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december 6th, I'm finally getting this hunk of skin cut off of my body. I'm honestly in shock, I can't believe it's gonna finally happen.

I wish I weighed less- coming back from camp usually helps me down a couple of pounds. but alas, I was 191.4 when I stepped on this morning- far more than I expected, and more than even my "panic point" of 190. I had shakes today and then brussel sprouts and shakes for dinner, and I will start calorie counting in the morning. It's essential for me to get back to my lowest weight before the pre-op weigh in, possibly even lower. I have 4 months to do it.

lots of thoughts, but I'm distracted right now. will write later

I'm sure most of y'all here have tried diets after diets. I know I have. Hell, I still do. Since I had surgery my weight has fluctuated between 176-190. One of the things that I've been struggling to embrace is my agency in this whole process. I feel like I've constantly been trying to fight for everyone to understand my own personal work in this matter, and you can hear it when I talk about my surgery. I tend to indicate to people that I had surgery, it didn't work (my band slipped and I had no restriction) but I lost weight because I was really pushing for it to work. I was 203 when I went in for my second surgery, and they removed the band and sewed up the significant hole in my stomach. I usually tell people that my stomach is slightly smaller than it was but still significantly bigger than anyone else who has a sleeve. All of that is true. It's true that my doctor did NOT perform sleeves, and mine was done only because it was an "extenuating circumstance". Its true that his primary goal was to save my life not to perfect my weight loss, and it would have been risky removing lots of stomach tissue because of how degraded my stomach had become with the erosion. It's also true that I did get a leak, so his concerns were well founded. I used all that information as my justification for why I'm still 180 lbs rather than my goal of 158. I used it to justify my feelings of helplessness, and the subsequent unhappiness I had from that.

I really did try to keep losing weight. My lifestyle since surgery is COMPLETELY different. Every thing I eat is different. All the excercise I do. Etc etc. however, nothing besides short lived liquid diets give me any weight loss. I tried lots of different methods. I got a pedometer. I tracked my calories. I got jobs on my feet. I ate almost exclusively protein. I ate foods I hated. I tried to be more balanced. I abstained from alcohol. Nothing produced more than a 2-3 lb change, followed by a plateau. And (especially because I felt so out of control there) that meant they were all incredibly hard to continue doing. I was SO scared I was going right back up to crazy obesity. So scared as soon as I lost the fight in me and "let myself go" and ate somewhat normally, I would be right back in the 200s.

I told myself that anytime I hit 190 was considered "Panic mode" and I needed to do something- anything- to get back down to the 180-185 range that's now my comfortable habitat. Well, after a slacking semester where I didnt frequent the gym a lot, and a long, celebratory holiday season, I returned to Gainesville and hit the scale. 190.3. So, I bought some protein powder, re-instituted the calorie count, and didn't buy any more of the things I eat that are more caloric (namely nuts, my cheese- though its reduced fat, and occasionally ice cream). Seems like any other diet, right? 

Well, this time it wasn't. One thing that I had never really acknowledged was how unreliable my calorie counting was. Sure, I'd do plenty of days where I'd stay within my 1,200 calorie limit. I loved charting then. But when I strayed? 50 calories- probably gonna chart it. 2000 calories? No way in hell. That first week I decided, "No matter what, I'm going to chart it. I'm not gonna let the shame of being in the red control me." The night after that, I was bored, tired, and reallly hungry (and I had almost nothign in my kitchen). I ate almost an entire bag of baked tostidos. I rationalized myself saying, "Well, at least they were baked, so they're healthier than the originals" but I definitely felt beyond full eating them. and then I went and charted the calories in them.... it was astronomical. It was such a shocker. It was more than I'd eaten the entire rest of the day and then some. But, I didn't let it beat me up. I just said, "Fuck that, next time if I want to binge I'm getting cheesecake, that wasn't worth it!" It has totally helped my awareness when I am mindlessly consuming food. If I think, "I just have to keep track of how much so I can write it down." then it just makes me so much more aware than I ever was that I'm eating, I'm consuming these calories, and I want to. I've been on this a few weeks and guess what?  I go over my weekly amount more often than I stay on it. It's set at 1100 and my actual average is about 1560. But I've still lost weight. Really lost weight.

