PoeticOne

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As I get closer to getting my impending surgery date, I can't help but look at how real this thing really is. I have had so many responses from my "W.A.I.T.I.N.G." blog. Have you ever had the feeling that you were alone when it came to things you dealt with because of your weight? I have to be honest, I never thought that I would share some of the things that I have on this site. Now that I see the impact it has had on others, I feel the need to go even deeper and let whoever is reading this know....YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

Wow! Where do I begin?? I can think of so many things that will be happy to never have to deal with again. Smaller people don't have a clue what you go through as a Severely Morbidly Obese person. Here's a list of things that I want to be able to do:

1. Walk into a room without wondering if the chair will hold me
2. Sit comfortably in a chair with arms or a booth
3. To shop at local stores and to buy things they don't have to order
4. To get in and out of my car without feeling like someone is watching me
5. Travel anywhere my fiance wants to go without having to always drive
6. To feel comfortable in my clothes/Not afraid pants will split
7. To buy a smaller car, not a bigger one because I need to
8. To take my kids to the amusement park and ride, not just watch
9. To go swimming and feel comfortable
10. To not ALWAYS be the biggest person in the room
11. TO CROSS MY LEGS
12. To be able to fly and not have to buy two seats just for me
13. To have a sense of accomplishment with my weight
14. To have the pain in my knee go away
15. To sleep thru the night without a CPAP machine
16. For my kids to not be embarrased when they're friends see me
17. To completely cut my own toe nails without hurting my back
18. To not walk 10 feet and start sweating
19. To handle personal hygiene without spending extra time due to size
20. To wear a smaller shoe size (PLEASE GOD)
21. To purchase fashionable shoes/clothes
22. To take a bath (Not just showers only)
23. To feel comfortable taking pictures again
24. To attend a sports event, concert, play etc comfortably
25. To tell KING SIZED DIRECT to quit sending me those damn books!

This list could go all day, but I think you get the picture. I hope that, like the others, this will help someone coming behind me to push forward. I'm not leaving OH. As long as this site is available, I will have a page to encourage people as others have encouraged me.

God Bless!! 

DANG!!!! August 14, 2007 is taking too frickin' long!! It seems like this 
is just moving wayyy to slow. Since the day I got the approval, nothing 
much else has really happened. I have told my family about the WLS. Initially, my goal was to not say CRAP!!! I started to wait until about a 
week before the surgery. 
I just didn't want to hear the negative comments about why I shouldn't 
do this. Sh....... people who have not walked in my shoes just don't get it! Just because I get around ok and people are just USED to seeing me 
FAT, they say stuff like: "Why do you want to do that?, you look fine the 
way you are" I want to say "DAMMIT, I'M SLOWLY DYING!! CAN'T YOU 
SEE THAT?" Look, don't get me wrong, I'm blessed!! I don't have constant high blood pressure and I am not diabetic, but why sit around and wait 
until some dr gives me those diagnosis to do something? My family is 
used to having people with diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, strokes. etc. I realize that losing weight won't guarantee that I will not get these, but it will DAMN sure lower my chances!!

People don't understand that its my daily life that I have an issue with. Imagine not being able to walk into a room without looking for a chair 
that you think can hold you. Going to a restaurant and having to wait 
longer because the only seats available are in a lil tight ass booth! 
having to order ALL of your clothes online at high ass prices. Not being 
able to shop locally. If someone invites me to something that I need to 
really dress up for, I have to have time for what I order to be mailed to me. That's if they have MY SIZE in stock!! Thats no life to lead! Thats CRAP!! 
Not being able to teach my son to ride his bike because I'm too FAT to 
run behind him and leep up with him. Watching my brother teaching my daughter years ago tore me apart, but I just put on that same fake ass 
smile I've been wearing for years. People get so used to seeing that fake 
smile on your face, they just think you are a happy person. WRONG!! 

Ok, I guess I have ranted enough today. I will update again on 8-14-07!!!

GOD IS SO GOOD!!!! My Surgeon's office called me yesterday to let me know that they submitted my info to the insurance company on Wednesday around 4:30. When they got into the office Thursday morning, my approval was already there!! LESS THAN 12 HOURS!!!! I have a follow up appointment with them on 8-14-07 and we will discuss a surgery date then. Thanks for your encouragement and your prayers. I will continue to keep you all updated. God Bless!!

