ladywolfsong
I have struggled with body image my whole life....always just a little chubby, always picked on for being "fat". At 5'7" and 142 pounds, I bought into it wholeheartedly. I was fat. If only I had seen the truth! I actually lost weight during my first pregnancy, in 1995, and then didn't gain until my 5th month....I lost my pregnancy weight quickly, then gained some, getting to about 160 going into my second pregnancy in 2001. I have bipolar type ll, PTSD, Panic Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder, which I have struggled with my whole life, and getting much worse around my oldest daughter Mikayla's first birthday, when I was hospitalized for the first time. During my pregnancy with Ember-Lynne, I fought...I'm not sure whether I was fighting harder to live or to die. I was hospitalized several times during the pregnancy, wanting her to be big enough to be born so I could die. I have had 57 psychiatric hospitalizations, between 1997 and 2008. It has been a long hard road, and the various psych meds I've been on have contributed to my weight gain...I blame Seroquel for contributing in large part to me gaining almost 100 pounds in a period of about 6 months...this was in 2003, bringing me to a weight of around 250. Depression and physical health issues have contributed to the further slow but steady weight gain to get me where I am today, 289.
I hate my body at this weight, and even more than how I look in a bathing suit I am obsessed with the number on the scale. Both my parents are morbidly obese and I always swore growing up if I ever got over 200 pounds I would kill myself. I am much healthier emotionally than I have probably ever been, and there haven't been any serious suicidal thoughts since I started my current med regimen in October 2008. I still get stressed and depressed, still feel like I am going to fall apart, and still need to find a good therapist, but I forge ahead and am looking into Roux-en-Y surgery. My ideal would be to get to 145, but right now I'd be excited to get under 200. I have PCOS, unexplained joint pain, chronic yeast infections of my skin, steatohepatitis (stage 2 fatty liver), and high cholesterol. My HDL is 50, LDL is 197, and triglycerides are 233. My PCP wanted to put me on cholesterol meds but is afraid they would irritate my liver further and lead to more scarring. I saw a liver doctor who said I probably could go on cholesterol meds and he is going to discuss it with my PCP, but I am having pain in my liver from time to time and he said the only cure for that is for me to lose weight and if I can't do it on my own, I should seriously consider weight loss surgery. He got me started seriously looking into it.
My hospital has an intense program both pre and post op, starting with a 2 hour Intro to Bariatric Surgery info session, which I went to April 1st...that is Step 1...there are 9 steps to complete before you can have surgery. I will soon be on step 5. They require you to pay $250 which isn't covered by insurance...it's worth it, it gives you lifetime access to a dietician, gets you in for the support group, the online message boards and direct emails with the surgeons and everything, but now money is going to be very tight for the month of May. I am supporting myself and my boyfriend on SSI of $726 a month plus food stamps. He has applied for SSI, been denied, and is appealing with the help of a lawyer. Money is always EXTREMELY tight. I'm always stressing over having enough. Sigh. Anyway, I may have overshared. I do that I guess. But if you want to know more, ask me anything!
