Stephanie G.

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I found out about three weeks ago that my entire department is closing down.  (I'm theER  nurse manager for the float pool of a multisystem hospital and my staff is being divided up among the hospitals and so all the nurse managers in my office are looking for new jobs.)  I've been surprisingly ok in all of this.  But I am feeling the stress, mostly evidenced by significant fatigue.  Every time I try to look at job openings, I feel exhausted, get a headache and turn off the computer.  Fortunately I have a couple of recruiters working for me.  I have a couple of interivews lined up for jobs I'm really interested in.  Unfortunately, it looks like I'm going to have to move away from San Antonio.  I have to pack again.  Sigh...

I had my post op follow up visit last week.  I didn't have my lab work done ahead of time.  I had gotten the emergency call that my grandmother appeared to be dying so we made the mad dash to Florida.  She recovered somewhat, still unable to go home.  But she survivied.  And I didn't get home until the weekend and had my appointment on Tuesday.  I've got to get my lab work done, but they felt that I was doing well, on track.  I've still not really lost much in the past month and a half.  I can't seem to break the 200 pound barrier.  I'm hovering around 201.  It would be nicer to be stuck at 199!

Actually, I'm surprisingly ok with that as well.  I'm feeling good, happy with the weight loss.  I have lots of pants, struggling to have enough shirts.  A little too cheap to buy much new stuff that I hope won't fit too long.  I'm thinking of having some things altered.  I'm just not sure if it's worth it.

And I'm off to work in a little while.  It's so strange.  We're emptying out the office as the building will no longer belong to us after Saturday.  It's a weird feeing.

So as it turns out, Ambien really can make you eat in your sleep.  I've had significant insomnia since childhood.  I remember getting ready for school in the morning some days after having not been to sleep all night.  I've been taking Ambien for several months now and I love Ambien!  I take it at night and fall asleep easily.  Then I wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and the most rested I have in years.  Then I walk into the kitchen and find evidence of eating.  Sigh...

I had found the occasional odd thing left out in the kitchen and thought I might be eating and not remembering it.  I stopped losing weight about a month ago.  For about three solid weeks I've was finding evidence of 500-600 calories a night, every night.  Ask me why I'm not losing!  Fortunately, I've not gained.  But I'm not ready to stop losing!  I really didn't want to give up the Ambien sleep, but then I had a scarey event. I took the med and sat on the couch.  (Too many years of lying in bed staring at the celing for hours, waiting for sleep.)  While I was waiting for the drugs to kick in, my husband came in asking what was burning.  I tried to tell him it was the dishwasher, but as it turns out, it was the graham cracker/peanut butter toast in the oven under the broiler (I don't know, somehow it made sense at the time).  I didn't even remember putting it in the oven as the house filled with smoke.  So, as scared as I was (I really don't tolerate sleep deprivation well), I called my doctor and requested something different.  Lunesta is over $8 a pill and my insurance covers $6.  That's still $2 a night.  It's not nearly as effective, but I don't appear to be eating in my sleep any more. 

I'm not terribly impressed.  Last night I took a half ambien at 1 am as I was STILL awake.  Finally made it to sleep about 2.

Good news, I'm eating a little less (getting the munchies, but not 500 calories worth).  Bad news, I don't like working so hard just to get a little sleep.  Better news, I'm back on the losing train (yes I am!).

I'm down to 208 pounds.  Wow!  I gave birth at 212 (25 1/2 yrs ago), lost 40 pounds in the hospital (had pre eclampsia), went home at 174 pounds.  Within the year, I was over 200 pounds again and have never been below that since.  I am on my way.  I've lost 59 pounds.  Unbelievable!  I'm so excited that I'm having trouble completing my sentences.

I've been happy with my weight loss along.  I lost a lot fairly quickly, but have been aware that at any time the loss would start to slow.  The truth is that I'm in an 18 (18-20 in my tops) and this is the weight I would have been happy with if I had not had the surgery.  I weigh every few days.  The weight goes up and down by a few pounds.  So I lose 3 or 4 pounds, and then don't lose for several days.  Everytime, I think the weight loss has probably stopped.  Then I get up a few days later (like today) and I'm down again!  

I find that I sit and cross my legs (comfortably).  I can paint my toenails.  Those things I've been looking forward to are finally happening.  This is surreal.  I actually had the surgery done and it is working.

