Lori_Lee

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Well, it is back to work and into the routine along with that comes my old and dreaded acquaintance, Procrastination.  I wanted to write this BEFORE I returned… here I am in my third week back taping away at my keyboard.  My only defense is that life has been busy… good but busy.

So, where to start.  Here I am about 9 weeks out and life has started to set a nice pace for my new routine.  Currently I am 213.5 pounds, with 51.5 lost from the start of my weight on Opti at 265.  There are many new experiences but one of the strangest things is my lack of hunger and along with this my lack of interest in food.  I almost look at eating as an unwelcome intruder to my day.  Not to say that things don’t taste good or that I don’t enjoy some foods but for the quantity, effort in preparing it and possible comfortableness in eating it I would be happy just to leave it aside or eat things that are simple to make.  I think that is why I don’t mind eating at work so much.  I don’t stop working just munch away and ‘get the job done’ – the job being eating.  At home we set up the table, prepare the food blah blah blah – just for a bit of scraps on my plate, pain and discomfort and then I need to leave the table anyway if I am getting sick.   

This brings me to my next point, food pain.  Yes, I have pain when I eat but I don’t think it is from what I am eating but largely due to eating too fast or not chewing enough.  This along with my lack of interest makes the ritual of eating more of a chore. ‘Man, I have to eat again!?!!’  Not good when you don’t feel hunger.  Over the next few weeks I really need to take the time to cook and create new foods with flavor that I can enjoy.  Not that I want to enjoy like in the past – never again – but I do want to at least enjoy eating.  It seems the foods that cause me pain are chicken and dense meats.  As noted, I am not sure if this is the lack of chewing, dryness or what but I will have to make better note of it and monitor myself.  When this happens the food sits like a pit in my stomach.  I am not sure if I need to sit and wait through it but often I just want to get it out of me to stop the pain so I spit up the mouthful or two then 15 minutes later all is good.  I know, I have to closely monitor this so I don’t use this and it becomes a bulimic tool but the good thing is I hate puking.  I never thought that I would not enjoy food but here I am.  Some things I have tried, but shouldn’t… chips.  I can enjoy a few chips – have not gotten sick but more than a few and I start to feel it and can easily stop.  Fries, same thing for fries but I have only had maybe 3 or 4 at once.  Mayo – I thought I was going to have to live my life without my coveted condiment but, good or bad, I am able to eat a bit. Bacon – only had about one piece and so far it was ok.  So over all, it seems that fatty foods, within reasonable limitations I am able to tolerate.  I have not tried sugar yet and at this point am still too scared to try and honestly don’t have the desire.  I can happily pass by sugary items.  The only time I find it hard is when everyone else is enjoying something I am sitting there, I feel like I stick out, don’t belong.  I don’t want it but I do want to leave, so I sit and wait it out.  Eating is social and that sucks. 

So besides eating, or not wanting to but still doing it, what changes have I implemented into my routine.  The first and biggest is logging my food.  Using My Fitness Pal I track my food focusing largely on calories and protein.  My current goals are 650 calories daily and 65g of protein.   These are aggressive goals, I know, and for the most part I do hit them.  It does limit my ability to eat some things but my daily premiere protein helps me achieve it.  If I go over, no big deal but I do try not to.  I may reassess this again in August or September – the calories that is.  I don’t know how I would manage my eating without tracking.  Furthermore, I don’t know how anyone manages it without it.  The next stage in my evolution will be to get a Fitbit to link up to MFP and my movement.  Unfortunately, they are so backordered right now it is hard to find or I need to be patient… sigh.

Nice transition to my next evolutionary change is to start “purposeful moving and burning”   I joined a gym a few weeks ago and only did the bare minimum.  When I went for my one month I found out I was not 100% cleared to go and not cleared.  This included for Zumba… boo.  It has been a few weeks and I will start increasing me going and my intensity.  With that being said, Kat and Ryan are staying with the kids right now so my sleep is messed up and my energy is low to get up at 5:00 for the gym.  Next week while Mason is gone plan on getting into the routine and take in a few classes.  I am looking forward to it and even want to try a hot yoga… I think.  I do have to admit, getting into the gym, I mean even passing the doors is so hard for me.  I just don’t feel like I belong and it is hard to get over.  At the door of the gym there is a sign that says everyone is welcome and I read it each time, it helps but I need to start feeling worthy. Guess this is where my head and my body are not in sync.   I see myself, I look better and have had a few comments too but I don’t feel it.  I am scared to do things and don’t see myself as under 250 and even approaching 200 (OMG into the ONEderclub!!) but know it from my scale not my heart.  One thing I am looking forward to is my pictures and measurements a few weeks.  I think that will help connect the two, pictures side by side.  I am also really looking forward to seeing some people for the first time after a few months, my sister and mom, friends – that will be neat. 

