classyqueenbee
First set of Appointments - Loooong Post :( and :)
Oct 30, 2009
Wow... well yesterday I had my first set of appointments. 
Had to be at the Central Baptist Bariatric Office at 7:30 am, which was total bs because I can never catch a break, and I have been so exhausted lately. Anyhoo.. For whatever reason, when I first scheduled this appointment, I assumed that the cost would be minimal- well, whenI got th call to verify my appointments, she asked me if I had received tha paerwork, which I had not, and then she e-mailed them to me. lol... It said be prepared to bring in two specialist co-pays, a $40 nut fee, and if the psch eval wasn't covered be prepared to pay $335-$380. I was like ummmm.. ok.... I have two small very active kids. I have the money, but I could always allocate to something I might deem more worthwhile, but then again, that's why I am the weight that I am now! Always allocating what I deserve to someone or something else. 
So I went. The office was beautifully appointed, and everything was plus-sized. lol. The day went smoothly.
730- Registration
8ish Blood work, H. Pylori Test, Official weight. I will tell yall that another day. After I lose the first 15. Depressing...lol.. I don't know why, but hey... It is what it is, and that is why I am on this jourmey with a 69 BMI. iI hate needles, and usually I am dehydrated, and fat armed folks know about the vein situation. This girl was good. I didn't even feel ithe needle.
815ish RMR test- Did this in another office where I laid on a beautiful chaise lounge, and had my nose pinched, had a tube inserted in my mouth, and had to breathe naturally, in a relaxed statwe listening to the ocean in a dark room for about ten minutes. If I could breathe through my nose, I woulda gone on to sleep. I have also decided to byuy one of those chaises. They told me where to get one.In any case, I burn about 2100 calories doing nothing each day... I must be smacking down. My metabolism is just above average. I still think it's BS but hey.. I know it's true. Wow.. If I had a slow metabolism, someone would have to open up the side of my house to get me out of it. GEEZ. SHEESH!
840ish- Went back to the other office accross the hall to start completeing the billion question psych evaluation.
9ish- Went for my physician assistant appt in the other ofc. She was very personable, as was everyone. We discussed my choice of having the RNY. I'm a great candidate, no co-mornidities, just SUPER morbidly obese. I stopped smoking about 2 months ago, but I have had a rogue cigarette or three since then. She said this doc requires 6 months. I was like hell to the naw.. I am trying to go the three month pre-op route. We need to talk about this shyt (Scuse my language). She said I could discuss it with the doc, and she didn't think a few would hurt being that I have three more months.
930ish- Met with the insurance counselor who advised she hadn't done shyt yet in regards to my insurance accept for get the precerts to thee visits, which was fine, because open enrollment for me is next week, and I will be changing, as my company only offers people who have been at the company less than a year the shytty plan, and then we must change the following year, so this will be to my benefit. I told her I would call her with that info next week.
10ish- Went back to the other office to complete my billion question psych evaluation binder. lol None of the questions were like I suspected. They didn't fit. They talked about pain... and well.. I can't describe it, but hell,I was cool with it because I am crazy as hell, and I managed to fly under the radar by answering questions I didn't feel had a damn thang to do with this, but then again, I'm not a profession, just a genius in my own right.
1030ish- Watched movies about the surgeries and spoke with the program coordinator who gave us another handbook, and info to the new state of the art health center the program will be opening. I'm kinda excited about the various classes, tai chi and shyt... right up my alley :)
11ish Appt with the psychologist, who for some reason I didn't really care for, not that he was rude or anything..He started out with "I don't make the decision for you to have the surgery or not, but the docs really do listen to what I say". Ok mfer... That's cute and all, but do what you have to do, because I really am nuts, and I will STILL have this surgery..lol. He asked the questions...Why do you think you will succeed? Many fail... He said that a few times actually. Well asshole, I will succeed because I found my grandmother DEAD who had a massive heart attack when I was 17, and I watched my mother have a massive stroke when I was 19, and I do not want to leave my children without a mother. I have no choice BUT to succeed. He basically told me some mish mosh, after which I asked to him to clarify. He said :I am giving the green light, but proceed with caution. The only thing I have noticed in your paperwork and your conversation is your irritability, so I suggest you speak with a psychiatrist and maybe they can put you on a mood stabilizer". lol.. Wow... Finally someone understands.
