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I am trying so hard not to let myself get down but I am so miserable with me. I am huge and not getting any younger. I so badly need to get this weight off...I would do just about anything to accomplish it. I have raised my protein and water intake and am tracking my calories. I refuse to go over 1200 a day because that seems reasonable. I quit counseling because I couldn't afford it anymore due us moving out on our own. I also quit personal training because I really dreaded going and it was really expensive! I was suppose to have a date with a guy I met but chickened out because of my size. I am sure he would not have been ok with my gigantic body. And I know that self talk is important and mine is down right abusive but it is what I see in the mirror. I just wonder if I will ever be happy with myself and where I am at again?

I have read that the best way to get happy is to remind yourself of all the things you are thankful for. Here it goes! I am thankful for my awesome daughter, for the house we are moving into on our own, for my health, for my granny that let us stay with her so I could get back on my feet, for OH for always being here. I am thankful for my job and for the money it brings in and the friends I have made there. I am even finally thankful for the long road that has gotten me to where I am now. I still have a long, long way to go but I have made it this far and hit bottom so now I am building me back up. I am a work in progress and there is no destination just the journey and I need to learn to enjoy where I am at when I am there not continue looking back to see what I missed!

I have a hard time staying on track. I slip and fall off the workout wagon so easily just because I don't feel like it is really doing anything. I look at the people in the fitness magazines and just wish that I has the commitment to my body and health that they do. Fact is I am stalled...I should be eating more protein and more often and I should be putting more quality time in the gym. I have an awesome trainer and she pushes me just enough but JEEZ I dread going because I am so tired!! I think my vitamins/minerals may be low contributing to my tiredness. I think what really got me down about things was hearing someone say that it's not the 1 hour in the gym that makes you fit and healthy it's what you do the other 23 hours....yikes!! That means so many different things after surgery(even before really). It means follow the cardinal rules of bariatric surgery like you life depends on it..because it does...so why is it so hard???

I keep spending quality time thinking of my past and being stuck in it. Stuck in what I had and not thinking about what I have, thinking about where I have been not where I am going. I need to find away to get out of my past and start really working for my future. I am happiest when I am fit and healthy so why do I let myself skip a working out because I am tired....REALLY  what am I thinking!! I have nothing better to do...why not work out!! Come on ME get your lazy butt up and get to the gym!! Inevitably I will still be tired even if I sit on the couch and stay home but I WILL FEEL better if I go to the gym. Plus, working out is part of the new lifestyle that I am trying to make so it should help me by getting me in the here and now. SO all I need to do now is keep reading this post and remind myself to look to my future happiness and remember that what I do today can make my tomorrows much happier while creating new good memories.

So I am back and working even harder towards my goals of being fit and happy. My surgery was an EPIC FAIL but it is my fault. I didn't follow the rules...I drank wine and other alcohol like a drunk...who am I kidding I was a drunk!! And now I look in the mirror and am HUGE...won't even post my weight because I am so big. BUT I quit drinking and am down 20#!! 20 pounds that I have lost many other times in my life...and each time saying this is it....WELLLLL this is IT!! I am done with the yo-yo...I have decided that there is no magic surgery or pill. The only thing that is going to make me healthy is EXERCISE, and eating right and hard work. I am not a fortunate soul who loses weight by thinking about it or can eat whatever I want and not gain an ounce. When I am fit it is because I worked hard to get that way and you know what....I am kinda glad. That means that to be fit and thin I have to put good things into my body and I have to work my body hard to get and maintain muscle. It is not an easy road for me but I have determined that physical fitness makes me happy and the only side effects are AWESOME!! I will be blogging because I think it is important to show the ups and downs of the surgery and of the effects long after the surgery. Truth is my pouch never stretched I just got fatter from drinking and we aren`t suppose to do that. And my surgery does work...I just didn`t work my tool. But now it will help me get to where I want to be...and I will enjoy the journey!!

 

On November 30th 2012 I had to lay to rest my best friend, my precious dog Rocky. He had epilepsy and had a long tough battle with it. On Friday he went into a seizure and just didn't come out of it. By the time I made it to the vet he was in what is called status, meaning he was brain dead and his body was still seizuring. My mom and daughter were with us and we sat with him when the delivered the anesthesia to him but left after he fell asleep so the rest of the overdose could be given. My brother buried him yesterday and today I sit alone in my house where just a few days ago I could here him snoring all day. I miss him terribly and wish things were different. But I am thankful that it was quick and he did not die alone and he did not suffer. I loved that little man so much I don't know how I will ever get over his loss.

Well I made the call today to go back to work. I am so embarrassed about my weight that it is almost debilitating but I know that I can't continue to hide in my sweatpants and house. I need to get back to my life...but I am scared. I can't believe I let myself get to this point. I don't want my ex that I work with to see me... I can only imagine what he will be thinking and what everyone will be saying. UGH!!! I have to go shopping and get some work clothes that fit...this will not be fun!! But I am lucky because my daughter and grandma are so supportive of me getting back to work and my daughter just keeps telling me how proud she is of me for quitting my destructive behaviors and getting back to work and the gym.

Kayley, my daughter, goes with me to the gym now. She even asked to be added to my membership. I love spending time with her so it makes going to the gym not so scary...I don't even think about the other people there when she is with me. She makes me so happy! I just want to continue to make good choices for us so she can have an awesome life.

