Lauren B

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Well the time has finally come and I am both excited and fearful.  I keep struggling with the what if's...  what if I don't make it through the surgery, what if I make it through but end up with a blood clot, what will my husband do without me, what will my mom do without me.  On top of MY fears, my parents over the last week really also became scared and were pretty open with me about it.  My dad wants me to reconsider the surgery since I've show the willpower to do it through the last two weeks of the pre-op liquid diet.  I just keep explaining to them that I'm only doing it because it's required for the surgery and surely if I could eat I would be up in a McD's right now!  They don't seem to get it.  I'm staying focused because I HAVE to.  I kept to the strict 5 protein shakes per day because I said to myself I'm making it safer for myself during surgery and OBVIOUSLY I'm going to do it.  Why risk your life for a lousy burger.  My mom nearly came to tears on the phone yesterday telling me - "I would be lost without you".  What the heck do you say to your poor mother when they are scared of losing their only child.  I stuck to my guns and told her that I'm doing this so I can live longer for everyone.  I think it's worth it.  Yes, life will never be the same food wise, but my health WILL be.

I honestly can't believe I got through the liquid phase of the diet.  I've done a lot of diets but nothing as strict as that.  I'm proud of myself.  I am a little dissapointed in my results on the scale.  I got in my head that I could lose about 20lbs or something and I came no where close to that.  I just hope my liver still shrunk even though the number didn't go way down on the scale.

I'll write more soon...

It’s Saturday morning about 520am.  I’ve been tossing since about 4am.  I had to go to the bathroom on my way back to bed the nausea came and I ran back to the toi-dee and proceeded to throw up stomach acid and few pieces of potato.  My throat is burning.  Now my stomach is upset and I’m shaky. We have literally nothing in the house.  I usually like a few crackers or a piece of bread when I get like this, but here I am sitting at the computer with just my bottle of water.  Last night was definitely a mistake…

 

I have only about three weeks until my pre-op testing appt and knowing that I have a few more pounds to take off in preparation for my weigh in, I suggested dinner at Outback to have the “last steak”.  Of course my “last steak” was accompanied by half a platter of batter friend mushrooms, a salad and ¾ of a baked potato dripping in butter.  I probably finished half of the 12 oz steak. My hubby has a nice leftover box with half of my steak and half of his Alice Springs chicken to eat for lunch today.  Oh and just for the record the steak was yucky.  It had too much pepper on it.  It burned my tongue.  My “normal” way of thinking would probably make that justification for a second trip since my first one didn’t leave me satisfied, but after just yacking up pepper steak acid, I’m thinking no for that.  This is like the third time I’ve had a “last something” that not only was disappointing but had after effects.  UGG.  I feel so sick.

 

I want to talk about my experience at the restaurant tonight.  It was pretty normal for me, but eye opening just the same.  I’m hoping that a year from now I can look back on this and be thankful for the surgery I’m going to have…  Our buzzer went off and we were being led into the dining area.  All of a sudden panic set over me when I saw the booths.  I ALWAYS ask for a table and thought to myself “OH NO, I forgot to ask for a table” but then I remember Outback only has tables for larger parties.  So a booth it would be.   They seated us in one of those 1.5 seat booths meant for just a table with two patrons.  I did my normal visual check to see which side had more room.  I even asked my husband his opinion.  He just quickly sat down saying it didn’t matter.  I wonder if my saying that out loud embarrasses him.  I sat down, or rather squeezed it and proceeded to situate myself somewhat comfortably which of course means my boobs rest on the table.  It’s horrible.  Booths automatically make me feel like I’ve got a neon side above my head flashing “FAT CHICK ABOARD”.  UGG.  I “joked” with my husband several times that my boobs were resting on the table.  It’s really not funny.  The joke is on me.  I started thinking “what the f*** am I doing here, I hate this feeling”.  But thought quickly to that yummy juicy steak I was going to have.  I felt like everyone had noticed me come in and squeeze in that damn booth.  I looked over the room to see if anyone was looking at me.  No one was.  I’m just being paranoid.  Then I spotted another volumptous lady across the room.  AHA!  She ALSO had her boobs resting on the table.  I felt somewhat relieved.   How awful to take relief from someone probably feeling as crappy as I did with that situation.  I found that during the dinner I was frequently looking at this woman.  I realized that the ONLY reason she struck my attention was because of her size.  I realize that people do the same thing to me when they look across the room.  What an awful thought, half a room of people all sneaking glances at the morbidly obese chick across the room stuffed into the booth and gorging on a meal.  UGG.  The whole idea of it makes me sick.  After I ate my meal, my husband had to go to the mens room.  He took an unusually long time.  I was very self conscious while he was gone.  Would people think I was there alone?  Would the staff think we were somehow stiffing the bill?  Was he passed out in the bathroom?  UGG.  As I sat there I became aware that my now full belly was firmly pressed against the table.  I was thinking about how I was going to gracefully unwedge myself to get out of the damn booth.  After my husband returned and we paid the bill, I made my best attempt, but remember thinking about what I must have looked like.  And I dropped my jacket halfway on the floor so I just covered my insecurity with brushing off my coat and then putting it on.  As I walked by the fellow larger lady to leave I made sure I did not make eye contact.  I wasn’t sure if she would have seen that I had been glancing at her all evening.  Goodness knows I didn’t need to make her self conscious too.  We left the restaurant and went home.

