Nichole N.

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The weight loss is slowing down, but my body is still making incredible changes! I still have another 30-50 pounds I would like to lose. I need a fill ridiculously and plan on getting one as soon as I can afford it. They're not free anymore. :( Anyway, I'm in a size 16/18 in pants and an XL in tops. I'm definitely not where I would like to be, but I'm also definitely not where I was! I'm soooo thankful for this surgery and the way it has changed my life. :) Here are some comparison photos: before AND current photos.

Here are some current photos!

Wow. What a crazy, unpredictable, amazing, and difficult year it has been! I did it! I made my goal of losing 100 pounds the first year. I literally made the goal on the VERY day of my bandiversary. The last ten pounds came off more because of stress than anything else, but I'll take it, that's for sure. I'm giving myself the next year to lose the rest of my weight. My goal is to get to 175, but I think I will be happy to just get under 200 pounds. I'm 237 today, so I think a year to lose 40-60 pounds is reasonable.

The last six months have been THE most difficult months of my entire life. Lots of trials and tribulations. It's still not over just yet. A flare up of severe anxiety and depression has kept me from being able to fully enjoy my progress, but I refuse to lie down and die. I won't stop fighting this battle or the weight loss battle. I have dealt with some degree of anxiety and depression issues for the last ten years, and I do not think it's coincidence that a massive flare up came once my pacifier of food was taken away. I never realized how much I used food as a drug until it was gone from my life. Of course, it's not like I've stopped eating, but I have stopped binging simply because my band won't allow it, and it's been quite an adjustment getting used to the whole thing. An inability to binge is exactly what I wanted. I needed to stop in order to save my life and lose the weight. It's obviously working, but I had NO idea exactly what I was getting myself into when I started this process. Despite what it may sound like, I do not regret the decision to have WLS in the least. I needed to address these issues. I needed to face my fears; and as difficult as this may be for me, it is indeed a blessing in disguise. It is an opportunity for me to become healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. That is ultimately what I wanted from this process. My prayers are being answered, just not the way I thought or would have planned for myself. God knows better than I though, and I am hanging on to that with all I have within me.

Even though it has been a difficult season, it has also been a year full of little and big victories, tears of joy, blessings, support, and healing. I have not weighed this little since high school! I think I'm actually a little smaller than I was in high school, and that is truly amazing. I went from 337 pounds to 237 pounds, a size 28/30 to a size 20, and many, many inches lost; all in one year! Incredible! In spite of everything, I am so proud of what I've accomplished with the help of this tool and everyone on this site. I have made some great friends here, some of which I know will be life long friendships. If you are reading this, thank you, and best of luck to you wherever you are on your journey! Here is to another succesful (and hopefully easier) year!

Below is a comparison picture from before WLS and today. I didn't realize how tight my shirt was until I saw these photos. Lol. Oh well. Enjoy!




 

So I thought I would blog a bit about my frustrations. I'm STILL down 90 pounds. It's almost like my body just got comfortable at my current weight (247 pounds). I was so stoked to get under 250. I couldn't believe it when it actually happened. I haven't been BELOW 250 since high school. I got to 250, 251, 252 in 2005 and stayed there for about a week. Lol. I actually got down to 243 about a month ago, but I was going through a very difficult time and didn't have an appetite at all for about two weeks. Well, I've perked up since, and I'm back to the 247-250 range. I want so badly to be down 100 pounds by May 16th (my one year bandiversary). That was my goal when I started this process, but at this point it doesn't look like it's going to be happening. :( I had a too tight fill a couple months back that really scared me. I think I have always been EXTREMELY cautious when getting fills because my biggest fear is being too tight and losing my band. I mentioned in my last blog that I was going to try to stop chasing the "sweet spot" and practice self control...well...I'm reminded of why I got the band in the first place. Self control has never been my strong suit. That's why I needed this tool. I have been debating whether or not to get a fill the last few weeks. Some days it seems like I'm tighter than I should be, but those days are few and far between. Most days I'm able to eat much more than I should, and of course I take advantage and do it, so I decided to get a fill. I go in tomorrow. I'm hoping restriction will be good and that this fill will kick start my weight loss again and help me to get closer to my goal.