Go back out to the waiting area, and I am almost finished. They said expect to be there all day and I am happy! I thought I might be ablet to actually go home and put my swollen feet up! WRONG. Last appt was with the nut. So i'm waiting patiently with my Cosmo, updating my facebook. It's just 12ish... HA! The coordinator asked if I wanted to take a lunch... I was like ummmm.. no... I'll wait. mAs I sat and read, I thought about it.. That bytch ain't coming back no faster is she? Might as well go run errands, which I did. She asked me to return around 115. I did.
The nut came out to get me at 150p. I wanted to break her bony arse in half, because I was cutting it close. I cancelled my bff picking up my baby from the bus stop because I assumed I would be home, and it was nearing two. He gets home at 3:11. She gets out the weight loss caloric binder, and the fat and sugar scare tactics, and i was like "look... You will cry when I tell you what I eat., however, you will be happy when you see the results because I know what to do, I just don't do them because I am not accountable to anyone." After that, we had a great understanding, and worked together very well.
Even though I eat 1 to two times a day, I eat what I want like I'm a 17 year old high school football player, so I will be meeting with her again in two weeks to really get me on this high protein/low carb pre-op diet plan, but right now, it is our introductory phase:
1. No fried foods
2. Do not drink my calories
3. No biscuit/rolls/
4.70 grams of protein
5.70-120 grams carbs
6. Eat three meals
7. However much meat I am currently eating,decreaswe by half- eventually 6-8 ounces per day, no high fat means such as bacon or sausage- which sucks.
8. don't boil my veggies, buy those micro bags
9. Only spray butter, bust buy everything low or no-fat.
10. If I bite it, write it.
11. Have a salad with lunch and dinner. Stay about 500 cals per meal.
Last night, I went to the store, and bought some frozen indie chicken breasts, some veggie bags, some sf jell-o, low fat cheese.you know.. just a few things for now.
I started off good this morning. Have my journal. Made myself a half gallon of water for the day. Slipped up and at 5 cookies, but I held myself accountable by writing them down.
Then a fricking toxic friend called me around 6ish this evening (same friend I was talking to on the phone last night while byuying my healthy foods), My kids had just both pissed me off, so that made me hungry for something, a cigarette or a brownie, or a steak.. or all... I don't know... In any case, she told me she was making my favorite food. No will power yet... and I never ever go over to her house.. But YES... I went, ate about 6 of these little eggroll type things, made myself a cocktail, and came on home. Failure.
0 comments
Had to be at the Central Baptist Bariatric Office at 7:30 am, which was total bs because I can never catch a break, and I have been so exhausted lately. Anyhoo.. For whatever reason, when I first scheduled this appointment, I assumed that the cost would be minimal- well, whenI got th call to verify my appointments, she asked me if I had received tha paerwork, which I had not, and then she e-mailed them to me. lol... It said be prepared to bring in two specialist co-pays, a $40 nut fee, and if the psch eval wasn't covered be prepared to pay $335-$380. I was like ummmm.. ok.... I have two small very active kids. I have the money, but I could always allocate to something I might deem more worthwhile, but then again, that's why I am the weight that I am now! Always allocating what I deserve to someone or something else. So I went. The office was beautifully appointed, and everything was plus-sized. lol. The day went smoothly.730- Registration
8ish Blood work, H. Pylori Test, Official weight. I will tell yall that another day. After I lose the first 15. Depressing...lol.. I don't know why, but hey... It is what it is, and that is why I am on this jourmey with a 69 BMI. iI hate needles, and usually I am dehydrated, and fat armed folks know about the vein situation. This girl was good. I didn't even feel ithe needle.