This time of year is always hard for me. My childhood family is a mess, my dad has always hated me and made it known. I use to think that there could be some miracle like there are in the movies where he realizes what a jerk he is and we live happily ever after....I had actually started thinking that way about just about every man that has entered my life...only one of them ever actually loved me and didn't judge me based on my weight, and he has been gone about 8 years now. I just wish I could give my daughter the kind of Christmas I always wanted. But I can't....I can't do much of anything these days. I am so over weight I am embarrassed to be around anyone, I am always terrified someone I know is going to see me. I am so miserable! I am on medical leave from work because my bipolar and depression are out of control. I want to work but I am so embarrassed the thought of going back is sickening. I thought about getting a part time job that I might actually enjoy, but with all the weight I have gained recently I don't think I could stand long enough to do it. I would like to work at Lane Bryant just to get some extra money for Christmas and to get a nice discount and get some clothes that fit me other than the stretch pants and tshirts I have been wearing. I just want to get better all the way around. I want to lose ALL of this weight...which means I need to get up and get moving at the gym...and I want to get my mind better. I don't want to feel hopeless, helpless, and useless anymore. I just want to get better for me and for my daughter.

So I gained bout 100# and am off work do to my mental state. My depression has run away with me and I'm doing all I can to get myself better. I joined a gym, but I hate going there because I am so disgusting. I'm embarrassed and afraid I will run into someone I know especially one of my ex's. I'm still so hurt by them, I just wish I could get over it...them. I want to do more but physically my body gets tired so easy, and my lower back hurts. I am working with my doctor to get my vits back where they belong. I did stop drinking...wish I wouldnt have started. I still feel the urge sometimes, but I fight it. I feel so alone, but I'm not....it's weird. My daughter is a teen now and doesnt listen at all....I have my work cut out for me with her. Like I said though I am surrounded by people, but am so lonely....my problems cant be shared with anyone. Things are hard now, and my weight just adds to my depression and feelings of hopelessness. Someone said to start blogging again, so this was my catch up post. This site can be vicious so I am afraid of posting and getting mean words back. But the support is wonderful, so I will try to take the good with the bad.

I always have time to think on Sundays and I think about all kinds of things like being a single mom, the boyfriend I have and that new life that Kayley and I have, and as always my looks/weight. I have gained some weight back but am staying around the same weight I have been at. Watching it very closely and hoping that if I keep doing what the doctor tells me I will start losing again. I went back to the doc and they said to eat 1000 calories a day and exercise 45 min everyday. I am working on both of those things. The exercise is still hard to fit in but I am working on it. I guess it isn't really hard to fit in I just have to make myself go. It is about 15-20 min from my house to the gym and I hate the drive so that isn't helping. And as far as my calories go I don't really know how to count them sometimes so I am guessing and estimating on the high end to be sure I don't over eat. But I am always feel fat and need to work on making sure I am doing what I am suppose to be doing so I can feel good about me. The boyfriend thing is tricky I feel like he isn't really all that into me or like I am annoying him so I think I am going to stop texting him unless he texts me first and stop trying so hard to be near him. I just miss having a man so I want to be with him whenever I am not with Kayley, And this single mom thing is a financial nightmere! I can't believe how hard it is. I am working a ton of overtime to keep us a float and it is tiring. I don't want to work this much but I like my apartment and need to buy a car! Plus I have to have money to feed my family!  Things are just a big ball of stress and sometimes it is overwhelming! I do miss being married...not sure that I miss the drama and fighting but I miss the companionship very much. My boyfriend has a ton of friends and is use to not having anyone so he doesn't need it like I do.

So my exhusband called yesterday and we talked ...really talked for the first time in a long time. He actually is hurting and was hurting. It wasn't as easy for him as it seems, I mean it was easier for him than it was for me. He does still have unresolved issues about me, he wished things would have been different and we could have worked things out. He wished that I would have taken an interest in the cars and stuff he was interested in. He said he wanted a best friend and a wife and I stopped being that. Well I stopped being that because money got in between us and it was impossible to get through it. He was so mad at me, and even though he hid it well often it was obvious that he really resented me for messing up financially so often. He feels like I cheated him out of a lot of money and I guess I unintentionally did by letting him pick up the slack on bills that I was suppose to be paying. I let other people influnence me into thinking that he would get over my short comings and we would work stuff out and "everything would be ok". And into thinking that he was just a jerk and our marriage was a sham...which I guess both of those things turned out to be true. I couldnt compete with his love of money and still to this day the money meant more to him than anything. He said he couldn't trust me because I lied about money but if I told him the truth it would have ended a long time ago, I just didn't make enough money to pay all the bills that were my responsiblity, and he couldn't comprehend that. So I guess it was all for the best I just wish I was younger when it ended. I was having a hard enough time turning 30, him kicking me out of my life a few months before I turned this dreadful age didn't help me at all. Though the life I was thrown from that he got to keep really wasn't a life at all, I just enjoyed being married and not being single status wise, and not being back in the dating scene, and I loved having the big hourss and new car that he kept. THose things are what is hard to deal with, he kept out life and I have to make a new one. Just very depressing. But I am glad that he finally showed some emotion about the whole deal,even though he is dating and I am not.