A whole year already.. where the heck did it go?

Jan 19, 2009

 Wow..  I was sitting here this morning looking at my day planner and copying birthdays and such from my 08 agenda to the new one since I hadn't gotten very far with that the other day before I got my nursing visit.  I was looking at today's date and what's coming up for the week, much as I do every Monday but then it hit me.  This Wednesday my baby sister turns 31, and as well, it's my very first surgiversary. Where the heck did this whole year go?? 

Seems like only a couple of weeks ago I was in here reading posts and trying to decide how best to proceed.  No matter how prepared I thought I was, I did not forsee any of what has happened to me, though somehow I'm not as bitter and twisted about it as I could be.  That's not to say that I don't have my angry-frustrated-what-the-hell-did-I-do-wrong-to-deserve-this-$hit days but for the most part I'm just grateful to still be here to tell my story.  I lost a year of my life, 268 pounds, my asthma, my diabetes II, my sleep apnea and most of my hair.  I missed my younger daughter's grade 8 graduation, my elder daughter's sweet 16 birthday, school plays, cadet functions, seeing my elder daughter in her work uniform on the first day and so many other big and little things that I wouldn't have missed for the world if given the opportunity to choose.  Such a mixed blessing..  the time away gave me some much needed perspective.  I got to spend a little time re-evaluating what *I* want out of life.  I've spent so much time worrying about who else needed what, and putting my own wants aside in favor or something someone else needed (be it boyfriend, kids, family whatever) because heavens they're all SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT right?  Well this year it's *MY* turn.  I must admit I feel a little selfish for saying so, but at the same time it feels good too. 

I set about making myself some realistic goals.  I had already warned hubby that after surgery I wouldn't be going out for dinner for a long while.  The idea of public displays of barfing as we discover which foods do and don't work anymore just doesn't give me any kind of warm fuzzy feeling -- plus I've been doing a lot of reading and research, collecting recipes, learning different ways to make things we already love, and enjoying myself immensely finding ways to repurpose leftovers into something that doesn't generally resemble the original meal.  I want to reduce the amount of food and ultimately money that this family literally throws in the garbage on a weekly basis because things aren't getting used and so they go bad.  It's taking some tweaking because with not being mobile I have to rely on the generousity of our teens, but I have a pretty good system worked out with our younger daughter and so far (knock on wood) it seems to be working out pretty well. 

I signed up for a Floral Design Course. No, I don't want to be a florist, but I am interested in gardening, and I love flowers.  I thought that it would be something to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied and if nothing else when push comes to shove I may be able to do my own wedding flowers when I finally get my big day :)  We had planned for August 8, 08 but being in hopsital kind of dashed that to the moon... I still have my eye on a few genealogy courses, and a few other personal interest courses but the genealogy courses are more expensive than I can swing right now so I'md oing the Personal Interest route first..    we'll see where  we're at in 6-8 months or so when all the medical supplies and mods are organized.

I need to learn to disengage more.  I have always given my whole heart and soul with everything I do, and I'm finding as a stepmom it's SO HARD sometimes.  I always considered myself to be so lucky because when we got together the kids were small and I didn't have to endure any of the nightmares my fellow stepmoms shared with me.  Amazing how a few years can change things.  Now it's the teenager brigade always playing both ends against the middle, and my evil stepmonster wart is always in high gear..   according to them anyhow.  Yet if they stopped and thought about it for a while they'd realize (at least I would hope they would)  that I've only ever given them the very best I could.  I have always rallied to their causes and been an active participant in their lives.  Unfortunately their mom is generally more of a Disneyland Mom who showers them with praise and affection for 2 days every couple of weeks and completely ignores them the rest of the time, no phone calls or anything, and usually only one --MAYBE two kids are important at any given time -- NEVER all 3.  I just don't play that way.   I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, I'm just saying that all the kids should be treated fairly, you know?

I want/need to find an excercise buddy.  I want to get a Y membership or something.  Trying to get my physio and everything in is difficult now because much of my list has to be done when someone is here because they're worried I might fall.  Unfortunately Hubby isn't always available and when he is, he isnt always available if you get my drift..  

More than anything I just want things to move forward, and improve on what I've achieved so far.  I've got so much decluttering to do in our house. 12 years of 2 packrats is rough, plus after 3 years here we still have a basement full of unpacking to do because hubby was in a car accident a few week before we moved, and I wasn't able to lift either due to med issues.  I *so* want to get at it, but I can't even go downstairs right now..  

SO I'm all raring to go, and it's like someone didnt put gas in the car or something..  but I'm determined I *will* get there.   I just hope I'll still know where I was going when I finally arrive. :)

For anyone who was text messaging me on my cell.  It got broken when I was in hospital in Toronto, and I haven't yet replaced it.  We've dumped Bell as well, so we have a new voice #,  e-mail me or PM for that if you want it and I'll let you know when I have a new Cell so we can get back to texting.  For anybody that's still using MSN or Yahoo let me know and I'll add you to my list so we can chat live sometime.. :)

Cheers!

Tammy

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