815ish RMR test- Did this in another office where I laid on a beautiful chaise lounge, and had my nose pinched, had a tube inserted in my mouth, and had to breathe naturally, in a relaxed statwe listening to the ocean in a dark room for about ten minutes. If I could breathe through my nose, I woulda gone on to sleep. I have also decided to byuy one of those chaises. They told me where to get one.In any case, I burn about 2100 calories doing nothing each day... I must be smacking down. My metabolism is just above average. I still think it's BS but hey.. I know it's true. Wow.. If I had a slow metabolism, someone would have to open up the side of my house to get me out of it. GEEZ. SHEESH!
840ish- Went back to the other office accross the hall to start completeing the billion question psych evaluation.
9ish- Went for my physician assistant appt in the other ofc. She was very personable, as was everyone. We discussed my choice of having the RNY. I'm a great candidate, no co-mornidities, just SUPER morbidly obese. I stopped smoking about 2 months ago, but I have had a rogue cigarette or three since then. She said this doc requires 6 months. I was like hell to the naw.. I am trying to go the three month pre-op route. We need to talk about this shyt (Scuse my language). She said I could discuss it with the doc, and she didn't think a few would hurt being that I have three more months.
930ish- Met with the insurance counselor who advised she hadn't done shyt yet in regards to my insurance accept for get the precerts to thee visits, which was fine, because open enrollment for me is next week, and I will be changing, as my company only offers people who have been at the company less than a year the shytty plan, and then we must change the following year, so this will be to my benefit. I told her I would call her with that info next week.
10ish- Went back to the other office to complete my billion question psych evaluation binder. lol None of the questions were like I suspected. They didn't fit. They talked about pain... and well.. I can't describe it, but hell,I was cool with it because I am crazy as hell, and I managed to fly under the radar by answering questions I didn't feel had a damn thang to do with this, but then again, I'm not a profession, just a genius in my own right.
1030ish- Watched movies about the surgeries and spoke with the program coordinator who gave us another handbook, and info to the new state of the art health center the program will be opening. I'm kinda excited about the various classes, tai chi and shyt... right up my alley :)
11ish Appt with the psychologist, who for some reason I didn't really care for, not that he was rude or anything..He started out with "I don't make the decision for you to have the surgery or not, but the docs really do listen to what I say". Ok mfer... That's cute and all, but do what you have to do, because I really am nuts, and I will STILL have this surgery..lol. He asked the questions...Why do you think you will succeed? Many fail... He said that a few times actually. Well asshole, I will succeed because I found my grandmother DEAD who had a massive heart attack when I was 17, and I watched my mother have a massive stroke when I was 19, and I do not want to leave my children without a mother. I have no choice BUT to succeed. He basically told me some mish mosh, after which I asked to him to clarify. He said :I am giving the green light, but proceed with caution. The only thing I have noticed in your paperwork and your conversation is your irritability, so I suggest you speak with a psychiatrist and maybe they can put you on a mood stabilizer". lol.. Wow... Finally someone understands.
Go back out to the waiting area, and I am almost finished. They said expect to be there all day and I am happy! I thought I might be ablet to actually go home and put my swollen feet up! WRONG. Last appt was with the nut. So i'm waiting patiently with my Cosmo, updating my facebook. It's just 12ish... HA! The coordinator asked if I wanted to take a lunch... I was like ummmm.. no... I'll wait. mAs I sat and read, I thought about it.. That bytch ain't coming back no faster is she? Might as well go run errands, which I did. She asked me to return around 115. I did.
The nut came out to get me at 150p. I wanted to break her bony arse in half, because I was cutting it close. I cancelled my bff picking up my baby from the bus stop because I assumed I would be home, and it was nearing two. He gets home at 3:11. She gets out the weight loss caloric binder, and the fat and sugar scare tactics, and i was like "look... You will cry when I tell you what I eat., however, you will be happy when you see the results because I know what to do, I just don't do them because I am not accountable to anyone." After that, we had a great understanding, and worked together very well.
