Question:
Feeling lost with no support....can anyone help?
I am 300 pounds with no self-esteem/self worth and want so desperately to lose weight. I have dieted, used medications and nothing works. I have also looked into having surgery but have gotten no support from my husband and all my family is out of state. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Any suggestions would be so wonderful.....thank you for listening. — imbeautiful2 (posted on June 5, 1999)
June 4, 1999
Julie- This is the place for you. And there are other websites that will
give you all the support you need. Sometimes, family doesn't support
because this is out of their league. Sometimes, its their fear wrapped up
in their love for you. Remember, there is no promise that you will make it
through any major surgery. If you want to get this surgery and come through
it- you have to be around those that are also either have had it or
thinking about it. Another great website is Mediconsult. They also will
surround you with the love and support that can only come from experience.
My surgery was the most loving, SELFISH decision I ever made for myself.
You must love yourself to even begin the process. We are here for you.
Feel free to e-mail me at any time. Also use the Web to give you the help
you need. We are here for you. Sheila - RNY - 3/26/99 -down 60lbs.
— Sheila W.
June 4, 1999
My advice is to do what you need to do for you! You're the
one suffering, You're the one who needs to get a sense of
well being. Even if your family is out of state ... perhaps
they can uplift you in prayer and support via letters, etc.
Do you have no local friends? Are all your friends, husband,
and family members large people too? If they are ... they may
feel challenged or threatened if you lose weight and they
don't want to do anything for themselves, as they may think that
you won't want them anymore if you change. I would maybe talk
this over with a counsellor if your surgeon in your area doesn't
have a support system. If he does ... start going to those
meetings and raise the question to the group. You should get
a multitude of answers from others who've been through the same
thing. Sometimes we need to "choose" a new family or group of
friends who care about you and your well being and aren't
threatened by change.
Good luck! Keep us posted ...
— Sherrie G.
June 5, 1999
Feeling lost...Well you came to the right place. There are so many who feel
as you do. Search locally and you will be surprised how many can and will
be support for you. Your husband may help you but he might have some issues
he has to handle first. He could be scared for you, you will be a new you
after and that could be a problem for him. I am recieving all the support
from my family they can. I would be glad to be there for you. My email is
in the profile list if you want to write.
Carol Taylor
— Carol T.
June 5, 1999
The help your looking for is within you, (and on this and other web sites).
It will take internal motivation to dig and find all the information you'll
need to have this surgery.
The task of getting through the insurance hassle is enough to discourage
most.
I wondered if an extended "vacation" out of state to your family
during the surgery would be possible.
After the surgery you would need someone to help you for the first couple
of weeks.
You would have to be very strong to do this by yourself, but you can.
A good doctor can also give you a lot of support and encouragement.
— Ken C.
June 5, 1999
I remember feeling so desparate for the love and support you ask about.
And it's like the others say, I had to learn to love and care for myself.
Over a period of time I realized that the strength I need is within me and
will not fail me. If you are Christian, think Psalm 23. As that happened,
I also realized I have held out all my life for being loved by certain
people who couldn't love me in the way I needed it. Sort of like the half
full/half empty glass. My mother died when I was young, and I have felt
like an orphan ever since, no matter how much love was available to me, I
was never satisfied.
— [Anonymous]
June 5, 1999
Julie,
I would do what feels right to you... But your decision has to be what is
going to make you feel good. Regardless of what anyone including your
family thinks. It helps when they are supportive. Feel free to call
me/e-mail me with any questions you do not have to go through this
alone...Allison
— Allison Mupas
June 5, 1999
You have to believe in yourself, and I know it is not easy, we all have to
fight depression and fear. I have my surgery for June 14,99, everyone I
told just figured I was just kidding, but they are all behind me now. Talk
to your friends and family explain calmly how it feels not to go to the
movies or sit in booth at a restaurant, they will understand also, Good
Luck in what ever you decide. Deb
— Deb F.
June 5, 1999
You can contact me anytime! You have a friend here! Keep you
head high you're special! Don't let anyone tell you different
Keep trying to get your surgery, that is your best bet!
Good luck! You have support here! I weighted 412lbs before
my surgery, I know how youy feel! God will guide you if you
let him!
Robin
— Robin C.
June 7, 1999
I think you are near Ventura. If so, contact Dr. Rabkin's office (805)
648-1828. Find out when the next group meeting is, and attend it. Ask
questions. See if others with your health coverage have successfully
received coverage for wls. I am about 3 months post-op, and feel great. I
am from Virginia, and am very glad I went to him. Also, there is a great
book by Catherine Lippencott (I think that's her name). Its about being
happy with yourself at any size. I was never happy as a large person, but
I am happy with myself, who I am. The book helped. Let me know if you
have trouble finding it. Good luck.
— Elizabeth W.
June 7, 1999
I went through the same exact situation you are going through now. I had
no support from my sister because I think she felt threatened by my
weightloss, she is also overweight. On the other hand my husband (now
ex-husband) didn't want me to have the surgery because he felt as if he
wouldn't have control over me anymore because I was going to gain my self
esteem back because of the weight loss. My doctor prescribed me so many
diet pills until I told him, I can't do this anymore and I need something
more permanent, and that's when he told me about the surgery. I also tried
every diet known to mankind and it still didn't work, I even spent $800 on
Jenny Craig and I gained 20 more pounds, so yes, I do understand what you
are going through. If you want to have the surgery you go ahead and look
into it. You should be more concerned with your health than what your
husband or anybody else thinks, because no body knows you like you. Keep
your head up and everything will work out fine for you. I will keep you in
my prayers. If you have anymore questions or just want to talk you can
e-mail me at [email protected]
— Kristen C.
June 10, 1999
there are many, many groups on onelist.com i would recommend checking
them out...my dr has support meetings all over california...let me know if
you would like more info...
take care,
michelle -140#
— michelle N.
