Jennifer R.

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So last night I had a very upsetting phone conversation with my sister regarding custody of my son (well technically he is her son, but my husband and I have been raising him for 2 years)... anyhow within an hour of the conversation I found myself scavenging the kitchen.  I pulled out a bag of marshmallows decided against it and put them back.  10 minutes later I was back in the kitchen, this time grabbing at my son's candy jar, again I put it back and sat down, then one more time I found myself in the kitchen grabbing a box of graham crackers.  I put them back grabbed a SF fudgcicle went back to the living room and aske my husband "Do you think I'm doing this because my sister stressed me out?"

Epiphany!!!!! OMG!  I'm trying to sbotage my sleeve.  I turned to the VSG board to keep me out of the kitchen for the rest of the evening, and took it up with my couselor today.

I left my appointment with some good advise.  She congratulated me on recognising the behavior for what it was-emotional head hunger- and for resisting the urge to sabotage myself...  She explained to me that I have been using food to soothe myself for so long I probably never noticed it before.  She suggested finding an new way to nurture myself when I get stressed out so that I have an alternative to I am now searching for a new way to nurture myself and am drawing a blank.

Wish me luck on the adventure!

I haven't had a protien drink today... I know I'm not getting enough in, but I can't brink myself to drink one today. I talked with my NUT today she stressed how important getting the protien in is to leep up the weight loss as well as to prevent hair loss.  I think I'll make a shake for dessert... Maybe I could put it into the icecream maker... I might have to try that soon.
Other wise I have been super stressed; custody issues with the boy, unexpected loss of unemployment, choosing the wrong job and it not coming through... It all is alot, but I haven't wanted to eat so I guess I'm in a good place.
I will say I am loving my sleeve right now. And can't wait to see where I am in a few more weeks!

I was feeling hungry today! It didn't prove to turn out so well as I overate at dinner and did not keep it down, but I was able to eat tuna for lunch and a string cheese as a snack.  I'm taking it as a sign that one day I WILL be able to eat my protien. As for the over eating, I think I just took too big of bites or ate too fast; It was a very small portion but whatever it was, the tummy wasn't happy...
I did notice myself wanting carbs today.  I was unpacking from our camping trip and mindlessly put a marshmallow in my mouth.  I spit it out and pointed it out to my hubby... he laughed, I was mad at myself.  I was NOT hungry, I just wanted somthing sweet for some reason.  
I havn't been getting my protien in and really need to step up the shakes tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to talking to the NUT tomorrow and figuring out if I can start experimenting with solids.

So I am finally on Mushies and now I have little to no appetite.  I have drank all my protien today and the last 2 days have eaten VERY little. 
Why is it I longed for food for so long and now that I can have some I don't even want it.  I'm going to make somthing delicious tonight just so I will temp my taste buds...
Oh well...
Other than that things are going well.  I have had very little pain, some minor discomfort after eating is all.  I am enjoying my time off with my family and have been able to spend time at the lake the last two days.  I'm still nervous about actually getting in the water with my incisions healing and all, but it has been fun just the same!

So I think it was the week away from this site and the support of others on here that led to my cheating episode yesterday.  (I, at 2 days before I was supposed to start soft foods, ate a bite of potato salad and a bite of chicken; then spent the entire night stressing over whether or not I gave myself a death sentence by doing so.) After spending some time reading blogs and forum posts today I feel right again.
I slipped into a weight obsessive food obsessive state of mind instead of focusing on making it through the process and following  my doctor's guidelines. 
Tomorrow I'll call the nutritionist, see if I can start my hair loss supplements and start soft foods for sure; then I will have salsa and scrambled egg whites for breakfast and the Delicious sounding ricotta bake recipe I got from someone on the forum last week for dinner!
Things will be fine, I do not NEED chicken just yet.  I'm taking this 1 day and 1 food at a time!

Baked Ricotta

1 cup low fat ricotta cheese
1 egg
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
Chopped roasted garlic
Italian seasoning
1/4 to 1/2 cup marinara

Mix everything but the marinara and place in an oven safe dish. Top with the marinara and a sprinkle of cheese and bake at 325 for about 20 minutes. Tastes like Lasagna!