Even though I eat 1 to two times a day, I eat what I want like I'm a 17 year old high school football player, so I will be meeting with her again in two weeks to really get me on this high protein/low carb pre-op diet plan, but right now, it is our introductory phase:
1. No fried foods
2. Do not drink my calories
3. No biscuit/rolls/
4.70 grams of protein
5.70-120 grams carbs
6. Eat three meals
7. However much meat I am currently eating,decreaswe by half- eventually 6-8 ounces per day, no high fat means such as bacon or sausage- which sucks.
8. don't boil my veggies, buy those micro bags
9. Only spray butter, bust buy everything low or no-fat.
10. If I bite it, write it.
11. Have a salad with lunch and dinner. Stay about 500 cals per meal.
Last night, I went to the store, and bought some frozen indie chicken breasts, some veggie bags, some sf jell-o, low fat cheese.you know.. just a few things for now.
I started off good this morning. Have my journal. Made myself a half gallon of water for the day. Slipped up and at 5 cookies, but I held myself accountable by writing them down.
Then a fricking toxic friend called me around 6ish this evening (same friend I was talking to on the phone last night while byuying my healthy foods), My kids had just both pissed me off, so that made me hungry for something, a cigarette or a brownie, or a steak.. or all... I don't know... In any case, she told me she was making my favorite food. No will power yet... and I never ever go over to her house.. But YES... I went, ate about 6 of these little eggroll type things, made myself a cocktail, and came on home. Failure.
Today...
Oct 11, 2009
A rush of overwhelming sadness just came across me. I was reading over some other profiles, and I see myself in them. I am so very afraid of not waking up or having some type of complication. Even after selecting the bariatric center I do believe I am going to select, and seeing the statistics, and even though I do not have any known co-morbidities, I am afraid that I will be in the minority of those who lose their lives trying to change their lives. I am afraid that I will leave my children with no mother. That's really all I care about. My children. As a single parent, no one is going to love or care for my children the way that I do. On the other side of that coin, I can die like this, and our quality of life is starting to suck because I don't have the energy to do anything either. Hell, I could die in a car crash tomorrow.
It's therapeutic to write this here, as I don't really care to share this with anyone irl. My flavor of the moment seems to think we can do this together. He works out to keep weight on him. I can't even bring myself to tell him how much I weigh, and I am not even sure if he is the one for me, although he has expressed he wants to marry me. I just ended an engagement in May, and I am really not ready to go down that road again yet, but that's an entirely different story -lol, but not really.
I am just waiting on the approval from the bariatric center, and for my initial day of appointments to be scheduled. I can take up to two weeks, so I will patiently wait.
0 comments
It's therapeutic to write this here, as I don't really care to share this with anyone irl. My flavor of the moment seems to think we can do this together. He works out to keep weight on him. I can't even bring myself to tell him how much I weigh, and I am not even sure if he is the one for me, although he has expressed he wants to marry me. I just ended an engagement in May, and I am really not ready to go down that road again yet, but that's an entirely different story -lol, but not really.
I am just waiting on the approval from the bariatric center, and for my initial day of appointments to be scheduled. I can take up to two weeks, so I will patiently wait.
First Seminar - On my way-ish?
Oct 05, 2009
Ok... I cancelled the first seminar because I didn't really wish to utilize the facility, and did some online research, and I figured there were some better programs for me. Plus, my female stalker (long story) was trying to go there too. 
In any case, so I was very excited about today's seminar at Central Baptist. These guys have been very successful, 100% lap rate on all patients thus far. In addition, all those pre-op test needs are handled on two separate days and set up by the Bariatric Center. They also have their own pcp, who I found on their website was none other than one of my brothers from church. I said God must be in this, because Jai is a good guy, and is going to look me over. I felt better. 
Soooo.. I get there...And hell... I believe in omens and signs (for some things, but I don't like black cats crossing my paths, for my feet to be swept at, or for mirrors to be broken... but I digress). So I get off work at five, get ready to go, traffic across town was so smoooooothe like butta... I was like wth? This is in the cards... I pull up to the hospital, didn't get lost... found a decent spot... Go in.. Elevators are right there... I prayed for this ya know?
I press the button for the lower level.. and the door closes. I'm standing there... One floor... Nothing happens.. I press the button again..
