Following my EGD, I screwed up.

Before my pre-op EGD, my doctor had me fast for 32 hours. I could drink up to a certain point, but none after midnight the night before my procedure (which was at 4) on Friday. I followed the information sheet just like I should. I was VERY uncomfortable that night, slept about 3 hours, waking up every hour curled up in a ball because I was hungry and my stomach hurt, but I dealt with it.

When I got in to do the EGD, my veins were flat. They could barely start an IV, but after about a half hour they got one halfway in and taped it on.

Then I laid in the bed in the coldest part of the ward while everybody went to lunch. I froze for about 2 hours before somebody finally came in to take me back for my EGD. Late, of course.

I didn't like that EGD very much. I guess I was supposed to be asleep, but I still felt that horrible cold metal tube going down my throat. It made me retch something awful. Then somebody said something and I don't remember anything else, but BOY did it ever hurt retching with that tube going down my throat!

I woke up with my stomach and my throat hurting terribly. I don't remember where I woke up though. That bit is a little foggy! Then my sweetie was there and I cried a bunch for a few minutes because I was hurting. He told me my EGD was fine and I was cleared for surgery. That cheered me up a bunch. Then I burped LOUD, the pain went away and I spent twenty minutes playing with my heart rate and oxygen saturation on the monitor before they got me a wheelchair because at that point I couldn't walk anymore but it was clear that they wanted me out. The nurse even pushed me out to the car in that wheelchair. It was snowing. I was dehydrated and freezing. They told me to have a light meal so I wouldn't upset my tummy.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-HO.

I went home and ATE LIKE A VIKING.

I have been SO. GOOD. on my pre-op diet. BELOW my calorie counts by half. LOST weight. FOLLOWED everything. Did the exercise. I was ON TRACK. And then I went home and just didn't care. I went a little cray cray. I was just so hungry and crazy and it was all so good. I completely blew it that meal. In hindsight I should have had my sweetie bring me a Quest bar and a bottle of water to get me started but we didn't think of that, did we? No, we just went home and I turned the contents of the refrigerator upside down on myself. I had a HUGE turkey salad with like 8 romaine lettuce leaves piled HIGH with like a half pound of turkey, tomatoes, dressing, cheese, bacon bits, the whole nine yards. And I ate bread. BREAD!!!! I'm not supposed to be eating that stuff!!!

And I drank a gallon of water. I am not exaggerating. I drank. A straight up. Gallon of water. I measured. 128oz of water. I didn't feel right until I drank the full gallon. On top of a large meal. Ok, it took like 4 hours to drink that gallon, but I drank it! Then I FINALLY felt like standing up without passing out and doing normal stuff again. I got a good night's sleep. And today I functioned pretty well - also ate on-plan, again. Not under plan like I WAS doing, but on-plan.

My question is, how bad of a food addict am I, how bad do I need therapy and am I going to kill myself when I get the VSG because I can't control my relentless overeating??? I feel like such a failure now, like I'm spinning out of control again. No wonder I'm such a fat loser, I keep stuffing my stupid face like an idiot. I couldn't even deal with a day and a half of fasting without losing my mind! Why can I fast for 24 hours and it's no big deal but I lose my mind at 36????

I may ask the folks at the bariatric center for the names and numbers of some good therapists who deal with binge eaters. I am obviously in dire need of help, I'm so afraid of blowing this whole deal, and I don't want to ruin my new stomach on Tuesday!

"I went home and ATE LIKE A VIKING"

Ok, now... YOU, my dear, are hilarious!

But seriously, I want you to STOP beating yourself up. THIS MOMENT. Not tomorrow, or later tonight. NOW. That sort of self-hate will get you nowhere fast post op. This journey is a daily one. I used to always LOATHE the phrase "take it one day at a time" because it always made me think, "Wait. Was a week at a time even an option??" But now, I have made it my mantra. I take stock of every day. If it went well, great! Do that again tomorrow! If it didn't, learn something from it and do better tomorrow.

Also, remember that it is MUCH easier post op to not binge eat. You physically can't without putting yourself through excrutiating pain and nausea.

All that being said, I think it probably would be wise to speak to your bariatric center and find a therapist who specializes in binge eaters and/or WLS patients. Working through the "WHY?" is always important.

Best of luck, dear! Take care of YOU!