I have to admit, losing weight with this band has been relatively easy so far. I'm beginning to wonder if the honeymoon is over. Sometimes it just feels like this is where the journey ends. Perhaps I'm not capable of losing anymore weight. That's kind of where I'm at tonight with my thoughts. It's an awful place to be. I need to lose at LEAST another 60 pounds, and for some reason I feel like I did at the beginning of this journey. It seems like those 60 pounds are going to be so much more difficult than the 90 to get rid of. I don't know why I'm whining. Those 90 pounds have made a big difference in my life, and I'm so thankful for every single one of them being gone, but I can relate with what Kristin said on the Biggest Loser the other night when she said that some people BEGIN their journey at this weight. It's true. I'm still the fat girl. Unfortunately, I let myself get so big that losing 90 pounds doesn't change that. And while I'm having this pity party, let me just say that it's also very frustrating that after losing 90 pounds I'm still in a size 22. Some people my weight are in 16's. How does that work? I'm able to squeeeeze into some 20's, but I'm basically a 22 and I hate it. I am DYING to have a 1 in front of my size number. I don't even need a single digit size number... I just want a 1 to be in front, and I'm still not there. Ugh. I just feel discouraged. I know exactly what I need to do. I need to make better food choices and I need to exercise, yet I don't do either. I take that back. I make really good food choices a lot- just not enough. I know I need to be exercising, but I have NEVER really liked it. That hasn't changed just because I've lost weight. Lol. Actually, I'm really looking forward to spending a significant amount of time in the pool this summer. That sounds like fun to me, and it really is good exercise.

After all this blabbing, I guess my prayer is simply that I don't want this to be the end of the journey for me. I really hope that this is just another plateau that I will bust through.

This transformation...this process...this journey... is so beautiful. It's amazing in so many different ways. But it is also very taxing. It's hard mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. For me, it has been like being stripped of a costume in front of an audience, being asked to remove the mask, the make-up, the clothing, etc. and explain the most intimate, naked, and vulnerable parts of myself. It's like I'm on the outside looking in saying things like "oh, so THAT's who's in there." And, "where did you get that scar? It looks like it hurt." It seems like it should be a freeing process, and I think one day it will be, but for now I feel like maybe I bit off a little more than I could chew. No pun intended. Being at the a-little-over-halfway-point is an interesting place to be. It's amazing considering all that has been accomplished, but it can be discouraging and overwhelming to think of the road that is still ahead. I hope I get there. God, I want to get there. Maybe this stall is a blessing in disguise. Perhaps I need this time to assess...to reflect on my success thus far, and prepare for the home stretch. I still cannot imagine life on the other side of obesity. It still seems so incredibly foreign to me, but I'm so encouraged watching the journeys of others who have done it, and it gives me hope. It gives me hope that maybe I can be the inspiration someone else needs some day. Maybe months from now I'll be at goal and someone will be going through the same thing and read this. Who knows? One thing I know for sure is that I would rather take on this challenge, even if it hurts, than be 337 pounds again. There is nothing more painful than that. I thank God for the work He has started in me, and I have to believe that it will not go unfinished!

10 months out- down 90 pounds.

Well, as you can see, it has been a slow 3 months. I have only lost 13 pounds in the last 3 months. I plateaud for about 2 months straight. The weight loss has definitely slowed down, but I'm still losing, and I'm losing inches so I'm at peace about it. After a too-tight fill, I decided to stop chasing the "sweet spot" and practice a little self control. My band is so finicky. The last fill I had was at the beginning of February. The first week I was at the perfect restriction. The following two weeks I was too loose, and now this last week I am a little too tight. I have decided to embrace the days I am not able to eat much. It helps get the scale moving again.