It didn't light up.. I'm like ok.. I go outside of the elevator.I look around to see if someone knew of something wrong with the damn thing or to maybe report it... nobody... In a major hospital.. Nobody is around? No one waiting? I'm like aaight. 
This is ridiculous. I'll just take the other one.. Where are the stairs? No stairs around here...It's cutting it close to six and did not want to be late. I got here on time! I get on the other elevator and press up, so I could press down because the other one I was just in was like.. hey.. i'm here... Waiting on you booboo.. I go up to 2, and a very nice Good Witch looking lady informed me I was on the second floor. 
Well no shyt lady. That's exactly what I pushed. I told her that that elevator didn't work, and she "helped" me in telling me that she thought the one I was in would go to the other level. Good idea! Thanks!
Anyhoo.. I get down to the lower level, and was greeted by some nice ladies... told them the elevator didn't work, and one was like yeah I know. That happened to me. Great. Thanks for telling maintenance.
OK- BUT THE SEMINAR
So I go and find a seat in this beautiful auditorium. Dr Denk gives his presentation, which was a review of services, facilities, blah blah blah..
Then there is a dumb one of us, who was there with his fiance, who was considering surgery. I knew that it was about to be some bullshyt when the presentation locked up and while the doc was fixing it he said "Hey...When we gone be able to ask some questions?" He carried on during the questions session about his momma having the surgery and why did she put protein in her bottled water... and if she ain't gone be hungry for the first six months... well he was in the hospital last week with the flu throwing up so how is she gone get her nutrients if she ain't hungry? AND her family says don't do it... her co-workers say don't do it. They thank she's doing it because of me. WHAT IN THE HELL? 
Everything else was just everything else. Just gotta budget for this $500 program fee. Still thinking about Dr John Husted in Somerset. He is very well-known, and I am really interested in the DS. Checked the DS board (lurk mode), and have seen some issues in regards to patients being rescheduled, hospital issues, etc. We'll see. Either way, I am shooting for my new life to begin in January or February.
0 comments
In any case, so I was very excited about today's seminar at Central Baptist. These guys have been very successful, 100% lap rate on all patients thus far. In addition, all those pre-op test needs are handled on two separate days and set up by the Bariatric Center. They also have their own pcp, who I found on their website was none other than one of my brothers from church. I said God must be in this, because Jai is a good guy, and is going to look me over. I felt better. Soooo.. I get there...And hell... I believe in omens and signs (for some things, but I don't like black cats crossing my paths, for my feet to be swept at, or for mirrors to be broken... but I digress). So I get off work at five, get ready to go, traffic across town was so smoooooothe like butta... I was like wth? This is in the cards... I pull up to the hospital, didn't get lost... found a decent spot... Go in.. Elevators are right there... I prayed for this ya know?
I press the button for the lower level.. and the door closes. I'm standing there... One floor... Nothing happens.. I press the button again.. It didn't light up.. I'm like ok.. I go outside of the elevator.I look around to see if someone knew of something wrong with the damn thing or to maybe report it... nobody... In a major hospital.. Nobody is around? No one waiting? I'm like aaight. This is ridiculous. I'll just take the other one.. Where are the stairs? No stairs around here...It's cutting it close to six and did not want to be late. I got here on time! I get on the other elevator and press up, so I could press down because the other one I was just in was like.. hey.. i'm here... Waiting on you booboo.. I go up to 2, and a very nice Good Witch looking lady informed me I was on the second floor. Well no shyt lady. That's exactly what I pushed. I told her that that elevator didn't work, and she "helped" me in telling me that she thought the one I was in would go to the other level. Good idea! Thanks!Anyhoo.. I get down to the lower level, and was greeted by some nice ladies... told them the elevator didn't work, and one was like yeah I know. That happened to me. Great. Thanks for telling maintenance.
OK- BUT THE SEMINAR
So I go and find a seat in this beautiful auditorium. Dr Denk gives his presentation, which was a review of services, facilities, blah blah blah..