Binge eating is something I brought up with my surgeon at my first consultation which now seems ages ago. It's kind of weird because I'm not a grazer or a snacker like many obese people, but boy oh boy don't let me get too hungry, I will eat the world! I don't even binge when I'm upset or stressed! I told him all of it. He said the VSG would help with bingeing and my new tummy basically won't let me do it (I'll get sick). He didn't seem upset about my bingeing or think that it might hurt my chances at losing weight. I sure hope he's right, BUUUUT he is the expert! I even thought about delaying my surgery date, but I think that's kind of chicken for me to even think about, so I won't do that.

Hey! Please do not put yourself down like this. You're not a fat loser, idiot, stupid, or any of those things you said about yourself. Once you have surgery, you won't feel very hungry, and you won't even really care about food. Trust me, I am a binge eater as well! And now, I don't even care about food. And, if I do think about the food that I might want to eat, just a thought of how much it will hurt me totally stops those thoughts! Hang in there, you are only human.

The funny thing is, I was totally good again on Saturday. I had a BUNCH of errands to run, and one of the errands involved going into a woman's office where she had a big bowl of wrapped chocolates on her desk. My partner of course couldn't keep his mitts out of them and he embarrassed me a bit with how many he took (we already both know that he has big time food issues) but I didn't touch them, even when I knew she had some kinds that I like. Mostly because I have weaned myself off sugar, and these days I don't "feel right" if I eat it (hard to explain, but I swear it's true, and I'm not even diabetic. I just feel wrong when I eat sugar.) So... after a terrible day on Friday, I was still a good little monkey on Saturday... I suppose I shouldn't beat myself up too much, then.

Oh, and also I made it through a fast-food drive-thru without ordering anything except a large unsweetened iced tea. Was quite proud of myself there, too, because FF is always a temptation.

I agree with Chrissy. Stop beating yourself up. If you're anything like me, the guilt and shame I lay on myself cause a vicious cycle. If you keep telling yourself you're a screw up, you get the message loud and clear that you are no matter how hard you worked, and since you ARE a screw up, you might as well stop trying. One meal/day/insert time frame here does not make YOU a screw up. You screwed up. You are not A screw up. I firmly believe you should hold yourself accountable - if you log your food, log it; if you track your macro nutrients, see how it affected your numbers/ratios. Don't beat yourself up, just learn from it. Ask yourself why, make a plan for that scenario in the future. And Chrissy is right that binge eating is harder and less fun post-op. I had concerns, too, but I have not gone crazy with food since my surgery, and if I did, I would pay a very big price.

Ok, deep breath.  Everybody here has issues with eating- that is why we all pursued surgery.  You had a crap day, but it is done and you put yourself right back on track.  Now that is a skill you can take to the bank.  Post op it is totally different.  Your post shows many signs of strong commitment, and I truly think you will do splendidly in this journey!

Lets not forget that wasn't a typical situation, either. As I read your post, I was thinking that I would probably have done the same. 32 hour fast is a long time. As others have said, pick yourself up and get back on that horse. And, you have identified one of your triggers - you just can't go too long between meals.

laurie

That is true. I usually have a hand on my bingeing - Yes, even when I'm upset or stressed! - but not when I'm suuuuuuper hungry. This whole month, I made sure to carefully plan and schedule my meals and I was FINE even with only 600-800 calories a day (and that's on a normal stomach). My partner told me to not even worry about Friday.

Oh and apparently I ended up giving myself an upset stomach by eating like that because I had terrible gas pains on Saturday. That'll teach me a lesson!

Oh, honey! After the day you had I don't blame you one bit. I would have probably cleaned out the cabinets.  Believe me, you won't be binging after surgery, at least not for a while and maybe never. I think your idea of getting a therapist is excellent. Most of us here have a long and sordid history with food and we come to our surgeries with a lot of baggage.   It's never a bad idea to process why we do the things we do and how we can change our behaviors.

You're not going to be perfect. Some days you're going to be tempted and some days you may give in. You have to let it go and get back on plan. And of course, you can't go off plan on a regular basis or you're defeat your sleeve. I'm 5 weeks postop and I'm really surprised at how little I eat now.  And how little I WANT to eat. Honestly, I could probably get by with one meal and 2 snacks, plus protein drinks. And to me, that's downright amazing!