 

My well intentioned “last steak” proceeded to make me sick to my stomach and made me feel horrible inside from overthinking what everyone ELSE must have been thinking.  It’s SOOO not worth it…feeling this way…  I wish I could retrain my brain again the “last anything” mentality…

 

I have had a rough nights sleep tonight.  Probably all that nastiness in my stomach didn’t help.  I had a nightmare early in the evening.  It made me very uneasy.  Then we won’t up to hear “PLUNK PLUNK PLUNK”.  My husband had to get dressed and investigate outside and the gutter was making some weird loud dripping noise.  He tinkered with the downspout a bit and it stopped.   I had trouble getting back to sleep.  Then I woke up at 4am.  Before I came in here to type this out, I turned my bedside light to it’s mid-dim setting and re-read a few chapters of a book I already read.  I looked over at myself in the mirror.  Damn that mirror.   My laziness and lack of asking my husband to take care of it, still has our dresser mirror positioned on the floor.  It gives me pretty much a full length view of myself lying in bed.  I sleep nude.  I find that I frequently pull my covers down and look at my body.  I’m disgusted.  How could I have let myself go the way I have.  I sit there sometimes and move my fat around, pull my fat back, etc etc to see what I have got there and what I might be able to get rid of.  That horrible damn mirror.  I really need to move it so I stop obsessing with these thoughts but its’ that same obsession that makes me leave the mirror there.  It’s my nightly reminder of who I have become and what I need to overcome.  My body is mutated.  The skin is so destroyed that I know even when I lose the weight from surgery that my only option to regain a normal appearance will be to have plastic surgery.  But one thing at a time.  I can’t even begin to think that far ahead.  I wonder even if I have my big panni after surgery if it will more comfortable since it will weigh less. My stomach is my most difficult fat area.  It puts a lot of pressure on my back and posture.  And certainly does make clothes hard to look nice in.  Sometimes I’m able to wear a shirt that hangs over my panni just right that I just look fat and round.  Not hourglass with a HUGE FAT SACK hanging off the front of me.  When I took my pictures for my OH page.  I made a point to wear something close fitting and short to show the true geometry of my body.  I don’t want to EVER forget what I started with.  I think of my body and seriously want to puke.

 

December 10^th cannot come fast enough for me.  I wish I had a remote control for life and press the fast forward button ahead 4-5 weeks.  UGG.  December 10^th seems so far away.

I got my surgery date!!  12/10/07

I'm SOOOOOO EXCITED!!

Catching up...  I had my gallbladder ultrasound on Wed 10/10 and my psych evaluation on 10/12.  I'm also 4lbs away from the requested 14lb weight loss from my doctor.  I got a quick note this morning that my pysch eval came back as an approval and they were checking on what else I need to do.  I'm hoping mabye I will get my surgery date before the day is out.  That would be SO AWESOME.  I can't help but admit how anxious I've been to get that little tidbit of info.  It's like knowing your due date or something.  Okay not really, but for ME, it's like that.  :)  Update more soon...hopefully...

I got my approval letter from the insurance company Saturday.  WOOHOO!  That's one less thing to think about.  I called Dr. Maher's office to see if that along with half of requested good faith effort weight loss down if I could schedule my date.  No to that, but still closer.  I found out upon insurance approval the next step is the gallbladder ultrasound.  I may or may not get it done at MCV because the wait time is longer.  They are going to call me back to see what their schedule looks like, either I'll do it there or get a prescription to do it somewhere else that may be able to take me sooner.  Also the psychiatrists office for the psych evaluation was able to move up my appt to 10/12, nearly a week and a half earlier than the previously scheduled 10/23.  WOOHOO!  That was so great to hear.

