tennis-guru-girl
Being called FAT
Nov 21, 2010
I was just searching through the "Rate my Teacher" website. I get email notifications when there is an update to a post regarding me. One of the most recent posts was from a boy tennis player. I couldn't believe that this kid had that audacity to say, "She was my tennis coach - hard as hell and really FAT." Yep, fat was all caps. I know that limits who that might have been. Here it is a Sunday night, and now I'm dreading going to school because the reality of how the kids see me has just hit me like a 234 pound sledge hammer. That post was recent too. I mean, if they think I'm fat now - what did they think of me back during the season? I was huge then!I want to just cry. There is never - never - a time when hearing that (or seeing it typed) doesn't sting. I googled "how it feels to be called fat" and saw a video from a young boy who said, "every time I get called fat it is a life or death situation because when I get called fat I want to commit suicide." As I'm typing this, FOX has "The Cleaveland Show" is all about childhood obesity. The boy has to wear a C-Pap machine because he is heavy. He hesitates to climb stairs because he is so out of shape. He drowns his sorrow at being picked on at school in a pizza. He rides on a scooter with a fat lady to Wisconsin where everyone is fat and they indulge (binge) on whatever they want. At the end of the show there was this message, "Come on, America. Stop being so fat." What is that about?
While the whole "fat" thing as a target is a socially acceptable thing for people to do, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to get over the hurt of being made fun of. There are times where I remember hearing people talk about me when they didn't know I could hear them. I know what it feels like to want to give up on life because the world seems to be such a harsh and mean place. Sure, being fat is not something that "just happens." Overeating, being lazy, and other things are contributing factors in packing on the pounds. I don't doubt that much of my angst was brought on by myself. I was lazy and not being a grown up about making responsible food choices. That is what happens when some sort of mental thing trips up the system of balance that should be in place. Food becomes a friend, a crutch, a bandaid...food becomes a coping mechanism for losing a loved one and being consumed with grief, for being extremely self-conscious, and for having a troubled, lonely, stressful, scary childhood. Maybe I could have been thinner and an alcoholic, drug user, and/or extremely harsh person. Rather, I was (and probably always will be) a food addict. Today I went to brunch with my sister. I ordered an omelet with veggies. It was huge, probably half the size of my plate. I only ate a little bit. I left a lot of the food on my plate. So what? I'm making changes great...but I'm still a fat chick. There was a couple sitting near me. Both the man and woman were very large. They had a hard time getting up from their chairs. I felt sorry for them.
This is why I still want to do an obesity camp. I don't know what else I can do other than be warm and patient with the kids. They will need therapy and healthy foods that are portion controlled. They will need medical work ups and close monitoring so that they can try to do sports. They will need to feel safe and accepted. I can do that. I don't want to be a bad example. I need - need - need to work out. If I can do that I can do anything. I always felt so much better about myself when I was spending time on getting fit. I need to stop being so okay with "someday" or "soon" because I just procrastinate endlessly.
My mom is having surgery on Wednesday at Northwestern. I want to go into the city and hang out. I also want to sit in with an admission officer to see what all I would actually need to do if I went through with going to school again to be a doc. I know that pipe dream is still calling to me. I was so lazy and intimidated as a 18-19 year old. I wanted to be pre-med, but I also really wanted to spend all of my time and energy focusing on my boyfriend at that time. Wow, if I knew then what I know now - - - I would currently be a doc! I would probably also be married to one of the three guys in my past who I blew off so easily because I was a shallow, short-sighted snot. Wow, I think I'm witnessing myself sinking into that Christmastime depression that I fear. I miss sunlight, warmth, and a fresh breeze. If I don't find something to pick me up I know that I'll be blue until March. Being blue doesn't help me get the metabolism going.
Anyway, I'm crabby because I got called fat. It really boils down to that. I put up my Christmas tree and discovered that its pre-lit bulbs weren't working. I added strands but it doesn't look the same. It isn't bright; it looks sad. I'm glad it is up though. I put up the garland over the fireplace, it looks nice with the white lights. There are the LED color changing crystal snowflakes over that. I added lights outside too. It looks cheesy, but still cute. The little neighbor boys like it. I still want to do the tree in front, but I don't want to overdo it either.
So, off to bed. Tomorrow is a movie day with the kids in 9H. I will continue to read the novel with my juniors. And of course I will GRADE, GRADE, GRADE!!! I want to stay caught up with that since one of my former students said that he was sure I was a great teacher except for my not getting papers graded faster. I've heard that my slow grading from last year has been talked around in other teachers' classes - great! I refuse to slide on that this year, yet I'm about a week behind. C'mon!!!
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About Me
Aurora, IL
Location
33.5
BMI
Surgery
07/29/2010
Surgery Date
Aug 08, 2010
Member Since