What successes have I had, besides my 50+ loss… my closet is full of things I can wear.  Comfortably!  Not stuffed into something but very comfortable.  Some things have gotten too big and I got rid of it.  Even some size 16 items, although they fit are now getting loose.  Wow!  The pencil skirt I am wearing now, if I were to be buying it from the rack I may opt for the 14 instead.  I tried on a dress, size X at Pennington and the hips were a bit big.  That is crazy.  I think at around 200/190 I may just walk into regular store to see if I can fit into an XL pant… that is big for me…I am just nervous even thinking about it.  OMG, what am I going to wear come fall.  I will really not have come essential clothes.  Bhahah! Really that is funny.  I don’t want to buy everything from Value Village but will likely get more than a few from there as well as shopping on the sale racks, Costco etc.  Wow, the concept of being under 200 is so foreign to me.  I am so looking forward to it.  I try not to put ideas of certain numbers or certain times by any dates but it is hard… I don’t want that added stress.   I know it will come off and I know it there will be stalls, this seems to be my way of coping with any stalls.  To date, I can’t say I have had any significant stalls.  I have lost fairly steadily since the beginning but do think one is coming – I have been at about 213.5 for a few days.  Who knows… I’m not worried though, feels weird but I am not even concerned.  Now if I am in the middle of a two weeks stall I would likely be typing something different.

So a bit of a recap from my surgery – hindsight from my beginnings.  My first few weeks sucked! The pain was awful and my inability to get up or down drained me and I never want to go through that again.  That being said, even as far as I come I am happy that I did.  I hope the memory fades even more as I worry about my plastics surgery… ugh.  During the beginning my energy level was so low and I still have not gotten that spike people talk about, or at least I don’t notice it.  That is something I am wondering, when will my energy be up?  Or am I just perpetually lazy.. which is a possibility. 

Well this closes my 2 month experience and life back in the grind.  I am really enjoying the changes and have no regrets.  Looking forward the next stages, phases and changes.

Happy One Week (and three days) Surgaversary to me!

Well, I did it and I survived! Ya hoo.   Let me take you through the days of the last week starting the ‘The Big Event’ (insert ohh’s and awe’s here)

The day of my surgery I was generally calm.  I gave myself a lot to think about and worry about unrelated to me which, by deflection, makes it is so much easier.  Projecting feelings onto someone or something else is a great coping mechanism of mine, which I utilized fully for ‘The Event’. 

My mind wheeled with thoughts about what my husband and son would be doing during the time is was down and out, where would they sit, what would they eat,  where would they meet me, who would contact them, how would they get home, would they be fine ….haha…. would THEY be fine.  Quite funny, me worried about them.

It was only at the last minutes before I started to get the wave of ‘Oh My God, What The Hell Am I Doing?!”.  The very nice, very large, talk and bearded Anesthesiologist walked with me to the operating room and I became very, very aware.  ‘The Event” was about to happen.  I was so scared. 

Now, to think of it, it is strange that they walk you to the operating room…. not like in the movies, no wheeling and watching the lights go by… walking on my own two rubber-like legs, crawling up onto the table and positioning myself with my own two rubber-like arms.  Placed my arms out for the needles and listened to the surgical team discuss the procedure and me, the patient.  There is definitely a large amount of accountability and self-awareness in walking yourself into the operating room.  It seals the deal that this was truly an elected operation, a choice by the individual and I made that choice on my own and walked to it on my own legs. 

