Been Away...I'm back, need advice re: control

Hello...I see many new faces on this forum but still see some of the veterans around also.  I am posting with the hope of maybe getting some support and encouragement because realistically I know the answer for myself but am having such a tough time lately.

I had RNY surgery in March 2010.  I lost a total of 120 lbs getting down to about 135ish.  I bounced up a bit to 138 and then stayed there for a long time. I was still hoping to go down to about 130 or 128 but was happy if I stayed where I was.  I applied for and was approved for breast surgery which I had in May 2012 and it turned out well.  I was then also approved to have an abdominoplasty and just had that surgery 3 weeks ago.  It also went well and I am happy with the results for the most part.

My problem is that over the summer I have gained about 10 lbs.  I am sitting at about 147 now and I am soooo frustrated. I really thought after having the tummy tuck that I would lose even a little bit of weight, but I am exactly the same as I was.  I am only starting to get back into my pants now as I just took the abdominal binder off, but even though my pants fit better in the front because of the TT, they are still tight on me because of the weight I've gained.

I complain to my husband but he doesn't understand.  Because realistically I still look ok.  I've still lost a significant amount of weight and to anyone who never knew me before, I just look like a regular, average, not overweight person.  So he doesn't understand why I feel so depressed. 

I am also out of control with my eating.  I can eat almost anything and not suffer any consequences other than occasion low blood sugar if I eat something high in sugar or discomfort in my belly from over eating.  But even if I walk away from the table complaining that I've eaten too much and have the discomfort, I find myself still thinking of food and wondering what I can eat.  It is sickening really.

I don't eat food in the portion sizes that I used to, but I am eating more than I should.  I know the answers.  I know that I have to record what I eat, measure my food, eat protein first, drink lots of water, eat slowly, etc etc.  But the problem is even though I know that and am constantly telling myself these things, I am still doing the opposite and then getting angry and frustrated with myself and feel like I am totally going to fail myself, all of my surgeries, etc.

I think about food a lot...more than any normal person should.  Food still is a comfort to me, it is a social thing, it is a happy thing, it is something to turn to when I'm depressed,  It is a habit thing...how do you watch tv or see a movie without eating something!?  Its like I have no control over my mind and I'm constantly fighting an internal demon.  I feel like I have the angel and the devil on my shoulders...one guiding me toward what's right and one guiding me toward what's wrong...and that damned devil can always seem to make me make the wrong decision.  "You can start again tomorrow" "Just a little bit won't hurt" "You've already eaten this much, you might as well fini****".  UGH!!!  I can't seem to even control my own self!

Sorry for venting and being so long winded.  As I said, I know the answers I just don't know how to make myself follow through.  I don't know how to eat and think like a normal person does with regard to food.  I still eat and think like the fat person I was and I'm afraid to be fat again.

 

Wow. You sound a lot like me. I figure for me it comes down to a few things. First, I've always been large. I'm still learning portion and moderation and balance. I was a binge eater previous to surgery and i am still learning how to control the binge.

Some people may need therapy. I tried that. While it helped me in some ways, it never really stopped me. They said to find new coping mechanisms, new ways to feel happy or get pleasure but I find it is easier said than done.

The regain is far more devastating to the psyche than to the scale. I found with it, I beat myself up constantly, called myself a failure and spun out of control further with my eating. It's like an endless cycle where we eat, beat ourselves up... Then eat again. Hopeless and worthlessness.

I think part of it is changing the messages we give ourselves. We have to give ourselves some grace, realize that losing weight again is going to be SLOW. If I can control my binge, I can help keep the weight at way. My therapist always said to aim for "normalized eating" rather than restrictive. That said, I find that there are certain things that set my blood sugars off, then create imbalance and then exacerbate blood sugar to the point that it creates hunger. I am focusing on watching my carb intake, bumping up the protein and surrounding myself with a good support group of people who are in the same boat.

It is baby steps.

I remind myself that I will always be a work in progress.

I hope that you can find something that works for you. Feel free to message me anytime.

Dawn

This one sentence jumped out at me and I believe it is the root of your problem: "Food still is a comfort to me, it is a social thing, it is a happy thing, it is something to turn to when I'm depressed, It is a habit thing...how do you watch tv or see a movie without eating something!?" Take note: there is not one word of hunger in that sentence.  Have you talked to the social worker about this?  She/he may be able to help you sort through this area in more detail.  When you put food on your plate, well you know to measure, (i am also bad for eyeballing, the problem with me is the fact that I may not eat enough when i do this since I am very convinced I eat too much when they told me I am doing fine even great....I eat about 700 - 850 calories a day but I am in the still losing stage) anyway, no matter what, don't get seconds!  No matter what your MIND tells you, don't do it, and keep in mind that it takes the brain about 15 minutes to register that you are full.  And keep up with the water, I have noticed with me that if I don't drink enough I get hungry more often and it is not hunger it is thirst in disguise....

