NoEscape21

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So I haven't been on here in forever. For the most part  I was doing great for over two years. I hadn't lost anymore but I'd maintained 180 and was damn proud of it. My cousin even went and got the sleeve and while she is doing even better than me (she was 220 as opposed to my 260 when she started) I still felt good about my loss and maintenance.

And then my aunt, the person who has been my inspiration for getting myself healthy and taking care of myself, the person who has been like a mother to me and who has been very ill for 10 plus years, got much worse. It started toward the end of August, and after 9 weeks in the hospital she passed away toward the end of October.

I think I was in shock at first. I was upset and numb, but thought I was handling it. I wasn't. in the time since I've ballooned up 20 lbs and am right back at 200. While it isn't as bad as I was before it's heading that way.  After some serious soul searching and an emotional week I ordered a month of medifast. It sucks because I feel like I failed. I know the only way to truly fail is to stop trying so I'm keeping my chin up. I feel absolutely out of control and I haven't really felt like that in the time since my surgery...until now. Just proves this will be a life long thing to deal with--surgery or not.

With Medifast, i've done it before with decent success, but I'm also going to look at treatment for depression and/or grief. I know a large part of my depression is related to my weight, but it also is a factor in why I gain and eat emotionally. Anyway so that's all. Keeping my head above water as best as I can. Going to be back on here more I expect.

It has honestly been a long time since I have been on here. I didn't mean to just drop off OH and my wls blog but it happened. Life happened. In a good way though, I am super busy between work, roller derby practice, and hanging with friends. I am now below 200 lbs, sitting at 195 and on track to hit my next goal of 180 sometime in November.

I am happier and i feel so much better. I am simply amazed at the difference that only 5 months has made.

In 5 months I have lost 70 lbs

Dropped from size 24 to 16

I've gained energy and started doing things I was afraid to.

I never thought I would join a roller derby team...but after 5 months, I have.

I never thought I would finish writing a novel, but in 5 months I found the drive to.

I never thought I would look in the mirror and see this girl again.

but in 5 months, she is back, happy and feeling prettty happy with herself.

I know, I know I am still in "honeymoon" with my sleeve, but I am taking full advantage of it, working my but off and getting moving. It is definitely paying off.  

 I uploaded a vid of my barium swallow, as well as a video of my trip to Tijuana, complete with pics from the hospital etc. Check em out!

 
Also, same thing but here is my first post op vlog!

So now that we are out of the hospital I figured it would be a good time to write a bit more about the last few days. So after quite a bit of traveling, from Orlando to LAX then to San Diego, we were picked up by Alberto the driver and taken into Tijuana. They were running behind so I didn't go straight to the hospital. Instead my coordinator took me to her hotel room , so I got to see the hotel I would be at today.   The hotel is very nice and comfortable, though admittedly I am having trouble getting comfy to take a nap.   Anyways, So finally they were ready for me. I get taken to the INT Hospital, am prepped for surgery and get all my pre-op testing done. After they finish testing, I was left in my room with Madi to wait while they got results back and prepped everything else. I broke down and cried, feeling bad that I have gotten to this point of needing the surgery to begin with. (This is normal I think though). Dr. Rodriguez came in and was so nice and kind and put my at ease.
Shortly after, the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, then it was off to surgery. Surgery went well according to the Dr and was very text book procedure. When I came to though I was nauseated and in pain and quite fussy with everyone, though honestly I don't remember most of this. The next day however was much better. I still needed pain and nausea meds but I could walk around just fine and felt much better. I have since been tolerating first ice chips then fluids quite well. Later that day they did my barium swallow and it came out successful , no leaks!   Last night I had some trouble sleeping but overall any pain or discomfort was handled quickly by the staff. Today they released me and I am now at the hotel relaxing. Madi is finally getting sleep on a decent bed instead of the little bench they have in your room. I am feeling very upbeat and happy I did this today. I feel like I did the right thing for myself and have no gained some power back over my life. It won't always feel easy I am sure, but I think that this was the best decision I made for my life right now.   I have uploaded pics from both the hospital and the drive into TJ on flickr, so you can check them out here  !

