I don't want to feel like I'm on a diet

Because that had such good results pre-WLS!  But I'm falling into that feeling of post-January "I'm on a diet" suffering.

I have made some positive changes the past few weeks but I'm still not seeing results on my scale.  TOM is lurking so it could just be that but I also know that I am struggling with snacks at night/pre-dinner time and also exercising.  I've been hitting the gym but not as much as I want to and not as hard as I want to.  This week has been ridiculously busy in the evenings between bridesmaid/wedding crap for two of my friends, a work function, doctors appointments, etc.  I think I need to get myself to the gym in the early AM even though that sounds miserable to me.  My gym is right up the block from my house and on the way to the subway...they have showers...I could, in theory, do this.

I am a whiney motherfker in the morning pre-coffee BUT I really feel like I can force myself to do AT LEAST 30 minutes of cardio in the early AM before work.  I know I can...now I just need to implement it.

But, back to feeling like I'm on a diet.  I try to avoid this feeling but sometimes it is really hard.  I don't mean like tracking my food/calories...that's easy.  It's the head hunger getting to me...yes, at even over a year out, the HEAD HUNGER is getting to me.  I sit staring at the clock calculating when I can next eat.  Part of this could be because I'm not 100% busy all the time at my new job.  Things are picking up but I spend a lot of time just staring into space, feeling bored, or playing around on the internet.  So my mind isn't preoccupied by work, it is preoccupied by FOOD.  When can I eat, WHAT can I eat, what am I gonna eat later etc etc.  It's really fking frustrating.

Anyway, this is just my weekly rant to get my feelings out.  I'm frustrated but I'm chugging along.  I have an appt with a personal trainer this weekend at the new gym and I plan on kicking up my exercise routine a lot more.  I'm trying to keep the faith that this will eventually result in something good because I am making steps in the right direction.  I am doing what I can, for myself, and as much as I can manage.  My body is not happy at this weight and I know I can shed more and I will...because I'm a fighter!

Actually, funny side story, yesterday in work (which is a publishing house) we had a martial arts master, who is authoring a self help book, come in.  He wanted to do a demonstration, so me being the new girl, I of course got picked on.  He made me stand up in front of the room in front of these people I barely know and told me I'm going to break a wooden board with my fist.  I was like oh come onnnnnnnn this is crazy but people were cheering me on!  Anyway, long story short, I DID IT!  Ok ok, it wasn't like a cement block or anything and it's definitely not the strongest piece of wood out there but I DID IT.  I also hit the guy in the face by accident and made him bleed but he was asking for it lol.  Breaking that piece of wood made me feel kinda cool and like I CAN achieve my goals/wishes/wants/desires.  I am a ninja warrior master...haha!

OK, Ninja Warriors DONT diet! So you are off the hook right there.

I think, for me at least, the trick to not feeling like I am in a diet is to pre-make my food choices for the day or at least most of it. Also not having foods around me that I should not eat helps too. That way when I am faced with a decision my choice is greek yogurt or almonds and NOT greek yogurt or a bag of chips. I pre-pack my food for the day so that I don't need to think about it, I just grab what comes next. I do the planning and preparation when I am not hungry so I don't ever have to worry about planning something that doesn't fit so well. The upside to doing it this way is that this isn't a diet, it is just the food for the week that I picked. The only time I get that diet feeling is when we eat out, which sadly is more than I would like it to be, but even then I make the right decision, after a year it is just sort of automatic. The times I fail are X-factors. Someone brings a bag of cookies or brownies (my kryptonite) over and I will inevitably have a bite. But the difference is now I can stop at a bite and after that bite and after the person leaves they all go right into the garbage when I am rational so when the carb craving comes rolling around an hour later its all gone and in the garbage. I have done a lot of shameful things in my life but digging food out of the garbage is not on that list....yet.

I'm proud of myself that these past two weeks I have meal/menu planned ahead and done some really great grocery shopping/cooking.  I haven't had to scramble for last minute breakfasts (except for once this week) or lunches which is usually where I fail.  Dinner was always easy for me to plan, it was the rest of the stuff that wasn't. 