I had my birthday dinner with the family last night.  We went for fajitas and Mexican chocolate cake (rich chocolate with a fudgy icing and cinamon).  I had a sliver and it was great!  I've found that I seem to tolerate the sweets, but only a couple of bites.  It doesn't make me dump, but it doesn't set well if I eat more than a couple of bites.  My cheap heart has to recognize that it is better to pay a few dollars and then only eat a portion that it is to pay a few dollars and eat the whole thing!  (It is ok to throw food away!  Much better than consuming it.)

So, hooray!  My weight is at a new low for the past 25 years.  Onederland, here I come...

I see I've already used this title.  And I thought I was being clever. 

So, as I have been whining on the forum, I had to say goodbye to fifteen pairs of shoes today.  (A moment of silence, please...)  Nothing I could do, nothing I could shove into my shoes would keep them on my feet any longer after they grew too big.  This is painful!  I will try to put the photos online momentarily.  Memorial will be said every morning for the next month at 7 am as I get ready for work, or until my family (including the dog) decide they cannot bear any more whining and and take me to buy several more pairs.  Hey, that could work!

I'm under 220.  Hooray!  I haven't lost in a couple of weeks, but this morning I'm at 218.  I was at 212 when I gave birth, but I lost 40 pounds in the hospital.  (I had pre eclampsia and had gained 25 pounds of fluid which promptly went away after giving birth.)

This means I've lost 49 pounds.  Wow. 

Yesterday was a bit rough for me, diet wise.  I stayed home from work to do something on the house.  (I have such a low guilt threshhold that even on this site I feel the need to justify - I did work Saturday in the office and six  hours on Sunday from home.)  I've been trying to purge the extra crap (yes, that's the proper technical term) from my home.  I had been unable emotionally to let go of a lot of stuff, but apparently I'm over that.  We bought a new bedroom set and needed to clear out our bedroom to make room.  To do that, I had to finish clearing out one of the storage units, um, I mean the extra bedroom, to have a place to put the old bedroom set.  I moved most of it to the other extra bedroom, but only because I had emptied a lot of that stuff out.  One of the guys at work has told me that his wife does organizing and she said she'd be willing to help me.   I hope to find out today what she'll charge and arrange to have her help me one day a week for the next couple of weeks.

Anyway, rough diet day - I found myself eating all day.  At least, that's how it felt.  Last night I stopped to count up all I had eaten and it wasn't as bad as it originally seemed.  I tried something for breakfast that had more carbs, but was whole grain, low fat.  I didn't like it and threw it away after literally two bites.  Then a couple of hours later I had soup which was pretty good.  Because of the liquid I was able to eat 3/4 cup, which is a lot for me.  Then a few hours later I had beans, a little rice (my surgeon knows I add a couple bites of carbs because if I do, I feel SO much better and have more energy) with fajita chicken.  I did have a sugar free ice cream bar twice.  Eating the calcium chews feels like I'm snacking on candy.  That's more food than I've been used to eating, so it feels like I snacked all day.  But I was never truly satisfied.  I think that;'s why I had the ice cream,  just looking for some satisfaction that never came.

Today's a new day.  I'm having my vitamins for breakfast :) and will be at work all day.  The calcium chews I tried at first were somewhat nasty, but I've found the raspberry and caramel are pretty good.  I have to have them three times during the day, so it really is like snacking on candy.

And I'm really happy about the new weight.

I have never had constipation issues.  I was constipated once, when I was heavily medicated after Glen's death.  Two days ago I had a hard, hard stool that I could not pass.  I used glycerin suppositories to soften it up several times until I could finally go.  I've begun to add colace to my daily vitamins, hoping that will help.  Today I had the same problem.  It was like childbirth!  I could live without ever having this again.  It took the glycerin suppositories all day before I could finally go.  I was sick and in pain all day.  I don't have that much in me, so I don't really understand how it can be this bad. 

I continue to struggle with the water, but am pretty close to a liter a day.

I'm having muscle aches in my legs every day.  I've been taking the tramadol almost every day when I'm at work.  I still can't seem to get comfortable because my bones hurt my tissues wherever the pressure points are.

The good news is that I tried on the size 18 pants and they seem to fit.  My bottom is always smaller than my top, so I'm still a size 20 in the shirts.  That hasn't really changed my shirt wardrobe as most of them are 20/22.  The size 18 tops are getting pretty close to fitting. 

I went home sick today and don't plan to go in to work tomorrow.  I would like to get some things put on Craigslist for the weekend.  I'm hoping I can get that accomplished tomorrow.  I've not had anything good to eat in the last few days, so I think I'll go for Taco Cabana tomorrow.  The rice and beans and chicken are very satisfying.