Hey gang, Just a quick update. My surgeon's office called and asked me to go to the hospital for some lab work and a liver ultrasound to make sure everything was cool. That was done on 7-17-07. GET THIS......On my way home, I stopped to pick up some things from the store and come back out to find my car G.O.N.E.!!!! 8am and someone stole my car from the store parking lot!! Can you believe that?? LOL But you know what........
I STILL HAVE VICTORY!!!!! THE DEVIL IS TRYING HIS BEST TO DISCOURAGE ME....I REFUSE TO LET THIS HINDER ME. When you are without a car, what's the first thing that you worry about???? Getting to work, right. Well, I WORK FROM HOME!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! PRAISE GOD!! SO THE DEVIL CAN ENJOY THAT CAR ALL HE WANTS, HE'S GOTTA RETURN WHAT'S MINE 7 TIMES!!!!!! I WON'T BE SWAYED. I AM ANCHORED IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I BELONG TO GOD AND HE'S GOT MY BACK!!! DON'T BE DISCOURAGED......JOY COMES IN THE MORNING...

IF WE CAN BEAT THE DEVIL WITH OUR MINDS, HE HAS NO GROUND TO FIGHT!!! WE WHO BELIEVE HAVE THE VICTORY!!!

Hey gang, Just a quick update. My surgeon's office called and asked me to go to the hospital for some lab work and a liver ultrasound to make sure everything was cool. That was done on 7-17-07. GET THIS......On my way home, I stopped to pick up some things from the store and come back out to find my car G.O.N.E.!!!! 8am and someone stole my car from the store parking lot!! Can you believe that?? LOL But you know what........
I STILL HAVE VICTORY!!!!! THE DEVIL IS TRYING HIS BEST TO DISCOURAGE ME....I REFUSE TO LET THIS HINDER ME. When you are without a car, what's the first thing that you worry about???? Getting to work, right. Well, I WORK FROM HOME!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! PRAISE GOD!! SO THE DEVIL CAN ENJOY THAT CAR ALL HE WANTS, HE'S GOTTA RETURN WHAT'S MINE 7 TIMES!!!!!! I WON'T BE SWAYED. I AM ANCHORED IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I BELONG TO GOD AND HE'S GOT MY BACK!!! DON'T BE DISCOURAGED......JOY COMES IN THE MORNING...

IF WE CAN BEAT THE DEVIL WITH OUR MINDS, HE HAS NO GROUND TO FIGHT!!! WE WHO BELIEVE HAVE THE VICTORY!!!

Hey everyone!! Good News!!
I got my letter of medical necessity in the mail today!! My silly Dr's nurse mailed it to me instead of faxing it to the surgeon's office. Now look...I get off work at 5pm and WL center closes at 5pm. So ya'll know I called ahead and begged the insurance lady to stay there!! hahaha She was glad to do it though. She told me that I was one of their hardest working patients. I told her that this too important for me to play with. 
I read a blog earlier where the girl was asking if we thought she had made a mistake by not doing the things that her psychologist told her to do!! DUH!!! I have even started to eat some of the food that they told me I would need to eat after I come off of the liquids. Why wait? That's stupid!! Especially when they tell you its important to the process.

well guys, any day now. I will keep you posted! God Bless....

BTW, can anyone tell me how add backgrounds to my page??

My surgeon's office called me this afternoon to tell me that they will not need the information from my former dr!!!!!! The letter of medical necessity from my current dr is plenty!!!!!! My insurance company already approves you if your BMI is over 40, which means I will have a surgery date sooner than I thought!!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!!! IT'S HARD ENOUGH JUST TRYING TO SIT STILL AND WRITE THIS!!!!!!! WOW!!! THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND ENCOURAGEMENT!!! IT HAS MEANT A GREAT DEAL!! THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU!!!

Hey people, its me again!
Well, I have moved a little bit further in my process. I had my Nutrition Class today. The nurses were laughing at me because everything they told me, I already knew. (HAHAHA) I told them, I have been researching this thing for 7 or 8 years now. The only thing I can't do is how to perform the Surgery myself! LOL! Some of the other people in the class were really uninformed about the nutritional side of it. The class went a lot longer than it should have, but it was still good information. When they began talking about the support groups, I told them about OH and how it has helped me! Hope they take my advise. Anyway, the insurance person at the WL center is still out on medical leave. I can't seem to get any help right now with finding out if not having the other medical records is going to be a problem or not. I SAY NOT!! LOL! Anyway, I'm not worried about it at all, I am excited and looking forward to getting my surgery soon. Well, Take care and God bless until next time.....