That realization has made me acknowledge- okay, yes, my body is stubborn. Yes, my metabolism is slow. but no, its not hopeless. a lot of the reason why I couldnt do it before was because I couldn't face the reality when I went off the plan. So those days get uncharted, I tend to not dwell on them, and suddenly I'm saying, "WTF. I'm eating 1,100 calories a day and I'm not losing any weight." No, I'm really not.

I HIGHLY recommend the calorie counting method to anyone who's having trouble. its a feat, to be honest with yourself. but even if you do it for a few weeks and then not for a long time, it provides you with so much valuable information if you're willing to look honestly. Look at your choices. I have eaten PLENTY of junk in these last 3 weeks without regret- tons of jelly beans, chocolate cake, at least half a dozen cookies, alcohol. I've lost 6 1/2 lbs anyway. And knowing I have the power to do it is more important than any of this other stuff, because that's really where it all matters. That thought has enabled me to get up early to go to the gym, to pass on some food I think I want, and to work toward my goals.

One other thing, besides Daily Plate where I chart my calories, that has been incredibly helpful is my fitbit (bless that machine). Fitbits are these clever little bugs that you stash on your body (I clip mine to my bra cause I lost a few on my pants) and they monitor your steps throughout the day. I don't care what people say about not needing someone to cheer them on, I KNOW for me, when my fitbit notes that I take the stairs all the time, there's recognition there. I can gloat that I've made goals and met them, that I've been reasonably active, etc. It also tends to kick me in the pants when I haven't been getting adequate sleep.

Fitbit recently added a weight loss/calorie O'dometer of sorts to its site. This means, based on your current stats, it will tell you about how many calories you can eat to lose at a certain rate. thats no different than livestrong, or many other sites out there. the things that are unique to fitbit, that I appreciate are: 1. its a range, not a number, so I feel less discouraged by it and more flexible 2. most importantly, the range is automatically adjusted to the amount of calories you burned that day. well, livestrong does that too- you plug in the exercise you performed, and it subtracts. What's the difference? Fitbit is taking your calories into account without you doing anything, and its way more truthful than just what you did at the gym. take the stairs? park a little farther away? fitbit will give you more calories. sit on your butt after you did your hour workout? probably not as active as the day you were running errands. boom. go over my calorie limit? walk to the grocery store, instead of drive, and when I check it again I'm automatically back in the green zone.

All that to say, I've had an incredibly productive few weeks, and the diet is the easiest one I've done in a long time. Sustainable. not awful. the frequent and accurate help that I get from fitbit and livestrong have made this an actual possibility for me. they said I'll reach my "goal" of 158 by April 24th. I don't know if that's really what I'm aiming for still, and I know during spring break I will certainly set myself back, but I'm really glad to feel equipped and powerful to make my body look and feel the way I want it to.

I'd like a little simplicity. I'd like to not have to sort out all my feelings and rationale and pro/cons and whatever.

I don't know how I'm supposed to behave toward this guy- I don't know whether I want to seek him out when I've got stuff on my mind or not. He's not a very good listener- well, scratch that, he can be a good listener, but its not his usual thing to pry with me. And my usual is to wait for people to ask questions. I love it when people ask me questions. Hell, it's probably my favorite thing when I want to talk about a subject with someone. Questions show they care enough to be actively thinking about it. Questions give me a segway into putting my incredibly jumbled confusifying mind into cohesive sentences. Eric assumes if I'm being vague I dont want to talk about it. Or maybe he just isnt interested (but I doubt that). So, I had the option- instruct him on how I am, wait and hope he figures it out, or just let it be? If I was actually dating him, and my goal was to grow together, I'd instruct him- but do I want us to grow together? Am I just passive to it? Or am I trying to put the breaks on?

yeah, so, complicated is lame.

I scrapped the diet, and started doing one things as much as possible- cooking and eating a big filling dinner. I noticed most of my eating was at night and I'd stay hungry and keep snacking. So, it's helped a little. still at 185 but thats about as good as its gonna get anyway.

I've been trying to decide about dating- there is a guy back in houston who really likes me and wants to be with me, even if that means moving all the way to gainesville. I care about him, but his faith is really not important to him, and its incredibly important to me, so I'm less than gung-ho. My friends have been quick to point out that I'm pretty risk-adverse when it comes to dating, so if he's willing to do everything and I just have to be honest, what's the harm? 