I'm not at the gym much anymore. I suppose I got burned out by it. I realized that I just simply do not like going to the gym. I have been much more active in my daily life though. I love just taking walks with friends and family, taking my dog on little hikes, and doing random work out acts wherever I'm at; whether it's an ab work out, running up and down stairs, or push ups. I can't wait to get down some more weight so I can enroll in a dance class. I think I would really enjoy that. I have learned that I have to do things I enjoy and can stick to in order to remain active and burn calories.

I have absolutely fallen in love with cooking. It's one of my favorite things to do now. I am getting really good at it. I have found that it is very therapeutic for me. Because of this new found love, I have found that I rarely eat out anymore. Fast food practically doesn't exist in my life and restaraunts are exiting the picture too. I never thought I would be anything other than a fast food junkie. It's amazing how much my life has changed these last 9 months.

Anyway, overall I feel and look so much better. Below is a picture of my progress so far:

What an incredible 6 months it has been! It's crazy to think that 6 months has gone by already, but it has, and I'm so thankful for everything I've experienced so far. I'm down 72 pounds, nearly 4 dress sizes, and who knows how many inches! My life is already incredibly different than it was 6 months ago. I'm more active, more confident, healthier, and happier! I've got awesome restriction and have for the last few months. It's unbelieveable how much less I eat now than I did before surgery, and how little food it takes to satisfy me. My tastes have changed since surgery simply because I can't tolerate a lot of the foods that I used to eat and love. I don't miss them though, and I never thought I would be able to say that. I'm just not infatuated by food anymore. It doesn't "woo" me like it used to. Lol. I still enjoy it and love it, but it has a healthy balance in my life now.

This journey has been hardest so far mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It's tough finding other ways to cope with life's circumstances when all I've ever done was use food. It's also difficult learning how to see myself as thinner. I still see myself at 337 pounds regardless of what friends, family, pictures, etc. say. It takes a long time for the mind to catch up with the body! Regardless, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I can't wait to see what the next 6 months has in store!

Here is a comparison picture of me before surgery vs. now:

I figured it was time for an update. I usually update after every fill, but time just got away from me. My last fill was September 17th. I was concerned for a bit that it may have been too tight. I couldn't eat much the first few weeks. I found myself sliming a lot and even throwing up a few times. I had to really practice eating SLOWLY and taking SMALL bites. That was the only way I was able to eat anything comfortably. I notice that when I eat and something isn't "going down" easily, I get pain in my upper back and it feels like I need to burp but can't. Then I will often start sliming. Sometimes it takes anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes before the pain passes and I can begin eating again. I asked the PA at the Dr.'s office and she said it's probably gas from swallowing too much air while eating. She said that's a sign of eating too fast and taking too big of bites. Go figure. Anyway, it seems like there is a new learning curve with every fill. After a while of not being able to eat much, I found myself gravitating towards softer foods that I knew would go down easier. The problem with that is that a lot of soft foods are high in calories and fat. It wasn't until a few days ago that I was finally at what I consider to be my sweet spot. I'm able to eat solid foods and keep them down without pain, sliming, or vomiting, but there is a definite limit to what I am able to consume. Last night for dinner I had Mexican food. I ate a small cheese enchilada and a few bites of beans and rice, and I was full. I hope to keep this type of restriction from here on out, but we all know how finicky our bands can be. I find it can vary from week to week or even day to day. I'm always trying new things and learning to embrace the days that I can't eat much. Although sometimes it can be very frustrating, I have realized the weight loss is totally worth every bit of frustration.

