starting over again.....

     So. After some back and forth, Dartmouth-Hitch**** Medical Center in Lebanon NH refused to do WLS (weight loss surgery) on me. I was in the hospital for depression once...I think it was last August or something, I don't remember...but the team decided that I am too emotionally unstable for WLS. Ha. They said if I could stay out of the psych hospital for 2 years minimum they would reassess my stability and think about it then. Their standards being met isn't likely to happen anytime soon. I have had 3 or 4 hospitalizations since they rejected me, the most recent one being August of this year. I was told twice this year, by 2 different hospitals, that they couldn't help me...that meds are not the answer for me...that I need to work on my PTSD and some skills training to handle it. OK. Fine. I don't go back to the hospital. I am not getting everything I need from therapy at this point. But that is another issue for another day.
     After giving up for a year, I am back to fighting. I am fluctuating right around my highest weight ever, even though I have made several dietary changes (the biggest one being I am having ice cream maybe 3 or 4 times a week instead of a bowl every night plus sometimes during the day as well). My highest weight recorded is 293, when I weighed myself last week it was back up to 291. I have been afraid to get on the scale since then. Dartmouth won't take me. Fine. My psychiatrist and therapist were willing to fight for me to get the surgery. They have known me for about 5 years. They would know whether I can handle this better than someone looking at some statistics. I think Dartmouth is afraid I will fail, and more than worried about me, they are worried about their record and percentage of successes. But I decided not to push them into something they were very vocal about not wanting to do. I was actually afraid it could compromise my care, working with people who didn't want to work with me.
     Well, now I am investigating working with Fletcher Allen. The Bariatric program is located in Williston VT, which is an hour and a half from here. If they accepted me, it would mean a lot of long trips back and forth, several times a month for awhile. I would ideally want to move closer if it worked out....Montpelier, for example, would put us only 25 minutes away. I don't know. But I will put my application in the mail on Monday and cross my fingers, hold my breath, pray....and I will go up there every other day if I have to!
     I really want this....need this...and I feel I can do it with support! I never even got to meet anyone from the team at Dartmouth other than the nurse practitioner. Vermont requires 6 months with a nutritionist...I saw one that was not part of the team (they wouldn't give me access to the dieticians on the team) and who didn't seem very well informed about WLS and had little to offer me other than a check in which said "What have you been eating? Well, this is better"...for 6 months? Really??? I did everything they asked, and then just as I had the surgery in sight they said no. I really hope Fletcher Allen won't string me along. If I am too much of a "risk" because of my battles with depression and panic, tell me up front!
     I was so discouraged and afraid (of what would happen without surgery) that I stopped visiting all the boards on all WLS websites, unsubbed from newsletters, stopped watching Youtube videos and Bariatric TV, everything. Well, I am back. Beginning again. Here I am, asking for help, advice, support, whatever! Thanks everyone.

I can feel the frustration in your words & I am so sorry that you are struggling. The positive here is that you haven't given up. You are fighting for what you feel is best for your health & that is a fantastic start! Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

I wish you the best on your journey.

So sorry to hear what you're going through. I know exactly how it feels to have the rug pulled out from under you in the 11th hour. Happened to me two years ago and it took me all of that 2 years to get the courage up again to find another doctor willing to do the surgery. I had some previous abdominal surgery which made me a higher risk factor. Your determination to have the surgery needs to remain strong. Even if you have to drive 1 1/2 hours to your appts if this is what you want you will need to do whatever it takes to fight for it. Good luck!!

 Do whatever it takes to get to your goal, sensiblly.  I think commuting back and forth and putting that effort in is a great start!  I know it's not easy and dealing with the resistence you are getting is not fun.  Unfortunately, for a lot of the processes for Weight Loss Surgery, one main one is the meeting with a Psychologist about the surgery and all the comes with it/and where you've come from.  I think that will be your hurdle.  However, I think I see some source of your depression from what I can gather from the little information you have given is that your self-confidence is lacking and perhaps your weight is not helping the situation.  I understand and totally get that, I think we all do.  That is a great motivator for you to make this your mission.

I hope you can work on your mental health while you attain your physical health.  There is a lot to this process that mentally we have to overcome to begin with, let alone if you already have issues that aren't resolved.  Doctors don't not do something to not help you, it's because they don't think you're ready yet.

Perhaps you'll find one that'll be up for the challenge, just don't get your hopes up.  Work on it hard, perhaps at the latest it will be two years but think how worth it will be.  

Good Luck, I feel for you and wish you can get the surgery.  Hang in there, something will pan out!  You just gotta work for it!