But this is proof...

Two months to go! I finally braved up and started my vlog :D

Here is my lil introduction and rambling.

I am not sure if its the whole PMS thing rearing its ugly head once again but I feel scared about surgery the past few days. I think positive and tell myself that the surgery itself will go fine but I still get scared about complications...

When someone posts on the forum about a complication they had it terrifies me though...because it can happen. But I am going to be brave, use positive imagery, whatever have to. I have done my research...my doctor can do this and if I do have a complication he is capable of fixing it.

My other big fear is the after effects of surgery, aside from the positive one of being able to get down to my goal weight. Extra skin... loss of elasticity. What if I get down to goal only to have a bunch of extra skin hanging off of me? Sure I will be healthier but...I want to look nice.

I know that the main area of concern is my tummy and boobs... I am not too worried about my arms, and legs or even my butt. Maybe I have youth on my side. I am just turned 26 in November... I dont know. :(

I need to accept that this could be an issue, because I do not want to back down from my decision to have weight loss surgery. I have been doing some research, some reading and while it may suck when I see myself naked, at the very least I can work my ass off to build up muscle and tone up whatever I can for 2 years after reaching goal... and then if it IS bad... I will save up and I will have plastic surgery. I am only allowing myself that for my boobs and tummy if it really is an issue... If I still have a small pooch I think I can live with that though. In fact, regardless I need to accept and love myself... with or without imperfections or ones that could occur.

Maybe that is even more scary than what could happen after surgery. Truly accepting yourself and loving yourself is to me, probably an even harder task than choosing to do this surgery.

Jenn

I posted this on my blogspot blog ,but thought I would post here as well...


Most of us women can tell when "that time" is coming. For me its glaringly obvious...and usually not only to myself but my husband...and probably everyone else. When PMS hits, it takes no prisoners. Sometimes I am just extra irritable, other times I am a sob factory.

Yesterday I was the latter. I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, and sad. Granted it may be completely valid to feel those feelings now, but they came out in a bucket of tears yesterday. I am still hunting for a second job and a bit frustrated by that fact, and crossing my fingers that something happens soon, Part of me feels a little overwhelmed with working 2 jobs. I know plenty of people do that, but considering I am not in the best of shape, a very physical second job is going to suck. I am still hoping to hear back from one work at home job anyways.

I am scared that I am not going to be able to do this...to get the weight off...or that I am going to cause such a financial strain by having the surgery in the first place. My husband has told me otherwise and has been nothing but supportive with me getting surgery. But all the worries that sit in the back of my head came through the flood gate yesterday along with other things that had been weighing on my mind.

However one good thing came out of all of this yesterday. I didn't reach for food to comfort me. Sure I had food, but not when I was crying...not because I was upset. For me this felt like an awesome victory! I suppose it helps that the whole weekend I have had supportive people that I love surrounding me, people that want nothing but for me to succeed. But this victory was ALL ME!

I found a great vlog on youtube from a girl that had previously gotten surgery in Tijuana (different doctor) and she said something that totally clicked and MADE sense to me.

Eating is your security blanket when you are a binge eater...when you get this surgery you are taking away your security blanket.

She was talking about how people pick up crossover addictions when they don't deal with their emotional binge eating issues, and also about how you can gain the weight back after surgery if you DON'T make permanent changes to your relationship with food.

So even before I step foot on my flight to San Diego, or before I cross the border into Mexico... the brain surgery is starting now! I'm going to continue to change my relationship with food for the better and celebrate each and every victory over my addiction to it. It will no longer be my crutch!

That's all for now. FYI the WLS support group meet up is tonight. I am still going to try and make it... I will report back tomorrow on how it went!

Jenn