Well, today my PCP sent all of my paperwork to the WL center. There is one small issue right now. I have only been with this PCP since January. When I called my former PCP's office, they inform me that he is no longer at the practice and is now in Dallas, TX. Of course, the business office cannot locate my records. I'm really not happy about that, but its ok. The devil wants to replace my faith with some fear. Well.....SORRY DEVIL!!! YOU'RE A LIAR!! This thing is done, I'm just waiting through the preliminaries. My PCP said that he will send everything that he has and we'll work through it. I'm still excited.
I've been getting a lot of feedback from the site and its all been very positive. I really appreciate the love everyone has shown. No one judging because we are all here for the same reason: To care of this weight problem so we can LIVE. "To LIVE" has taken on a whole new meaning for me. seeing that I CAN be healthy as well as smaller. I CAN run around with my kids at the park. I CAN teach my son to ride his bike. I CAN spend real quality time with my fiance and do the things we really enjoy but I just can't do. To go to any movie theater and be comfortable. To go to the local arena and watch a concert. People who find out they are dying want to spend their last dime to do things they have never done. My biggest dreams don't cost one cent, but will mean the world to me.
Well, enough for now. I will update you soon. Thanks again! God Bless!

June 27, 2007 – Weight Loss Surgery Consult

 

            Well, today is the day! I have my initial consultation with Dr. Sass at Memorial Hospital . I am getting very nervous. Although I know they have dealt with people my size and some maybe even bigger, I still cringe at the thought of other people just staring at me knowing why I am there. A few months after this surgery, I will want everyone to stare! Haha! Deb is going with me. I don’t think she realizes how much that means to me.

Knowing that in the past, I have had NO support on this at all from my family, it feels good to know that she wants to see me healthy, smaller and happier, no matter the cost. People say, “You can die from this surgery”. Well that may be true, but I would rather die on the operating table trying to change this, than to live the next phase of my life at over 600lbs and possibly having a heart attack or stroke. Somehow, the thought of not being able to care for myself by the time I’m 45 just doesn’t seem pleasing to me.

            I really have two fears right now: #1. To get on that scale and see my actual weight. The last time I weighed a few years ago, I was at 615 lbs. I know that I don’t look like it because of my height. When people guess my weight, they always say 400-450lbs. (Hell, I wish) #2 Just the fear that somehow, they will decide they can’t do this surgery on me. If I can’t do this, I really don’t know what is next. I am at a loss. It is my prayer that I can get this done so that I can be a better father. Teach my son to ride his bike, spend more active time with my kids and not just watching a movie or playing games. I want to do more in the Kingdom. God can’t use me fully at my current weight. I need to lose it to be effective in ministry. Of course, my health. I’m not tying to live with a CPAP the rest of my life and taking blood pressure pills like my parents. One of the most important reasons is Deborah. I have found someone that I really and truly want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want that to end in 10 or 20 years and I don’t want it to be hindered by my health. We both like to travel and just go whenever the hell we feel the urge. I want to be able to continue that and even more. I love her so much and I want to be here for her as long as I possibly can.

            Well, I’m outta here. I will try to update this as much as possible. Maybe it will help someone else someday. – Peace

 

 

 

June 27, 2007 – Results of Consult

 

            WOW!!!! Dr. Sass is the best! The office staff at Memorial is great! Let’s just get this out of the way first. Earlier, I mentioned two fears that I had going to the appointment.

#1 The fear that my weight may have increased.

#2 The fear that the surgery would not get approved.

***NOW SEE THE FAVOR OF GOD***

Not only had I gone from 615lbs to 595lbs, but because of the insurance that I have, the surgery is an automatic approval because of my BMI!!!! I have actually lost 20lbs since the last time that I weighed. That amazed me. I was so glad to see that! Dr Sass came and immediately began to describe the types of surgeries and the process. He was really cool. He took his time, answered any questions that Deb and I had and was just really patient. Then I found out why. He reached under my chart and pulled out HIS personal BEFORE/AFTER photos!!! He had the surgery done in 2005. He’s 1 ½ yrs out from surgery and he looked great. Looking at him, you could never tell that he was ever that big. He started out about 250lbs, but he is a short, so that was a lot of weight on his small frame. He also told me that he thinks I will lose at least 100lbs in the first 3 MONTHS!!  

I almost lost it when he said that! I have never lost so much weight in my life. Definitely not that fast! I started thinking. If I have the surgery by September, by the end of December, I could be down by 100lbs! In clothes, that would take me from a 7X to a 4X automatically!! I could begin shopping anywhere I wanted!! Most places now have a Big & Tall Section that goes to at least 5X. Hell, JCPenny’s and Kmart carry up to a 5X now! Hahaha! I haven’t been able to buy clothes there since I was 12 yrs old! HAHAHA! While he was looking at my chart and going over the info with me, he noticed that my insurance was Anthem BlueCross and not BCBST of TN. He said, “Oh wow! You have Anthem! You’re automatically approved!! Anthem’s policy says as long as your BMI is over 40, you’re automatic! My current BMI is 74.

            I could not be happier right now. I have my Psych eval today with Dr Brannan and my nutritional class 7-9-07 at 8:30am. The first steps have been taken and I am on my way!!!