Over the months, weeks and days preceding ‘The Big Event’ I had brought this together, I wrote this play.  The cast gathered to discuss and I was centre stage.  This was the big scene, the climax to the story – hopefully not the end but end to the first half.  This is what all the buildup was for.  In walks the surgeon, guess he is the male lead for this act.  In the end, the team was great, very calming as was the big bear of an Anesthesiologist.  He is the perfect example of the phrase ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’… he looks big, was big, tall and gruff.  But he had a warm personality.  He kinda reminded me of Isaiah Edwards from Little House.  Kind of man that as a kid I wanted to crawl on his lap and hug.  Anyway, Mr. Edwards did his magic and I was out…..zzzzzz….. then the dragon lady in the recovery room tries to walk me up.  Ha! I tried, and tried but not so good at waking up… took longer than expected but I woke up a bit.  I guess it was enough to make them happy and I was wheeled to my room.  The sounds that really woke me was hearing Dave and Mason coming to see me.  Sweet sounds!  Oh, loved that…. they were ok and looking for me now if my voice would just work so I could call out…..phew they came in.  I played bobble head for a while – my head bobbing and trying to stay awake… them seeing me… kissing me and off I was out again… bobbing a bit more then out again.  But I was safe and they were close.   A few hours later they kissed me good night and off they went – my knights in shining armor… love them.

 

That night, I was in pain but oh so happy to have meds – morphine with a kick of gravel.  Couldn’t do any pole dancing but was able to move with a bit of ease.  I was sipping sipping sipping and ready to go for my first walk.  Unfortunately I went to the bathroom and one side effect of the operation was the swelling made it a challenge to wipe up after you pee…. well I guess I did a bit of extra movement and started bleeding a bit.  The nurse cleaned me up and it looked like it had stopped bleeding… phew.  It really scared me.

It was about that time that I met my roommate Wendy.  A very lovely woman who had her own challenges, coming to Ontario to get a foot operation that she had waited for 10 years in Nova Scotia.  Wow! We chatted a bit though out the next day and I am very happy to have made her acquaintance.

The next day was more sipping, drugs, walking and when I first met the nurse from hell – there was only one but I wondered if she was there, who was running hell??  She was never my nurse, lucky as don’t think she would help me much.  I asked her to lower the arm on my bed so I could get out – she said it doesn’t work… didn’t even try.  I told her that it had been up and down a few times in the past day she came over ‘tried’ and then shrugged her shoulder and said ‘see, it doesn’t work’.   Walking away I was dumbfounded.  Dave was there (again my knight arises) and within a few seconds he did it… what a ‘B’ she was.  Later in the evening when she was assisting Wendy, with the curtain closed she was trying to get down between our beds but my tray was there.  Without looking she shoved the tray right into my stomach.  I screamed, she shrugged again moved it… on her way out I said that she could have apologized.  For what she asked, I told her and she said that I was being rude and yelling at her – I said yes, I was rude as she was disrespectful and uncaring.  What a ‘B’.  Grrrrrr.

With that aside, the second night went much better.    My nurse was quite good (not as good as my first two but she was kind and gentle).  My morning nurse was a doll…. confident and kind.  At about noon my Knight showed up to take me home not before I popped some meds to help numb me for the ride.  After stopping to fill my prescriptions we arrived at home…awe home where I am going to be comfortable.  NOT!  Man do I wish we had a lazy boy now. J  Sitting and getting comfy is only good for a few minutes then I needed to shift and then need to shift again which equals more pain.  The remainder of the day I was nauseous and felt awful.  I know my body and I was getting rid of the meds from the anesthetics.  Not fun.

Sunday morning I woke up with some fire under me.  I decided to start jump on the ‘getting better’ wagon with vitamins, meds and soup and yoghurt… although I was not hungry at all.  I also took a dose of MOM.  Well, rest assured that stuff works!  It actually worked quite well … for the next few days.  So much so that I was concerned about the quality leaving my body vs. the quantity entering my body.  I was so thirsty.  Gratefully, I got enough water in on Monday that I wasn’t as concerned about dehydration, but was still quite thirsty. 

On Sunday afternoon we received the news that my husbands’ grandmother passed away.  Though, due to her failing health, it was expected, it was quite a somber few days.  I wasn’t well enough to go to the wakes but attended the funeral.  God Bless, Mere-mere.