I'm still plugging away at the gym. I'm genuinely loving it. I remember reading people's profiles before I had surgery, and I would read about all these people going to the gym and getting active. I would think to myself, "move on and read the next profile because I have NO intentions of being in the gym, therefore my success will be very different from theirs." Yet here I am in the gym 3 to 4 days a week and loving it. Even when I don't see the scale dropping numbers, I can see that I'm getting smaller. My body is taking an entirely new shape. It's so cool to be able to see the changes in my body even when my scale seems to not be moving. I find myself wanting to become more active in other areas of my life as well. I'm doing things I would never have done before. Suddenly I don't mind if someone suggests we walk somewhere. I often suggest walking! I actually enjoy taking my dog outside and walking her or playing with her. I'm even trying to get a group of friends together to get out one night a week and play sports. It's amazing.

Other than that, I definitely have more confidence in every aspect of my life. I look better, I feel better, I AM better...in many different ways. I think I'm finally beginning to see that this is a new way of life, and it won't stop here. I think I may actually just get ALL this weight off! The weight loss is slowing down a bit, but there is NO doubt in my mind that if I will just continue to do what I'm doing. I will not fail. I cannot fail. Anyway, I will post new pics for my six month bandiversary in November. Here's to keeping on keeping on!

So August 16th was my 3 month bandiversary! I weighed myself that day and I am down 47 pounds! Wow! I never imagined I would have lost nearly 50 pounds in 3 months. I have to admit the first 2 & 1/2 months were pretty easy. I didn't change much in terms of what I was eating. I was still eating the same crap, just smaller amounts of it... until I hit a six week plateau. I knew I was going to have to do more if I wanted to continue to lose at a decent pace. I started making better choices, and my 3rd fill made things easier. I really love the restriction I am at right now. I will probably go a little tighter next time I go in, but not much. I also started back at the gym last week. I have a few friends who have been meeting me on their lunch break, and it has been really awesome. I have been doing 20 to 30 minutes of cardio and then about a half hour of strength training. I love that I have been sore for two weeks now. It lets me know I'm really making a difference! I can hardly believe I am in the gym. I have more confidence in myself already. This lap band has shown me that change is possible. Success is possible. We have to work for it, but it sure does help to have this tool. I feel extremely blessed.

One of the most awesome things I have learned in the last month or so is that they sell individually wrapped chicken breasts and fish at the store. All I have to do whenever I am hungry is thaw it out and cook it up! Easy! It's perfect because I get full, and it's a perfect source of protein. I never used to cook or really even go to the store. My whole life has been spent eating out and getting fast food. I know it sounds so stupid, petty, and even a bit of a no brainer... but it has changed my eating habits in a big way. Other than that, all my clothes are really starting to hang on me. I went and bought a few new things. Just a few though...I won't be in them for long! Anyway... here is a picture of my progress so far:

  

P.S. I don't normally wear cowboy hats... I was being silly ;)

I had my 2nd fill yesterday. It went much easier and quicker than my first one. She put in 0.8 cc's and said that was considered "agressive." We'll see if she's right. I now have 4.7 cc's in my band. I made my next appt for 3 weeks instead of 4 because I'm hoping to get to my sweet spot sometime before the next millennium. Other that that, I've lost 37 pounds as of 2 or 3 weeks ago, and now I'm stalled. I don't know if I have hit a plateau, or if this is my body's way of saying "look, you're going to have to try harder and stop eating like a cow just because you can." The first 30 pounds were simple. Now I think I'm going to have to step it up a bit. I haven't started exercising yet. I'm sure that would help bust me through this wall, but I'm just not feeling it yet. Ugh. How unmotivated and whiney do I sound right now? I really would just like some decent restriction and for the Lap-band Fairy to sprinkle some motivation dust on me or something. I've been eating like a total heifer and allowing old habits to creep back up on me. I hate food addiction. It seriously is the devil... I've been stretching my band to its limit. How dumb can one person be? I'm right at the 300 pound mark and I wonder if this new territory that I am about to embark upon is sub-consciously causing me to self-sabatoge. Dumb. I guess self control and discipline never were my forte. Let's hope and pray that my next update is filled with a good attitude and more weight loss.