Eating out is still hard for me too.  I want the wine, the appetizer, the entree, the everything!  I've gone out maybe three times in the past two weeks and I made fairly decent choices.  I'm not saying they were perfect but it's getting better each time.  I used to use eating out as an excuse to pig out but it doesn't need to be that way anymore...for me.

Carbs are still my biggest weakness.  If someone brings something into the work kitchen, I try my very hardest to ignore it.  Or I'll sit at my desk for like 30 minutes before heading in there because I know the goodies get picked over rather quickly in office kitchens.  I refuse to buy anything carb loaded anymore that is considered "snacky".  My husband likes to have tortilla or pita chips around the house but I'm the one who does the grocery shopping so I'm thinking that's going to end. 

Sounds like you are developing good strategies which are key to success. One glass of wine is good and really fairly low carb/sugar if you stick to drier reds. If you can't stop at one then no bueno. Stay away from it. 

As for carbs, particularly where you are in this process, you can incorporate some slower digesting carbs and really as much fiber as you want. You want to avoid whites and anything that spikes blood sugar, that is what you need to be concerned with at this point. As for tortilla chips, Snyder makes a natural chip that has chia and some other good stuff that I have been buying for my family and they like them just fine. I will eat three or four if those chips with salsa and it is a very satisfying snack. Sounds like you are on the right path. 

I'm not gonna lie Danielle, I hate that feeling of "being on a diet" feeling too.  And I'm sick and tired of new year's resolutions always being about losing weight.  Story of my life, right?

But ... I am coming to terms that I need to make some changes.  I was on a sweet tooth kick last week that it got the best of me so I ordered a box of Quest bars.  They are seriously my "go to" sweet fix when I need it.  Wish my iced coffee always took care of that but it doesn't.  I got the box of bars 4 days ago and it's still sealed shut.  I am slowly trying to learn to just not make eating them a habit and that they are in fact, for emergencies.  I know some people can eat them.  Sometimes I can eat 1 bar and be fine... sometimes I wanna eat another right after ... so I'm just trying to be careful.

WTF is the meaning of my post?  Who the frig knows... maybe I am thinking out loud too.  I also don't like the feeling of being hungry or looking forward to my next snack or meal.

Since you have some free time at work, is the weather decent enough for you to take a brisk walk?  I love to just plug in my lady gaga heartbeats and get lost in the music sometimes.  It clears my head and makes me feel good. 

Congrats on hitting the gym and taking charge.  Also, you rock on breaking the wooden board.  See?  Where there is a will, there is always a way.  I need to implement that too.  One day at a time!!!

We're just the same person really lol.  I get everything you are saying.  I don't have much of a sweet tooth...I crave crunchy/salty things but there isn't much of a substitute for those things.

Taking a walk is a great idea!  My office chair is horribly uncomfortable so walking would do me good.  I also work near a small park in NYC which could be nice if the weather were nicer and there weren't a Shake Shack in there...grr.  lol

Oh Lord, where to begin......

Okay, going to tackle the gym thing: Lots of research that shows forcing yourself to go to the gym or do any type of exercise that goes against your nature is most likely unsustainable. I, too, would like to be an early morning exerciser, but I can't do it long term. I'm just not programmed that way. I am more of a night owl by nature. Always have been. Getting up at 6 am is hard enough. Rising at 4 or 4:30 5 days a week would just kill me! I am much better going in the afternoon or even early evening. It's simply the way I am wired. That's okay. I have learned to work with it. And by exercising at a time that works for me physically and emotionally I have been able to sustain my exercise commitment for a full two years.

Now for the on a diet part: Yup it sucks. I have gone through that myself. I have figured out that I have two choices when I get to feeling this way. The first is to give in and just eat what I want. Been there, done that. Doesn't work for me long term. The other is to acknowledge that most "naturally thin" people are always dieting, too. And since I want to be like them, "dieting' is the price I must pay for my health and appearance. Recently I have been dealing with feelings of resentment towards "dieting". There is a rebellious part of me that wants to be able to eat just as my partner does - anything he wants. But in reality that's just my interpretation of how he eats. He and I are wired differently. If he gets stressed he forgets to eat or loses his appetite. Me, I want to forage. He has a cookie or two and he's satisfied. Me, one cookie leads to the next and the next, unless I have an "escape plan" in place. The carb demon doesn't live within him the way it lives in me. Our realities are different. My reality is mine, just as yours is yours.

