lovelylisa6

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So, Ive become so anti social because of my weight, i get a lot of anxiety before I do anything socially.  My job involves a lot of public speaking, so I'm used to being the focus of attention, and I'm not embarrassed as much about myself in front of strangers or clients (don't get me wrong, not even a few seconds go by where I am not thinking to myself your huge), but its my friends that I just fell so big in front of (this is outside of my close circle of 2 - of which I will always feel cofortable with - love you joy & courtney!) .   Normally I stress myself out for weeks if I know I have to attend a social event (group camping, picnics, gatherings) that it takes a toll on my health.  Most time i put on my big girl panties and I just go, and I most of the time, I end of having a really good time. I always feel like people are judging me and staring at me, and most of the time they are.  Ive eaten myself into this bubble and each layer of fat is a layer of emotions I am not dealing with.  I have a treadmill in my front room, in front of a 42 in TV and I still don't use it.  I ever tried for two weeks just to walk 10 minutes a day and I felt better, but then i got sick and fell off the wagon.  I feel like anytime I try to start a regimen, something has to come and knock me off of my track.  I'm hoping with 20 or so pounds off me it will be a little easier to walk on my body.  My ankles are swollen most of the time and feet hurt constantly, but I am not doing anything to better myself.  I hope with my next doctor visit the surgery becomes more real and I start getting on the track to loosing an entire person.  I mean gosh, when you really do think about it, I weigh enough for two people.  That is so sad...

I see all of your stories and they are the only thing keeping me on track to believe this could work and happen for me.  All I want is a successful surgery with minimal complaints (or none) and a new healthier life.  I see so many of you have it.  You are all an inspiration to people like me starting this journey. 

Well wish me luck to be social, its a two night event with tons of partying ahead (I'm not much of a partier) but I think I might let loose and just enjoy the love and good company.  Life is short, isn't it?

I've had another weekend full of bad eating habits.  I am playing this mind game with myself now, one I am not familiar with.  I am scared that this is going to be the last time I ever get to eat______(fill in the blank) so I justify to myself the fact that I am going to indulge one last time.....I am not sure how my relationship with food has become more unhealthy as I already thought I hit rock bottom.  I keep telling myself when I see the surgeon, I will start making the necessary adjustments, but the honest half of me tells myself I am full of crap!!!   The restricted diet after surgery has been a very hard thing to swallow, and I am now think about it daily...  Is this normal???  

I do hope that with the surgery it forces me to have a different relationship with food. I hope that with the my first visit to the surgeon all of this becomes a little more real and I get my stuff together.  I went to my first support group meeting a couple of weeks ago and was amazed to see the stories and struggles everyone has been through.  I figure I will be one of those stories someday soon.   All I know is I am sick of being this way, being unhappy and unsocial.