Braven05

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So much has happened since I last posted on here.  Definitely way way way off track and hoping to start fresh at a new doctor's office and start losing again.  I gained a BUNCH of weight back, found out I was expecting in December of 2010 and had my baby girl Avery 7 weeks ago today!  I am transferring my care from 2 hours away to right here in town so I don't have to go so far and am truly hoping this will help get me back on track.  When I got pregnant I was about 296 lbs, when I gave birth I was 300 lbs (did help not gain weight through pregnancy!) and after I gave birth I was down to 275 lbs...I'd like to keep going down.  Anyways, just thought I'd throw a quick update up here!

Haven't been on OH in months...maybe have lost my way a little....okay a lot.  Haven't been to a support group either.  Feel ashamed that I'm failing right now and want so badly to get back on track and I know that defeats the purpose of support groups but those people looked up to me cuz I had done so well and I've gained weight since my unfill and I hate myself for it.

Went in to get a fill yesterday.  Moved me from 3 cc to 4.5 cc...am hoping to have some restriction back because it will make it easier to make good choices.  Need to find my motivation to get back into the gym and get back where I was mentally when I started all this.  How have I strayed so far?

Its been a few weeks since I had my band emptied because of a stretched stomach.  This was supposed to shrink my stomach back into place and hopefully allow me to begin getting fills again.

I don't think its working.

My stomach throbs sometimes which tells me that things aren't right inside.  Either my stomach isn't shrinking or my band is still slipped. 

I'm so scared that I'm going to lose my band and gain all my weight back.  I just want everything back to the way it was before things went wrong.  I'm trying to do liquids for a few days to see if this will help with the pain and maybe the shrinking process...but its hard...I'm starving.  Last time I had nothing in my band I was all swollen from surgery still so I wasn't this hungry.

I go back to see the doctor on November 10th...I just know its going to be bad news.  I just wish I knew why this had to happen after 18 months...I was doing so well and feeling so good about myself and my progress. Blah.  This really sucks.

I went to see my PA yesterday and it was a lesson in listening to what my body is saying to me.  I knew there was something wrong.  Not being able to eat much for the past month and really abd heartburn daily.  I went in there and had lost 12 lbs and she was so happy and she said, you don't look very happy today and I said thats because I think somethings wrong and she said, noo there's nothing wrong...then she looked at my band under flouro...and her face fell.

We could see a bubble, which was my stomach and my band in the wrong position.  She said it could just be in the wrong position because my stretched stomach is pushing it down.  She completely unfilled me and we're waiting 4-6 weeks to see if it corrects itself.  I am so scared that I'm going to gain weight and scared that its not going to fix itself.  18 months and I'm only halfway there...I'm not ready for this to be over.

So after my last visit with the PA where we decided I didn't need a fill and scheduled an appointment for June 16th, I decided that I actually was probably still too tight...so I called and they squeezed me in yesterday for an unfill.  I was going to ask her to take out .25cc which would take me just .25cc above where I was before I got my last fill.  BUT as I know all too well, things don't always go as planned.

She took a picture at my current level as I swallowed barium and marveled at how slow it went through, then decided to take .5cc out instead of .25cc, which has brought me back to my previous level prior to my fill.  As she did this she assured me that she knew of people who'd had the exact same thing happen and they didn't go back to the prior restriction level, but kept some of the restriction they'd had.  I've also heard of this happening to people...so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that I still keep some restriction and maybe in 8 weeks I'll need a little tweak.  I just want to get losing again.  On a positive note - I didn't experience any heartburn when I layed down to go to sleep last night...first time in weeks!

Saw the nurse practitioner yesterday and we both agreed that I didn't need a fill because I still had restriction.  Since seeing her 8 weeks ago I had lost 7 lbs (most of which came from the plateau buster diet) and she was very happy with that.

On another note, something weird has been going on with my stomach yesterday and today.  I thought yesterday was just a fluke but its continuing into today.  I could hardly get anything down yesterday, not even water.  It wasn't coming back up, it was just hurting and going down really slow.  I didn't say anything about it to the PA, aside from saying that my band was unpredictable and I hadn't been able to get much of anything down, because I thought it would go away.  In the evening I was able to eat some scrambled eggs and some sausage without much of a problem, but today the problem is persisting.  It has me a little nervous.