More good stuff - we bought a bedroom set today.  Finally!  The set I have from Winnipeg was old before and now the dresser is falling apart.  We debated which set was the right one, but ended up with a medium priced one.  It's a nice one and I'm pleased.  I think we made the right decision.  Plus now I'm in a king bed.  No more being too crowded to move at night.  Neither Harry nor I are small people.  The dog and two cats just take up a little too much room.  It will be delivered in a week.  Hooray!

I weighed myself tonight, yes at NIGHT, and am down.  I haven't lost any numbers on the scale for several days, but my clothes continue to get looser.  People at work have been telling me for the last couple of days that I look like I've lost weight this week.  That feels pretty good.

I'm still struggling with getting tired at the end of my 8 hour work day.  Although that's still not too high a price to pay to lose 44 pounds (let me say that again...  44 pounds!!). 

I've been having a little mini burst of energy working on the house (which is crazy considering how tired I get sitting at a desk for a few hours).  I came from a much larger home before I moved here and now I have boxes of stuff I don't room for.  I'm tired of all the crap in my house!!  For the past few days I've been unboxing and sorting.  I'm about to have a big sale on Craigslist.  I'm just praying I don't run out of steam before I'm finished.  I started with hospital uniforms that no longer fit or are no longer appropriate (wrong color for my current hospital) and I'm moving forward.  I have a couple of stacks of clothes in the closet that are now too big.  I just have to clean and iron so I can get them ready to sell.

I am having a weird "symptom."  It's as if I've lost padding in all these places  even though I am still heavy enough to need it.  My butt hurts when I sit too long, my bones hurt the tissues of my butt.  I have trouble getting my legs comfortable because the weight of them hurt the tissues that they lie on.  So I'm sitting on the cushions of my couch and shifting my weight every couple of minutes and I have pillows under my legs that are propped up.

Of course, it could just be that I'm whiney again.  And - I'm not complaining!!  Weight lost is wonderful.  In the past when I lost weight and regained, I could feel the fat on my sides where my arms hung down.  That is better and it feels great.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me.  I started out with a headache.   Actually, I started at the gym.  I've been trying to go some, but I'm not nearly where I was before the plantar fascitiis back in September - an hour 4-6 times a week.  Last week I did the elliptical for 30 minutes, but yesterday I only made 15 minutes - one mile.  I just generally felt crappy, kinda like I do when I go too long without food.  I ate, but nothing seemed good to me.  Last night I had beans, rice and chicken from Taco Cabana.  It was SO satisfying!  I can't eat many carbs, but I seem to do better if I have a few.  If not for the surgery, yesterday would have been the day I fell off the diet wagon, big time!  I wasn't able to eat an entire pack of cookies or a 1/2 gallon of heath bar ice cream, so instead I whined. 

I'm still struggling because my stomach is finished eating before my mouth is finished chewing and tasting.  I'm working to be aware of the volume I eat so that I don't over stuff.  I am working to adapt to the new smaller volume.

(More whining...)  The last couple of weeks (basically since I started back at work) I have had so much back pain.  It starts in my lower back and moves up to my upper back.  I just can't get comfortable.

Today was a much better day.  I'm drinking about 32 ounces a day, with some effort, but tolerating much better.  I woke up this morning at 3 am,  started clearing out some of the junk in the spare rooms.  I finished sorting and hanging all the "skinny" clothes.  I'm in a size 20 now, got the size 18 together.  My weight has been up and down at times and have always been a sale shopper.  I have 24 (TWENTY FOUR!!) pairs of pants in a size 18, not including gym pants, etc.  At least 20 of them were on sale, $40 and up marked down to below $5.  I have about 15 skirts too.  I am so tired of having so much crap in this house.  My kitchen here is so much smaller than my house before and don't have room for all the dishes, glasses I still have.  I'm starting to gather things together to sell on Craigslist.  I am so tired of having all the unnecessary stuff everywhere.  it will probably me take me a few weeks, but I want to get rid of the crap.

I'm down by 41 pounds now.  Hooray!  I think if I lose another 12-15 pounds I'll be in the 18.  So, another month?

I haven't lost any pounds on the scale in the last few days, but my shoes are now too big.  I wore some of my favorite shoes (black and white tweed) yesterday and could hardly walk because they kept falling off.  Today I wore my (fake) alligator and they fell off too!  I was able to wear them over the weekend.  I pulled out some of my plain (sigh..) black and brown boots that had seemed tight lately and they fit.  But they're neither one pretty.  The most beautiful shoes in the world (black velvet heels with white pleats) seem to still fit, so I guess I won't have a breakdown yet.