I agree with that, for the most part. I'm just not sure if I want to wage an epic battle within myself over whether or not I'm gonna have sex with this guy. He's great about it, and completely fine with my boundaries. I'm just going back and forth, and the weightiness of that is starting to make me a little nervous I guess.

so, I had an amazing weekend in new orleans, but now I'm hovering dangerously close to 190 lbs- 188.6 today. I'm hoping that switching back to normal food will fix that, but time will tell. I haven't been to the gym since last wednesday, which is definitely the longest I've gone since I started. BUT I did run in New Orleans, and I'm miserably sore from riding the mechanical bull. So that's my excuse.

I realized that my love language is quality time so much it's practically scary. one of my best friends suprised me and spent the weekend with me, and just those three days changed me. I can feel it. My mom also mentioned how my friends here aren't like my friends from elsewhere- and she said she understands why I'm lonely. it is true that I'm really lonely here.

It's helping a lot that I go back to see my people in their various locations. unfortunately, I return here when I'm done. It's also helping immensely that my pastor is warming up to me, because I think he's totally legit and I want to get on board with what he's doing, and that's easier when I'm not wondering if he totally dislikes me.

had my first "organic" date today, so I feel a little accomplished. at least there are some boys in gainesville, I guess.

So, after my binge night, I adjusted some. I no longer require perfect adherence to the regime. If I am so hungry I spend 75% of my time or more thinking about food, or if the smell of something send me into explicit fantasies of what it would be like to have meat, or a sandwitch, or a cookie, I eat cabot cheese, yogurt, or kashi until my stomach no longer is in control. I'm definitely sticking to 1000 calories a day. It's a lot harder to exercise, but I've combated that by just doing it more- then if I only make it for 30 minutes, or at most an hour, it's cool. I also have been trying to walk home more, to keep the slow and steady exercise continuing. It is nice, I admit, to not have to really go shopping, or worry that the cucumber or blueberries are going bad in the fridge. I'm more irritable, and more tired, and I haven't yet stepped on the scale. I guess I'm afraid that if the number hasn't changed- and now I've been doing this for a little over a week- then I'm gonna totally go crazy, and Lord knows what will happen. I think I'm gonna be on my period soon, and if I am, then I'll probably weigh myself shortly thereafter. No sense freaking myself out over a couple pounds of water weight. If it works, I'll continue it until my trip to New Orleans. If it's not working, i'll kinda be glad- I'm really hungry and weak, and I have no desire to continue this with no results. I'll move on to trying to eat only 3 meals, and see how that affects me. Honestly, I don't know how full-blown anorexics do it- I literally want to bitch at everyone, or cry, or sleep. I mean, sure, the control factor is nice, but the iron grip I have to have on it wipes most of that away.

I was lurking on the revision board tonight, and I realized- some way, some how, I'll get it done. my parents aren't paying for anything anymore, which at first glance gives me terrors, but then I think, "Oh! independence=freeeedom! I can choose to be responsible with my finances, get on a track to paying back my student loans, and then 6 months later start the whole process of revision. I WILL find a way to get covered by insurance. after all, I'm gonna be a lawyer- if they want to contest me, I can represent myself. translation= it's not in their best interest to fight me. That hopeless quicksand feeling takes a blow with that information. Unfortunately, it's all on my own strength. that's causing some issues with me and God right now, but I'm too entrenched in my control tower to really have rational conversations.

If ONLY I could go back, I'd take it all away. I don't know whether I would have just not had surgery in the first place, or if I would have insisted on getting an RNY. Probably not had surgery- I wouldn't have known what I was missing. eh, hindsight's 20/20.

Frances

today didn't go so well. for the last three days, I've been pushing my body to see how few calories I can manage while still functioning. Also, I decided to play a whimsical game with my newly aquired adderol. monday- none tuesday-15 mg(half dose), wednesday 15, thursday none. Friday will be 30 or none, depending on my mood I guess. Anyway, I did really well monday tuesday and wednesday, getting in just a little over 700 calories- no small feat considering the hours of exercise I put in tuesday and wednesday, and the walking, rain, and glass blowing. today I was doing great too, but my resolve cracked and man... I definitely had at least 1000 calories on dinner alone. good news is, I'm full, and not lightheaded when I stand up. bad news is a 2-meal-replacement might be unsustainable. Or maybe not. I could just dust myself off and keep trying. honestly, I don't know what else to do. my parents, and most people, seem to think that I'm being irrational. you look fine, let it go. well, I don't look fine. I'm still a size 12 which is in plus sizes, I'm slowly eating more and more and it's much more likely that a "large" will fit than a medium. and I hate the way my body looks. Not the way it acts, because, I'm pretty fit now.... but I still look fat. and saggy. Mom so badly doesn't want me to have a revision- sometimes I see it through her eyes and think, why would anyone in their right mind want to voluntarily go through that again? but then, most of me thinks I'd rather die than live like this, basically helpless watching myself pile on the lbs until nothing is different. why me? I'm back up to 189.7, or at least I was before I started the extreme regime. I just can't have alcohol, or go out to eat, or any of the stuff I've been doing, with the weight going straight to my stomach. oh well.

