Does losing the weight help you establish Identity---

Having a weight problem all your life and the way people treat you can be very disheartening.  Often times it makes you not love yourself as you should.  Sometimes the weight is a shield to the inner pain we face.  I know that losing the weight will not solve these problems I have with my identity or how I see myself. 

I was told by everyone going into this losing the weight isn't the hard part.  The hard part is the emotional part.  One of my biggest fears through this process is that when I get skinny I will realize at that point it wasn't the weight that was the problem the whole time.  What I mean by that is when you have been overweight most of your life you began to think everything bad revolves around your weight.  Example..... They didn't like me because of my weight.....I didn't get the promotion because of my weight......They are being mean to me because of my weight. I am assuming that at least one of these comments has affected at least one of us during our overweight times.  When you lose the weight you no longer have the overweight excuses to use to shield why someone treated you like that.  Some people wont like you anymore because you have lost the weight.  Others will start to like you because you have lost the weight.

The biggest question I have about all of this is.... For those who have reached their goals. How has this weight loss journey helped you find the you inside? Did you learn to love yourself when you reached your goal? Did you feel empty when you reached your goal and still feel like you haven't dealt with the problems you were facing inside?  Did you get angry because the people that wouldn't love you before love you now or want to be your friend?  Did you think about and struggle with the fact that someone didn't look deep inside to see the real beautiful you?  How does that affect your thought process feeling like you have all this attention?  Does it change the way you were before?  Does your personality change?

What did you guys do to overcome that and deal with these things on your journey?  It would be so helpful to see how others faced and dealt with theirs so maybe I can have mine figured out before my goal weight.   But how did you yourself turn that part around to where you are happy with yourself and are able to see yourself better then you ever have in the past?

I appreciate up front for your posts.  Thanks guys!!

As my former therapist used to tell me, "Life is an inside job" .... The work has to come from inside us.

Some people sabotage themselves for the very reasons you mention, they fear that with the weight gone, they will discover that life is not all peaches and cream .... It may be easier to stay fat and let that take the blame for all of life's woes.

For me, as I got smaller, I was different inside and out.  I was more confident, and I was treated better by people (particularly strangers).  It could have been easy to be angry about that ... But there was truth to the fact that I treated others and myself better when I was happier and more confident.

For most of us, the weight loss is somewhat gradual and we have time to make some emotional adjustment through it.

I learned a long time ago that I can't control others, I can choose to spend time with them or not but what other people think about me is really not my business.

Thanks so much for your post!!  Definitely being positive is the route to go and adjusting to all the changes with that attitude I am sure has blessed you.

"I was told by everyone going into this losing the weight isn't the hard part.  The hard part is the emotional part." I 150% agree.

For me... I blamed a lot of "stuff" in my life on the weight. http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/2012/04/rambl ings-im-worth-fight.html when the weight was gone... I blamed the excess skin for awhile... got some of that removed... eventually... I had no choice but to really look at the why's of why I gained weight, the emotional journey has been THE HARDEST PART... uncovering and chipping away at those lifelong demons. 

Now don't get me wrong... super happy at the resolve of my comorbidities, the NSV's and WOW moments, the experiences I can do now and have no regrets about having WLS in fact had I not begun to peel the layers (literally and figuratively) off I may not have started the real work *I* needed to do which was above the neck ;) I am a work in progress and probably always will be (not a bad thing.) 

and... I am worth it.

Everyone is different... we didn't all gain for the same reasons, the road to health physically & emotionally will be different for each of us but that has been my experience. 

Excellent and thoughtful post... something I think we need to reflect more on. My best to you as you discover yourself in this. 

~Michelle "Shelly"

Thanks so very much for your post!  I am so amazed about how you help others including myself on this site.  I appreciate it very much.

I know it will be a step by step process for me.  I just don't want to wait until last minute to take step of when weight is gone.  I would rather start dealing with it now. I feel like not only will it help me keep distracted from all the food I cant eat right now but by figuring it all out as I go by taking the steps now I can actually enjoy the new me when I reach that point.  If I don't start then when I reach that point I feel like I will be lost and have to figure it all out.

I have found hearing what others have done and how they feel are the biggest help to me. Because I know I am not alone in this.  There are others out there just like me and even though my journey might be a little different and even my outcomes we can all help one another to get us to the best person we can be.

Big hugs to you and you really don't know how much you have touched others lives by your posts, blogs, and recipes.

What I realized is that others reflected exactly what I put out there.  For instance, when I was obese, I would try to fade into the background and not look people in the eye, thinking that my weight wasn't brought to the foreground.  The result was that I was often ignored and forgotten about personally as well as professionally.

As I lost weight, my confidence lifted.  Before I could help myself, I was smiling at people I passed, nodding and wishing them Good Morning.  As a result, eyes were met with smiles, well wishes returned, and doors were held as I approached them.  I became more personable, so people were more personable to me.  My work became noticed at work and while I always did a great job, the higher level of management started noticing, too. 

Did I resent the new attention?  Of course not, because I was a participating party in both examples.  PLUS, life is too short for bitterness.  Instead of always looking backwards, ask yourself every day what you can do to make a positive difference, and go from there.

Thanks so much for your post!!  I am so happy for you that it really turned your life around for the positive.  Congrats!!  Cant wait to reach my goal and see where it takes me as well.

Hopefully it will - but I think the change was really in myself and I could have had the same treatment as an obese person if I'd acted as approachable and friendly beforehand.

You always have wonderful insight Valerie.

Valerie,

I loved your reply. I read a lot where people say that they don't like the people that show them attention after they lose weight, etc. I always find myself thinking....well...what if YOU changed and they didn't?! Great reply!!!