niterun

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This morning I thought I would have a hard boiled egg for breakfast.  Easy protein, nice change and it is soft.  Good choice, bad delivery.  I was wandering around the house, getting ready for appointment with PCP and not thinking about eating.  I don't know if I did it to fast, or took a bite to big; but it quickly became a battle.   It was in and I knew in a millisecond that it was wrong...wrong....WRONG!  That thing stopped,  slid over to the left side on my breast bone and GREW!  At least it felt like it was growing.  I still have chest air bubbles when I wake up, but this was so much more.  It took about 4 minuets of really deep breaths and pacing, then a small sip of water and it passed.  I will never again put anything in my mouth without thought.  I had already realized that I still don't chew enough yet, but I had been really working on it until this morning.  If that is what happens when you don't chew, I hope to never experience it again. 

I feel that I have been doing well with this.  I am down 28lbs from my last visit to PCP so I am happy.  I am worried about the next few weeks,   I can tell I am a weak soul and Hot Wings smell really good to me.  My husband is an eater, food has always been a link for us; we talk at the table, laugh and plan.  Hope he doesn't think I can't talk if I can't eat.  Anyway to deal with the crazy, and my probable lost of relationship with Prime Rib, I will be hanging a very large picture of a cow in my family room.  That way I can spend time with my favorite thing without breaking a rule. 

SAVE A COW, RIDE A COWBOY!!!  

Here starts the honesty!  I just can't do only mushie veggies.  My body won't let me.  Chicken runs down the road, jumps in front of my car,; BANG HIT KILL.  So now I must take it home and cook it  cause you can't waste a good chicken!   Grill it throw 3 oz  in the processor and pulse for a few secs.  Lite mayo, just a dab, and you got crazy chicken salad, hey I'm happy now. Still fell bad for the chicken.  Next day in the pantry, can of Tuna (in water) falls on my foot, can't let bully Tuna stay here.  That lite mayo again and it's history, or at least lunch.  I don't think I have done anything wrong,; all could be mashed with fork and I added a couple of broccoli florets.  Now the leftover chicken is mad, so I get a little, pull out processor and some onion, dig out a mini red potato. Cube that puppy, few minutes on the stove and mash.  The processor mix goes on the stove and is sauteed quickly with spray oil, half a bullion cube, 1/4 c of water and seasonings, simmer for 4 minuets.  I poured this over potato and I got mouth joy once again.  I can do this as long as stuff keeps attacking me

Well all I had the surgery on the 9th.  With all my fear of what might happen, it went well.  I was out of bed almost as soon as they bought me out of recovery.  A few ice chips, checking to make sure the heart was beating and off to do the upper GI test.  I swallowed, it flowed and I was a go.  I was  able to walk some, bought clear broth for lunch, when the first few sips stayed down nurse order full liquid.  Van. CIB, no problems and I even got jell-o for dinner!  I had no pain, slept on my left side.  nurse said she wouldn't wake me if I let her know when I planned to go to sleep so she could check my vitals, and when I woke (because I would), she would check again.  She was right but I went right back to sleep with a potty trip.  I stepped on the scale Tues. morning to find that fluids had  taken me up to 227 lbs., I went in at 216 lbs.  Off to home  (hour & half away) after lunch, I have an ON-Q med system in place, no problems in car.  I sipped going home, rested and had a shake.  This went down well and I was able to head out to pool league as usual, no pain.  Spent the night keeping score and sipping hot  tea.  Of course when it takes and hour it ain't hot no more.  Another good night of sleep...until gas woke me with a vengeance!! First was just a touch, sat on side of bed, walked down the hall, back and it was gone.  Slumber land again, doing good and it hit.  I was up on my knees in shock!! Never thought it would be like that.  Felt like I swallowed a ping pong ball!!  Walk, breath deep, walk, breath.......hey, I'm not dead.  Back to sleep until about 8:30. 

Wed. finds me felling really good so I take it as a good sign and make my CIB.  An hour and a half later it's almost untouched, I can't get that stuff down.  I don't want it, I don't want to try and I don't care.  Gave up and went to ice chips for the funky mouth taste.  Little after noon I have some homemade chicken broth, better results.  Soft stool and it makes me happy. Still NO PAIN!!!!   Dinner shake goes down well and I feel superhuman.  Off to pool.  My ON-Q is empty and I got to take it out just before bed, no problem.

Thurs is uneventful.  I have tired of the shakes and I want something with taste...answer is EGG DROP SOUP!!  Good night and I played pool, won one, lost one.  No matter I felt good.  No pain slept well, gas is there when I wake, simple move of my leg and it starts up my chest.  STOP! BREATH!  Sit on edge and slow deep breath.  Gas-X isn't working on this because it is the pumped in stuff (I think).

Fri. goes well, most of the swelling and bloating are coming down.  Husband and daughter have pizza, and I don't care. I have really high hopes for tomorrow.  I am so wrong.