additionally, my emotions have been a little wild and raw lately. part of it is because aaron got a life, so I don't talk to him and I used to a lot. part of it is my crazy relationship with medicine, and how uppers like adderol make my world a little less emo/clingy/weird. part of it is not having a good community, and certainly not a balanced, supporting one. however, I think the biggest reason is because the one person I managed to fall into a vulnerable, honest friendship with is completely unpredictable and 'unsafe' in my weird terminology. Even that realization comes with a ton of shame, when I look back at the people I've leaned on throughout the years there's decidedly one thing in common: they were safe, stable, predictable, loyal people, who needed me more than I needed them. Since I've discovered that, I decided it wasn't a good way to live, so I trudge through the uneasiness that comes with being in any way vulnerable with someone who could walk away at any second. that's been good, because I've learned about myself, and confronted my inner crazy. and she isn't as tough of a bitch as she used to be! in that, just like in most things, I have hope.

holidays were crazy. went up to 189.7 and down to 182.9 (apparently, miami is better for my weight than chicago, even though I drank in miami and not in chi-town). I think a lot of it has to do with being cold- I went running several times in miami, and I did work out in chicago too but many times I just wanted to sit around and do nothing because the weather outside sapped the heat from me. I haven't gotten on the scale since I got back from new orleans, but if the way my clothes are fitting is any indication of my weight, i'll be back hovering dangerously close to the 190 lb mark.

one thing that is great, but also overwhelming, is that I picked up all of my stuff from new orleans. It's great because I now have all those items that I was like, "Oh, if I just had ____". It also means I have more clothes. But it's overwhelming because I have to try to fit it all into my apartment. Several things I re-purchased, so that's annoying (two staplers, five rolls of tape, and several pairs of brown tights later...) I really do need to get all my stuff put away so I can start school and not feel like life is all over the place. I want to go to the gym now, but I'm also cold and want to go to the grocery store. etc etc.

I'm feeling less psycho about the weight stuff since I've been on break, which is good. Everything else in life is going really well, so I'm trying not to be too unhappy because I hate the way I look. At any rate, now things will be back to normal and I will have a real chance to whip things into shape.

anyway, just wanted to quickly write about the stuff before I jump back into it.

Ann

calorie counting has been put on hold for finals, but things are alright. I'm still not fitting into a lot of stuff, but I did lose an inch or so... I think..and 3 lbs total.

today was really good for me though, for a completely different reason. I've been having a really hard time with my church. I just feel like people aren't gonna let me into this group, and it's driving me a little crazy. Anyway, tonight was so nice because this great girl named mandy was like, "I really like you! I like how honest you are, and..." kinda went into how I don't bs everyone, and she thinks that's refreshing. It was just really heartfelt and needed at this moment, as I've been teetering around wondering if I am ever going to be accepted for who I am there. So, that was what I needed to keep getting me through.

I also made a kick-ass gumbo, if I do say so myself. Gainesville is unlike Miami in that it's epically cold, so I have that going for me.

houston in like 5 days!

Yeah, my self esteem has gone down the tube. I've been exercising at least 5x/week for an hour or more- hardcore stair stepping, bike riding, etc etc. This week, I've added calorie counting (1800 net cals, which is just barely enough to keep me from being hungry if I chose my food carefully, but its ok). And how much weight have I lost? "The big goose egg" as my Torts professor would say. Really? Over 20 additional hours of exercise, and tracking all those additional calories, and I don't have shit to show for it. My clothes don't even fit any better. my stomach is still huge.

I feel so trapped. helplessly trapped. I don't know what to try next, but I am really not okay with where I am now.