Intimacy before and after surgery

Aren’t you suppose to love someone for whom they are on the inside, as well as the out? My husband has some great qualities about him that most women would love to find in a man, yet he can be very cold and make you feel worthless at times. We have been married for many years, and my weight has gone up and down throughout those years.  He has made several comments over the years regarding my weight such as, “You’re fat because you don’t exercise enough," or “You just let yourself go".  These comments are very hurtful, and some more degrading than these.  What makes me so frustrated is he acts like I sit home on the couch all day eating bom-boms doing nothing.  I am a full time student, a mother of two teenagers, part of several groups and committees.  I am very active and I get up and put on my makeup, brush my teeth, put on my jewelry, and I try to dress nice even for someone that is my size.  I just got my hair cut recently.  It used to be very long and I got it cut above my shoulders and I have had so many people tell me how much they like it.  At a party my friends husband walk up to me and said he loved my hair, and as soon as he walked away my husband looked at me and said, “Well, there not married to you, I am".   I am not writing this for sympathy, I am just venting and trying to understand.  I love my husband; I just wish he didn’t say such hurtful mean things to me all the time.  A part of me thinks this is why I have had such weight issues.  We have a strange relationship because we still are affection to each other, yet we have no intimacy. He says it’s because I am over weight and I just stop taking care of myself. No he’s not having an affair. If he’s not at work, he is at home with me.  On the outside people think we have this great marriage, but on the inside I feel like I am dying at times.  I miss having someone to hold me, and show me affections, and tell me that I am pretty. I have talked to him several times throughout the years and have told him how his commits affect me. His response is if you lost that weight you could be drop dead gorgeous, but you don’t want to put the work into it. I seem to have it in my head that after I have surgery in September, he will change. My hope is, as I am changing, so will he.  I just started working with a therapist to get me prepared for my upcoming surgery, and to help me learn to love myself again.  My family and friends (the ones that really know the type of relationship my husband and I have) think it might change, but not what I am looking for. I hope they are wrong.  My question is did anyone have a similar situation before surgery, and how is it now?  It is hard because my husband is not a bad man, and I believe he does love me and he does take good care of me, so am I wrong for wanting more. Thanks for letting me vent. A lot of times it’s hard for others to understand how your weight can affect every aspect of your life.

My sweet baboo sounds a lot like yours. He's a "manly-man" who is so blessed to be able to go outside and do a little yard work and drop 20 pounds. While I on the other hand struggle every second of every day just to drop 5. My honey too makes comments that sometimes sting. "Without that tummy you could be smokin' hot" "I love your how your butt looks but that tummy has got to go." And then he will turn around and ask me for a hug because "your hugs just feel so good" This guy is my best friend/fishing partner/hunting partner/Bones partner. And while yes I want him to think I look "smokin' hot" I have also realized that it's up to me to decide if i am going to let his hurtful comments hurt. I AM doing everything I can and i KNOW that. So what he says is just outside static. I have to remember that 1.) He is a guy and in general guys are pretty blunt and don't always have the greatest tact. (Yes I know there are some out there that do so dont jump me for my generalization) 2.) Most men have been taught that working hard is the key to success. Just work a little harder and you will get that promotion/fancy car/bigger house/etc ad nauseum. So for them it seems pretty darn logical that if you want success at weight loss you have to work harder. i think I would remind him that your choice of surgery is going to require you to work harder than you ever have before. Because you are going to have to be diligent about what you eat and how its eaten and when its eaten and if it has enough nutrients for your needs or not.
Anyway, sorry this is so long but I wanted to encourage you to hang in there. Eventually a light bulb will go off for him and he will stop with the comments.

Thank you so much. You are right men are blunt and I need to keep that in mind.  I think my Grandma was right. She uses to always say, “Men are all the same, God only gave them different faces so you know who to go home with". Thanks again.

 I'm sorry for all the hurtful things he is saying and or doing. You do not deserve that, NO ONE DOES, Man or Woman ! I would have to disagree respectfully with your Grandma," ALL MEN ARE NOT THE SAME!!" I was taught a thing called respect and if I want it I must give it. Sorry to say but your Husband needs to be taught some respect. Sounds as though he's fighting some demons inside himself that are making him feel unworthy to have a beautiful woman such as yourself and he doesn't know how to deal with those feelings so he takes them out angrily on you. I hope everything works out for you. Don't throw away all those years without trying to salvage your marriage. Let him know the things he is saying are making you hurt and start to dislike him. Communication is the KEY.. Be Blessed..  

He just might be fighting some demons from his childhood, it wasn’t good. Thank you and I am trying to work through it because I have invested 19 years into it. If it can be salvaged, I will be happy because I don’t believe in divorce, but if things continue I will have to reevaluate my beliefs.

Many men just are not able to be turned on by an overweight wife, especially if she was not overweight when he married her.  It is sad, but true.   

It may not change for the better. Some of them go from being turned off by fat to being turned off by loose skin.  In many cases, though, the man is much more turned on the newly slim wife and the sex revs up.

There will be new issues, so it is good that you are working with a therapist.  

Right now he has the power in the relationship because he can withhold sex from you.  That is not a good place for you to be.   Join a gym, get a personal trainer and dedicate yourself to having lots of stamina, great muscle and tone.  Do the surgery for yourself and so that you can be happier with yourself.  If that changes your husband, then it is a bonus.  

Also try to forgive your husband.  Accept him for what is good about him and try to overlook the bad.  He may well be suffering from lack of libido and using your weight as an excuse for what he no longer can do.  It is hard to be without a man's physical intimacy, but millions of women are without a man and survive.  Once you realize that you do not need him, you will have a tremendous boost of empowerment.

Concentrate on being slim, healthy, vibrant, dressed in beautiful clothes and full of energy and sex appeal.  Turn yourself into the woman that he worries about not being able to please sexually.  It is a far better place to live.

Thank you for the great advice. I am doing the surgery for me and he seems to be very supportive of it.  I just hope we can make changes together that will be better for both of us. I am also going to work on trying to forgive him for the negativity over the years, and work on forgiving myself for letting him.

I am sorry to be blunt in saying this but that sounds to me like psycological abuse and you are in denial because you still love him. No woman deserves to be treated that way!.. Why would you want him after you lose your weight and change!.. If he cannot accept you for you who are now then he isnt worth it in my very honest oppinion. You sound like a great woman, I hope you get the love and affection you deserve. Best of luck!...

Edited for typos***

Thanks, I guess I am just having a hard time letting go of all the years we have been together.

I'm going to be very blunt with you.  Your surgery is not going to fix your marriage.  My marriage had problems before my surgery.  A little over a year after my gastric bypass, I filed for divorce.  I am much, much happier now and there are plenty of men to date.  I wish I had gotten out of my marriage years ago.