I wake on Sat. feeling not right but not sick.  I struggle with breakfast and I am light headed and weak feeling in both arms.  I rest for 10 try it again.  This happens for about 2 hours and I am shocked because I haven't been resting during the day.  I was quick to take my BP meds, I didn't even cut that thing cause I wanted all of it.  Got the vitamin in quick too, also had a protein bullet.  It passed after some time and just didn't get the stuff done I had hoped.  This became test night.  Husband wanted to go to Vinny's for dinner and didn't want to go alone.  No problem I said.  Slid into my size 18 jeans (has been 2 years since they fit) and a sweater that I haven't been able to wear in over 4 years.  No makeup but I got a "Damn, you look good!"   I didn't even loose my mind that I couldn't eat with him.  He was happy that I went with him and wasn't angry about not eating.

Today is number 6 and I am still not hungry and pushing to get everything in.  Adding powdered non fat  milk for extra protein

MUSHIES TOMORROW!!!!!

Spent most of this weekend in the pool hall, very limited in food options.  I did call ahead and ask if I could do my "drinks", they were very understanding, offered me plastic cups so you couldn't tell what I was drinking.  Had to bring in my own skim milk, but it was OK.   I couldn't do my sandwich with the 4oz. of lean meat so I did a small house salad with some grilled chicken.  Last night when I closed out with a CIB and a smoothie, my tummy went balistic!!!  First time and I have been on the pre-op since Mon.  I am very proud that I passed up the wings, cheesecake, and the burgers I usally go for.  Didn't even have a coke!!!

Fourth day of the pre-op and my arm is still on!!!   I don't even want to chew it off.  The drinks are going down well, but the dang sandwich will do me in soon.  I know it's the Wheat bread, taste is rough to me.  Today I even got back to the gym for about an hour of work with the bike and treadmill, did a little work on the arms and legs. My inner thighs are NOT swimwear ready, may never be but I will work anyway.  Today I weighed in at 222.5 lbs. very happy with that.  I have a pool tournament this weekend and it will be hard to stick with the diet but I let them know I have special needs and they will do what they can to help. 

Monday, tomorrow is the jump off point for me.  Liver shrink, it sounds so nasty, I understand the reason and I want to do whatever will help the surgery go well  It shouldn't be to bad, I get a sandwhich for dinner. and I have been sampling the CIB so I am ready if the high Protein Slimfast doesn't do me in.  I want to do pics tomorrow so I can track all this, but I don't know yet.  I am surprised but I am nervous, really nervous.  If a little shift in food makes me feel like this, I can't help but wonder how the night before surgery will be. 

Stay tune for the next change.

Today I am in a mood.  No half way here --- total **tch!  I finally went to the Y when I said I would go.  No messing around I got up and went.  It's been a while so the plan was to just do about 20-30 minuets of walking on the treadmill and ease back into a light workout.  Well,  I go there and the "skinny ones" were out.  Not a single tread was free, two of the 100's were working with their trainer and running like the devil was chasing them and whining about the 3 ounces they had gained with music playing.  The trainer would jump off to give encouragement while they giggled.  I wanted to shout "GET OUT"!!  Let those who need it work.  These are the people who have keep me out for years.  It doesn't help that the so called staff offers no help, in the few times I have been there not one has ever asked if  I needed help with equipment.  They stand around an chat.  I got about 15 minuets on the bike and just left in tears.  Today,I want to hurt somebody.

Y'all I got through the day, didn't gain 5lbs. and my husband isn't mad because I did eat "some" of his traditional gift.  In our 30 plus years together Hershey's Kisses are the official gift Valentine's Day and Chocolate Covered Cherries mean that Christmas holiday has started.

Today I will find how I handle stress, am I an emotional eater"  My grandson has been taken into ER.  He has some medical issues and this happens often.  Always it is a nail bitter and I am to far away t hold him or his mom like I want to.  I hope that my nerves won't fail me here and let me get through the day without wrecking all I've done so far.

Pool in a couple of hours and my mood is good. Plans for the gym tomorrow.

In accordance with Irene, the office manager, I now have 23 days to surgery; this has not yet been confirmed in writing. 

I am being different from most and not giving any thoughts to the past, what I did or didn't get done.  It's all about what happens next, starting with this moment in time.  I know how much I love my family, and how much I love myself.  I am giving this all over to God and His wisdom, and I believe that He will give me what I need to make this journey, use the tool and make it work.  

Several weeks ago I started to make some changes, gave up (almost) the really sweet tea that I downed daily, cut back on portions and started to go to the gym.  Some of that ain't flowing right just yet but there is tomorrow.  Next I worked on cutting some more "stuff" and hoping that it would work.  About a week ago I really concentrated on what I ate.  I am doing a modified liquid diet of my own just to test the waters.  I don't want to get to the pre-op diet and want to chew off limbs or beat people up just for looking at me!!

The start is good, I have lost 14lbs. without to much time at the gym.  This gives me hope that with more gym time, more weight will come off.  I am very happy that I am not overly evil and I still have a small amount of control.  My husband is still alive, but I am going to have to erase the Pizza Hut and Domino's number from his cell.  (He will never look them up!)  I feel good and I am sleeping better. 

Then there is tomorrow.....................................