Then there is a dumb one of us, who was there with his fiance, who was considering surgery. I knew that it was about to be some bullshyt when the presentation locked up and while the doc was fixing it he said "Hey...When we gone be able to ask some questions?" He carried on during the questions session about his momma having the surgery and why did she put protein in her bottled water... and if she ain't gone be hungry for the first six months... well he was in the hospital last week with the flu throwing up so how is she gone get her nutrients if she ain't hungry? AND her family says don't do it... her co-workers say don't do it. They thank she's doing it because of me. WHAT IN THE HELL? Everything else was just everything else. Just gotta budget for this $500 program fee. Still thinking about Dr John Husted in Somerset. He is very well-known, and I am really interested in the DS. Checked the DS board (lurk mode), and have seen some issues in regards to patients being rescheduled, hospital issues, etc. We'll see. Either way, I am shooting for my new life to begin in January or February.
A decision...
Sep 21, 2009
I think I have decided to have the duodenal switch surgery. The closest and best surgeon here in Kentucky from what I have studied is John Husted. I think I am a better candidate for the DS because "dumping syndrome" really bothers me, and I appreciate the fact that the intestines are not rerouted. It doesn't hurt that I will be able to have a fork of cheese cake too.. Why am I still worrying about what I will be able to eat?
I am really looking around in this area, but he seems to be the best around these parts. One thing that I am curious about is his consults. While they are very accomodating, it's possible to do your first consult over the phone (he is 2 1/2 hours away). The second consult is done until 1-2 days before surgery or the day OF surgery...Now I don't know, but I need someone to be looking all over my body before we meet in the OR. Aftercare can be done by phone as well... I don't care. I will have to make the trip for the visits if I use him. The phone thang ain't for me.
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I am really looking around in this area, but he seems to be the best around these parts. One thing that I am curious about is his consults. While they are very accomodating, it's possible to do your first consult over the phone (he is 2 1/2 hours away). The second consult is done until 1-2 days before surgery or the day OF surgery...Now I don't know, but I need someone to be looking all over my body before we meet in the OR. Aftercare can be done by phone as well... I don't care. I will have to make the trip for the visits if I use him. The phone thang ain't for me.
Insurance Coverage- I was scared to find out.
Sep 18, 2009
Well... I checked my health insurance website (Aetna),
and found out that I didn't have to do the six months weight program, but I do have to do the surgery prep regimen. 
The site also said this didn't actually mean the surgery would be covered, and i was concerned about my particular plan having some type of rogue exclusion, so I called to follow-up. 
After holding for 15 minutes, 
the very nice young lady came back on the line and asked if it would be medically necessary. "Ma'am, I'm huge," I replied with a smile in my voice. "I would not be doing this for cosmetic reasons". Back on hold, and she came back to tell me, this surgery would be covered on my plan. I feel better going to this informational session knowing this. Thanks to all of you, I already knew what I might have to do pre-op. This might be fairly easy with Aetna. 
Stop here: Boring part is for me and those who haven't really looked into it. :)
0 comments
and found out that I didn't have to do the six months weight program, but I do have to do the surgery prep regimen. The site also said this didn't actually mean the surgery would be covered, and i was concerned about my particular plan having some type of rogue exclusion, so I called to follow-up. After holding for 15 minutes, the very nice young lady came back on the line and asked if it would be medically necessary. "Ma'am, I'm huge," I replied with a smile in my voice. "I would not be doing this for cosmetic reasons". Back on hold, and she came back to tell me, this surgery would be covered on my plan. I feel better going to this informational session knowing this. Thanks to all of you, I already knew what I might have to do pre-op. This might be fairly easy with Aetna. Stop here: Boring part is for me and those who haven't really looked into it. :)
-
Multidisciplinary surgical preparatory regimen: Proximate to the time of surgery, member must participate in organized multidisciplinary surgical preparatory regimen of at least three months duration meeting all of the following criteria, in order to improve surgical outcomes, reduce the potential for surgical complications, and establish the member's ability to comply with post-operative medical care and dietary restrictions:
- Consultation with a dietician or nutritionist; and
- Reduced-calorie diet program supervised by dietician or nutritionist; and
- Exercise regimen (unless contraindicated) to improve pulmonary reserve prior to surgery, supervised by exercise therapist or other qualified professional; and
- Behavior modification program supervised by qualified professional; and
-
Documentation in the medical record of the member's participation in the multidisciplinary surgical preparatory regimen at each visit. (A physician's summary letter, without evidence of contemporaneous oversight, is not sufficient documentation. Documentation should include medical records of the physician's initial assessment of the member, and the physician's assessment of the member's progress at the completion of the multidisciplinary surgical preparatory regimen.)
