mreal

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I went for my 9 month follow up today and I have now lost 100 pounds.  I just find that number mind boggling.  It has truly  been worth the effort.  The PA said that I have lost 86% of my excess weight and that they tell people to expect  to lose 70% after two years.  So I guess I am ahead of the game.  I talked to her about my fear of gaining and she said just to watch portion size and exercise and I should be fine.  Well I hope I can keep doing that.  I wonder if I will ever feel confident about not gaining it back. 

Well I am now officially down 84 pounds and could not be happier.  My weight is kind of at a standtill but I figure that this is a weight my body is comfortable at because I spent alot of time at this weight in my life.  As much as I want to lose more if I didn't lose another pound I could be happy.  I am a wearing a size 12 and can buy clothes in a normal store.  I am no longer embarrassed about going out in public and feel great.  I am somewhat disappointed in myself becasue I am not excersing like I should and I am a firm believer that excersise is critical if I am going to keep this weight off.  Yet the last time I lost a significant amount of weight I used excersice as a way of being able to eat more and I do not want to fall in that trap again either.  I am working on striking a balance. 

I eat pretty much whatever I want.  I try to make healthy choices but the good news is if I want to indulge I can because my portions are so small.  It is very imporatnt to me to feel as though I am not dieting.  Diets always lead to binges and I want to get away from that cycle. 

I am scared to death that I will gain this back because I always have in the past.  All I can do is work at being the best I can be and hope for the best. 

I can't beleive I have let this go for so long.  I guess I have been busy trying to stay afloat with my new life.  I think I am lucky because physically I have had very few problems.  The mental adjustment has unfortunately not been as easy.  Surgery went well and their were no complications.  The first week home was tough because everything that went in seemed to go right out.  I really questioned my choice at the start but am now glad that I did it.  I promised myself I would not get obsessed with the scale but I blew it.  The thing is no matter how much weight you lose it is never enough.  I have lost 24 lbs and of course think it should be more.  Have I been the perfect WLS patient of course not but all I can do is try my best.  I also need to journal more but who has time...lol. 

I just was saved a week of torture and had my surgey moved up.  So much I did not get to do like write letters to my family.  I told them all how I feel and that if by chance something does go wrong just to believe that this was something I had to do and living in this body any longer is just not acceptable. 

I have never been so excited and scared at the same time.  I have faith in my surgeon and the hospital so I should be fine.  Oh well October 17 is now my second birthday. 

October 14, 2006 - 9 days pre-op

Ok so I am coming to the end of my first week of pre-op diet.  I am one of the lucky ones and do not have to do all liquids.  I am supposed to drink protein shakes all day and then have a healty dinner.  The scary thing is I can't even do that.  I have been pretty close but not perfect.  There is a part of me that says if I could do this I would not be having surgery.  Then there is the part that thinks I will be a total failure at surgery because I can't even eat right for 2 weeks.  Well thats me I guess black or white no gray.  I need to start seeing the gray.  This all or nothing thinking is my downfall.  Anyway thats another story.  I called the dr's office and they said just to do by best and not eat any junk.  I think I can do that.   I just hope that when the physical hunger goes away I will feel relieved and be able to work through the head hunger.  I just can't wait until next monday this pre-op diet and waiting is real tough.