Bulimia...

So I'm about 3 years out from my Vertical Sleeve Surgery and I lost 157 pounds. This past year I had a breast lift and full body lift. I LOVED the results, but had to move back in with my parents during the recovery time. While I was there they "spoiled me" with junk food that I knew I shouldn't eat, but figured I was recovering for such a short period that it wouldn't matter in the long run. I also stopped exercising while I was recovering, but didn't think much of it because I looked great.  
It's been about 10 months since surgery and I'm still feeling a tad sore during physical activity, but nothing crazy. Unfortunately, I've had a horrible year filled with devastating family members dying and difficult personal relationships. I've found myself getting really depressed and eating crap to feel better I guess. Once I eat, I feel so guilty from ALL I've done to get to this new "Me"...so I've started to purge after eating. It is getting worse and worse and I feel like I'm lying to everyone. Strangly, it feels like the only thing I have control of in my life and I'm starting to binge and purge on a regular basis. The worst part is I've gained about 15 pounds back by doing this. I'm scared I've stretched my stomach and ruined the results from my surgery. I'm scared I can't stop eating on my own and am addicted to carbs again.

I'm wondering if ANYONE has any experience with this, and knows of any safe way I can go on some type of diet to "reshrink" my stomach and get back on track. I refuse to lose the results I've gone through so much to obtain, but I feel so lost. I know it would be veey easy to judge me, but please don't. This is the first time I've admitted this to anyone, but this forum has helped me so much throughout my journey, that I figured I'd come back to the basics and see what I can do to get better....
  

 find a therapist. fast. you owe it to yourself. 

Can I be honest? Get to a counselor, pronto. There are things you can do to get back on track, but none of it is going to work unless you get your head sorted out, too. There are a lot of emotional issues behind this kind of eating behavior and, from experience, anything you try is going to be a temporary stopgap without professional help.

I don't mean to sound blunt or unempathetic, because I am deeply so, but the sooner you get help dealing with it, the sooner you can get back to feeling great about the new you! And that's exactly what I want for you - whether it involves dropping those 15 lbs or not.

I was bulimic in my early 20's & was able to keep it a secret from my family for almost 4 years. It started when I was 19 & it was a gradual thing... Maybe purging once a day, then twice a day, then everytime I put something in my mouth, I'd go throw it up. I also felt I had control over something. People who found out thought it was so gross for me to be doing that but what they don't realize, we don't see it as gross, we see it as just something we have to do & not get grossed out by it. Finally my sister caught me & told me she would tell my parents if I did it again. I said, yeah right... Well, she told them & everyone was upset but also sad for me that I kept this a secret for so many years. I was quite humiliated so I quit cold turkey. But that is when my weight started to creep up & up. I wish I would have gotten some professional help early out so maybe I could have gotten my emotional eating under control.
Now that I'm sleeved & have gotten most of my excess weight off, I fear of past eating disorders. I have my eating under control most days but it's still a struggle for me to make the right choices most of the time. I just take it all day by day. I do have better days than bad so I feel I am already a step ahead of the game. I think being happy in life helps too. Surround yourself with positive people.
Best of luck to you. If you have any questions for me, please feel free to PM me.

I'm sending you big big hugs. Your sleeve is fine. You don't need a diet, but to go back to your original eating plan. Fill up on dense protein, followed by green veggies and a bit of berries. Track on Myfitnesspal or the website of your choice. Don't drink with meals, take your vitamins and calcium. Those things take care of your sleeve.

More importantly is taking care of your sweet head and heart. Bulimia is a very serious disease, regardless of the size of our stomach. I would suggest Overeaters Amonymous. I have a friend that has abstained from her bulimia for 20+ years. I was a member for 17+ years. I would have weighed over 300 pounds without it. Its important to know that you're not alone with your bulimia. Find a therapist that understands food addiction and will treat this seriously. If you can't afford it, ask your family to help you. If your Bariatric surgeon has a counselor, see that person. You deserve to feel good and feel good about yourself. Those 15 pounds can easily turn into more. You can damage your esophagus with bulimia. P,ease please get help. OH is god for support about which protein powder, but not about things as serious and life threatening as bulimia.

Hugs hugs and more hugs!

Lee-  I just love you.  What a terrific, helpful and loving response.

To the OP-  Lee is right.  OH can't really help much with this.  What to eat is the easy part, just go back to protein and veggies.  The really hard part is working with your head.  THIS CAN BE FIXED.  Really, it's very doable, but you need a good counselor who specializes in eating disorders to help you through this.  It does not have to take forever, it can be short term, but you need to invest in your health and your future and make this happen.  Take our heartfelt advice, go see someone tomorrow.  Hugs to you.

 Thank you all for your responses so far. I've been sitting here feeling really anxious about posting something so personal, but once again the OH community has been amazing. I've made an appointment with my original weight loss surgeon to discuss this and I'm hoping to start with one of his support groups. I really appreciate people sharing their personal stories. It was so hard to tell mine, so thank you for sharing yours. 

I was also wondering if anyone had experience with overeating after surgery, but then successfully got back on track. I feel like all the advice to go back to basics is very helpful, but I do feel like I need to do a cleanse of sorts to break my bad habits again. I remember how hard it was right after surgery to let go of certain foods, but the restriction helped a lot. I'm scared I'm not strong enough to do it on my own now...

If you really feel the need to do a cleanse before you start back to basics, you could search the 5 days pouch test - it's kind of a carb detox reset.

BTW, I am finally going to be seeing a therapist too. I was going to talk to someone about some other issues but I still sometimes feel this little demon hasn't left me completely either do I will be addressing this issue too. I hope you can find some help. You are not alone.

You were strong enough to do it once, you are strong enough to go back to basics now.

There is no reason to punish yourself with a cleanse. Start by eating as much dense protein as you need to be full. I bet that portion will be less over time. Eat as often as you need, but snack on hard boiled egg. You will grow tired of them. If carbs and sugar are not a possibility, your body will start to crave green veggies. Snack on crisp romaine lettuce.

My afternoon snack is mini sweet peppers with 2 tablespoons of spicy yogurt dip. You can go to Elina's profile and find wonderful soup recipies.. I always have Green Chicken soup in the freezer. If you need a cup every two hours, go ahead and eat. your body will regulate itself once it realizes you mean business. Just tell the carb voice to shut the heck up!