nanyn
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
I would have to say that my problem with food began at a very young age. My parents were only together till I was about 4 years old. By then my eating habits were already in shammbles thanks to my father, who insisted on sitting me down with him for snacks. About an hour after lunch, he would come home from work and have me sit down with him and eat loads of guayaba paste and monteray jack cheese. This is cuban snack usually a dessert had after meals. Well I was really only about 3 years old. My eating habits were ruined. My grandmother would be very careful about eating good, till my taste buds were loaded with the sugar and the cheese. From this point on I always wanted to snack. Sugar was a really bad problem. It made stricken with tantrums. My parents relationship was bad from the beginning and it was only getting worse. My father was extremly abusive pshysically and mentally. It was taking it's toll on my mother and grandmother, and I'm sure it was affecting me as well. Sometime during the summer of 74' my mother did the best thing she could have ever done. She left my father. We moved away. Funny thing is that I never missed him. I was only 4 years old. But even at that age I had to of known we left cause of his temprer. My eating habits got worse and it started showing. Since moving away from my father my mother rented a two bedroom for my grandmother myself and my older brother (from my mothers prev. marriage). He was about 17 years older than me, and had a zero tolerance to weight issuses. I was teased all the time. When driving around with my bother, if we passed by the Farmer Johns slaughter house he would tell me that Mom had bought me from there and that if I misbehaved or overate I would have to be returned and later used as bacon. I still hate pigs to this day. Life wasnt easy and food made me feel good. I would eat as much as I could when no one was looking. My brother for years would tease me about my weight, forever ingnoring the fact that he was such a big part of making things worse.
I have never been skinny. Never participated in any sports. Never really dated. Never joined any clubs in school. Elementary and Junior High were the worst. the teasing and the inadequacy was really bad. I had few close friends. My best friend was also very overweight. We stuck together like glue. We were eachothers safety blankets. High school was better. Lane Bryant already had stores, so dressing alittle better made me feel a little better. I kinda made peace with my weight. I was always dieting. Tyring to loose weight was a way of life. But I grew accostomed to my weight and made the most of it.
my adult life,well I've still gone without so much. I had a boyfriend for about 9 years. Who I clung to out of my own insecurity. Whats gotten worse over the years is my health and my sence of accomplishments. I just dont feel worthy of any good. Upon first impressions you might not get this from me right away cause I'm always laughing, I'm very charming, funny, clever, compasionate. And I know I'm ATTRACTIVE! I do work what I have. But the package is askew. My weight and the internal image I have of myself is battered. Its taken me many failed attempts at trying to loose weight and dieting to know that a further step had to be taken. All the fad diets, jenny craige, weight Watchers, Herbalife, Phen-fen, Hydroxycuts, Compulsive Eaters Annonymous, L.A Weightloss, and tons of other stuff I've tried have never had any real results. The problem is not what I've tried the problem is my relationship with food. I SOLVES EVERYTHING. It has never rejected me, Its always been there. It's been my double edge sword. It's defended me from my fears yet it's been the same cutting my throat.
In 2006, around the month of Febuary. I was going over my mail. And in was a Victoria Secrets Cataloge. I was looking through it, cause I love the torture of picking out stuff I would wear if I werent 370 pounds. Well here I am picking out outfits I would wear if I owned planet earth, right?! I found myself in the shoe section. I found these beautiful all sueade stilleto boots!!! AH DAMN IT!!!!! NOW IF i WERE SKINNY AND HAD THESE BOOTS! SHIT I WOULDN'T EVEN NEED ANY CLOTHES. ALL I WOULD NEED WAS A GREAT HAIR DAY AND THESE BOOTS. I SWEAR I WOULD WALK AROUND BUTT NAKED. Verbatem, this is what I really thought. These boots moved me. I love boots. I would love to wear these boots. I was in love. All these thoughts struck me in the face and soul. How could I be 34 years old and allow my weight to keep afflicting my true desires this way. A cascade of thoughts and questions followed. Why was I denying my self the opportunity of being happy. If I wanted to walk around naked in stilleto boots. then I should. At whatever cost. This was the day I woke up and decided that I wanted to meet Myself! I wanted to know who I was. I wanted to feel boundless. My THREE-HUNDRED AND SEVENTY POUNDS WERE MY ANCHOR. The shame of my weight has always made my feel as though I am not worthy of anything good. Well the Christina I have yet to meet KNOWS she is worthy!!!!!!
Currenty I have been APPROVED! I am in the process of completing PacifCares 6 months of coaching. I stay motivated and cannot wait for my surgery to take place.