I do hope you make an appointment to talk with the SW I really think they can help, especially if it is MIND hunger and not actual hunger..

Good luck!

Melissa!

There are consequences to the eating - the guilt and weight gain - so not a happy place.

You have to think of pigging as like smoking cigarettes, feels good in the moment but not something you want long term.

Then I suggest distracting yourself.  

I have no problem with eating sugar, (sadly), I just have to think of it as like alcohol or cigarettes.  Fun in the moment but a crappy lifestyle, so why bother.  

I wi**** was like peanut butter tho'.  I love peanut butter but it makes me break out.  That is so much easier to cut down on.

The other thing, is maybe go to weigh****chers.  The amounts may be wrong, but I found they dealt with issues like eating triggers, better choices, slow weight loss and plateaus.  And getting back to tracking your foods, and balancing things out.

I would look for an incremental approach.  Everyone's different, but I find for me, setting myself up to be perfect is doomed to failure.

Thank you both of you.  I agree with everything you have both said.  Dawn, you have so hit the nail on the head.  I am intelligent enough to see my errors and to know what I am doing wrong and to know that my feelings about food are not normal, but I can fool myself into believing they are!  Melissa, you are right.  I dont' eat because I am hungry...ever!  Well very, very rarely.  I don't get hungry.  At least I don't feel like I do.  I eat because it is lunch time.  I eat because it is supper time, I eat because we are having company over, or because I had a crappy day, or because I am doing something fun, or because I am grocery shopping and think that I should have a snack while I do that.  I know all to well that this is psychological and that is my fear.  I am still a fat person in my mind.  Just because my outside changed, I hoped that my inside would follow suit.  Nope.

I have been trying to get into the Bariatric clinic here.  The people who went through the clinic for their surgery are followed by a SW, and exercise guy, a nurse practitioner, etc.  But when my doctor sent the referral, they said because I had my surgery in Duluth and I didn't go through the Bariatric clinic, they couldn't provide me with follow up.  There was no clinic when I had my surgery!  My doctor then faxed a note to the clinic saying that she feels it would be in my best interest to have support and follow up and they won't accept it because it was a fax and not through the online referral process, even though she originally did the referral online and this was just a follow up note.  So now I have to have her re-refer me.

Yes, I can see a SW on my own, but I don't think that a SW who doesn't work with bariatric clients and overeaters will generally know what I am going through or how to help me.  And most of all I don't want to be judged by someone.  I don't want someone to be mean and just tell me to grow up and take control.  If I could do that then I would!  Let me rephrase: I know I can do it, I just need some support and understanding and help to do it.

Anyway, you have both been so helpful.  Until I can actually talk to someone, I will continue to try to get all of this under control as best as I can.  Thank you so much!

 

 

Lori,

I have no pearls of wisdom as I am only a few weeks out but wanted to says that this is a great community of people  *****ally care. So please come and share your concerns with us it might help. Also just in case you have given it up recording your food intake with one of the one line programs does keep you aware of what your are eating.

Pre surgery I listened to some great tapes called "the dance of hunger" and "the dance of anger" which helped me a lot.  But it is a daily thing, making better choices.

No great wisdom as far as WLS but I think I sent you a message in September of this year and maybe even posted wondering where you went so I'm glad you are posting again, hope you get back to a place of personal comfort and hope the new referral does not take long.  The SW at your clinic is pretty goodps are the rocks in your picture rossport shore line

I was of the impression that our clinic in Thunder Bay would provide follow up to Duluth patients with a referral, so I am surprised to hear they won't see you. But this is also the second case of this, and I am still surprised. Perhaps there is some new criteria, but hopefully not as follow up is very important to us all.

You said you recently had your tummy done. I wonder if you would mind sharing a bit of info on that, either here, or perhaps a pm if you prefer. Did you have it done In Thunder Bay, and if so, which Dr? Was it a full tt, or a panni only?

Also, I wonder if you don't feel a difference in your clothes yet because of swelling. Doesn't it take many months for the swelling to go down?

You hit a nail on my head when you said you eat because its lunch, or dinner time. That is me exactly. I like to travel because when I do, I eat when my body tells me it needs to, not because of a clock. Need to definitely travel more! I am finding this part of the journey much more difficult than the beginning. I, too, can eat almost anything without suffering (there are a few exceptions) and this makes things very difficult, and I often find myself making not good choices. I am striving to be much more mindful. Am hoping I can maintain the upper hand in this new relationship with food.