Juliscky33

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Hello all its been awhile. So last time I posted it was April of last year after that horrible phyc eval appointment. I went off the in to a really bad depression and was just going through the motions for like 2 months. My friends really rallied and helped get me back to where I needed to be and focused. 

I dove back into being a better me and working toward getting the sleeve surgery. I got all my requirments done in with the final being that phyc eval, I put it off cuz I just didnt want to see that guy again. However, after getting everything done, even losing the 50lb the doc required, I ended up in the hospital because i had the worst back spasm I had ever had. They did a scan and I had a cyst on my ovary that had grown to the size of a football. I never knew it was there. Because it was the holiday season the surgen couldnt get to it unil a few weeks ago, I had it removed on Feb 6th. I'm doing good and recovering. 

Now to get to the the big update. My gastric sleeve is scheduled for March 20th. I start the liquid diet on the 1st.  I am excited and freaking out. The surgery was always this abstract thing, something that yes I was working toward and want. Now that its real I still want to do this because I NEED to do this but I am terrified. Its ACTUALLY happening. Its REAL and its here. The change that I have been wanting, the health that I need and am striving for is now coming to pass. 

I feel like im having a panic attack and its now just all overwhelming. The PLANNING, all the things that I have reserched, everything I knew I would need to do, its all coming to fast for me to process. 

Ok so I know its been a bit but I have been dealing with work and other things. I finally got in with a psyc doctor and had my first session. It was great, I really liked him. He put me on prozac and after the first week I was feeling ok. THAN I started feeling hungry all the time. I have been on this diet were I have a protien shake for breakfast and lunch. I also have a snack and a good dinner. I lost 20lbs since my first appointment with my gastric doc back in March. So I was shocked when all of the sudden I feel like I am starving, my only thing I can think of is that its the prozac. My next appointment was suppose to be last week and it has to be rescheduled because my psyc doctor no longer is working at that practice anymore. WTF?!?!?! I get rescheduled with someone else for today. Get to that appointment and find out that Im seeing a nurse practitioner NOT psyc doc. AGAIN WTF?!?!? He than tells me to stop taking the Prozac because it and most anti depressents will basically cancel out the Wegovy I am on. 

Sooo..im back to square one finding a psyc doctor to make the other psyc doctor happy but I can't be on medication to help with anything because it will make me gain weight, and I need to lose 50lbs before the doc will even schedual the sugery. I weighted myself today and I gained 4lbs. Yes, I know its not alot and I can relose that with a good poo (LOL) but its the fact that the psyc doc perscribed it in the first place KNOWING I was on Wegovy and KNOWING I had to lose this weight. AND that now I have to go through the process of getting someone new. Its just soooo annoying.

Hello, Its been two weeks and I told myself that I would do this every week. However, I have failed once again. But in my defense I haven't really had much to say. Nothing new has been going on. I'm just working, keeping up my diet and trying not to lose my mind waiting for this surgery. I've been seeing a phyciatrist now for a few weeks and that seems to be going well. I like him and its always good to my your phyciatrist. I don't have my cartio appointment till next month. So, just plugging along. The only thing that I am still having problems with is my smoking. I've cut back but haven't been able to quit. 

On a diffrent note and just need to vent about it. I have quit soda and have been drinking water but water is soooo boring and I need flavor. So I was on tic tok and found myself on "water-tok". Were people post water recipes. so I jumped all over is. Got some zero sugar syrups and zero sugar flavor packets and have been having fun with flavors. However, I told some people about it and how excited I am cuz now I can drink more water and Im not craving soda. but instead of being suppotive they were telling me that I was wrong. Saying "it wasnt water anymore" and that all your doing is drinking "kool-aid" which is worse that soda. so now Im feeling bad because I am doing something for me and thought it was good and its not enough. 

So yeah that my rant for the week. What do you out there in the void think? 

I didn't post anything last week because I was just in a black hole. After finding out that I would have to wait 4 months to do another psyc evaluation I thought I was ok. yes it hit me hard but I thought about it and I was like "no its ok. i can do this." Well I guess my depression side of my brain was like "nope, you suck and now you are going to go down a dark hole and stay there for a bit." well I did, but during that dark hole I found that I didnt eat my feelings like I usually do. I actually stayed on my plan. Yes did I only have the energy to just go to work and than back to bed, yep. Granted I work from home so all i had to do was roll out of bed, put headphones on and talk give refunds all day. 

You want to know what brought me out of my black hole? Its going to be stupid and some TMI but its ok. So I have been on this plan where I have Protien shake for breakfast, protien shake for lunch and a really balanced dinner. I actually feel full all day and i always make my dinners really nice. but I have found that the protien has made me constipated and when I take a poo (or at least try to) it hurts. Like its not alot of poo when I go but its they feel like the size of a jagged soda can coming out of my butt. Like what the hell?!?! SO heres where the coming out of my emotional black hole happens. The other day I am trying to get this horrible poo out and I am straining so hard I threw by back out. You heard that right..I THREW MY BACK OUT TAKING A CRAP!! I could only walk bend over at close to a 90 degree angle and it was only to like couch to the chair to my bed. Laughing hurt and thats all i was doing was laughing. Its a new low when you throw your back out taking a dump. And whats sucks about the hole thing is that the dump that threw my back out wasnt even satisfying. It was the size of a damn pebble. I'm crapping like a deer and I threw my back out. 