So, now I'm waiting for a callback on the gallbladder ultrasound and waiting the two weeks for the psych evaluation.  And then I guess I see what happens.  Surely by that point I will have lost the 14lbs and will be able to schedule the date.  That puts me at the end of November for sure.  I was hoping for the second or third week so I could utilize the thanksgiving time off from work as a portion of my time away from work, but that may or may not work out.  I guess we'll see.

Oh, and I have great news to report on the time off from my job.  I had a meeting with my bosses and it went very well.  In a nutshell, they are completely supportive and told me that I have given plenty of notice.  I told them I would update when I had the firm surgery date so that we can adjust our schedules then.

8/24/07 
I had my consultation with Dr Maher last Thursday 8/20/07.  I have decided on Gastric Bypass.  He has given me a goal of 14lbs weight loss from my weight in at 359 in the office.  I was told to schedule my psych evaluation appt and then call in to schedule the surgery once I hit 350lbs and was closer to the 345lb weight loss goal.  Then they would go from there.  I was told that the surgeries are being scheduled out about 6 weeks right now.  I was SO excited about that.  For some reason I had it in my head that it would be months and months, like maybe 6 months until they scheduled.

I signed a “contract” about my goals until surgery and after surgery that I would cut out all sugar, beverages with sugar, ships cookies, etc,etc.  As we drove away I told my husband, “Well, today is the first day of the rest of our lives”.  It truly has been different, even the last weekend I had to constantly monitor my snacks to no longer be sweet or salty snacks, and I have had to cut out my regular cokes and Gatorade.  No worries though, being able to do this is more important than those things.  That’s what I’m telling myself at least.  I went to thegrocery store and although I stuck to my strict plan of attack, I found myself looking at different things that WOULD have gone in my basket had I not been to that appt.  That was so eye opening for me.  I think the grocery store will always be a struggle for me.  I’m going to have to make a point for Nate to be there with me, or him go alone.

So anyway, I kind of got a plan together in my head to allow several weeks to lose the 14lbs and get the psych eval done and then 6 weeks from that would put me having surgery in mid-late November.  Honestly I was SOOO excited.  Well, until I called the psych appt and found they couldn’t schedule me until Oct 23^rd.  BOO!  That would put a total kink in things if I THEN had to wait 6 weeks.  Well I spoke ti Jill, Dr. Maher’s nurse, today who suggested I add myself to the psych eval’s waiting list for last minute cancellations, which I did and that once the surgery was approved from the insurance company and the preliminary tests and all done that the wait wouldn’t be long and that I would have more than enough time to inform my work of the dates.  Problem is that I know my work will want a lot of notice.  I guess I’ll just go with the flow, let them know the approx time frame – late November and then have to adjust from there.  I also need to let them know about the ½ day I will need to take for the psych eval, and testing appts and the two hour nutrition class.  I need to take most of that time un-paid, all but one or two sick days I have.  I’m not even sure what I have left?

Anyway, I’m nervous about talking to my work.  I need to do this for myself but don’t want to jeopardize my job either.  I hope things go well.  I’m going to ask my boss(es) for a meeting either today or tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

I was contacted by the surgical center about a week and a half ago.  I was told to review two online learning sessions for each of the two surgery options they offered - Gastric Bypass and Lapband.  My husband and I completed those and have now scheduled the consultation appt.  My consultation will be on 9/20/07.  Only about two weeks to learn more!  I have not decided on a surgery type yet.  I would like to get more information from doctor.  Initially I felt Lapband would be the best option for me, but now am unsure considering the 1-2yr expected weight loss results of only 1lb per week as compared to GB's 2-3lb per week.  That is a huge difference forme considering that my reason for surgery is to start a family and we hoped to try in about 1.5-2 years.  I'm not sure Lapband results would get my weight low enough for a safe pregnancy.  That is going to be one of my questions to go over at the consultation appt.

8/18/07 - I have considered surgery for approximately one year.  I had the application completed for approximately six months before I just mailed it two days ago.  It has been a struggle for me to accept that I need to help myself by taking this life changing step.  I can't wait to hear back from the obesity surgery center to schedule my first appointment to discuss my options and how surgery may the right choice for me.  I am ready to change.