June 12, 1999
I know what you are going through. My family was against this surgery. I
had my surgery Dec 16, I weighed 246. I am now down to 153. I feel great!
I can play with my kids, I eat right, I have a new life. Honey if you need
support or someone to talk to eamil me and I will give you my number. Do
something for yourself not for others!
— Danielle O.
June 17, 1999
HANG IN THERE! 1st, I know what you're going through. I've been
overweight all my life. The Obese minority in our society is the only one
I know that people feel they're helping by hating us! The only person you
need to worry about is YOU! Heck, even my family doctor was against the
surgery at first (and she at one time wanted me to take phen-fen!).
2nd, Look very carefully into each type of surgery. Check the large
medical centers in your area. Most large bariatric centers have support
groups -- go! My surgeon (Dr. Phillip Schauer) is with UPMC in Pittsburgh.
He and his entire staff are very supportive -- his nurse/assistant had the
surgery first. I had laproscopic gastric bypass -- with no regrets.
Bariatric surgeons seem to be kinder/more compassionate about obesity.
3rd, Do it for yourself! Not because people make fun of fat people, not
because your clothes don't fit, not because you want to be prettier. Do it
to LIVE longer, to feel better, and heck -- to stick out your tongue at
those that have mistreated you and think WLS is a bad idea! Love yourself.
I know this is the greatest gift I've ever given myself! Good luck!
— Edna H.
June 28, 1999
Look around you. There are thousands of us just like you!
We want nothing more than to be loved and accepted. We are
worth something. We are good, smart, loving, kind, generous
people. But we isolate ourselves because of the way we look.
Don't. Have the surgery. LOVE YOURSELF. Take care of what
you need. Need support? email me anytime. [email protected]
Talk to God. He is always there for you.
— Linda M.
July 6, 1999
you just have to decide for yourself you want to get this done. not for
your spouse, not for your family, not for your friends, just you. when it
is time, you will know.
i decided about a year ago to do something about my weight and i am still
enthused about it.
— julie S.
August 11, 1999
Take care of you first. If you think you need to do this then do it. If
you need extra emotional support, you've found some here on this site.
Everybody is great and continueing contact is the best way to find out that
you are not alone. For added personal support, don't be afraid to contact
a psychologist. Don't be afraid to help yourself.
— [Anonymous]
October 24, 1999
Hi Julie,
I'm sorry to hear that your having such a rough time. Any time
that you need to talk with someone please feel free to post a
note or e-mail me. [email protected] I'm in the waiting
stage for my surgery...actually in the work up stage and it's
really hard not knowing what will happen. I have found a LOT
of very supportive people on line that have gone through this
problem as well. It does help. A lot of times (majority of
times) unless someone has struggled with obesity they really
can't identify with the extreme mental anguish or physical
problems that it causes us. This includes SOME doctors who
are highly educated people and suffer from a lot of the
preconceived notions that the general public fall into. Please
don't let that dissuade you from looking into Every option that
you have available for this problem. It could be that your
husband is just very worried about you going through the
surgery and complications. Or many other things. What we
have to decide for ourselves is what's BEST for US as individuals.
After failing to get down to a healthy sensible weight for
over 28 yrs I know all the doubts that it puts in your mind.
Why am I so weak willed, so out of control, such a glutton,
such a failure. WE AREN'T any of these. This is a very real
MEDICAL problem just like any other problem that we have to
see a doctor for. Of course a non-surgical approach would be
wonderful IF that Worked for us but they don't. At least not
for the long term. I have a long way to go yet since I don't
go to see the doctor for my 1st appt until Dec 2nd...and then
After my surgery I have approximately 150# to lose to get down
to my ideal of 160#. But in all reality if I only get down to
200# I would be thrilled and I know I'd mentally and physically
feel a LOT better. Hang in there and if there is anything I
can do to help please let me know.
Deb
— Deb C.
January 29, 2000
Dear Julie,
I feel your pain. It took two years for my husband to finally admit
that this MAY be right for me. Now, with a surgery date scheduled he is
getting parnoid that I'm leaving him. Look to yourself and your friends for
support and please e-mail me if u need to. Remember you must care for
yourself before you can effectively care for others.
— D.J. G.
August 10, 2000
We all need support no matter of the surgery type you select.. The
success of your outcome depends on your attitude, determination and
support...AMOS, ADITH, and egroups help fill that void to those who don't
have local support groups..or those that want both online support
and their local support groups..Support Groups such as AMOS have proven
to be very beneficial and enhance our self esteem and weightloss.. Thank
you Eric..
<p>
Obes Surg 2000 Apr;10(2):186-91: Transactions in a support group meeting: a
case study. Algazi LP
Algazi Family Counseling, Corona del Mar, CA 92625, USA.
<p>
Following bariatric surgery, the inclusion of a support group as part of
the treatment plan makes after-care easier and more efficient for the
patients, as well as for the physicians. The following is presented for the
education of the medical community. It represents one exemplary session
which incorporates the elements necessary for effective after-care: 1.
Encouragement for compliance and praise for success. 2. Education about
life-after-surgery, including nutrition, exercise and dieting techniques.
3. Identification of problems. 4. Identification and development of new
kinds of self-nurturing. 5. Participation in a forum where others really
"understand" the challenges and difficulties associated with
"change," even when the change is for the better. 6. Creation of
a "safe harbor" where patients can bring spouses, parents and
significant others so that they may also understand, encourage continuing
success, and recognize their own personal issues related to the major
changes that they are also experiencing with their loved one. 7.
Opportunity for curious potential patients in the community to come and
learn from the "experts" in an atmosphere of true caring and
concern. PMID: 10782185, UI: 20245802
— Victoria B.
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