First Steppin' It (and another thing)
Sep 16, 2009
Two days ago I registered for my first seminar at Saint Joseph East Hospital. I am feeling good about this. I made the mistake of telling a girl I know about my decision to have wls. It was really by accident. She called, and I was on OH, which is my "thang" right now, and I told her I had been researching WLS. She asked what hospital I considered and I told her. The same day I registered, she called me and told me she had registered too. Good for you boo, but yours is not the type of energy I intend to be around along this journey. Long story.
Anyhoo... I was wondering... I noticed many people say they seemed invisible at their highest weights. It is quite the contrary for me. I almost feel as though I am looked at as an sexual object. I am a mother of two, active in my church, and live a decent life, but there seems to be a tag (invisible to me) on my forehead that says "FREAK". When I do lose this weight, I will be excited to be seen as just "me". I have been blessed to be with some wonderful men, and have had great relationships in my life, but I often wonder if I am approached in such a way because I am big? Do people associate that with low self esteem? I like to think I am a sexy beast, but come on...I am propositioned daily.. and even if I give a man the opportunity to know me further (for my screening purposes), he thinks it's ok to approach me about sex, which ends in a cuss out, and me bringing out a side that can be veddy veddy ugly. lol. I want people to notice my depth- not my booty, thighs, etc... I will not be missing that aspect of being this size. Anyone else go through this?
3 comments
Anyhoo... I was wondering... I noticed many people say they seemed invisible at their highest weights. It is quite the contrary for me. I almost feel as though I am looked at as an sexual object. I am a mother of two, active in my church, and live a decent life, but there seems to be a tag (invisible to me) on my forehead that says "FREAK". When I do lose this weight, I will be excited to be seen as just "me". I have been blessed to be with some wonderful men, and have had great relationships in my life, but I often wonder if I am approached in such a way because I am big? Do people associate that with low self esteem? I like to think I am a sexy beast, but come on...I am propositioned daily.. and even if I give a man the opportunity to know me further (for my screening purposes), he thinks it's ok to approach me about sex, which ends in a cuss out, and me bringing out a side that can be veddy veddy ugly. lol. I want people to notice my depth- not my booty, thighs, etc... I will not be missing that aspect of being this size. Anyone else go through this?
I am changing...
Aug 31, 2009
and not necessarily for the better. My confidence level is plummeting rapidly. Since I have decided to go ahead and get the WLS process started, I feel almost paranoid. I pride myself on my appearance actually...I guess making the best out of what I have, but everything in regards to my weight is magnified right now. I went to the store yesterday after church to pick up some items for my Sunday dinner, and thought I saw two teenage girls snickering...I went out on a date Friday night, and changed at least 8 times, not to mention the fear of breaking a chair or not fitting into a booth made me break out in a cold sweat (none of which has ever happened, nor did it happen that night).
I have told a few people about my decision, and can't believe they actually want me to stay this way! You just have a big butt? You are not that big? You aren't sick? What? I am close to 400 pounds!
Is this what rock bottom feels like? I'm not exactly having a pity party or anything (outwardly anyway) This is the only place I would actually verbalize this :)
2 comments
I have told a few people about my decision, and can't believe they actually want me to stay this way! You just have a big butt? You are not that big? You aren't sick? What? I am close to 400 pounds!
Is this what rock bottom feels like? I'm not exactly having a pity party or anything (outwardly anyway) This is the only place I would actually verbalize this :)
