I can't picture myself thin

It is so bizarre to me to imagine myself thin. I haven't been since high school.  I look at all the before and after photos and am just in awe and amazement at the transformations.  I can't picture myself ever getting there.  I don't know how to feel good about myself. I don't know how to deal with people saying "oh you look good," ," you're losing weight I can tell." Because I can't tell, I feel like a blob, bloated all the time. I like to hide myself in black clothes or a long sweater, I haven't worn jeans since my early 20's.  I still can't walk very well so I guess that is part of it, still walking with a cane and pain and knees grinding. 

I do have to admit that the pain has lessened, the knees popping and grinding isn't as noticable or excruitating like it was before. I am starting to get around the house and can occasionally walk without my cane.  I know there are good things happening, I am not feeling the blood sugar spikes as much, and taking a little less of my high blood pressure meds.  I was also able to nap a few times without my CPAP. Those are 3 of my goals to that are happening for me and I should be happy about it. But, I still don't feel it. I still just feel fat and gross and tired and ugly. I guess I don't know how to trust the positives, because I am afraid they aren't really true, they won't really happen for me.

I am able to eat normal foods, like fish, chicken, ham, pork, but I am afraid of them, I am afraid of getting too many calories, of not feeling full, or feeling over full and if I've harmed myself in some way.

My sweet daughter even said the other night, "you're going to be thin mama." and I said, "well, we'll see."? Why can't I accept that?


Anyone else feel this way, felt this way, still feel this way? 

I was a lot bigger than you starting out and I don't ever remember being thin in my life. I feel the same as you do. I don't think I will ever measure up. I hope things change as I lose the weight more and more. I can feel that I have lost weight and I don't have near as much pain or the difficulties moving that I had to begin with but that hasn't helped the self image. People tell me everyday how much better I look. I have lost over 110 lbs and it's pretty noticeable but I just don't feel like I will ever be attractive. I can't help myself. I have a friend I met online who lives in Texas and he is 8 years younger than me and he has seen pics from when I was at my biggest. I hid what I could..lol...but he could still see I was huge and we have been friends for about 7 months now and he doesn't seem to care but I don't feel I will ever be good enough for him. We don't have any plans at this point to meet and I wouldn't meet him right now anyway. I would have to lose another 100 lbs or so before I would consider it. he's so sweet to me and we enjoy talking but I know I don't fit into his league and doubt I ever will. We will just have to see. It's something I work on everyday.

Tracy

It IS difficult, when you have been obese for your entire adult life, to picture yourself NOT being that way.  Many of us still felt very fat even when the scale was going down... when you have a LOT to lose, it takes losing more before your clothing size goes down, before you begin to feel better physically, etc... so it is hard to see that the weight loss you have already experienced is just the beginning.  It IS, though, I promise!  Just a warning: It also will likely take your brain a while to catch up and SEE your new size even once you have lost a lot of weight.  Other people will see a much thinner you and your brain will stubbornly refuse to see it!

I also want to caution you about one thing, though.  You mentioned not having been thin since High School... and for people in that situation (I was one as well)  there is sometimes a tendency to expect, even just in the back of your mind, that you will look much like you did then once the weight comes off... and that frequently is NOT the case.  So I don't want you to focus on that image (since that is the only image you have of yourself as thin) and then be disappointed when you discover 1) how much difference excess skin makes in how you look, and 2) how much aging (even if it is just 15 years... and DEFINITELY if it is 30 years!) changes your body (especially weight distribution).  I hope that makes sense.

Lora

I still battle with this everyday! I am in a size 12 now and everytime I go to put on clothes I think There's NO way that is going to fit! I didn't tell anyone I had the surgery because I was thinking it ewould not work for me but it has :)! I was wearing a 26 and now Im a 12 so it works I just think it takes our minds a while to catch up. It helps looking at old photos where I was HUGE.

I share that same sense of not being able to visualize what "thin" would look like on me.  I have been overweight literally since birth.  So, I haven't ever been thin.  I'm currently about the same weight that I was when I graduated high school.  As one poster mentioned, the brain can be painfully slow in seeing the changes and giving you the positive feedback that your size really is changing.  For me to get the full impact of my weight loss, I have to see photos side by side of before and now.  When I look in the mirror I see myself as being almost the fattest I've ever been... despite losing more than 60 pounds!

I've been in the 200's now since a month after my surgery. Almost everytime I see the scale I think it'll start with a 3. I am in the 220's and have been for a couple of months, but I keep thinking the scale should be in the 230's. The number 3 is haunting me. 

And I feel huge. There are people whose STARTING weight is the weight I am now, minus 105#. Hahaha. Sigh. Oh well.

Hey, I'm walking faster, looking better, feeling better, and still losing. I certainly hope I'll be thin or at least thin-ish one day. I am doing most of what I need to to make that  happen. I will continue to do more.

I am hoping that when I get to 168 that all my bills will magically be paid, Prince Charming will ring the doorbell and ask for my hand in marriage, the mayor of Houston will call and ask me to run the city's community development department, and my nephew will, well, stay as perfect as he is right now. I probably have some self-image issues. :)  I'm working on those, too.