Day 2 of the Plateau Buster's Diet.  I was amazed by the end of the night yesterday how I wasn't really hungry!  I dropped in calories by at least 400 but I can honestly say I spent less time hungry yesterday than before I started the diet...weird!  Must be all that protein.  It just goes to show that when you're doing the right thing your body responds and when you're doing the wrong thing your body responds too, but not in a good way.  Here's what I'm eating today:

B - Atkin's Advantage chocolate shake
S - 1oz % cheese stick
L - 1 hardboiled egg, 17 slices turkey pepperoni, sf jello
S - 6 oz plain yogurt
D - chicken and broccoli stir fry w/peanut sauce
S - 2 sf popsicles

Just hoping today goes as well as yesterday did.  I honestly wasn't tempted to cheat, but it took a lot of conciousness to think about what I could eat and what I couldn't eat and making sure I wasn't straying from the list.  I also had a dinner all made up last night and when I went to eat it the ground turkey was full of bones so the whole meal was ruined and I ended up just eating 2 hard boiled eggs for dinner, which satisfied me just fine surprisingly.  Anyways, here's to day 2!

Today I'm beginning the Plateau Buster's Diet to try and jump start my metabolism and lose some weight.  It will also help me regain some control, because I have let myself cheat more often than I'd like to.  So a few of us here on OH are going to do this diet for the next 10 days and hopefully we'll see some good results.  Its basically a detox from carbohydrates (evil, evil) and consists mostly of protein.  Which, if I know my body, I'd better start taking some stool softeners regularly (yes, I know, TMI haha).  Here is what I have planned for today :

Breakfast - Atkin's Advantage chocolate shake
Morning Snack - 4 oz Dannon Light and Fit vanilla yogurt
Lunch - small (4 oz) chicken breast with low/no carb teriyaki sauce as a marinade, 1 oz 2% cheese stick, sugar free jello
Afternoon Snack - 1 oz 2% cheese stick
Dinner - small (4 oz) chicken breast, 1/2 cup cabbage (steamed)
Evening snack - 1 sugar free popsicle

That puts me at a total of 35 g of carbs for the day.  I hope that is a reasonable number.  Anyways, crossing my fingers that this helps and that I don't want to gnaw off my own fingers by the end of the day!

Its a beautiful morning here - the sun is shining and its supposed to be the warmest day of the week.  I can't help but be thankful to wake up this morning a diferent person than I woke up a year ago today.  It is unreal that its been a whole year since I was banded.

A year ago I was filled with such hope for what the future would bring, weight loss, increased energy, increased activity level, increase joy for life, increased confidence in myself.  And though I haven't reached goal yet, I've reached all of those things and more.  I still have a long road ahead of me, and many pounds to lose, but I am truly leading a different life today.  I still have hope for great things in my future and I have confidence in myself to make it all the way.

As of this morning I have lost 78 lbs since suirgery and 95 lbs overall since I started my pre-op diet.  On my refrigerator I have a picture of myself at my very highest after I quit smoking of 360 lbs.  Today I am 110 lbs lighter than that person and that picture inspires me to keep doing what I'm doing and to keep on going.

This website has provided a wealth of support for me, as well as many other people that I have met in person that give me constant support and inspiration.  I'm very grateful for all of it, and for this journey I'm on.  Although Ive had some struggles just recently over the past 2-3 monts I haven't lost faith and I still believe that this surgery was the best ting I could have done for myself.  I hope things get easier, I hope I start losing again, but I'm still grateful to be the person I am today!

So the .5cc unfill was too much.  I can now eat almost like I could pre-fill and I am hungry more often.  And damn me and my lack of self control, I went for 8 weeks without being able to eat anything really so I've been really bad for the past week and a half.  I think I've eaten out more this week than I have in 6 months time - like 4 times I think.

I have plans to have lunch with my boss next week and after that I'm not eating out again for 2 months.  I have a bet going with my roommate that if we both go 2 months without eating out then we'll go to the Japanese Steakhouse once.  If either person messes up, then we both start over.

I think I just need anoher .25cc because obviously this fill level is not enough.  Its insane to me that .25cc can make such a big difference!  I'm just hoping that when I go back in another 8 weeks that my Dr. will listen to me and give me .25cc if I ask for it.  And I need to get myself under control and stop eating crap.  If I plan my meals out day by day each week I do perfectly fine.  Its when I don't plan that I have a problem and its when my roommate says, "Hey Damara, want to get cheesecake for snack tonight??"  NO!  Cheesecake is EVIL....just say no.  I need to get some alternatives that will satisfy my sweet tooth but won't cost me hundreds of calories.

AND I'm getting sooooooo antsy for spring time.  I want to get my bike out so bad and go riding in the evenings after work.  We had a teaser here for a few days it was getting increasingly warmer....and last night it snowed.   Bah...I NEED spring to be here!