Adjusting my thinking helps me a lot. Honestly, I believe that the whole food thing is a big mind game anyhow. Most of my hunger has always been head hunger - even pre VSG. Now post VSG almost all my hunger is head hunger. I only get physically hungry when I haven't eaten in over 4 hours, sometimes 6. I am still 2 years out constantly reminding myself to listen to my body. I know what real hunger feels like. Rarely when I want to eat do I feel that hunger.

So, you still want to lose some weight. You need to be in weight loss mode. I no longer call it a diet, but being in weight loss mode or maintenance. What do you need to do to be in weight loss mode? Be realistic when you answer that, not idealistic. Your realistic individual approach to weight loss will be different from mine, or Jenn's or Keith's or Frisco's or Elina's. Sort out what you need to do and then PLAN and PREPARE. Take the guess work out of your day. Plan ahead. You seem to have a similar characteristic that you like to eat when you are bored. That is one of my big things, too. I find that a cup of tea helps me get through that need to eat out of boredom and just getting out of my current environment helps, too. One of the best activities for me to avert the boredom eating is cleaning. No matter where I am - school, home, or in the garden- there is always something that needs cleaning. Cleaning gets my mind off the food and I'm being productive at the same time.

Good luck. Glad you're ranting. It's a necessity for some of us. Stay strong and really look at what's doable for you. Not what you think you should do, but what is truly doable for you to sustain over the long haul.

Oh Devon, I always appreciate the time you take in responding to my rants...it makes me feel better always.

The thing about the gym and early AM...I just feel like I need to push myself a bit more in that area or I'm just never going to do it.  Once I'm awake, I'm awake, yanno?  So I feel like I can do 6AM wake up to do AT LEAST 30 mins of cardio on days where I might be busy in the evenings.  Like I said, I haven't actually put this plan into action but I might at least TRY it.  I just don't feel like I'm doing enough in the exercise area...I need to find something that works for me.

The thing about dieting makes sense...my husband can eat anything he wants too but he is also a fitness junkie.  He doesn't really eat "bad" stuff persay but he can eat A LOT and he also does not have an issue with carbs like I do.  C'est la vie, right?  I'm a forager as well but for crunchy/salty things.  I can house a whole bag of goldish crackers in like a minute, the sweet stuff thankfully doesn't bother me TOO much anymore. 

I do my best to ignore the head hunger.  I will guzzle water, drink tea or even drink coffee.  I've been drinking more coffee lately but I genuinely like it.  

I wish I knew what my best approach to weight loss mode is (for me).  I'm trying desperately hard at the ultra super low carb but it's proving to be difficult and I find myself caving.  Most of my carbs are not coming from the starchy/processed/white carbs though...I definitely do need to add a snack between leaving work and heading to the gym...I've felt faint and not at all good when I go without a pre workout snack.  I'm just not sure WHAT to do to help my weight loss.  Like I said, I'm trying to follow the prescribed plan of 600-800 calories, low carb (I'm usually under 40g), and trying to push up my protein.  The protein I also struggle with...I just don't like the shakes or the greek yogurt etc etc.  I've been eating a boat load of eggs but I don't get too high in my protein count.  Most days its between 60-70 and I think the highest I ever got was between 80-90.  Anyway, I'm just going to keep chugging along like the little engine that could and hope that I figure it all out soon enough.

thanks again :)

Jeezuz, I loved this post.  You rock Devon. 

And just like you said ... most "thin" people are dieting so to speak just to keep their weight down.  I had dinner with my "naturally thin" friend last night who I've known since I was 5.  She was telling me that she told her husband that she wants to be romanced with flowers.  I said, "What about chocolate"?  (figures, I would go there, right?)  and she said, she'd love that but was "dieting".  See, I get it.

I also like the idea of thinking that I am in "weight loss mode" than to think of "dieting".  It just sounds better. 

I just read your post.I thought that must have been so cool to brake the board and feel so strong.Well maybe you should take a karate.I am sure they have it for adults.I think it would pretty cool to do it.