Our week away was great!  We had a blast.  Great times, great weather it was perfect!
I got home to my scale and 1st thing jumped on to see how I did... 270... I gained... What the F?!?!
I know I fudged some full flavor ice cream instead of sugar free, but come on?!?! Two pounds up????
I cannot believe this happened.  I was full liquids all week... I went to mushies on Friday and had like 2 bites of mac and cheese other than that I was full on on my best liquid behavior: smoothie for breakfast, juice for lunch soup for dinner, lots-o-water inbetween!
I dunno what the heck happened but I'm sticking to liquids for another few days instead of pushing on with soft foods...
Wish me luck!

So, the family decided to make the most of my recovery time and go stay a week at the inlaws at the beach.  I was excited to go, I can relax here and really rest while taking in the scenery.  
The problem is Grandpa is a food pusher... Every five minutes: "you need somthing to eat?" or "can I get you some food?"  Last night at dinner "I'm sure you can have just one bite..."  My reply: "I probably could but I'd like to not risk my stomach blowing up inside my body and killing me..."  It has been hard enough smelling the lasagna and hearing how good the lasagna is but I'm hav ing a hard time with the "pusher".
Anyhow other than that FOrt Bragg has been great!  Good weather, lots of sun and lots of laughs!

Today was a really weird food day for me...

It started at a 6 year olds birthday party; I spent my day thinking about making a liquid out of potato salad or trying to talk myself into believing that if I sucked on a potato chip long enough I could turn it into a thin liquid.  I served cake and Ice cream and I have to admit I did lick my fingers after wards. The whole time I was there I wanted to eat...  My food obsession is ridiculous;  I'm only one week out and feeling like this, I must have a problem. 
Then, this evening, I got home drank my broccoli soup and was fine... Fine enough to say to myself "this isn't so bad, I could do this liquid phase forever..."
I think I'm crazy when it comes to food, or maybe just the triggers of the party were hard to fight.  I know when I did WWers I used the mantra "Willpower is like a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets" maybe that will become true of these ridiculous impulses to eat cupcakes and potato chips!

So I didn't have any chewable vitamins at home after surgery and just went out and got some today.  I don't know if it was starting the vitanims or maybe the super yummy thicker then just plain broth soup I had tonight but I feel almost normal!

I pushed myself alot physically today.  I stopped pain meds yesterday and have been walking the block for 3 days but tomorrow I am supposed to take my 5 yo to a birthday party so I wanted to make sure I could drive.  Hubby came with me and I drove; we went to Costco and Raleys and I made it through!  I was definately exhausted, but I think I'll be able to make it through tomorrow. 

Monday I return to my volunteer position at the Y.  No baby holding over 20 lbs for me!  (That means I get to rock the newborns all day!  Yippie!
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FYI- Creamy Brocolli Soup Recipe
1 Crown Brocolli
1  16 oz. Can Chicken Broth
1/2 c FF Half and Half

Boil brocolli in Chicken broth until tender.  Strain (retaining broth for soup), rinse w/ cold water to maintian bright green color. Add all ingredients to blender puree until smooth (for super smooth creamy consistancy you may need to puree once 2-3 mins, then seperate into 2 batches and puree each batch another 2-3 minutes).  Salt and pepper to taste, fortify with protein if desired.

You can make the same soup using asparagus or artichoke hearts... Yumm!

Here I sit... 4 days post op.  I feel like crap and cannot pull myself our of it.  I know I will.  I know it will get better, but man this is a lot more pain than I anticipated.
The major gas pains just after surgery have passed.  I am keeping things down now.  (I only had 3 episodes of things coming back up total).  But I sill feel just yucky! 
I expect to wake up from each nap ready and rarin' to go, but...no.... As soon as I move I remember how sore my abs are... Yuck!
I am not trying to be a downer here, not at all.  I have no regrets about my sleeve and know that this will end up being a great thing for me, my body, and my health It's just that today I am in pain and will probably be this way  for a while. 

On a positive:
I am down from my pre-surgery weight (about 3 lbs.)
I have upped my protein intake to 50 gms today (double that of yesterday)
I have drank 32 oz. water in addition to my shakes (not too shabby)

I know things will look up!    Here's to making the me I see into the me others do too!