body dysmorphia is alive and well... x-post

I am done losing, and done (I hope!) with the bounce-back that I needed.  I look good dressed, and, thanks to reconstruction, look good undressed.  My legs are not, by any stretch of the imagination, big.  They are toned, and if I flex those muscles, they look impressive.  But I can wear pretty much any boot I've tried: riding boots, to the knee, over the knee, even those adorable JLo thigh highs with no problem.  As a matter of fact, the tailored knee high boots I'm wearing today have a gap at the cuff even with a buckled strap.  This is a huge change from my previ0ous life, when even if I weighed an appropriate amount, I had to purchase large-calf boots to get them on.  So I know from objective data that my legs are FINE.

Nevertheless, here I am sitting at my desk trying to focus my attention on writing reports, and I look down and say to myself "wow, my legs are huge.  Thunder thighs, here I come!"  Then I whapped myself upside the head, because that's where the issue is, not my legs.

I guess this is just to put it out there that, no matter what we've done to get our heads on the right planet, sometimes they're still in outerspace, and we may need to be vigilant about not letting them play games with us.

I swear, I could have written that (except the part about the PS, since I haven't had any... yet).  I KNOW in my mind that my legs can't be horribly huge... I wear a size 8 /Medium in most things so there's no way my legs are gigantic.  However, when I look down, all I see is the same all huge legs I've always had...

Must be a common part of the body to obsess over, I think.  When we look down, we see a distorted shape if we're sitting as they spread out... maybe that's why it's impossible for us to see anything but 'thunder thighs'.

Obviously I don't have a suggestion or solution for you, but know that you are NOT alone in this, I feel your pain!


tori

I was so excited to get regular boots this year. It was embarrassing having to try on tons of boots and end up with short ones because of my leg size. Praise the Lord, I am normal again.

I have lost too much weight. I could easily gain 25-30 pounds. I am 30 months out, and I wait for the honeymoon faze to be over. I am 5'5 in a size 2....... when I say it, I am mortified. When my husband says I am too thin I become defensive, almost angry. I know he is not trying to make me fat, but it lingers. 
Some of it is from statements from DSers, saying everyone gains. I fear it. I keep meeting people who are years out from RNY and they look great. The people who gain seem to snack and eat all the wrong things like cheese puffs and pancakes such as my brother-n-law.  I cant eat that stuff. I barely get my calories in but I keep up with my protein no matter what. part of me wants to say the RNY is a great tool. I don't find it is a diet, I cant eat enough most days.
I don't know if the fear of gaining will ever leave me. I feel the bones sticking out, but i dint see them. Going to see therapist in January to see if I can conquer these feelings. I never thought I would be this thin. I recognize the size, but do not see it the way others see me.
I do know, life will never be the same for me. That is something that is painfully real every day. I would like to eat more than a cup full of food at one time. At times I hate to eat, it is more a chore than pleasurable.

I have been there - do you remember the movie and fairy tale about The Red Shoes?  The girl who wished she could just dance and dance and dance - and then she was given a pair of magical shoes that she couldn't take off and danced herself to death?

Sometimes that's how I felt about eating every 2 hours to stop weight loss.

I was fortunate - my nut was able to stabilize the loss, and then I did put 10 pounds back on.  Now I'd like to stay here, and it is work.  But it's work I'll gladly take, because I'm not struggling to stay healthy.

I wish I could help you - it's a very hard place to be in!

Thanks for posting.  I was thinking about this yesterday.  At 25 months post op I feel, at times, like I have not conquered the mental aspect of this battle one little bit.  Yesterday was one of those days when I found myself, again, eating for purely emotional reasons.  I can't wait to look at your photos.  Congratulations on your great success.  You've made me want to look for boots.  I have not worn any since 1979. 

I've come to the conclusion that it's pretty much ALL a mind game - and my mind is defintely twisted!

Somedays I win the battle, some days I win the war, and some days I wave the flag of surrender.  The forums here and my surgeon's support group are literally lifelines at times.

Look for boots - you might be surprised at how much fun it can be!

Thanks...boots would be fun.