By Thursday was I feeling better, moving better and sleeping better.  This is also the day that my sister came to visit.  I was soooo excited for her visit – it was great and she took good care of me.  Love her!  She took me shopping for a bit of food, soup, s/f ice cream etc.  It seems I took it a bit too far as one of my stiches bled a bit.  This became, and is currently my ‘issue’ at hand.  It continued to bled a dark dirty colour for the rest of the day and into Friday.  I was feeling better but it weighed on my shoulders.  On Friday night my hubby and I decided I should take a trip to the Emergency at HRRH as it is just a few km up the road.  After 5 hours (UGH!) I was sent home with my wound cleaned and a prescription in hand.

Early the next morning while I was still sleeping my Knight rode into action again, off fill my prescription and take care of me.  J Lucky lady, I am.  The remainder of the weekend went off uneventful.  Thank goodness. 

Day 11 post-op and my wound is still seeping a bit but seems to be closing.  I am taking the most disgusting tasting antibiotics like clockwork and moving much better.  I am feeling better each day and have to remind myself to take it easy.  My energy is not very high. I seem to have small bursts, need to rest and then ready to go again for a short burst.  My head and body are not working in the same direction as I feel mentally that I can do more but my body cuts out on me.  With that being said, mentally I do not have the same clarity as before and feel that I am in a fogged state at times.  Not sure what the fogginess is about, but hope it passes soon.

Eating and drinking, I am doing ok.  Getting all my protein in for the past several days and logging my food into MyFitnessPal.  I have really been enjoying cottage cheese and have basically been living off that and Premiere protein drinks.  I have enjoyed a few soups but am really really looking forward to getting onto the next stage…. Mashed potatoes never sounded sooo good.

Although I have not gotten sick, the foamies or anything like that I am worried that I am eating too fast.  In addition I am concerned that I seem to graze throughout the day to get my protein and water in.  I worry that this may be habit forming and that I will have issues in the next stages.  I will have to monitor this carefully.

My weight has gone down, although very very slow.  I lost 20 lbs in the two weeks prior with the Opti and only a few in the past week and a half.  As of yesterday I went down three then up one?!?  This morning I seem to have broke that and am down 5.5.  I didn’t expect it to drop but I didn’t expect it to go up at all.  I do contribute this to my BM’s as well as just general healing.

One day at a time, I have a few more weeks off and hope to gain strength.  Now, my energy is depleted and think I will go for a nap!

Cheers,

Lori Lee

Let the Blog begin!

So here I go, boldly going where I have never gone before…..I attempt to blog.  Write or rather, type my thoughts out.  With this being said I will do new and exciting things in this new life of mine and hope this is one of them.

It started about two weeks ago, my Opti…it has been a good run.  Not too hard, I enjoyed the taste for the most part and really enjoyed not having to worry about what to cook, how much, how healthy ect. etc.   That part was lovely.  The 15 lbs loss, not too shabby as well.  Although I don’t feel it much it is a good start to my trailblazing journey.

Tomorrow, we break ground on Phase Two – well not sure if I want to actually call it breaking ground because then I am the ground and ‘they’ are ‘breaking’ me…. I think it is more of a fixing than breaking.  Any way I digress… surgery is tomorrow.   Should be done by now… wheeling me out and trying (good luck) to wake me up.

I’m not nervous or scared, just want it here, to experience all but the pain – not looking forward to that but that is what drugs are for!  Hoping I don’t have a lot of pain or need a lot of meds but will take one step at a time.  I generally don’t like to worry or get too worked up over things I can’t control and this, I can’t control. 

They said it came by two’s

Two days  - the initial unknowns will be behind me and my goal I will be to sip, burp and fart my way out of the gas pain.  Walk, walk and sip, fart, walk, burp, sip…. Not necessarily in that order.

Two weeks – I will know more, feel better and hope to start to have some understanding of my little pouch.  I know it will not be healed and I will not be able to put too much in but we are only in the courting stages… my pouch and I.  Don’t want to get too frisky too fast or else!

Two months – I will feel much better, know more look better, be more active and have a peek at the new Lori Lee!

Two years – the sky is the limit – literally, maybe I will go skydiving! lol

As I start the next step, Phase Two, I want to take each step not running from my past but pausing to reflect on my past, what got me here and what I need to do to move forward.  I want to learn during each step and be very self-aware.  I want to experience it all – good and bad.  Just really hoping the bad is not too bad.

Ok, so I may be a bit scared…just a bit.

All in all, I look forward to the new me, Phoenix from the ashes if you will. 

Will the really Lori Lee please step forward.