New Year begins

Dec 31, 2012

2012 has been a year filled with ups and downs. It started with me being a drug and alcohol addict, severely depressed and in mental hospital. I then went to rehab for 30 days and am proud to say I have been clean and sober almost 10 months now.  Unfortunately, I developed severe ulcers that landed me in hospital when they started bleeding.  I've been in and out of hospital several times this year. I could no longer keep food or liquids down due to the opening between stomach and intestines being reduced to the size of pinhole. They tried dilation but ulcer is right there and may rupture if they try.  I got down to 100 lbs again after being back up to 130. Due to severe malnutrition, doctor put in a feeding tube. Ulcers are healing with meds and I am able to eat better now. I weighed 112 this morning!! Never thought I'd be excited to gain weight!! On the other hand, the fat mentality is still there and even though I know I have to gain weight, I freak out for a second when the scale goes up. It's like "oh no, here I go again. I'm going to be 300 lbs again". Even though it's been almost 5 years I know I can still gain it back but right now I have to gain weight. I'm nothing but skin and bone literally. I can't just be normal. I have to be one extreme or the other!!  I see doctor next week and hoping since Im eating better he may consider taking feeding tube out.

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