Is divorce in my future???

Dear Friends,

I am struggling and battling an overly jealous man. I do not know what to do. We have been together for 8 years and married for a year and a half now. I love this man but have been severely disappointed in him throughout the years by the way he has treated me. He left me in December and did not care to llook to bac****il he thought I was going to move on. He now showers me with affection and attention that he never did in the past. Before his life was video games and movies, not me. I am not use to him doing this, but I do eat up the attention. Recently he has become very jealous and accusing me of looking at other men. He also had a tantrum over me telling one of my sons friends how to get assistance for food. He told me that I am a married woman and that I should NEVER help any other man with anything. In our past which I have forgiven him for, he use to insult me and my weight, look and stare at other women, tell me that people starred at us because they could not understand why he was with me, and he has cheated 3 times, still I forgave him and loved him with all my heart. I found out about the 2nd and 3rd girl after we were married, I was devastated and my heart is not so willing to trust and love as deeply, I do try very hard to no think of it and to love my husband as I should. He doesn't just complain, it is yelling and name calling which results in me doing the same back to him. I cannot get him to leave and I feel like this is a train wreck waiting to get happen. Please help because I have done every route imaginable.

P.S. He told me that if I try to divorce him that he will slit his wrists all over the papers. Help!

 I'm so sorry for all you are going through but am also very concerned with the things you are telling us.  WLS does not generally CAUSE divorce but often precipitates problems that were always there in the background. While your husband is SHOWERING YOU WITH ATTENTION it doesn't actually sound like he CARES about YOU. you don't really trust him after he cheated on you THREE times. He is verbally abusive and demeaning to you. He is controlling (you can't speak to whomever you want) and manipulative (if you leave I will kill myself).  It sounds to me like all that attention is just another form of manipulation. 

I would SERIOUSLY seek professional help. I am not sure if this relationship is salvageable but am worried for your safety.   Keep in mind you are NOT responsible for his actions, HE IS. You have come to far in looking after yourself with this journey to jeopardize it all with letting him bash mental and physical well-being. 

Remeber, you are worth taking care of. 

Andrea. 

(HUGS).. Girl - You need therapy - and a good lawyer. ASAP.  Therapy - so you can see how to deal with his abuse and blackmails.  You need to take care of you and your children.  Please get help.
You are getting healthy physically - losing weight. Now you need to think of other aspects of your life.
Abusers do that - one day they are supper nice - then they are so nasty - and make you feel like you are less than nothing. II hope you find a strength to live him.   (HUGS)

"He told me that if I try to divorce him that he will slit his wrists all over the papers. " the only reason he will do that (abusers do rarely hurt themselves) is to punish you - because he knows you care.  If he threaten suicide - call the cops and have him admitted to psychiatrist ward - "for suicide watch".

I agree with Hala. You need thereapy to realize you deserve better and a lawyer to help you get out of this mess. Take care of you and your kids. Being alone is better than being abused. You can do this!!

Laura

He is abusing you.  He is verbally and emotionall abusive.

You say you "try very hard to love your husband as you should."  Well, I don't think you should love someone that abuses you.  I"m not saying it's wrong if you do love him, but it's not wrong if you don't,, either.  He is abusing you.

Abuse like this rarely gets better, especially without the abuser getting help.  It often gets worse over time.

You say you can't get him to leave.  What about you leaving?  Is there someone you can stay with?  If not, there are shelters for abused women.

You also need to get some therapy to help you cope with the effects of this kind of abuse and to help you figure out why you married someone that you knew was abusive.

P.S. threatening to kill himself is a way to control you.  He probably will not really slit his wrists.  If he does, that's his fault, not yours.  If you think he is in danger of harming himself, you can call 911 and the police will go help him.  That's their job, not yours.

I'm not going to sugar coat it... Your husband is TOXIC. He is abusive... Despite all the things you have forgiven him in the past he has upped the anti now...

Here is a quote for you "Never mistake my kindness for my weakness" You forgave him (that is kindness) allowing him to continue or to increase his behaviour is your weakness.

I am not saying that you have to divorce ...but I will say it will only get worse if both of you don't get help. I would do individual councelling as well as couples...

good luck.

It's OK to leave someone to save yourself even if you still love him. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost and it doesn't sound like you will be able to do that in your current situation. Good luck to you.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and the straight forward to see what it really is all about. We have been going to church for over a month and talking with the pastor, he always promises to do the right thing but then it slowly comes back to the same ole thing. We share a house right now with my sister and he refuses to leave. I feel like I am dying inside each day and it is not good for my children or I to go through. I feel like he is only staying with me to spite my family and not out of love for me. He will show himself so bad and then come to me trying to kiss me and say that he is sorry and he is in love with me and won't do it again but yet continues to do it over and over again. I feel shame because I have 2 sons and a daughter and I would never want them treated this way.

I'm sure you are dying inside each day and you are right, it's not good for you or your children.

I understand it's hard to leave.  When you have kids, sometimes you have to do hard things to protect them.  Do you know what happens when kids see their mom being treated like this by their dad, over and over again?  Boys grow up thinking it's OK to treat women that way.  Girls grow up thinking that's how men behave when they love you.  You don't want your kids to grow up to have that kind of relationship themselves.

Who owns the house?  Regardless of that, though, if he won't leave, you can leave.  I imagine it will be hard to leave, both emotionally and financially.  It will be worth it, though, to save yourself and your children.

If you're staying at your sister's house, then call the cops and get them to help you evict him.  And file a restraining order.

You are absolutely right in that he is ONLY staying with you to keep you from flourishing.  That's the nature of abusers. 

My sister was married to one for a very long time.  We were always there to pick her up after he beat her and finally when he came after her with an ax, did she finally wake up enough to realize he will never change.

That's why it's called the cycle of abuse.  And the only way you're going to keep your kids from being treated this way is to drop him like a hot potato.  Your daughter will grow up thinking this is what a normal, loving relationship is like and she'll meet and marry an abuser herself.  And your sons could potentially turn into abusers.  It's a screwed up mentality.  Please please try to find a way out.