Where's My Diss More Fia When I need her? Venting.

My body dysmorphia is a bit different from some other people's.  I don't look in the mirror and see a fat girl when I have a skinny body.  Instead, I was always surprised for all those years to see a fat body looking back at me in the mirror.  I always expected to see a skinny girl.  

I've named my wacky self-perception Diss More Fia.  She swears she looks like Naomi Campbell and doesn't care what the mirror says.  She can't be trusted, but I love her. She's my inner skinny girl, she's fabulous and fearless, and she has gotten me through a lot of self-esteem issues in the past.  

The first time I tried on a size 6 was about 3 months ago.  I didn't believe that I was a "real" 6, so I bought 8's instead.  Diss More Fia said, "we've always worn a size 6, why are you getting that other size?"  I didn't listen to her because, well, among her other attributes, she's also crazy.   

Today I went into the store to get a blouse, and decided to grab some slacks.  I am getting tired of grabbing my pants to hold them up every time I go on stage at church, or pulling at the bottom under my sagging butt so it doesn't look like I dropped a load in them.  So I tried on some pants and, pair after pair, the size 6 fit (I got the 'curvy' cut.  Ooooh!).  

Yepper, it was not a fluke.  Every pair of size 6's I tried on fit.  They weren't tight, binding, gripping, ill-shaped, nothing.  They just hung there, nicely.  So, I bought two pair--you know, like normal, functional people do.

That was 4 hours ago.  My mind is in a whirl, still.  

I keep thinking, am I going to put these pants on tomorrow and have them not fit? They'll be so tight my eyes are gonna water!  Is my flabby gut gonna fall over the top and make me look like an idiot?  Are people going to laugh and point at me when I wear them, saying I'm squeezing my girth into a tiny piece of cloth?  I'm sure this is going to happen because big girls like me don't wear 6's.  

Where's that *&^%$ Diss More Fia now, cheering me on, telling me what a skinny girl I am?  No where to be found.  Just dead silent.  


Other than get some therapy, there's not much I can do except just to go through the process.  


Just venting 'cause I know y'all understand.  Thanks for listening.  

LOL!  You are hilarious!

I had the same issue when I first started wearing 12's...and soon I'm going to be in 10's.  I bought them, but figured the next day they wouldn't fit lol.

Congrats girl!

Oh I totally totally get it.  But I never could have written such a great post.  That one is worth saving!

~Becky

I can only HOPE to have that problem one day!  Thanks for the giggles!

It must be fun to be indside your head Nicole! I have fun listening : ). Hopefully you have fun in your size 12s cause that's what it's all about : )

Maybe your inner and outer selves have merged into one and your friend will become just a fond memory?

 Ha!  I can only hope to get it "together" one day.

 You are so funny! That made me LOL! I think we have all had some of those same thoughts at one time or another.

 You articulated this so well!    The other day I put on a pair of pants I hadn't worn since last year.   Every time I do this, I have this preliminary moment of panic, thinking they won't fit, and they do!!
Only my super-skinnies***** bitty size two pants that I wore when I was in my honest-to-god emaciated honeymoon phase are tight now.   I could wear them still, but I have a phobia about tight clothes now, after stuffing myself into uncomfortable things for so many years of my life, so I don't like to wear them.     Everything else still fits!

 Renee and Julie, you guys make me feel so normal.