucial.  I think the best things you can do is to have only healthy food available in the house so you cannot eat junk; focus on protein and seignior antsy limit carbs; take your lunch to school/work so you know it will be well-planned, portion controlled, and protein forward; track what you are eating and drinking (MyFitnessPal has upgraded their software in the past couple of years -- I just started using it again myself in the past week -- and it really doesn't take much time to track things).

Coming back here on a regular basis, even if you are limited in the amount of time you can spend will also help.  It will help keep you  motivated and can also help you stay accountable to yourself for taking control of what you are eating.

You CAN take control of this and turn things around. Many people have gotten back on track and lost some significant regain.

Lora

If you had treatment for cancer and it returns does that make you a failure?

You acknowledge that you have a food addiction.  So do I.  I failed miserably with my first WLS because I wasn't able to get a handle on it.  It took having major surgery and being sedated and on pain meds for me to get through the carb withdrawal.  I'm not doing better now because I am a revision, I am doing better now because I detoxed from the refined carbs and continue to avoid them.

Not eat them in moderation, because that never ended well for me, but to avoid completely the foods I know led me to the operating table in the first place.

The first surgery I thought it was about moderation.  I thought that having surgery would somehow magically take away my eating addiction.  They say we have surgery on our stomach, not our brains, and it's true.  We are dealing with what for many is a mental issue by altering our body.  My desire to overeat and to eat junk wasn't due to any kind of physical problem,  it wasn't because I was hungry all the time because I never stopped eating long enough to experience hunger.  It was a learned and genetic response to just about every situation in my life that I came across.  I am speaking for myself and my opinion that there is a genetic component to food addiction, just like there is a genetic component to alcoholism and drug addiction.  Just my own beliefs based my myself and others that I have talked to.

Anyway, I am fighting an uphill battle and having surgery gives me a weapon to help in the fight, when I use it.  It is like having a hammer in your tool box.  It doesn't get out of the tool box and start pounding in nails by itself.  It makes it easier to pound in nails then, say, a shoe, but it is useless just sitting around the tool box waiting to be used.

So far, it seems that WLS is probably the most effect tool right now in dealing with obesity.

So, good advice on the counseling.  Maybe a visit with a nutritionist can help but in the end you are the person making the choices and you are the person putting the food in your mouth.  Of course you may be under the influence of those bad choices which cause more cravings and more bad choices so the first step is to put down the things that you know are getting in your way.  Accept that you are probably one that cannot safely eat a sandwich or piece of cake and not develop intense cravings for more food like that.

Yeah, it's hard to admit that a Big Mac has more power over me then I do but I had to do it because if I let myself believe that I can control that Big Mac I am on the road to WLS #2 failure.

Excellent 

Where's the Like button on this website?

Like, like, like

Great advice. It is so hard.... I don't make good choices every day.  It is hard - damn hard because I am still addicted to food. I love food. I love to eat. I love the feeling. 

The best encouragement I have is that 40 pounds of regain is easier to lose than 45-50-55... so at least stop gaining. Set a small goal. Detox the carbs/sugar. It is the devil without question. Try to do an Atkins style diet which will help get your hunger under control. Less than 25 grams of carbs per day. Not saying you have to live like that forever but you need to get a sense of control back.

Good luck - you are not alone.

Food addiction doesn't end after surgery. This journey that we are on is filled with ups and downs, knowing or discovering what our triggers are, admitting our problems and coping in a healthy way are all part of this life long Odyssee. Relapsing and the self-loathing that comes with it is perilous.  You always have and always will have the power to change your coping strategies.  You can do this, with seeking out assistance from a counsellor, nutritionist or WL support group.  Detoxing from sugar, carbs, pop and junk food. You have the knowledge and tools at your disposition to make some physical changes, pull out your old pre and post surgery nutrition tips, make a plan and take control.  The hard part of this journey is re-training our brains to stay in line with our WL ambitions instead of reverting to old unhealthy habits and coping strategies.  Be patient forgive yourself and good luck!

I agree that a counselor is the place to start! Beating yourself up mentally and emotionally does NOTHING but hurt you. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!  Be Kind to yourself and your body. Look up information on cognitive behavioral therapy. There are things you can do to change your thoughts that are hurting you. I use these techniques myself. They have helped me to lose after regain. You have to take care of yourself with things other than food. (((Hugs)))

Everyone has already given you great advice. =)

I just want to offer some encouragement of my own, because I literally just came from where you are. Last year at this time I was sitting on a 40+ pound regain from my lowest post-op weight. 

I didn't want to face it, but something inside me said that if I allowed myself to gain one more poundI would end up regaining it all. Or at least 99.9% of it.  You see I had been pseudo-justifying the regain by telling myself that most people have bounceback, that at least I was still over a hundred pounds lighter than preop, that I was too old (at 50) to worry about another pound or two here or there, yada yada yada.

Thank God I finally took a moment to think my situation all the way through.  I made a conscious decision that the number on the scale that morning was NOT going to get any higher.  At the very least I had to stop gaining and that is what I put all of my energy into. 

I went back to what I knew was the correct way of eating for me.  No dieting.  No pills.  No starving.  No get-thin-quick process, procedure or pill.  Protein first.  Produce.  Limited amount of carbs. (A note about the carbs:  it helped me considerably to think of carbs as I would think of condiments.  I do eat them, but they are an accessory to my meal.  In very smalll amounts they enhance my diet).   I refuse to engage any further in the diet-binge-diet cycle again.  I'm not on a "diet".  I don't count protein, carbs, fats, or really anything else. I still have dumping syndrome so I *do* closely watch sugars. I'm eating the way I will for the rest of my life.

Sitting here tonight I have re-lost every single one of those 40 pounds, plus a few more. Bottom line:  it absolutely CAN be done.  You can lose what you've gained.  It takes longer than it does immediately postop. When you realize you're not on some race there is a whole new perspective available.  When you're eating the way you will be for the rest of your life, you don't measure your success by how quickly or slowly you lose a few pounds.  Success becomes defined as developing a style  of eating that you can live with and be absolutely contented.

I'm glad you came and posted.  Hopefully, it helps to know there are others who have been successful in turning around regain.  You got this.  You really, really do.