I've cleared out my closet and put my current wardrobe in there.  I guess I'll have to do that for the shoes too.  It's going to take forever to replace four dozen pairs of shoes!  

I have people I've been passing my clothes to, but I don't know if anyone will want used shoes.  For some reason it's hard to give them away and not know that are going to a "good home."  (Did I mention they are pretty?)

I've been joking about the shoe situation all day, but it's more significant than I really want to admit.  This is not a complaint!  I'm very happy for any weight loss right now.  It just surprises me that I have such an attachment to these shoes.  For so many years I haven't been able to have much fun with clothes.  When you're wider than you are tall, nothing really looks or feels good.  Shoes, however, are very satisfying.  I've been known to buy shoes from more than one store in a day.  After my husband died, I would go to Naturalizer, eat at Olive Garden (eat one dessert there and get one to go), go to the bookstore and then go to another shoe store.  It was a way of finding some enjoyment in my day.  Unfortunately, that was not an usual day for me.  My shoe wardrobe and library grew a lot during that year, not to mention my waistline!  Now these shoes are going to be going away.

They are not important, they are only things.  There are lots more shoes in the world.  When my shoe racks are empty, I'll just have to go shopping again!  Ok, I'm ok again.  :)

I went to the gym the day before yesterday and did the elliptical for 30 minutes after work.  It went well.  Yesterday and today my whole body was achy and I was so tired.  I'm hoping that's just from the gym.  Both days I've just come home to rest.  Tonight I did go and walk for a mile in the neighborhood.  Chester dog was happy.  :)

Good news!!  The nausea is resolved.  I'm still working on the fluids, but I feel much better now.

I weigh myself every couple of days or so, exercising great self control not doing it multiple times a day!  Whatever the low weight is, that's what I go with.  A couple of weeks ago I hit 234.  I hovered between 234 and 238 for a week.  Last week I hit 231 and hovered between that and 235.  Today I was 229  (below 230, woo hoo!).  I suppose it doesn't really count as a stall if you're going up and down like that.  Any way, I'll take it! 

I had to buy a new sweater today because my "go to" sweater is continually falling off one shoulder now.  The 2X is mostly loose on me and I don't want to have to replace it again too soon but a lot of the 1Xs are a little small, so I found a loose 1X that will hopefully last a while.  I am wearing clothes that have not fit for a long time, but I'm also still in some of recent wardrobe.  I guess some things must have been tighter than I realized.

I am getting in my vitamins now (broke down and bought the chewable calcium - breaks my poor cheap heart, but I couldn't face another dose of hammered calcium mixed in pudding - yuck!).  I just can't quite get those fluids down.  The nausea is better, so I'll keep on trying.  I've managed to get my daily intake up from less than 16 ounces to a good 24.  I know, I know.  Gotta get in 64, but it does me no good if I throw it all back up.  I've not had too much vomiting, but have felt like every swallow was going to push me over the edge and I'd lose it all.  And that hurts!  But, it's better.  I talked to the MD office about whether or not I needed to go to the ER for IV fluids.  My blood pressure has been ok and I've not been dizzy lately, so they let me try to take care of it at home.  Gonna keep on trying.

Now that I'm back at work, it seems so hard to get my walking in.  I've walked a mile before work, but I can't tomorrow as I have to be in an hour early.  I'm trying to get the umph back to start going to the gym.  I went faithfully 4-6 X a week pre op until the plantar fasciitis did me in.  That seems much better, so I think I'll be able to start back this week.

I'm grumpy today.  I was ok, but them my hubby was rude to me and I just didn't feel like sitting there and listening to him anymore.  So I went shopping.  Bought the new sweater and some bath gel from Bath and Body Works (my favorite!).  He always blames our arguments on my menstrual cycle (and I may be PMSing now), but really the only thing is that if I am PMSing I hold him more accountable for his behavior.  Just because I put up with rudeness most of the time, doesn't mean it's my fault when I've had enough.  I'm never happy about rudenss or unkindness, just more tolerant.

Sigh...  And tomorrow it's back to work.  I'm actually a little excited.  Just before my surgery, I got my official promotion and job title.  I've been doing most of the job since February, but only was officially given the offer in November.  Tomorrow we have an early (ouch!) meeting to hash out exactly what the division of labor is going to be.  It's like the first day of school with a clean notebook!  Fun!  (Yes, I was one of those...)