Yeah so that was my past two weeks. Dard depression hole, stayed on my plan and threw my back out taking a dump. LOL

So this past week hasnt been to bad. But I did have my phsy eval yesterday and DUH IM DEPRESSED. DUH, I have PTSD. But I guess me seeing a counseler isnt enough for this guy that made me take a 350 question thing and talked to me for 15min. I have to see a psychologist and he will "revisit" the eval in four months. WHY THE HELL?!?!?! FOUR MONTHS. If I wasnt depressed before I am now. That hit me hard and just gutted me. Thats all for today, I just need to think about this for a bit

I am keeping to this habit of posting something every week. It helps me and right now I will take anything that helps me. This week has been emotional. I've been moody and grumpy and just plan blah. So what do I do when I'm all these things, I eat and drink soda, but because I have made this commitment to myself I didnt. which just made me more grumpy, so the most logical thing to do was start a fight with my roommate/best friend over leaving the cats water bowl in the dish washer.  Yes they do have another water bowl clearly full in the dining room but hello, they totally need to have two at all times because how can we just make them go aaalllll the way down stairs water?!?!? face palm 

Yes, I said I was sorry. Yes, my friend knew the water bowl wasnt what I was really grumpy and bout. Yes, we made up and watched Mando with wings. I didnt smother mine like I would normally do and ate more of the veggie sticks than wings. So, win win!! 

This next week is just another of this past week. Work, work, and more work. The following week will be exciting tho. Get to have my psych eval for the doc and than later in the week I get to have a Endoscopy done.  

Today was my appointment with my regular doctor. Told her about whats happened and she was so happy for me. I do love my doctor. She is going to help me with the 50lbs I need to lose before surgery and with the having to quit smoking. The only thing I found odd at the appointment was the scale. Its the same scale that my gastric doctor uses. So last week I weighted 426 but today, literaly a week later, I weight 416. There is no way that I lost 10lbs in a week. I didnt really change anything. I cut soda out after my appointment last week. I had a headache for three days but got over it. But is it possible that I lost 10lbs in a week just by cutting soda out? Maybe I just don't want to believe that its really possible. I'm still torn that this is all a dream and that its going to be ripped away from me at any moment. Which than makes me go down that spiral of why try, if its all going to vanish whats the point? I need to stop the spiral. writing out this blog helps. It gets everything that im feeling out and than makes me face it. I can do this, I can do this!!

Had my first doctor appointment today. I will say I love the doctor and the staff. He explained everything from start to finish on the process, had a good bedside manner but also didnt surgar coat things. Of all the things I have to do before the actual surgery the one that hit me the hardest was having to lose 50lbs. I knew that I would have to quit smoking, I knew that I would be cutting soda out and I knew that I would have to lose weight before the sugury to shrink my liver. however, I didnt expect it to be 50lbs. That number hurt my soul. If I could have lost 50lbs I wouldnt be in this mess. That deflated me. I know I can do it, its just seems like a huge number to lose when I have been struggling so hard to lose weight in the first place. I have my nutritionist appointment tomorrow. So hopfully I can pull my brain out of the funk before speaking with her. 

I know my relationship with food is a bad one. I emotional eat, I eat when im bored, I eat when im not even hungry because somedays its my only friend. Which typing that last part is very telling to me. My counseling appointment cant come soon enough. I need to fix this brain of mine.

I know I shouldnt be scared. I have nothing to be scared of but my first appointment with the DR. is tomorrow and i'm scared. However, when I try and really think about what is making me scared it always goes to change. I have been a big women for so long. I know this person, and yes this person isnt the best she can be. She is depressed but she is always know to be the bubbly sunshiny and full of rainbows, but shes not really like that. This wall of fat keeps people away. I crave people and attention but I don't want them to get to close. What happens when the that fat wall is gone? What happens when that wall comes crumbling down? Who am I going to be without the fatness? I am the size of three people if they weighed 150lbs. Is it odd to say I know those two other "me's"? I know who they are, what they represent and how they came in to this world. They have been with me through everything and have kept me safe. How do I say good bye to them? Which brings me back to, I'm scared!!

Today is the first day of it all. 

I found out about a program that my work pays for called Surgery Plus. I called them because I had no idea what they were or anything. What they told me blew my mind, but Im getting ahead of myself.

I am 41 and over 400lbs. The smallest I have ever been was 150lbs and that was in 1997 when I was in high school. I have gone up and down but never back down to that 150lbs. I'm divorced, childhood trama and adult trama, and no i'm not going to go in to all of it. yyyeesss I'm in therapy, before anyone asks. If anyone is even here, maybe Im writing this in to the void and its just good to write or is it at this point "type", because no one anyone writes down with pen and paper anymore. Sorry, Im rambling at this point. 

I had resigned myself to just being fat, obese, lard ass, big girl, or phat, whatever you want to call me, or really whatever I call myself. I've always been "that" girl in the friend group and I let myself just be ok with it. Ive been the friend that hangs out with the "hot" friend and just watch guys fall at her feet. Been the biggest girl in the room and be completly invisable. I never wanted to be that person but here I am 41 and im just tired. 

So back to this "surgery plus" call. They will pay for everything except the lab tests which my normal insurance will pay for. Did you hear me out there in the void? EVERYTHING. I started grilling because nothing good ever happens to me and it if does something worse happens later. Good things always comes with strings but there are no strings here and I dont know how to handle it. I cried like a baby and than screamed in happiness and than cried again. 

So here we are Day one, already filled out paperwork, and now I have an appointment with a doctor that is going to help change my life. So lets see how all this goes.